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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I'm a terrible mother or was i unlucky?

54 replies

Chattycat78 · 02/07/2017 19:45

Have already posted on this to ask for help pulling myself together when it was happening. Am now reflecting.

Background is- toddler ds- 2.5 fell from a wall on holiday and fractured his skull. He is ok thankfully apart from a few scary days in hospital and a need to be careful he doesn't bash his head.

The terrible mother part comes from the fact that I was watching him at the time. He stepped onto a tiny wall and I told Him to get off straight away. He ignored me and ran across the wall. I grabbed him to get him off- he stepped away from me and fell backwards. Unfortunately the other side of the tiny wall was a 10 foot drop.

There were no notices, fences or anything. TBH I'm so used to the decent safety in the uk that I never dreamed he was in danger until it was too late. Sad . This is where I'm struggling- I would have mamhandled him away from the wall if I had realised that it was so dangerous. But ffs- a toddler could get on it with just a step- no climbing required, so I stupidly assumed that there wasn't a big danger.

I totally misread the situation, and it had serious consequences.

Am I a terrible mother? I sure feel like oneSad OR is it one of those things where others have been in similar situations but got away with it as nothing came of it and it was ok?

Please be honest. If I'm as bad as I think I am, I need to seriously address it. Sad

OP posts:
memyselfandisolodjsjajaj · 02/07/2017 19:46

Of course you are not a terrible mother, OP. Things happen. It could have happened to anyone. Please don't be so harsh on yourself. Be extra careful in the future, but keep in mind things happen. Unfortunately even things we don't want to. I am glad your DS is okay now!

Sisinisawa · 02/07/2017 19:47

It wasn't your fault.
There should have been warning signs or a fence imo.

insancerre · 02/07/2017 19:47

Didn't you post this before?

Ginslinger · 02/07/2017 19:47

NO you are not a terrible mother - really, you're not. It was awful bad luck and you are not a terrible mother.

IJustLostTheGame · 02/07/2017 19:49

It was an ACCIDENT
A horrible terrifying accident.
An awful frightening nerve wracking experience but it was an accident.
It wasn't your fault.
At all.
You are looking at it with hindsight.
Please don't.
You are not a bad mother.
At all.
If you were you wouldn't be this upset.

MrBobDobalina · 02/07/2017 19:50

OP I remember your original post.

Take it from an internet stranger. You're not a terrible mother. You're clearly a very loving mother. You're also human. Give yourself a break.

I'm thinking some counselling might be a good support for you as you clearly need some help to process what happened. It was a terrible accident, nothing more.

Flowers
1fedupmama · 02/07/2017 19:51

U are not a bad mother. I'm sure many of us, put in that situation would have done the exact same thing! How were u supposed to know it was a 10ft drop when there wasn't any indications?
It may not be the same but my sun recently split his head open, which required 5 stitches (he's 3!) I felt like the worst mum possible for a while after wards & tried to wrap him up in cotton wool, but soon realised that no matter what, he was going to be wild, he was going to fall, he was going to climb, he was going to do things to give me mini heart attacks because it's his nature, he is defo 'adventurous' haha. Don't beat urself up about it too much, sometimes toddlers will do as they please, even I feel u did know about the drop & tried to keep him away who's to say he would have listened anyway? I know mines would just find it more of a challenge! Xx

BertrandRussell · 02/07/2017 19:51

Read the posts on your other thread again OP- you got loads and loads of support, read my account of how crap my dp felt when ds had a horrible accident on his watch.

It was an accident. Not your fault. And you will come to accept that with time. But be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/07/2017 19:54

You posted before. You are going over and over this in your mind. If you are just reflecting, fine. But if you feel like the feelings about it are getting too much, do talk to someone. You might have PTSD.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Causes.aspx

Flambola · 02/07/2017 19:54

You're not a bad mother. I can understand why you're struggling with guilt but that is because you are a good mother. If you weren't, then you wouldn't be at all bothered.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 02/07/2017 19:55

Accidents happen, and absolutely there should have been a fence or something on that wall!

Just turned 2 I managed to crawl across the living room, squeeze my hand through a fire guard and burn all 4 fingertips on my left hand so badly i killed all the nerves and had to have my tips amputated, all in the time it took my mum to go to heat me up a bottle. I have never once even considered that it was anything other than just a terrible accident, and i hope my mum never felt guilty or like a bad mother or that it was somehow her fault at all.

notanevilstepmother · 02/07/2017 19:55

You are NOT a terrible mother. You were watching him and you grabbed him. You were very very unlucky.

I'm so please he is ok now, I saw your other thread.

Much love Flowers

notanevilstepmother · 02/07/2017 19:57

Also I agree with MrsTP and this might be useful if you prefer self help to seeing someone or while you wait to see someone.

www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/posttrauma.asp

JennyOnAPlate · 02/07/2017 19:58

I think this is the third time you've posted about this op? In the nicest possible way, get off mumsnet and get some real life support.

PuntasticUsername · 02/07/2017 19:58

I read your first thread. I don't think you're a terrible mother. You didn't do anything wrong, and yet look how you're dragging yourself over the coals for this random accident. That in itself says a lot. The terrible mothers are the ones that deliberately or negligently do terrible things, and don't give a shit!

kittytom · 02/07/2017 20:00

No way are you a terrible mum OP. This could have happened to any of us. How were you to know about the drop? I agree that some counselling may help you, this sounds to have been highly traumatic for you. Flowers

ifcatscouldtalk · 02/07/2017 20:01

It was an accident.
So glad he is ok.
If it makes you feel any better when me & my siblings were kids, one split his head open on corner of a table and another happened to fall off a wall too. We still think our mum is the best. Don't beat yourself up. X

user1471453601 · 02/07/2017 20:01

Funily enough, SIS and I were talking today about accidents that happened when our children were small. SIS and I are in our 60's. We both could recite, with no promoting, occasions when our children were in accidents that we felt guilty about.

It goes with the territory. You're a Mum, you feel guilty.

It's not you. Accidents happen. I'd tell you not to beat yourself up, but given that both me and my sis still do after 40 years, it's a bit unhelpful of me.

I'd also tell you not to keep replaying it in your head, but again, given that the two of us could recall in detail what had happened to our children, 40 years later, that's a bit hypocritical.

Be kind to yourself. You weren't to know about the drop on the other side

FidgetSpinner · 02/07/2017 20:05

You're not a bad mum, it was a horrendous accident, you didn't know about the drop the other side.

Jenna43 · 02/07/2017 20:13

It was an accident, could have happened to any of us with a toddler.

BMW6 · 02/07/2017 20:13

Accidents will happen OP. No neglect on your part. You feel guilty because you think you can and should protect your child from all harm - but the truth is, hard as it is to accept, you can't and you won't.

For your child's sake as well as your own, put this into into it's proper place and move on.

eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 02/07/2017 20:17

It was a horrific accident and as awful as it is these things do just happen sometimes. its heart breaking but you are not to blame. my toddler did what sounds like exactly the same but luckily the drop was a lot less so no damage done. you werent to know. please dont beat yourself up.

Id be questioning your parenting more if it was more akin to my ex-sil who was passed out drunk and her 2 year old fell out a third floor window.

NotTheFordType · 02/07/2017 20:20

Oh love Flowers

Please read Flambola 's post again and a second time, because she is spot on.

yourcarisnotadiscovery · 02/07/2017 20:20

Op how awful for your and your child. You are not a terrible mother. It was an accident and if you had known, you would have stopped your child. There are many "phew" moments that we all have so please don't beat yourself up about this. You love your child, accidents happen - you cannot forsee every danger

Writerwannabe83 · 02/07/2017 20:36

I think this is your third post on this now OP which implies you can't move on and you are punishing yourself.

Children have accidents and what happened was not your fault and you have to just put it behind you. Going over it again and again and asking for people's thoughts and reassurances is not good.

Please don't punish yourself, we've all had mother guilt at times when our children get hurt (me on many occasions) but blaming yourself achieves nothing.

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