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AIBU?

Can't stand OH sister?

94 replies

Happy101 · 02/07/2017 16:03

Hi Ladies, first time poster here!

So basically I really can't stand my OH's younger sister, and i'm really tempted to say something outright as it starting to have an impact on our relationship, but I know its not really my place. For instance both of us are the same age, yet she acts years younger. She can't drive and expects OH to take her places even at 1/2 in the morning, he once spent the whole day driving her to her friends and back then to a party etc. which I find pathetic as she refuses to book her own test, she expects OH to pay for everything for her when it comes to meals out, and asks for really lavish gifts. This frustrates me as we don't have a lot of money and i've never received anything expensive from OH, yet she asks for gifts totalling hundreds of pounds! I questioned him about it and she barks on about how she's had a hard year and she deserves it! She has crazy mood swings like a petulant child, and can go days without speaking to her own parents, whilst refusing to tell them whats wrong. I hate being around her as all the attention is always on her, and OH says he's simply protecting her! I find it pathetic that everyone walks on eggshells around her and treats her like a little princess. Even more shocking that we are both the same age, yet we literally feel decades apart. Part of me blames their mum as she is the exact same, and acts like a child too, expecting their men to do everything for them, and being a very independent woman my elf i find it insufferable. Should I say how I feel to OH, or is this a battle i should just ignore?

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Gemini69 · 02/07/2017 16:34

I wouldn't go steamrollering in OP.... if you're taking your relationship to the next level .. ie moving in together... then things needs to slowly change... but until then... you really have no grounds to be asking him to make any big changes with regards his family just yet x

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Happy101 · 02/07/2017 16:34

It may seem short but i'm in my early twenties so won't have had the opportunities to have had 'long' relationships. The reason I'm asking for advice is, if we do decide to stay together I don't want this is constantly be an issue between us.

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bimbobaggins · 02/07/2017 16:35

Are you sure she's his sister?

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Happy101 · 02/07/2017 16:36

I don't expect him to make changes for me, but if we are to be sharing a home, then i think its understandable that some boundaries need to bet set. I love his family but they are very different to mine, and I just want to make sure that I won't get shoved to the side for them.

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Happy101 · 02/07/2017 16:37

He's asian too, so has a lot of expectations placed upon him, that he says I just don't understand.

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happypoobum · 02/07/2017 16:39

What would happen if something happened to FIL?

Would OH be expected to step into his fathers shoes and run around after her too?

I would probably dump him and look for someone who wasn't such a wet blanket tbh.

And you don't have a potential SIL problem, it's an OH problem as if he just said no, there wouldn't be an issue.

He is doing all this because he chooses to

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krustykittens · 02/07/2017 16:40

The problem is, you can't really start asking for things to change until a commitment has been made. Once a commitment has been made, then you have to live with things possibly not changing. It's not ideal. I agree with Bluetrews, they sound like narcs and they will never back off but unless your DP sees their behaviour as a problem, he won't change either.

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EmeraldIsle100 · 02/07/2017 16:41

OP your potential MIL and SIL will come before you and WW3 will erupt. This will only get worse. Find someone who is free to put you first.

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krustykittens · 02/07/2017 16:42

I see you have said that he tells you you won't possibly understand as it is cultural, so you are already being told to shut your mouth and mind your business. Do you really think this will change? Run, OP, RUN!

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ElspethFlashman · 02/07/2017 16:42

But it will be. He sees no need to change, he obviously likes being the Alpha Male Rescuer and she (and her Mum) enjoy playing the damsel in distress.

You can't force him to moderate his family dynamic when he doesn't want to.

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WomblingThree · 02/07/2017 16:43

He will always put his sister before you, because he's not that into you. It may be harsh, but if he was that bothered he would have listened to you whinging about it the first 50 times.

One day, a woman will be more important than his sister, but it's not you, so quit wasting your life with him. If you don't, you will be back on here in a year or two asking why your SIL is more important that your child. Guaranteed.

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gillybeanz · 02/07/2017 16:44

You just sound like two different personalities.
Just because you are self reliant, can drive and are independant, doesn't mean the sister and mum are wrong.
It sounds like the men like doing things for them, so maybe ask yourself who's the mug here.
He shouldn't prioritise her over you when you have made arrangements this isn't on, make sure you organise to the nth degree, giving him/her no wriggle room.
Speak to him about it, but leave out the bit where you think she is pathetic as this won't go down too well.

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Happy101 · 02/07/2017 16:45

I always thought I couldn't really argue with it, but he's a great BF. I guess his duty to his family will always be more important than his relationship with me.

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Happy101 · 02/07/2017 16:47

I haven't been making any ridiculous demands as I respect his relationship with family, i've kept quiet. But if he's serious about being with me then I think my opinion should count for something.

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Nanny0gg · 02/07/2017 16:48

I love his family

Not going by what you've written, you don't.

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blankface · 02/07/2017 16:49

OP, your DH has a word missing from his vocabulary.

The word is NO, he needs to learn it and learn how to use it especially around his sister's ridiculous demands on his time and his/your finances that are better spent on your future than expensive presents for her.

However, it's not going to happen overnight and you can bet if you try to change things, she will kick off bigtime demanding even more of him than he's giving already.
The only way you can stop this is to have physical distance between them ( you and he move a long way away) to stop the demands on his time, although that still won't stop her demanding expensive gifts.

Point to consider, if you pursue the relationship with him, she will still demand his time and cash when you are saving for a house, have children, need a holiday etc. etc.

Look very carefully at how he feels being treated like that by his sister. If he's falling over himself to please her and by doing that "snubbing" you because he prioritises her over you, then walk away, you'll never compete with what he sees as his family duty. Let him know in no uncertain terms their dynamic is far from normal.

If he's heartily sick of her wrecking his nights in and out, almost dictating when he can see you, and he feels her demands are way too expensive, you may, just may, have a chance of altering the situation.

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MaisyPops · 02/07/2017 16:51

I think people are being way too harsh on the OP.

That said, the petulant children are his sister and mother. That dynamic is unlikely to change in the family.

Personally, I'd run for the hills. He is used to acting like their whipping boy and even if he grows a pair and stands up to them, they'll demonise you as the nasty woman who stole their son/brother and make your life miserable.

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happypoobum · 02/07/2017 16:52

Sorry blankface but I disagree.

The OPs OH is perfectly able to say no to OP when she challenges him about running around after his sister.

He has made it clear that this is his way of life - his culture, and she has to put up with it or clear off.

I would be running as fast as I could...................

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Happy101 · 02/07/2017 16:52

He does know she's being unreasonable, which is why I think we have a chance. However he feels immense guilt as he says if he didn't do anything for her she would just sit in the house all day. But I suggest then maybe thats something she needs to focus on herself of him trying to rescue her.

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EmeraldIsle100 · 02/07/2017 16:52

It's sad OP. He sounds like a nice guy but his family have a very strong hold over him and you will never be able to compete.

You have your whole life ahead of you and will meet someone who can put you first.

I know I am of no comfort to you but being ancient I know it is inevitable that you will meet someone new.

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araiwa · 02/07/2017 16:56

Why does it bother you he picked her up at 3am. You dont live together so he can do what he wants when hes on his own

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Happy101 · 02/07/2017 16:59

I'm happy to make compromises, as I want to be with him. My worry was just that instead of his sister gaining independence she would get worse. Sometimes she would invite her self on our date nights, because she 'missed' her brother. I found that difficult and my DP and I always split the bill, so i would partly be paying for her meal too, which i wouldn't mind if she was 10 years younger than us, but as she is the same age i found that strange. However, i did tell DP that if she came again, i wouldn't be prepared to pay for her meal, which he did agree to.

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ijustwannadance · 02/07/2017 16:59

He won't change.
His family dynamic won't change.
If you moved in with/had a child with him, I suspect the spoilt princess would merely ramp up the attention seeking, money grabbing behaviour.

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Comeymemo · 02/07/2017 17:00

Why are you blaming your OH's mother? Why not blame your OH's father? Double standards much?

Moving on - YABU. In a nutshell, you are nothing in this family dynamic and your boyfriend's behaviour is making that 100% clear. Like it or lump it, but you are not going to win a war over his sister.

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Happy101 · 02/07/2017 17:01

I know i'm being childish, but i think it bothers me because he wouldn't do the same for me. If i asked him to pick me up at 3am he would tell me to get a taxi, but when its with her he just doesn't know how to stay no.

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