to complain about DD being separated from her friend in her new class?

[Busybecca]

DD is at the end of reception year. She's being assessed for ASD and has been withdrawn, isolated and school refusing all year until she made friends with a boy in her class just after May half term. They play together every day and she looks forward to getting to school to see him. She's been so much happier all round and I told the teacher this and she said how glad she was and how she'd encourage the friendship as they were good for one another.

Then this week DD was told she's going to be in the opposite year one class to her friend and has been absolutely miserable since. She doesn't want to go back to school in September. It's going to be hard enough swapping teachers, classroom and routine but to remove her only friend after encouraging the friendship just seems cruel to me. Her teacher doesn't agree that DD has ASD and I feel like this move is a but spiteful.

I appreciate friendships change frequently at this age but having her friend in her class would've made the first few weeks at least so much easier for her. AIBU to complain and ask that something is done?

My DD3's old school did this, but also split her from all her friends, but they explained their reasons when I asked.

DD3 and her BF had an exclusive friendship - not healthy they were also a nightmare together

For various reasons certain children had to be in class A and a child with a particular disability who DD3 had also become friends with was being placed in class A. Due to DD3 having a sibling with SN, it had been noted that she was taking on a self-appointed carer role for this child, which was unnecessary (she had a TA and was learning independence skills) and unhealthy (she was 5), so DD3 was allocated classB. DD3 would have been ok, I think, and could have managed the situation. As it was, we had to move schools within the first half term of the new year, so I didn't find out.

MissionItsPossible "This is one sole case posted on here but the school/teacher could have had multiple similar requests from parents. How the hell would they be able to manage everyone's requests so everyone's child is happy?"

I don't think schools are required to keep all children 'happy'. If that is their job, then some have probably failed monumentally.

Fortunately, their brief isn't to keep everyone happy but it is important to be sensitive of the needs of children and especially those who find school especially hard, like those who are very shy.

Plus when your job is to keep people (some of whom do not want to be there at all) active and engaged, it would be mad to shoot yourself in the foot and separate children from their one and only precious source of support. To do that, without good reason, would indeed be very cruel and should, definitely, be investigated.

Sirzy "...they have their reasons for thinking it's best."

They may indeed, and so should be willing to share them.

But it may not be for the best especially if the teacher is not willing to accept the child is/may be on the spectrum.

I think have a word with the teacher. tell her your DD is upset , you can ask why, and then ask them how they can support your DD through the transition.

My DS is has PDA so friendships can be obsessional also can his relationships with with his teachers..He was part of a group the school decided to split for various reasons and they have played together on the playground every playtime and lunchtime this year...

I do think in the early years it is really important to get a few friendships and they can still play together at playtime but also give her space to build more friendships. I think it is probably healthy for both of them

IME they split them into classes by ability (although never admit to this)

I know that our schools will usually have sorted the new classes before May half term.
That's only less than a month ago that they made friends, and even if they were inseparable instantly then it would still have been a new friendship at a time when friendships are still quite fluid.

Assuming both classes have 30 in them, it's unlikely they'll be happy to move them around as they'd need to move someone else the other way.

Asking for them to be moved means asking that another child gets shifted out of the class they've been given, away from everyone they've already been told they will be with. I would be very surprised if the teachers were prepared to do this.

At our school they are mixed every year and one year or another it won't fall your child's way. For every parent who would like to insist their child is kept with X, there'll be another wanting to insist theirs is separated from B, and combined with getting the right balance of boys/girls, separating of twins, ability mix, SN mix, some people are inevitably disappointed. Roll with it. My DD was gutted to be separated from her best friend in Y3 and actually they didn't play together much that year, but they've been back together and closer than ever since.

By all means go and talk to the teacher but IMO you should be flagging that you are concerned about her not having friends there, asking how they & you can support her establishing herself socially in her new class, and easing transition, not demanding that they change the classes. They may already have some new children in mind who she will mix with.

Italiangreyhound that's all very well and good but when you've got a parent suggesting child A will flourish in a class with child B because they are shy and will be supportive of child's A needs but then a parent of child C requests their child is in with A but not B and parent of child D would like their child in a class with A but not B and definitely not with child C and parent of child E wants their child in a class with A and C but not B and D it starts to get a little complicated, don't you think?

Hi op - are they mixing the whole class or is it just a few children moving?

I only ask as our classes stay the same moving up. A few children were moved earlier in the year if there was an obvious problem (not settling or being disruptive) so now the classes are working well they'll continue up like that.

Maybe have a chat with the teacher as to what their strategy for mixing was. Did they want the more advanced phonics together etc or was it just to improve the social circles for everyone.

But agree with pp - try to speak to boys parents so you can provide a united front.

"Asking for them to be moved means asking that another child gets shifted out of the class" Only if both classes have exactly the maximum amount.

Colacolaaddict good point "...you should be flagging that you are concerned about her not having friends there, asking how they & you can support her establishing herself socially..."

MissionItsPossible I think it could get complicated if everyone has extra needs to be accommodated. But I am not sure all kids. Not to the same degree

Are you a teacher, by the way? Feel free not to say.

It's just you seem to be talking about all this from the teacher's perspective. That's fine if you are a teacher.

The OP is a parent. She is thinking about her child and what is best for them. Maybe moving will be best for this child.

I am a parent and am thinking of this in terms of the parent trying to get things the best they can for the child. Moving was the best thing for mine. I was very worried when my dd moved class but it was the best thing for her definitely.

However, if you are arguing the case for us as parents to think about all this from the teacher's or schools point of view, to be honest, I think schools should think of all this more from the kids point of view.

Being moved won't be a big issue for some kids, being with or not being with a specific child won't be such a big issue for all.

For some children it will be a big issue. If this move is planned with the child in mind, fine. If not, then what or who is it being done in mind of?

My dd was in a class where almost all the special needs kids were in together. They kept it like that for two years and then moved a number of kids over. All fine. But at other times they might move just one or two. I just think they need a good reason to do this.

How complicated it is is really based on how many children's special extra needs have to be taken into consideration. How many other kids in the class may be on the spectrum and may have only one friend and may be being split up from them.

That would be my thoughts, not how complicated it was for the teachers or the school. Because the teachers and the school are there to serve the kids, not the other way around.

Because the teachers and the school are there to serve the kids, not the other way around.

Yes, but sometimes when we serve () the children's wishes and always put them with their friends, we can't always serve () the other 26 children in their class.

Or indeed, we can make life easier for them in the short term when we could be helping them in the long term.

I've just sorted out our new classes for September and it took hours.

We try to get a mix of abilities, gender, SEN, EAL and pupil premium.

After that we try to make sure that everyone has at least one child that they work well with - not necessarily the child that their parents think they work well with, or even who the child themselves think they work well with.

We also have lots of special requests from parents to keep their child away from another child - they always want to remain anonymous and they always want the school to take responsibility if the other parents complain.

It could just be that, despite being good friends, your child isn't at his best when he's with his friend.

You could flag it up with the teacher incase it's an oversight but I expect there will be a reason, albeit one they aren't willing to share.

I don't mean to sound mean, but if they've played together since after the May half term, thats only a few weeks.

Perhaps the teachers feel she will therefore continue to meet other children and make friendships, now she has the experience with this boy

GreatWhites I am not talking about serving the children's wishes I am talking about what is best for individual children with individual needs.

Some may need more attention in this area than others who can make friends easily and move class easily.

"Or indeed, we can make life easier for them in the short term when we could be helping them in the long term."

What does that mean? To me this implies that all kids will work it out for themselves eventually and come up smiling if you throw them in. That's my take on your words. It doesn't always work that way.

OP if this is going to be better for your dd, I hope the teachers will be able to explain it well to you.

Hmm. I'm not sure to be honest. DS has ASD. With him there's no black and white. It's either one or the other with friendships. So he'll either not talk to you at all, and completely blank you; or be completely overbearing with the one person he's taken to. I'm not just saying this. It was said in an assessment that 'Mr Pixies can form immediate strong attachments' and went on to describe the time he was ridiculously inconsolable with one of his professionals bless him. He's taken to a lovely young girl this year but he's doing her bloody head in at the moment as he doesn't give her breathing space! I can totally see her mum asking that they be separated too.

I know it seems cruel OP but they will make other friends. Maybe it's the schoolw way of making sure they have no choice but to mix with other children?

I would stamp the teachers 'she doesn't believe she has ASD' on the head though. My DS was once in that school environment with q similar opinion and it was hellish. It's not her job to decide who in her class has ASD.

I am not talking about serving the children's wishes I am talking about what is best for individual children with individual needs.

And I am pointing out that what can be best for one child can disadvantage another.

Or indeed, we can make life easier for them in the short term when we could be helping them in the future
If Susy and Daisy only ever speak to each other, there is a case to be made for splitting them apart and encouraging them to make other friends. Or we could shrug and say 'they just like each other'.

Italiangreyhound no I'm not a teacher or a parent. As I said my point of view was from a non emotive stance - I can completely understand if I was put in the situation with my own child. I was just giving a balanced argument in that yes, one parent could argue their opinion on who should be in who's class but then so could ten or twenty other parents and if you're giving concessions to one, then you have to give concessions to all in the spirit of fairness and that's when you face difficulty. Again, I stress, this is from a practical point of view, I do not want to invalidate the feelings made by the OPs situation.

Great at no point have I suggest another child should be disadvantaged.

I just feel the OP, and the other parent if relevant, deserve to know their children are scheduled to be moved a d why it is deemed in their best interests.

Do Susy and Daisy both find it really hard to make friends?

Mission you do not need to give consecioid to all children in the same way. If a child in a wheel chair uses a ramp you don't need to insist all children use the ramp.

I'm not sure what purpose would be served by finding out the reason. You'll almost certainly disagree and they won't move anyone around now because it'd open the floodgates for other parents to request changes. Teachers don't want to make little children sad, or to make their own lives difficult by splitting up children who work well together, or to alienate parents for no reason. You've got a long school journey ahead of you both and I would recommend picking your battles.

If I am coming across as a bit bullish, I am sorry.

I had negative experiences of school, my dd had a crap experience of primary (now, thankfully better at secondary) and my son has had largely good experiences if primary (the same one dd went to!).

So for me it is quite emotive, as I am sure you can see. but do not want to derail OPs thread!

Italiangreyhound

You are not coming across as bullish, if anything, I am, considering this doesn't concern me in any way whatsoever! I was just putting my point across but to be honest I am derailing the thread too so will cease to post unless it's in context or to help the OP!

Yes school experiences can be horrible. In a way I am glad I grew up in a time without social media as if that was prevalent throughout my school years I would have felt there was no escape. I am sorry your daughter had a hard time at primary school. Hopefully at her secondary school she will flourish and learn her true qualities about herself and have a good time.