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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about DD being separated from her friend in her new class?

90 replies

Busybecca · 01/07/2017 14:42

DD is at the end of reception year. She's being assessed for ASD and has been withdrawn, isolated and school refusing all year until she made friends with a boy in her class just after May half term. They play together every day and she looks forward to getting to school to see him. She's been so much happier all round and I told the teacher this and she said how glad she was and how she'd encourage the friendship as they were good for one another.

Then this week DD was told she's going to be in the opposite year one class to her friend and has been absolutely miserable since. She doesn't want to go back to school in September. It's going to be hard enough swapping teachers, classroom and routine but to remove her only friend after encouraging the friendship just seems cruel to me. Her teacher doesn't agree that DD has ASD and I feel like this move is a but spiteful.

I appreciate friendships change frequently at this age but having her friend in her class would've made the first few weeks at least so much easier for her. AIBU to complain and ask that something is done?

OP posts:
khajiit13 · 01/07/2017 14:44

How does the little boy feel?

honeysucklejasmine · 01/07/2017 14:44

Does the other lad want to be friends? Maybe his mum has asked that they are split up.

MissionItsPossible · 01/07/2017 14:46

Hmm, I'm not sure. YANBU to feel how you feel on behalf of your daughter but I also feel that parents can't pick and choose what class their child is in or who is in there with them.

Original poster
Busybecca · 01/07/2017 14:46

He has been crying too as he'd also struggled to make friends as he's a quiet boy. His mum is angry too.

OP posts:
Tissunnyupnorth · 01/07/2017 14:47

Could there be a chance that the teacher or boys parents feel that the boy concerned might be best served finding a wider circle of friends in the other class? Whereas you might feel your DD would be best with this boy, is there a possibility the boys parents do not agree?

Msqueen33 · 01/07/2017 14:48

I've got two girls with asd. One is year 2 and other due to start school in September. I'd speak to the head and senco and ask bluntly why they'd been split. My dd was good friends with a girl in her class but the friendship was too intensive and obsessive (she's very people obsessed - its eased a little but she always wants to be next to this chosen person, her peg next to them etc). We decided splitting them next year would be the best option. And it was fine. But asd friendships can be intensive especially for the other kid. But I'd speak to the senco and just see why it has been done.

Msqueen33 · 01/07/2017 14:48

We split them when going from year 1 to year 2 when they mixed the classes. It also might be that they don't realise it.

Original poster
Busybecca · 01/07/2017 14:49

I know children with ASD can fixate on one child but the friendship is reciprocated and seeing as her teacher doesn't believe she has ASD then this wouldn't be a reason to separate them.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 01/07/2017 14:49

They probably still have the same playtimes so they can still play together then .

BewareOfDragons · 01/07/2017 15:07

It sounds mean under the circumstances... but only if you're sure the other mother is genuinely upset about the split.

OTOH, there are children I really, really hope they split up next year. Best friends that behave hideously together in class, outside of class, etc ... they need to be separated to help put a stop to the hideous behaviour that is causing them to really underachieve and not take school seriously.

Italiangreyhound · 01/07/2017 15:15

YANBU

You and the other mum need to go and see the head together, explain both your kids find it hard at school and hard to make friends. By splitting the kids up they are making it harder for both kids, their parents and teachers. What are their grounds for splitting the kids up.

I'd definitely complain. Angry for you all!

MissionItsPossible "...I also feel that parents can't pick and choose what class their child is in or who is in there with them." This may be true in general but when kids have only one friend to split them up from that friend seems unnecessarily cruel. I wonder if the teacher thinks it will make both kids make more friends if they enforce the separation. That kind of thinking is very cruel and I do hope this is not the reason.

So can the teacher/head give you, he parents, the reason for splitting them up?

OhMrBadger · 01/07/2017 15:16

I wouldn't complain as such, but perhaps ask if there is a particular reason why this has happened. Sorting classes is a minefield for schools so the best approach is a calm, level head. As long as you are sure the other child's parents haven't manipulated the decision you have nothing to lose by discussing it with the teacher/Year lead.

MiaowTheCat · 01/07/2017 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/07/2017 15:19

I would definitely be having a word with the senco or the head. If the children are both desperately unhappy, it is very unreasonable to split them up. My dd had a very difficult time for around a year and a half at school. We struggled to get her to school and she was often anxious and late, with the odd day off. So I do understand the anguish this can cause. I made the class teacher aware that I would be asking to move dd to the other class if she didn't settle and at dds school, they will change the class mid year under extreme circumstances. I think it's best to address the situation now than wait till September.

Msqueen33 · 01/07/2017 15:21

My dds friendships have been like that and the other kids love her and they wanted to be around her but in class she'd always pick this child and so wasn't branching out. Speak to the head and see why.

Crashbangwhatausername · 01/07/2017 15:23

My dd is being split up from her group of friends and it has made me cross as she struggles socially, the rest are moving into the same class so I feel it's unfair. She has no additional needs so I am keeping quiet but in your case I would go with the other mum to the headteacher and ask them to reconsider, I imagine it's extremely hard to accommodate children's wants but in this case I would consider it a need

Bluetrews25 · 01/07/2017 15:26

Every time my DS1 made a best friend at primary, they left. This happened about 4 times. It's tough. If it's a small enough school, as others have said they will likely still meet up at break times. The school may have their reasons.
Try to play it down - the bigger the issue you make it, the bigger the issue it will become.

GreenTulips · 01/07/2017 15:26

My DD was in a class with a very intense child - her mother referred tot hem as besties all the time and DD wasn't allowed other friends

I asked for them to be separated in year 1 and they did - the other mother went charging in angry and upset that her DD was separated from her bestie - she asked me to complain as well ( I told her I had) but all her actions did was confirm my thoughts on the situation and the school recognized the issue!!

Wasn't long before her DD had a new bestie which was flaunted in DDs face almost daily (she didn't care but that's what some people are like)

Have a serious think - talk to her about playtime and lunch etc

alltouchedout · 01/07/2017 15:31

Ds2 was allocated to a reception class apart from every single one of the friends he'd made in nursery class. I challenged it. He was reallocated. If even one of the dc he played with, liked and talked about at home had been in the class he was allocated to I'd have accepted it but that was not the case. Thankfully the staff agreed to rethink and he was placed with his friends. If it really will be a big deal for your child then do go and speak to school about it. They want the children to be happy and whilst they can't indulge every whim, sometimes they don't realise until it's explained what a significant issue this can be.

MrsKCastle · 01/07/2017 15:33

I would speak to the school and ask if there was a reason for the split. On the face of it, it sounds like a strange decision. As a teacher, the anxious, withdrawn children would be thought about particularly when deciding classes, even before taking into account the possible ASD. If the school can't give you a clear reason, I would be concerned that they hadn't given your DCs enough thought.

Floralnomad · 01/07/2017 15:41

I reckon the other mum has asked for him to be in a different class and is just telling you porkies .

MissionItsPossible · 01/07/2017 15:49

This may be true in general but when kids have only one friend to split them up from that friend seems unnecessarily cruel. I wonder if the teacher thinks it will make both kids make more friends if they enforce the separation. That kind of thinking is very cruel and I do hope this is not the reason.

I know emotively it seems cruel but my comment stemmed from a practical point of view. This is one sole case posted on here but the school/teacher could have had multiple similar requests from parents. How the hell would they be able to manage everyone's requests so everyone's child is happy?

MissionItsPossible · 01/07/2017 15:51

I reckon the other mum has asked for him to be in a different class and is just telling you porkies

You reckon that from the OP and their replies? Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 01/07/2017 15:53

Green "she asked me to complain as well ( I told her I had)" why didn't you just tell the other mother the truth. I know it is hard but in that situation the other mother was being misled by you.

I do hope that in this the case the other parent also sees the friendship as good.

OP can you speak honestly to the other parent, make sure that there are no reservations on her side and provide a truly united front.

Sirzy · 01/07/2017 15:54

Worth mentioning to the school but I wokld imagine they have their reasons for thinking it's best.

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