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Can't stand OH sister?

94 replies

Happy101 · 02/07/2017 16:03

Hi Ladies, first time poster here!

So basically I really can't stand my OH's younger sister, and i'm really tempted to say something outright as it starting to have an impact on our relationship, but I know its not really my place. For instance both of us are the same age, yet she acts years younger. She can't drive and expects OH to take her places even at 1/2 in the morning, he once spent the whole day driving her to her friends and back then to a party etc. which I find pathetic as she refuses to book her own test, she expects OH to pay for everything for her when it comes to meals out, and asks for really lavish gifts. This frustrates me as we don't have a lot of money and i've never received anything expensive from OH, yet she asks for gifts totalling hundreds of pounds! I questioned him about it and she barks on about how she's had a hard year and she deserves it! She has crazy mood swings like a petulant child, and can go days without speaking to her own parents, whilst refusing to tell them whats wrong. I hate being around her as all the attention is always on her, and OH says he's simply protecting her! I find it pathetic that everyone walks on eggshells around her and treats her like a little princess. Even more shocking that we are both the same age, yet we literally feel decades apart. Part of me blames their mum as she is the exact same, and acts like a child too, expecting their men to do everything for them, and being a very independent woman my elf i find it insufferable. Should I say how I feel to OH, or is this a battle i should just ignore?

OP posts:
Comeymemo · 02/07/2017 17:03

And you are coming across as really stingy, bemoaning a meal to your boyfriend's sister. Not a trait I'd appreciate in a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2017 17:03

but i think it bothers me because he wouldn't do the same for me.

That tells you all you need to know.

diddl · 02/07/2017 17:05

"but i think it bothers me because he wouldn't do the same for me."

Don't waste anymore time with him then.

Happy101 · 02/07/2017 17:06

I don't think its being stingy, if she invites herself on a couples date night then i don't expect why she thinks she should get a free meal. We are the same age, she's not 7/8, she has her own money, I don't see why I should be obliged to pay for her, when I really wanted to spend time with DP.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 02/07/2017 17:06

How old is the sister ? Did I miss that?

Happy101 · 02/07/2017 17:07

we are both 24

OP posts:
Happy101 · 02/07/2017 17:08

He's 26

OP posts:
ChrisPrattsFace · 02/07/2017 17:13

I see where you're coming from, but it really is a DP issue.
If you see that future of living with him then you should perhaps have the discussion now, make your worries clear and then you know where you stand.

RidingWindhorses · 02/07/2017 17:17

I can see where you're coming from too OP, but it's not going to change so you either accept it or find another bf. She'll probably be less annoying when she has a bf to run round after her.

That said, my father's sister is exactly like this, and it all started up again at 85 when her husband died.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/07/2017 17:19

You've only being going out a year and just getting to know each other. A year is nothing is a LTR.

You are now getting to know his family dynamics, if you don't like them don't think you can or should change them, either accept or walk away.

gillybeanz · 02/07/2017 17:21

Is your oh expected to be a substitute father figure?
I ask as we have family friends with a similar dynamic and the eldest brother is considered in a similar role to the father.
The women raise the children and hardly let the men get a look in with childcare, but it's their culture.
It's not for me, I like our western ways too much, however, you can't expect their culture to change for you.
The taxi example made me think tbh, our friends eldest son wouldn't be allowed to let his younger sister get a taxi, it would have to be her brother or other male, certainly not a white English man.
You aren't the same culture so can get a taxi.
Is your oh expected to pay for some of her upbringing?
I would look very clearly at their culture, belief system and norms as it sounds like are at odds to your own.

Happy101 · 02/07/2017 17:22

Thanks for your advice :) Besides his sister we do have a relatively smooth relationship. I guess part of it is jealousy as nobody would ever run around after me like that, but then if we are to live together it certainly wouldn't be ok if he had to answer to her every beck and call. I feel like his family have placed a lot of pressure on him, as both his parents don't speak english so rely on him greatly.

OP posts:
TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 02/07/2017 17:26

It sounds like the sister wants have her cake and eat it, and your OH is letting her.

It's true that in some sections of the Asian culture, an older brother would be expected to be his younger, unmarried sister's protector. But that would tend to be in very traditional households - and if she's asking to be picked up from a nightclub at 3.00am, traditional they ain't.

OP I really can't see this changing. Even if OH wanted to, it wouldn't just be the sister he'd have to deal with, the family, at least the mother, would be pitching in too. He might say he'll change, but when push comes to shove he won't, because he'll have guilt and pressure put on him to do it 'because it's your family'.

I don't think you'll win this one, and I advise having a long hard think about whether you can live with this long term. I couldn't.

(And for those saying the OP has no right to expect him to change the family dynamic for her, they might not be celebrating their golden wedding yet but a year, and thinking about moving in together, isn't ships in the night either.)

MimsyFluff · 02/07/2017 17:30

Leave my SIL is/was the same. After DH and me had a DC1 she went bonkers if I could go back in time I would of left. We are no NC with in-laws after years of abuse because he didn't want to drop everything to "help" SIL after DC1

cordelia16 · 02/07/2017 17:30

I agree with some other PPs who think you need to rethink this relationship. There's an established family dynamic here that you won't be able to change. If you did manage to change it, your OH would feel the resentment from his sister, and would likely turn around and resent you for "causing" him to hurt his precious sister.

I think the arrangement is dysfunctional. But they don't. And that's really all that matters. You can't change them, but you CAN change how you deal with it. Either accept it and hope it gets better over time. Or, more logically, find someone who can put you first. Being close to his family is one thing, but always putting a sister first over a partner is unhealthy and weird. Her coming along on dates is weird, as is your OH allowing it.

I dated a guy like this... I never came first over his sister. I won a major award for my work and asked him to come. He said he would, but then got a call from his sister who demanded that he go with her to a movie. She had been dying to see it, and she needed him to drive her. She was older than he was/we were. I knew in that moment that I would never come first... he chose to take his sister to a film rather than see his partner accept an award. I imagined what it would be like if I were ever to go into labor. Think about the implications for the long-term future, OP.

You could take a break from each other (rather than break up fully). And you can tell him why. That way you're not demanding that he change, but you're giving him a chance to see what his choices are causing wrt to your relationship.

Good luck, OP!

228agreenend · 02/07/2017 17:31

It's not a healthy dynamic, especially as you are expected to get a taxi, and she gets a lift. A year into,the relationship, he should be more considerate of,you.

What would happen if oh said No to sister? Would she accept it and get a taxi, or be a petulant child?

I think oh' actions need to change or else dsis will always be a thorn in your relationship. Maybe oh needs to wean dsis of oh. He needs to say No, stop giving money etc. If complains, ask him when it's going to stop.

MimsyFluff · 02/07/2017 17:36

Oh and going NC is horrid btw I feel bad for my DC because there should be more family around them telling DC1 why she can't see her aunt and grandma on his side was heartbreaking for me and her

Happy101 · 02/07/2017 17:37

He's had previous relationships but non as serious as this, so he hasn't had anybody tell him that the dynamic between him and his sister isn't healthy for either of them. He is listening to what i'm saying and has been saying no, but she then gets into a mood and won't speak to him for a week, so his parents then get involved and he feels pressure to give in.

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 02/07/2017 17:40

OP please listen to the advice you are receiving because it really will save you heart ache in the future.

Your bf chose to allow his sister on your date and then chose to treat her at your expense as well as his own.

After a year you are still not a priority in his life, I would suggest you take a bit of time out to think if this relationship is making you happy. It's not fun being last on the list of someone you love.

Whisky2014 · 02/07/2017 17:44

Leave him.

BeepBeepMOVE · 02/07/2017 17:45

I think that whilst his sister is behaving like a child, it's his decision to treat her as such.

Of course she should come before you, she's been his sister forever, you are just a girlfriend of a year, not living together, no children etc.

ifcatscouldtalk · 02/07/2017 17:49

Speaking as someone that married into someone of a different culture/religion. Family dynamics do not change. I thought in my early twenties that because I loved him so much it'd all work out. We are still married 14 years on. Half his family I have no contact with and tbh I tolerate his parents, they are not bad people but I do find them hard work and very self centered. I would think long and hard because it won't be an easy path to take.

Bluetrews25 · 02/07/2017 17:50

Not trying to be goady, but will his family actually allow him to take your relationship more seriously? Or are you just going to be a temporary distraction until marrying a nice girl from the same culture/religion?
There seem to be a lot of potential problems here.

MistressDeeCee · 02/07/2017 17:51

Id find it mega irritating but then again based on that I wouldn't take relationship further if it bothered me as much as it clearly bothers you. Youve been around for ONE year. Yet youve judged his whole family not just his sister?! Whats his mum done to you? What are you going to do - go ahead with relationship then silently but blatantly seethe, or start nagging him about his family? You do know youre not going to win this battle...dont you?

ijustwannadance · 02/07/2017 17:53

He actually allows her on your date nights?!!!!!!!!!! I would leave for that alone.

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