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AIBU?

Can't stand OH sister?

94 replies

Happy101 · 02/07/2017 16:03

Hi Ladies, first time poster here!

So basically I really can't stand my OH's younger sister, and i'm really tempted to say something outright as it starting to have an impact on our relationship, but I know its not really my place. For instance both of us are the same age, yet she acts years younger. She can't drive and expects OH to take her places even at 1/2 in the morning, he once spent the whole day driving her to her friends and back then to a party etc. which I find pathetic as she refuses to book her own test, she expects OH to pay for everything for her when it comes to meals out, and asks for really lavish gifts. This frustrates me as we don't have a lot of money and i've never received anything expensive from OH, yet she asks for gifts totalling hundreds of pounds! I questioned him about it and she barks on about how she's had a hard year and she deserves it! She has crazy mood swings like a petulant child, and can go days without speaking to her own parents, whilst refusing to tell them whats wrong. I hate being around her as all the attention is always on her, and OH says he's simply protecting her! I find it pathetic that everyone walks on eggshells around her and treats her like a little princess. Even more shocking that we are both the same age, yet we literally feel decades apart. Part of me blames their mum as she is the exact same, and acts like a child too, expecting their men to do everything for them, and being a very independent woman my elf i find it insufferable. Should I say how I feel to OH, or is this a battle i should just ignore?

OP posts:

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Happy101 · 02/07/2017 17:54

I feel like with his family, they expect their happiness to be put before his. He doesn't want to disappoint anybody and often finds him self in catch- 22 situations. I love him a lot and i find it hard seeing him like this and wish his family would lay off him a bit and let him be happy instead of constantly having expectations of him. He's 26 and should be looking forward to the next phase in his life, yet he's still running around after his family. I so badly just want him to put his foot down, but he says its a lot more difficult than that and how he wishes he could.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 02/07/2017 17:57

That's a serious case of rivalry! Sounds it's a lot more about you than him. Only time will tell who shall win (hopefully with no injuries!)

MistressDeeCee · 02/07/2017 17:58

"One year is actually longer than 5 minutes if you can grasp the concept of time, which you obviously can't"

Well..since you made that comment to a poster....

20+ years is a lot longer than one year, if you can grasp the concept of time.

Which you obviously can't or you'd know your recent arrival on the scene isnt going to wrestle him away from the family you so disapprove of. They were there long before you. So again, its a battle you wont win. Good luck with trying tho...

Maybe you should make that comment to your man.

SallyGinnamon · 02/07/2017 18:04

Paying a share of his sister's meal when she gate crashed your date? Why didn't you say no then?

This unhealthy dynamic is unlikely to change though. You may feel that you love him but I doubt you would still feel the same 5 years down the line if things stay the same. You're better off calling it a day now.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 02/07/2017 18:18

You cannot change the family dynamics which have been there for decades.
And actually if he is happy then you really have no right to ask for it to changed.

You need to find someone who is not as close to his family as that's what makes you happy.

OfficerVanHalen · 02/07/2017 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WomblingThree · 02/07/2017 18:22

Happy101 you said I feel like with his family, they expect their happiness to be put before his. You are exactly right. They do. And they will carry on doing if he is quite happy with it, which it sounds like he is.

I'm not at all harsh, I just think you are too young to waste your life on a situation that won't ever change. How does his mother feel about him dating someone from a different culture? Will he be expected to marry within it when his family decide it's time? Make sure you are his Ms Right, not his Ms Right Now.

Libitina · 02/07/2017 18:25

He's asian too, so has a lot of expectations placed upon him, that he says I just don't understand.

Are you also Asian?

MaisyPops · 02/07/2017 18:25

unless ypu have a diamond fanny you're not gonna win this one
Brilliantly put.

I don't get all the posts saying the OP is being awful as if somehow it's unreasonable to expect a grown man to act like a grown man and not his family's pet or that an unhealthy family arrangement is somehow normal because it's been around longer.

But you're right, the bottom line is the OP can't change a family culture that is bizarre and even if she did manage to help her DP break ranks the sort of family they are probably would go out their way to wreck the relationship.

What his mother and sister want is a nice quiet wifey who'll play nicely and fall into line behind them.

swingofthings · 02/07/2017 18:29

What his mother and sister want is a nice quiet wifey who'll play nicely and fall into line behind them.
And maybe so does he, or shall we say a wife who can respect his family tradition and actually enjoy them as individuals rather than rivals.

MaisyPops · 02/07/2017 18:40

Surely it depends on what the family tradition is swing. I mean, we see enough MIL threads on here to know there's a difference between healthy and unhealthy expectations,

I can get on board with DH doing family celebrations a certain way with his parents and we've taken on their way of doing things.

I wouldn't consider siblings crashing date night, routinely being expected to chauffeur sister around etc as family traditions. It sounds like his mother and sister are divas used to getting their own way.

We do more things DH's family's way than mine, because I'm not fussed about some things and there are things his family do better and I prefer them. But if the message was 'we come first, you do things our way and you fall in line with how we want everything' then I'd run for the hills.

qazxc · 02/07/2017 18:45

Have a full and frank discussion before you move in. Does he plan on changes in the relationship with his family or will the guilt / pressure from parents prove to much.
While he can manage his money however he likes atm, when you live together/ get married/ start a family, the fact that he spending all of this money on his sister will have an impact on you.
He also needs to manage his time better so that he has time with them and time with you.

Elephant17 · 02/07/2017 18:48

I don't understand why some people are giving you a hard time here, she sounds like a right twat and he's a bloody melt for going along with all her nonsense.

Absolutely talk to him about it, I can't think of anyone who would happily embrace this OTT needy/protective relationship of theirs, I expect he'll struggle to ever keep a girlfriend if this carries on.

Good luck!

Happy101 · 02/07/2017 18:53

I think I'm going to sit down and explain that if we are going to move in together there needs to be a change. His sister does seem excited that we are moving in together, but I need to set boundaries with her. At one point she asked if she would have her own key, to which i said no.

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 02/07/2017 19:09

I wouldn't trust him not to give her a bloody key. You will get no privacy either way.
She needs to fuck off and get her own life.

MimsyFluff · 02/07/2017 19:40

Make sure she doesn't expect you to be a baby making machine then expect to do whatever she wants with your baby/babies! But I'm probably projecting

MaisyPops · 02/07/2017 19:48

I thought that mimsy.
Sounds like the MIL who would view the grandchild as their own child and end up barging their way into parenting decisions because the DH can't say no to mammy.

All the more reason for OP to run.

IJustLostTheGame · 02/07/2017 20:00

Do not move in with this guy.
He will not change.
They will not change.
You will end up getting resentful and very miserable.
They will not support you.
You will never never never come first.
If you say to him it will have to change when you live together it will not happen.
It needs to change BEFORE you move in together and it needs to come from him, not you.
Please please please reconsider.
Please listen to other people on this thread 5, 10, 20 years down your line. It will save you a lot of heartache in the future.

GivePeasAGo · 02/07/2017 22:50

think I'm going to sit down and explain that if we are going to move in together there needs to be a change. His sister does seem excited that we are moving in together, but I need to set boundaries with her. At one point she asked if she would have her own key, to which i said no.

Things need to change well before you move in with each other op. Otherwise it's all just pretty words.

Sit down, talk to him, set boundries together which he starts implementing from that moment if you really want to keep trying.

I have to be honest though I think you have no chance. It's ingrained through years, through family ties and through culture. Leaving and cutting your losses now saves heartache in the future.

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