to be confused about friend's reaction to autism diagnosis

[ToeKneeChestNut]

NC, as this may be outing.

Friend visited today, who I haven't seen for a few years. Her DD (age 9) has recently been diagnosed with ADD, although they just refer to her as autistic. The younger DC is NT.

The visit was all about how exciting it is to have her DD diagnosed as having ADD and what a wonderful thing it is. She says that her DD will be very creative, will be a huge success in life and will make "a fortune", whereas children who are "unlucky enough to not be on the spectrum" will reach mediocrity. She said that the fact that her DD really struggles to keep up at school is "fantastic".

Her DD went through four or five pairs of knickers during the visit, as she is too distracted to remember to go to the loo. Again, this was described as part of the "adventure". I really am quoting here.

Of course I just went along with it, but the whole thing seemed excessive and even a bit manic. I'm very pleased that they have a diagnosis and I hope it help a lot. But I don't understand the feel of celebration that's come with it. I also resented the digs at academically-minded DC, but can let this go as I think my friend didn't mean to be insensitive.

So, AIBU to be confused? Or is this genuinely a wonderful thing and I don't appreciate the implications of having ADD?

Im sure you can see through the front she was putting on
She must be devastated. She's trying find the positives and look on the bright side. Also she's probably very very relieved to have a diagnosis after so many years of thinking things weren't quite right. Now she had an explanation for these things and something she can understand and get behind.

Everyone deals with things in their own way. I guess this mum is dealing with it in a different way to how you would. I would just humour her for now and if you're a good friend, be there for her when the implications properly sink in.

ADD isn't autism.

if she is feeling happy and optimistic, fine, If she was my friend I'd be more worried that she is feeling total despair and trying to hide it.

Add and autism aren't the same.

Whatever helps her cope with things would be OK with me.

Also if it's a new diagnosis she needs time to come to terms with things.

Isn't ADD Attention Deficit Disorder, similar to ADHD without the Hyperactivity element.

Both can be comorbid with Autism or ASD diagnosis or stand independantly.

Do you mean ASD when you say ADD as ADD is not autism?

Surely you must be able to see why she's doing this. Your post sounds a bit mean and not very supportive.

They are two totally different conditions.

Do you mean ASD

She described the diagnosis as ADD, without any hyper behaviour. I don't know if that makes any sense? She referred to her a "being on the spectrum" and used the word "autism" quite a few times. Perhaps her DD is autistic and has ADD? I don't think she said that though.

I hope she isn't feeling despair. I wondered that as she did seem slightly over the top. I hardly got a word in for the whole visit. It was all about her elder DD and not really about her DS or anything else in life really.

I'll keep in touch with her and try to make sure she's ok.

Do you mean ASD?

ADD is attention deficit disorder.

I think she possibly sounds a bit confused about the diagnosis. As others have said ADD is different to ASD.

No she definitely said ADD.

I'm certainly not being mean at all! The reason I'm posting is to try to understand what she's going through, I suppose. I have another friend with a DS with a severe learning disability, who attends a special school, and I have nothing but compassion, support and the kettle on for her as often as we can. I'm not being unkind about the child or friend. Who would be?

My friend who visited today said that her DD has benefited from sitting at the front of the class and using a fidget spinner. She's going to look into something called a "wobble chair" too.

I wish I hadn't posted. I didn't think that people would assume I'm being unkind.

Maybe it's my phrasing? I'm from Ecuador, so English my second language.

Does she actually understand autism? Is she a bit "non-academic" herself?
Perhaps she thinks her DD will become a special genius like in films and is very confused. Like rainman, Forrest Gump type?

Sounds like a mix of relief and fear to me. Relief that its not bad parenting causing her DD to be different and fear for the future so trying to think best case scenarios.

I don't think people should be saying so definitively that ADD is not autism. There is an increasing body of evidence which indicates that attention deficit disorders ARE part of the autistic spectrum.

I don't really know how academic she is. She has a skilled, well-paid job and seems fairly intelligent.

She is very self-absorbed though, I must admit. She likes to show-off about how much physical activity she does, for example. Lots of cycling and running updates on Facebook. She does seem to limited interest in subjects which don't directly affect her. I like her though!

You can create a tiny bit of wobble/ movement in a chair by putting a folded up bit of card under one leg. Cheaper than buying a wobble chair to give it a try.

Sounds like a bit like denial and putting a rave face on it to me.

Is it really that confusing? Whatever the exact diagnosis, it's a shock and she's determined to see the positives and present it as positive.

Maybe if her children hadn't been with her she'd have been more nuanced in what she had to say on the subject. And yes, maybe she is a touch "manic" in her efforts to bolster the child's (and her own?) morale. Give her a break.

Agree with PPs. She sounds as if she is putting a brave face on it and trying to see the positives. A very common reaction.

I am giving her a break! This is why I'm talking about it to people online instead of mutual friends.

The DC weren't in the room for the whole visit, apart from when the eldest needed changes of clothes. We were indoors and they were in the garden.

We will find out this week whether my sibling is or isn't on the spectrum. There's a mix of feelings.

Relief - we can get her support, it will help us to understand her struggles etc and we can stick two fingers up at the 'My child wouldn't act like that' comments! (Yes, we always get them!)

Fear - for her future and how things will pan out for her because we see how much she struggles now.

I hope your friend is okay

OK, it's a common reaction. Good, it's normal.