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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be confused about friend's reaction to autism diagnosis

103 replies

ToeKneeChestNut · 02/07/2017 22:02

NC, as this may be outing.

Friend visited today, who I haven't seen for a few years. Her DD (age 9) has recently been diagnosed with ADD, although they just refer to her as autistic. The younger DC is NT.

The visit was all about how exciting it is to have her DD diagnosed as having ADD and what a wonderful thing it is. She says that her DD will be very creative, will be a huge success in life and will make "a fortune", whereas children who are "unlucky enough to not be on the spectrum" will reach mediocrity. She said that the fact that her DD really struggles to keep up at school is "fantastic".

Her DD went through four or five pairs of knickers during the visit, as she is too distracted to remember to go to the loo. Again, this was described as part of the "adventure". I really am quoting here.

Of course I just went along with it, but the whole thing seemed excessive and even a bit manic. I'm very pleased that they have a diagnosis and I hope it help a lot. But I don't understand the feel of celebration that's come with it. I also resented the digs at academically-minded DC, but can let this go as I think my friend didn't mean to be insensitive.

So, AIBU to be confused? Or is this genuinely a wonderful thing and I don't appreciate the implications of having ADD?

OP posts:
Toysaurus · 02/07/2017 23:27

Not all parents are devastated by any form of diagnosis. I felt relieved and pleased after the years it took the ASD diagnosis to come that it was given.

I haven't been negative at all. I find it irritating I should be expected to feel it. There is no 'front'. It's a fact of life and we work with it. As hard as it can be, I can see my child's ASD brings equal strengths and advantages as it does disabilities.

One of my other children is on the road for ADD. She is naturally highly creative. Remarkably so. And it's something I'm proud of with her because she struggles so much with things other children don't.

However, I expect your friend is anticipating the ADHD/ADD is naughty child/bad parenting bullshit. Because that crappy bollocks line of thought is very strong.

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 02/07/2017 23:27

If it's what she needs to do, let her.

I have ADHD. Until I was diagnosed and medicated, I hated myself because of the ADHD traits. Now I have the worst of it under control, I can appreciate the good elements. What your friend sent you in that message, the good things about ADHD, certainly ring true for me - but it's taken it until I could get the negatives under control for me to appreciate it.

It sounds like she's struggling at the moment. Unsurprising as many people still hear "ADHD" and think "no discipline" or "poor parenting". She's presumably terrified of being judged.

notanevilstepmother · 02/07/2017 23:28

That makes sense, it would be fine for my mum to say she wishes my life had been easier. I understand what you mean now.

sleeponeday · 02/07/2017 23:33

Ovaries I'm starting medication soon. It's encouraging to read someone who gets such benefit from it. Crossing fingers it helps me as much.

BeepBeepMOVE · 02/07/2017 23:34

If it is ADD then I know 3 adults who are now all very successful in life, both career wise and socially. Slightly difficult beginnings but all turned it around. If I had a child diagnosed then if I related them to the people I know I would't view it as something bad- not ideal but not bad iyswim?

Perhaps she knows the same people I do!

ADD is very different to autism.

zzzzz · 02/07/2017 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Canaryyellow1 · 02/07/2017 23:48

People cope in different ways to a diagnosis - in this case one of ADHD and not autism - so she does sound a bit confused there. But it's sometimes useful to give an opinion, and I don't think only parents or those with ADHD/ASD have a monopoly. OP it might help just to be a sounding board - over time your friend will change and adjust.

I have a DC with ADHD and a DC with ASD. That's a lot of letters, confusing as they do sound very similar! My two children are very different, my autistic child is still very behind with language, and I have never had a conversation with him.

I can see all sorts of benefits to the neurodiversity movement, and the comment about 'holding onto a light in the darkness' resonates. I love both my children, all of them. However these are difficulties On the whole - my job as a parent is much, much harder. My autistic child may never cope for himself outside of my parenting. He cannot communicate. Small things to him are intolerable. His ridgidity means that his world can become so narrow that he becomes distressed, repetitive and isolated. My ADHD child loses vital things all the time, this distresses him, he hates the fact that despite obvious intelligence he struggles to concentrate and hates school, he gets into trouble with impulsivity. Neither of my children have super powers!

So yes of course I wish my children did not have these difficulties. There are so many barriers for them to be able to achieve, engage and manage their lives. It is not like just being good at art with a creative brain. They have something that causes substantial problems for them - and it's not just the world changing that will alleviate these.

So I understand why some people and parents cling on and aggressively push any upsides - however this can become quite skewed and unrealistic. A child just told that they are 'wonderful' and not helped with very practical and specific support is getting a very raw deal.

Voice0fReason · 02/07/2017 23:55

Is it really beyond imagination that she could genuinely be focussing on the positives because that's how she feels and wants to build on her strengths in order to support her child. Don't all parents do that?
Maybe she isn't hiding her devastation, maybe she really sees the positives. Yes, there may be challenges but that doesn't mean she can't still feel positive overall.

notapizzaeater · 03/07/2017 00:00

My son is inattentive ADHD so ADD and autistic. When we finally (took years and lots of doors like most people) I alternated being almost manically hysteria and sobbing.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 03/07/2017 00:13

I just looked up ADD and ADHD and it does indeed say things such as creativity, flexibility, etc. I expect she read up and took the positive from it and this is her way of coming to terms with it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/07/2017 00:30

I too think that she has been reading up on it, maybe has joined a social media group for parents of children with ADD, and is doing a "positive advertising" job about the diagnosis, for whatever reason.
Either to offset people pitying her and her child, or to convince herself because she is scared of what the future holds for her child, or because she truly believes that is the case.

She does sound rather evangelical about it - but if it's her way of coping then so be it. Just support her and take your cues from her. :)

HateIsNotGood · 03/07/2017 00:39

notan - good, we thinketh the same. Hopefully my DS's life will work out well, as I hope yours has too - perhaps you might think of your Mum a bit and that she put more in than you thought. Because she did but didn't let you know.

JayneAusten · 03/07/2017 00:42

I genuinely felt pretty positive when I got the same diagnosis for my son. Parenting a child with ADHD can be hard work, and before diagnosis you probably doubt yourself quite a lot and you also get a lot of negative feedback about your child - 'He needs to concentrate, she needs to just knuckle down, he needs to stop getting distracted, she needs to sit on a chair - how hard is it to just sit down?!' etc. Getting a diagnosis, for me, was like getting a set of instructions for my hitherto slightly unfathomable (but wonderful and so very loved) child. Not only that, but it is something that can be at least partially treated with medication, which was exciting. It meant that instead of having to feel the fear and anxiety that I was a crap parent or that my kid had a bad attitude to work or was a pain in the bum, actually there was a real reason for the things he was struggling with - and a whole lot of great positives as well about where his amazing ADHD brain could take him. The diagnosis gave me validation in many ways, including to people (maybe like you?) who had previously been a little negative about my darling boy.

lovehoney69 · 03/07/2017 00:43

Bless her, trying desperately to stay positive and be a good mum and going a bit over the top in the process. Just keep talking to her, being there for and finding positive things to say about both dd. Maybe make time to see her without the dd there? It may take time to adjust to it fully and she needs to know her friends are there for her.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 03/07/2017 02:26

She's had years of struggling and negativity without a diagnosis. Then suddenly she has a factual diagnosis with real positives and negatives of his condition. She reads everything she can find about the condition and holds close the stated positives which have been few and far between to date. Telling others about the diagnosis is a big thing and she tries to frame the information positively. She is still processing it herself any way and still coming to terms with the diagnosis and her child not being NT.

erinaceus · 03/07/2017 02:37

If you feel confused that's not unreasonable. That's how you feel. Your friend's response to her DC's diagnosis sounds as if it could be confusing to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2017 04:01

Your friend is delusional.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 03/07/2017 06:18

Sometimes it can bd s hugs relief and joy just to hand a diagnosis. It explains the unexplained

Mumzypopz · 03/07/2017 06:27

You say in your original post that her other child is NT? Sorry, I don't know what NT is....but am maybe wrongly presuming this child has no diagnosis of anything and is fine? If so, just wondering how her talking about how one child is ultra intelligent and basically saying other children are not lucky enough to be so makes her other child feel?

LionsOnTour · 03/07/2017 07:02

I wish I hadn't posted. I didn't think that people would assume I'm being unkind

Lol, it was literally only one poster.... that's pretty impressive for AIBU Grin

Want2bSupermum · 03/07/2017 07:12

DH and his family did not take well to DS being diagnosed with ASD. My approach and that of my family was much more practical.

Stay close to your friend. Sounds like she is going through the stages of grief.

thecatsarecrazy · 03/07/2017 07:46

I suspect its a coping mechanism. My son is 10 and his teacher suspects he's on the spectrum. I've suspected it myself but been in denial. I fell out with my mil a few years ago because she said "I think he's autistic" very bluntly and I asked her to stop finding faults in my children. My son is also hard of hearing, he struggles with making friends, isn't very good at maths. We have been asked if we want him to be assessed but it takes about 18 months.

Polter · 03/07/2017 08:54

There's absolutely no typical way to respond to your child getting diagnosed with something. Your friend seems to have swallowed a shitload of Facebook memes which are probably helping her process the information. It's possible she's bloody terrified but is trying to cover up and convince herself it's not too bad, so this is her way of coming to terms and accepting what's happening. She might have already had a load of negative reactions so she's getting in first to bat them off. Give her time, ride it out with her and hopefully things will settle.

But ADD isn't autism so her saying that is weird and a bit concerning as it means she's maybe not heard what she's been told about her dd.

allowlsthinkalot · 03/07/2017 09:56

There IS a strong argument that ADD / ADHD are Autistic Spectrum Conditions.

Polter · 03/07/2017 10:07

Have you got any evidence for that allow? I know there are strong links and some crossover but diagnostically at the moment they are separate and distinct conditions.

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