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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I'm a terrible mother or was i unlucky?

54 replies

Chattycat78 · 02/07/2017 19:45

Have already posted on this to ask for help pulling myself together when it was happening. Am now reflecting.

Background is- toddler ds- 2.5 fell from a wall on holiday and fractured his skull. He is ok thankfully apart from a few scary days in hospital and a need to be careful he doesn't bash his head.

The terrible mother part comes from the fact that I was watching him at the time. He stepped onto a tiny wall and I told Him to get off straight away. He ignored me and ran across the wall. I grabbed him to get him off- he stepped away from me and fell backwards. Unfortunately the other side of the tiny wall was a 10 foot drop.

There were no notices, fences or anything. TBH I'm so used to the decent safety in the uk that I never dreamed he was in danger until it was too late. Sad . This is where I'm struggling- I would have mamhandled him away from the wall if I had realised that it was so dangerous. But ffs- a toddler could get on it with just a step- no climbing required, so I stupidly assumed that there wasn't a big danger.

I totally misread the situation, and it had serious consequences.

Am I a terrible mother? I sure feel like oneSad OR is it one of those things where others have been in similar situations but got away with it as nothing came of it and it was ok?

Please be honest. If I'm as bad as I think I am, I need to seriously address it. Sad

OP posts:
Tazerface · 02/07/2017 20:39

OP this is at least the third time I have read your account and not once have I ever even considered this was in any way your fault. It was an accident.

You really need to try and let it go. Allow yourself to feel bad he got hurt, allow yourself to feel upset. But agonising over 'fault' is not going to help you or anyone.

insancerre · 02/07/2017 20:40

eemieenie
That's awful

INeedANameChange · 02/07/2017 20:40

Why have you posted this twice, days apart? Hmm

Original poster
Chattycat78 · 02/07/2017 20:47

Thanks for the replies.

This is my second post. The last one was approx 8 days ago, just after it happened when I was still overseas.

I'm now reflecting- hence the second post. However, it may be correct that I do need to discuss this further in real life. I've spoken to a few friends, but both of my parents are dead, DH doesn't want to discuss it, and I have no other close family to go over this with.

I'll consider that maybe I should speak to someone. Thanks again .

OP posts:
DarthMaiden · 02/07/2017 20:48

It must have been a terrifying experience.

However as per a previous poster, you can post 10,000 threads on here about it and the response will be the same.

It was an accident and you were not at fault.

You seem - given the number of threads- to want someone to tear into you and say you were a terrible mother.

If that's what you want I can name change and post that in shouty capital letters, but it won't be true.

Honestly - please take the grip I am hold it out to you in the kindest way and grab it....Flowers

MrsKCastle · 02/07/2017 20:48

Oh Chattycat, you know that you're not a bad mother. You know it was an accident. If you can't get that thought out of your mind, then as pps say, maybe you need to speak to someone more than MN and find a way to deal with it.

Most parents have a story of an accident or near-miss, they do happen. Mine was completely foreseeable- I brought my toddler into bed with me one summer night and forgot that the window in my room was open. Of course the windows in her room were locked closed for safety. I woke to find her stood on the window-ledge behind the curtain. I was very lucky that day.

You had no way of knowing how dangerous the wall was and you were unlucky, that is all. But your DS WILL be ok. You need to forgive yourself.

youarenotkiddingme · 02/07/2017 20:50

It was an accident.

Toddler climbed - toddler fell.

It's pretty normal.

And he could have fractured his skull falling over on the flat ground. Often it's how you fall and the impact rather than the distance.

roseandviolets · 02/07/2017 21:04

I think people are being quite unpleasant by telling OP to stop posting.

A huge part of processing trauma is reliving it.

Op, post where you want Hmm you're not harming anyone. It must have been a horrific experience but I definitely think you carry no responsibility for it.

I imagine at the moment you're haunted by what could have been

Original poster
Chattycat78 · 02/07/2017 21:06

Yes- thankyou rose- its true this is my second post (not multiple posts) and yes I am haunted by what might have been. I'm also reliving it a lot/ perhaps Normal, perhaps I need help in dealing with it. Not sure yet.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/07/2017 21:07

Yes, OP- please keep posting if it helps. But do try to talk to a real life person too.

Rossigigi · 02/07/2017 21:12

If you were a terrible mother you would not still be worrying about it. Glad to hear he's made a good recovery

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 02/07/2017 21:16

I feel for you chatty I really do. My DD was an adult when she had her accident, I wasn't there, had no knowledge of what she was doing that night, but still I managed to blame myself. It's what parents do.

It wasn't your fault, hind sight is 20/20 but in truth very few people would have handled the situation you describe differently. Your DS is going to be fine. Be kind to yourself, and post on here as much as you want.

toastandbutterandjam · 02/07/2017 21:20

You're not a bad mother at all - children have accidents, even when adults are right next to them.

My sister (when she was 3!) once fell from the top of a climbing frame. I was stood right there - she lost her footing and fell off. She fell literally at my feet and broke her hand. I felt horrible for not catching her/holding her hand etc, but it was an accident. Not much I could do!

Recently, she was sent home from school with a 'virus'. All symptoms of a normal virus. I was home watching her - I ended up needing to rush her to A&E very late at night. One of the questions I was asked was 'Why didn't you bring her in earlier?'. I really beat myself up about it. She ended up with a long hospital stay with pneumonia. Again, nothing I could do, but I still felt awful.

She's had many illnesses, accidents and injuries over the years, none of which I could prevent.

I did need help as I really struggled to come to terms with the fact that these things had happened with me right there (especially the 'Why didn't you bring her sooner?' question!) so I do understand.

I'm really glad your son is okay now and I hope you feel better soon OP. Look after yourselfFlowers

HeadingToBed · 02/07/2017 21:21

I read your original thread.

You're not a bad mother. It was an accident! If you'd known about the 10ft drop, you wouldn't have let him on the wall, would you?

You were on holiday in an unfamiliar environment. There should have been signs warning about the drop etc.

Please don't beat yourself up op. Ignore the nasty posters and keep talking about it.

Maybe see your gp to see if they can arrange for you to talk to someone?

Take care Flowers

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/07/2017 21:23

Just the mere fact that you are on here posting this shows that you are NOT a bad mother! A bad mother wouldn't reflect on it or care.
Hope he makes a full recovery soon and you start being a bit more kind to yourself.

kaytee87 · 02/07/2017 21:27

Op do you think you're maybe feeling this way because your husband isn't reassuring you that it isn't your fault?
You could have a hundred internet strangers tell you it wasn't your fault but I'm guessing he's the one you want reassurance from?

Sophiealice95 · 02/07/2017 21:31

Aw bless you sweetie I posted on your lst thread and told you then that it wasn't your fault . You must try to put this into perspective and not dwell on what might have been. I think you could do with going to your GP and telling them about it all. Good luck I am so glad you are back home and your darling son is better take care

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/07/2017 21:31

((Hug))

I just knew this was going to be you when I read the thread title.

Please ignore the nasty & rude posts, some people just can't help themselves Hmm

You're not terrible, honestly x. I would have done & thought exactly the same as you.

We live in such a bloody nanny state here in the UK, that we end up assuming if there aren't warnings, barriers & flashing lights it must be safe. When I lived in Spain & France I had a few near misses because you just don't expect to be exposed to that level of 'danger'.

I felt sick when I read your first thread & just wished I could be there with you, you must have been so scared 😢

It's natural that you want to talk about it, its normal to reflect on it and wonder, worry, beat yourself up. Hopefully you'll soon start to come to terms with the fact that it was 'just one of those things' & it wasn't your fault. Truly. Most of us have done things like that & just been fucking lucky! One of mine was putting the baby in newborn baby seat in the house, then putting it in the second car & forgetting to strap it in with the seat belt (the other one just clicked in), 2 hours driving including the M25. Very, very, lucky that nothing awful happened. I'm sure there are things we have all done & haven't even realised we had a lucky escape...

Now what really worries me about your post is that your DH won't discuss it. Does he blame you?

chocolateworshipper · 02/07/2017 21:34

If you were a terrible mother, you wouldn't feel so bad about it now.

If you work, check whether you get any counselling free. Otherwise ask your GP whether there is anything on the NHS in your area (there is free counselling where i am).

Hidingtonothing · 02/07/2017 21:36

It's a horrible moment when you realise that you simply can't be everywhere and 100% protect your child from harm and it does provoke (entirely unfounded and slightly irrational) guilt, could that be what you're struggling to come to terms with? I also have to ask (and feel free to put me straight if I'm wrong) whether other people are contributing to the way you feel? Am I remembering rightly that your DH (and possibly other family members?) had implied you were to blame? If so it's no wonder you're beating yourself up but he/they need setting straight. It was an accident, no blame to be attached, just an accident. I hope you're ok Chatty, please keep talking to us if it helps Flowers

Original poster
Chattycat78 · 02/07/2017 21:42

Thanks again all. DH has discussed it and says he doesn't blame me- what I mean is that he has said he doesn't want to keep going over and over it, I think this is how I process things and he doesn't really get it. He's also said it's not useful to keep going over it and he's right really.

As for other people- no one has exactly pointed the finger- but there have been a few comments about it being obvious about walls being dangerous overseas...I guess this has made me feel like, yes I'm definitely an idiot and it's my fault.

OP posts:
CinderellasBroom · 02/07/2017 21:43

I think this would be a good time to seek some help - sometimes we can't process things like this very well by ourselves, and some outside help can make a massive difference. And if you don't feel you deserve to feel better, then that's a sign you definitely do need to get some help.

FWIW, I'm another internet stranger saying IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. But I'm not sure you're in a place where you can really hear and believe that at the moment.

2014newme · 02/07/2017 21:46

I think I would use reins for a while if he's a runner or climbs on walls. I had twins and couldn't chase after two at once so I used reins.
Any parents would feel awful if their child fractured their skull. Mine bumped her head, no damage and i felt bad. It's normal.

roseandviolets · 02/07/2017 21:47

I'm pretty shocked people seem to think that a mere days after such a horrible experience op should STFU or seek professional help Hmm

If this was my child and I came on here and read these dismissive and arrogant responses I'd be really upset.

Groupie123 · 02/07/2017 21:50

In your eyes it is your fault. No matter what we say you'll always think it's your fault. Look we can't forgive you here, or give you validation, you're the only person who can do that. The people telling you do go to counselling are right - sounds like you are in ptsd mode.