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Original poster

To want to split because DP hates being wrong?

101 replies

Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 19:52

I know this sounds pathetic but it's really starting to wear me down. For example, earlier on today we were having a discussion about something trivial when DP stated something that was incorrect so I corrected him, he said I was wrong so I said(nicely) "Oh right, let me just double check my facts" I googled it and read out the correct facts(what I previously said) and he just turned his back and ignored me. I asked him if he could hear me, he said "yeah" Why couldn't he just say "oh right, I never knew that"

Half an hour passes without him speaking to me and I ask him if he's annoyed because he was wrong about something really trivial. He denied this saying I was being really stupid and I wanted him to be annoyedHmm. He was soooo clearly annoyed, his face was a picture of annoyance. He got up and walked out of the room. I left it at that.

This happens really frequently over trivial things and important things. He just can't accept he's wrong ever. It causes so many fall outs. I've told him that there's nothing wrong with getting things wrong sometimes, it happens to everyone and when I'm wrong I acknowledge it to the person I'm speaking to.

This also happens when he does something that upsets me in our relationship. If I try to talk(calmly) to him and explain why I'm upset, he denies everything or says I'm wrong and it didn't happen that way or he didn't mean it that way, but it's the same result..my feelings and thoughts are not listened to. Has anyone else got DP like this and how do you deal with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jenna43 · 01/07/2017 01:20

Carolinesbeanies
What do I expect him to do when he's wrong? I want him to stop blaming me for his faults and be a grown up and admit when he's wrong, like I and most people I know do. Actually, you sound just like him, seriously, you're obviously of the same breed so please kindly piss off.

OP posts:
Postagestamppat · 01/07/2017 01:22

I can sympathise with the OP. My husband can be like this and my mother is the queen of it. My husband gets very stressed about work and life, so is worse when stressed. I can deal with it if I am calm. I have thought about leaving dh over it. It is the lack of respect for your opinions and feelings that can be so hurtful.

I can totally understand the OP getting really frustrated and forcing the point. Can you imagine how irritating it is for someone to argue that something is black when you are both looking at a white object. Especially when you weren't looking for an argument but just wanted to discuss something like adults.

My mother on the other hand is getting older and has started to lie to back up her arguments. She could start an argument in an empty room and recently admitted to me how annoying she finds my grandma (with dementia) when she (grandma) refuses to accept that she is wrong. I remember one such "discussion" about the weather last may! Deep breaths, deep breaths. I can't divorce my mother.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/07/2017 01:28

To the people saying 'it's a man thing', you're wrong.

OP, you can't go on like this.

This is who he is. He's not going to change.

Carolinesbeanies · 01/07/2017 02:34

"What do I expect him to do when he's wrong? I want him to stop blaming me for his faults and be a grown up and admit when he's wrong, like I and most people I know do. Actually, you sound just like him, seriously, you're obviously of the same breed so please kindly piss off."

But hes not blaming you for his faults, youre blaming him for his faults, regularly pointing them out in you 'lighthearted manner', or in your 'calm' way. (and no I wont piss off, another 'calm' moment from you?) Hmm

TBH, my anecdotal post is suddenly appearing rather accurate. Leave him, and put the poor bloke out of his misery.

Glastokitty · 01/07/2017 02:59

FGS it is not a man thing. Its an arsehole thing, and I am sorry for any of you excusing this shitty behaviour.

catloony · 01/07/2017 03:56

is he an only child
Why would that make someone be a a twat???

DoubleCarrick · 01/07/2017 04:12

My dh is an only. He's kind, caring and not a dickhead. It's not to do with being an only not that op said her dh was an only

PetalHead · 01/07/2017 04:15

Ugh I had one of these, and his method of Not Being Wrong was to blatantly lie about what he'd just said or done. "I didn't say X, I actually said Y" "It wasn't me who messed that up, it was you" Shock It's gaslighting, it's horrible and chips away at your sense of reality and self.

I do actually think that he didn't gaslight me as some part of a cunning plan to bring me down, but because it was so unbearable for him to be in the wrong, even about something tiny, that he'd convince himself he was right.

And I'm with you OP, why the hell should you drop it when you are right and they're not? I hated being told I was wrong about something and not being able to get to the bottom of it because he'd make it impossible with his lies. If I was wrong, fine, but what about when I wasn't? I think it does make you end up acting more petty because it drives you so crazy.

In the end I just couldn't respect or love him any more. And it's so ironic because someone who can say "oh silly me, d'oh" or "I was wrong about that, sorry" is so much nicer to be with and more "in the right" in terms of their behaviour and treatment of others.

IrritatedUser1960 · 01/07/2017 04:17

My ex used to correct everything I said in front of people - Oh no that wasn't how it happened etc making me look like a moron.
I suppose it depends on whether you can tolerate that shit or not. I can't - not combined with his many other foibles.
Does he generally make you feel happy and loved, do nice things for you, make you feel secure? If not why bother with this relationship.

PetalHead · 01/07/2017 04:17

And I would end up googling things because he would have me doubting myself. The difference is if i was wrong, I would say "Oh no look you were right, sorry." He never would.

echt · 01/07/2017 04:55

My DH and I fact check each other all the time. Whoever was wrong has to sing a special song. It's never bad tempered.

Outstanding, and should be in every relationship counsellor's handbook. Seriously.

What is the song, though? This could be a deal breaker.

rizlett · 01/07/2017 05:20

What was his relationship like with his dad op? It sounds a bit like he might have been the 'adored' man of the family and allowed to get away with everything.

He should be really good a communication with girls if he has 3 sisters.

What sort of example is he going to set to your dc assuming you get to that stage?

Do you want all this work to attempt to 'teach' him, get him to 'see' what he is doing or do you want the little bit of work involved with you moving on and finding someone who has the same values as you and accepts that making mistakes is part of being an emotionally mature adult.

rizlett · 01/07/2017 05:21

*communicator!

TenForward82 · 01/07/2017 06:15

It's a character flaw. I have plenty myself.

Wellthatsit · 01/07/2017 10:01

It's a passive aggressive reaction, probably developed in childhood as a reaction to being overpowered a lot. OP you say his mother admits to letting him get away with a lot. Was she protecting him from overbearing father or overbearing sisters?
My DH is quite passive aggressive too - doesn't argue black is white but will deny he's said certain things and rewrites the script of what's just happened to make things look like my fault instead of his. Also avoids being wrong wherever possible. I, on the other hand, like all the details out in the open and accurate and can't bear if something isn't acknowledged. It's a bad combination for sure.

he has had to learn how to admit his faults a bit more and I have had to learn not to point every little thing out. It is excruciating for both of us but we're working on it.
Read up on passive aggression for more insight into how to talk to him (but don't expect him to discuss it or acknowledge it - he won't be able to admit that's what it is)
I like the suggestion to take the mick, and facetiously insert an expert's name, but it depends on how good a sense of humour he has.

Original poster
Jenna43 · 01/07/2017 11:47

Carolinesbeanies
But hes not blaming you for his faults, youre blaming him for his faults
So just let him do and say what he wants and when he's wrong say nothing? Oh yeah because that makes for a healthy relationshipHmm

What was his relationship like with his dad op? It sounds a bit like he might have been the 'adored' man of the family and allowed to get away with everything
His relationship with his dad isn't great. His dad does the same thing to his mum x 100. She literally can't open her mouth without him cutting her off, he blames her for everything even if she wasn't there when something went wrong. My DP sees this is his dad and I've pointed out to DP that he's a bit the same, admittedly on a smaller scale but of course he said I was wrong.

Thanks everyone, except for Carolinesbeanies for all replies, some excellent advice here that I'm going to try and see if we can sort this because apart from this, he does make me happy so it might be worth trying to work through.

OP posts:
Trills · 01/07/2017 11:55

If "it's a man thing" - is that meant to suggest that we should put up with it because we can't expect better? Because men who do not behave this way are so rare?

Bollocks to that.

I would rather be single than with someone who behaved like this.

goose1964 · 01/07/2017 12:07

My DH is just like this, instead of pointing out he's wrong I just wallow in the joy that I'm right. We've been together for 30yrs so I'd say just develop a coping strategy

DrinkReprehensibly · 01/07/2017 12:23

It sounds like, the sort of situation where 'who is right and who is wrong' comes up quite a lot then? I just can't think of a time where that has been a thing with DH and me for ages. I can only assume it's because we both don't come out with bullshit and only give 'facts' in conversation when we are pretty sure it's correct, otherwise we'll say "I think..." I guess we therfore trust each other's knowledge without having to double check things in Google.

This kind of situation screams 'bullshitter' to me - likes to appear intelligent and knowledgeable even when they aren't sure of what they are saying. My friend's ex was like that at every get together. It's tiring and so frustrating when you know they are wrong but won't accept it.

YANBU Op. I couldn't put up with it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/07/2017 16:18

Or maybe he's the type to lecture. One of my BIL loves to lecture. Honestly you can hardly have a conversation without him synching into one of his lectures. These lectures are often full of bullshit said in a highly authoritative manner. He hates it when we challenge him and take the piss as he pontificates. I could not live with him. A long weekend is my limit.

Kursk · 01/07/2017 16:22

My system is to correct, if they don't want to believe me it's their own problem. I have done this many time and watched people did themselves into holes or situations.

kaitlinktm · 01/07/2017 17:53

I've told him that to but he turned it on me and said I was gas-lighting him

Then he's double gaslighting you. Grin

Veronicat · 01/07/2017 17:56

Fuck me, I think you're married to my DH!

Trills · 01/07/2017 19:46

That's what's-his-name, John Hamm.

No it's not, it's John Simm. John Hamm is the one from Mad Men.

Oh yeah, that one.

^^ this is how a normal conversation goes where someone is wrong

Grimbles · 01/07/2017 19:58

My DH can be a bit like this. Not so much in not accepting when he is wrong, but always having to check that I am right IYSWIM.

E.G asking me what time something is due to happen and then when I give an answer, saying oh I'm not sure that's right, let me check.

Drives me up the wall Angry

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