Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to split because DP hates being wrong?

101 replies

Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 19:52

I know this sounds pathetic but it's really starting to wear me down. For example, earlier on today we were having a discussion about something trivial when DP stated something that was incorrect so I corrected him, he said I was wrong so I said(nicely) "Oh right, let me just double check my facts" I googled it and read out the correct facts(what I previously said) and he just turned his back and ignored me. I asked him if he could hear me, he said "yeah" Why couldn't he just say "oh right, I never knew that"

Half an hour passes without him speaking to me and I ask him if he's annoyed because he was wrong about something really trivial. He denied this saying I was being really stupid and I wanted him to be annoyedHmm. He was soooo clearly annoyed, his face was a picture of annoyance. He got up and walked out of the room. I left it at that.

This happens really frequently over trivial things and important things. He just can't accept he's wrong ever. It causes so many fall outs. I've told him that there's nothing wrong with getting things wrong sometimes, it happens to everyone and when I'm wrong I acknowledge it to the person I'm speaking to.

This also happens when he does something that upsets me in our relationship. If I try to talk(calmly) to him and explain why I'm upset, he denies everything or says I'm wrong and it didn't happen that way or he didn't mean it that way, but it's the same result..my feelings and thoughts are not listened to. Has anyone else got DP like this and how do you deal with it?

OP posts:
Cailleach666 · 30/06/2017 20:54

Do you have kids?

TBH you both sound very young and a bit immature, maybe time to move on and kiss a few more frogs.

Justaboy · 30/06/2017 20:56

Sounds to me like he's a bit or more on the insecure side somewhere.

Course being a man i do know that and i''m not bloody wrong about it either so there;!

MsHopey · 30/06/2017 20:57

I had a similar disagreement with my stepdad.
I said the Queen Mother is given that title because she is a lady that was once Queen and has given birth to the reigning monarch.
My stepdad said it's the Queen's Mother, because she's the Mother of the Queen, and if she was succeeded by a King she would have been the King's Mother. I said, well, she would technically be the King's Mother it's not an official title and she would still be the Queen Mother.
That also for me in the dog house for a few days. I also googled it to make sure I was right. I'm not too bothered about admitting I'm wrong, but why should I roll over when I'm right? No one would ever learn anything if people didn't stick to their guns. Not point being ignorant when you don't have to be.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/06/2017 21:02

If you've been with him for a while and you think he's great in most other ways, and he has put some effort into changing in the past but can't sustain it, it may be that counseling would help. A good counsellor could potentially give him insight into why he feels the way he does when he's wrong and the communication skills he needs to respond better.

But if that doesn't work, life's far too short to live with an ass.

SquinkiesRule · 30/06/2017 21:02

I couldn't live with that OP. Make me crazy.
I remember arguing with Dh about something trivial, I was right he was wrong, me right didn't happen very often I ended up yelling, "Is this the hill you want to die on? "
I can't stand when someone is proved wrong but still won't back down.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 30/06/2017 21:09

Are we ignoring the part where op had to google the facts to prove she was right and dp was wrong? Sounds like neither of you like to be wrong

We're not in the 1950s any more. If he's wrong, we don't have to nod and say 'of course dear' even though we know we're right. It's just easier find the evidence that we're right now that we have Google to back us up.

Original poster
Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 21:15

Wreckingball25
Thanks for the book recommedation, I will definitely check that out.

TBH you both sound very young and a bit immature, maybe time to move on and kiss a few more frogs
Both mid 40sGrin

Justaboy
I'm beginning to think it may be something like that and he's not deliberately trying to wind me up.

Thank you everyone who has posted. I'm reading every message and giving them all some thought.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/06/2017 21:17

Ugh he sounds like an effort

#boybye

honeylulu · 30/06/2017 21:24

Are you married to my dad?
He is just like this. Will argue black is white and even in the face of concrete evidence will insist he is right. It's as if he has to save face but it has the opposite effect - he looks ridiculous and people (including his own adult children) have totally lost respect for him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/06/2017 21:25

Your conversations must be deathly boring. What do you even talk about if you have to be careful to avoid him being wrong?

What happens when you talk about stuff you are the expert on and he isn't? What happens when you talk about, say, a large purchase and you have different opinions? Have you ever learned to do something better than him?

Original poster
Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 21:35

honeylulu
Yes I understand that, I'm starting to lose respect for him and it worries me. I used to just let it go but I'm struggling with it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit
It's not every single conversation. It probably causes a row about every 10-14 days. It's not what we disagree on, it's his reaction to being wrong, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 30/06/2017 21:43

Could you imagine him on a quiz night...gets an answer wrong, argues with the quiz master, sulks for the rest of the time with a face like a smacked arse Grin

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 30/06/2017 21:46

It probably causes a row about every 10-14 days

Shock WTF! That frequently?! Not good at all. I couldn't put up with that, I'd be gone Hmm

Hermonie2016 · 30/06/2017 22:00

Being able to discuss differences of opinions is essential.Not talking to you is a big flag and one I wished I didn't ignore.

If he invalidates your feelings there is no longterm future as its a pre req to a healthy relationship.

ethelfleda · 30/06/2017 22:09

Mshopey I honestly never knew that. I would have thought the same as your step dad Grin

This would drive me mental. I'd hate my DH to do this. We rip the piss out of each other for being wrong about stuff in a funny 'banter' kind of way. No end of entertainment there some times 😆

IamalsoSpartacus · 30/06/2017 22:12

almost all men are the same

no, really they aren't. Bin him. It's a red flag issue. When he tells you 'it didn't happen that way' he is gaslighting you.

Original poster
Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 22:13

Being able to discuss differences of opinions is essential

Yes I agree and I've tried to tell him this. He thinks every disagreement is 'conflict'. He doesn't know how to sit and debate things and be told in a light-hearted way that he's wrong without getting annoyed about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 22:16

It's a red flag issue. When he tells you 'it didn't happen that way' he is gaslighting you.

I've told him that to but he turned it on me and said I was gas-lighting himShock

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/06/2017 22:34

You seem to think that you can only be right of he agrees that you are right. Like he has the power of veto over your feelings.

I've told him that to but he turned it on me and said I was gas-lighting him

He also turns every arguement round to me, never accepts responsibilty for anything.

What do you do during and after the sulks? I'd be furious. I certainly wouldn't be sitting waiting to play nicely when he decides I've been punished enough.

Every 10-14 days is interesting. Is that how long it takes for you to forget the lesson and point out mistakes again? Or is it something else?

It sounds like he's putting you in your place. Does he start these silly arguments and then sulk after any particular behaviours from you in the day or two before? Have you been out with friends, not washed his pants, chosen what to watch on TV, complained about the washing up?

monicabling · 30/06/2017 22:42

Hmm, I saw some short vid recently that explained why the majority of people will defend their beliefs to the death. I watch so much self help stuff I forget where I saw it. However, it has something to do with rigidity and lack of introspection. I don't think it's just a male thing but have to admit that the main culprit I know was my exH. I just say to myself now, do I want to be right or do I want to feel good. .

sonjadog · 30/06/2017 22:42

I have an ex who did this. I think it was one of the major reasons why I ended it. It was just exhausting having all arguments twisted so that it was never his fault. I sometimes wondered if he actually believed that he could never be wrong or was it just an attempt to cover up his insecurity. Anyway, I couldn´t live with it. In the end it eroded all my respect for him.

Original poster
Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 22:59

RunRabbitRunRabbit
I don't let him away with it anymore. I tell him he's wrong and I don't back down. I've told him that we'll probably finish over this that with each row my respect for him in diminishing. A few months back he asked me to call him out on it the minute he starts as he doesn't know he's upsetting me so much but it didn't last long. The first couple of times I made him aware of it he did indeed shut it and back down but it didn't last.

I don't think he starts them deliberately. It could be something that I've started a light-hearted conversation about it'll end up in a row.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/06/2017 23:09

I'd want to split if I were you. YANBU. He's being a dick.

Ok so he hates being wrong, but surely that should make him want to protect you from that same feeling? By refusing to admit he's wrong, he's forcing you to be wrong.

Tbh, it sounds like you've decided the relationship is over. Are you really just looking for the right narrative for explaining why you want to end it?

TenForward82 · 30/06/2017 23:14

My DH does similar in the sense of every argument is me taking it the wrong way. I feel gaslit too. Things are improving as we've been going to therapy. Aside from that issue he's awesome. He just hates being in the wrong.

Charlotteswigwam · 30/06/2017 23:18

Ooooh, your last comment about every disagreement being a conflict from his standpoint. run away from people like that, run away as fast as possible.

Swipe left for the next trending thread