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Original poster

To want to split because DP hates being wrong?

101 replies

Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 19:52

I know this sounds pathetic but it's really starting to wear me down. For example, earlier on today we were having a discussion about something trivial when DP stated something that was incorrect so I corrected him, he said I was wrong so I said(nicely) "Oh right, let me just double check my facts" I googled it and read out the correct facts(what I previously said) and he just turned his back and ignored me. I asked him if he could hear me, he said "yeah" Why couldn't he just say "oh right, I never knew that"

Half an hour passes without him speaking to me and I ask him if he's annoyed because he was wrong about something really trivial. He denied this saying I was being really stupid and I wanted him to be annoyedHmm. He was soooo clearly annoyed, his face was a picture of annoyance. He got up and walked out of the room. I left it at that.

This happens really frequently over trivial things and important things. He just can't accept he's wrong ever. It causes so many fall outs. I've told him that there's nothing wrong with getting things wrong sometimes, it happens to everyone and when I'm wrong I acknowledge it to the person I'm speaking to.

This also happens when he does something that upsets me in our relationship. If I try to talk(calmly) to him and explain why I'm upset, he denies everything or says I'm wrong and it didn't happen that way or he didn't mean it that way, but it's the same result..my feelings and thoughts are not listened to. Has anyone else got DP like this and how do you deal with it?

OP posts:
Charlotteswigwam · 30/06/2017 23:20

Or alternatively settle down to life I. Their reality because that's where you'll be living...

ChasedByBees · 30/06/2017 23:23

  1. LTB. He sounds awful and every 10-14 days is far too often for this shit.

  2. OP who asked if he was an only child - please. Really ugly and quite ridiculous assumptions.

  3. I have also learnt something about the Queen Mother!

ChasedByBees · 30/06/2017 23:23

Not OP - PP.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 30/06/2017 23:24

Notknown my comment about knowing some other men was intended to be lighthearted, apologies that it appeared patronising.

You did however say "almost all men are the same" and did not limit that to men you know so don't pull me up for misrepresenting what you posted.

Original poster
Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 23:24

Tbh, it sounds like you've decided the relationship is over. Are you really just looking for the right narrative for explaining why you want to end it?

I thought maybe someone who has been through it would have some magic one-liner to give me and stop him in his tracks and it would never happen againGrin. I quite like your line of "by refusing to admit he's wrong, he's forcing you to be wrong.", might try that one on him, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 23:26

@TenForward82

Can your DH admit now when he's wrong? Has he seen the light?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/06/2017 23:30

Just break up with him. He's an idiot.

Ohyesiam · 30/06/2017 23:30

A long term relationship needs to be ease filled most of the time. If it's a slog, or you walk on eggshells, really don't bother.

TenForward82 · 30/06/2017 23:31

Yes, he has. He's not very introspective by nature but has been very open about his thought process now
"You tell me I'm wrong and my brain immediately starts a list of reasons why that's not true"

I can sympathise with that, it's a defense mechanism. But therapy has shown him that he does it, and how it makes me feel, from an impartial perspective (the therapist's). It was a HUGE elephant in the room in our marriage that I never really knew how to make him understand. Therapy is making a massive difference.

TenForward82 · 30/06/2017 23:33

OP yoy might get more, er, nuanced responses in Relationships. Very easy for people to go LTB when it's not their life. We all have character flaws and we can all fail to face up to them. I'm guilty of it too (therapy is also helping me).

Original poster
Jenna43 · 30/06/2017 23:37

TenForward82
Therapy sounds like an option. Glad it's all working out for you.

OP posts:
Charlotteswigwam · 30/06/2017 23:43

Actually yes, I agree with 10forward if he was prepared to talk about it openly and even go to some sort of therapy than that would be ok. The problem with my partner was that he was maybe more extreme - he had to be right about everything and everything was a competition he had to win, so we could never have had a calm discussion about it without him insisting that I was wrong and we had never had an argument about that etc etc

Littlepleasures · 30/06/2017 23:48

My DH is just like this. After years of getting drawn into the sort of trivial arguments you describe leading to fallout way out of proportion, I sat him down one day, explained how I felt about it all and told him from now on I'd disagree if I thought he was wrong, but only the once then I'd shrug my shoulders and sweetly smile when he continued to argue. After all, , I only want to put my point of view, not win the argument. Now we're both happy. I know I'm right and he gets to pretend he's right. Not been doing it so much now though!
Have always puzzled over why he's unable to cope with being disagreed with. He grew up bullied by an older brother and I think he automatically goes into defence mode at the slightest hint he might be being belittled.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/06/2017 23:49

He has to want to do the therapy for it to work.

Don't spend all night googling therapy for him.

Tell him to stop it. Tell him you'll stick around for longer if he is getting help to stop it. Then you have to let him decide if therapy is the answer and get himself some if he so chooses.

echt · 30/06/2017 23:54

While he sounds a fearful arse, how do you express his wrongness and your rightness?

Have you tried: I don't think I''m mistaken here. I'll check..... I wasn't mistaken after all. Avoid the the words right/wrong/correct which are absolute. No need to say he's wrong.

If he' still a tit after this, bin him off.

echt · 30/06/2017 23:56

By the way, OP, I am not blaming you, just suggesting a way to handle this.

Actually, he's been gaslighting you, so is binworthy.

AnUtterIdiot · 01/07/2017 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnUtterIdiot · 01/07/2017 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WomblingThree · 01/07/2017 00:05

How long have you been with him? Has he always been like this? Honestly, by your 40s you should be over arguing about pointless shit for no reason. Go and find someone to have fun with. Life's to bloody short.

WomblingThree · 01/07/2017 00:05

Too short

user1498240695 · 01/07/2017 00:06

Meh, try saying 'ok' (insert name of person with expertise in said subject and grin and let it wash over you). E.G. DH 'the moon is made of cheese' you ' of course it is, I'm so pleased to be educated by you professor Brian Cox.' Be adventurous, the penny will drop eventually

Travis1 · 01/07/2017 00:10

I hate all this 'oh it's a man thing' it's just excusing one person on a stereotype and we'd all be raging if a guy came on saying 'oh it's women when they are on their period' or similar.

Honestly op it sounds exhausting what are you meant to do bow down to his every word? I couldn't cope with someone I couldn't have a good debate with. DH and I relish in the competition of who is right and who is wrong but nobody gets huffy. Stuff that for a game of soldiers life is too short!

MistressDeeCee · 01/07/2017 00:17

Its not pathetic OP. I had 5 years with a partner like that. I look back and cringe re why I didnt leave the boor earlier. He HAD to be right. Even a difference of opinion on a non-serious tv prog fgs, would turn into an issue with him having to be right, driving home his point for hours. Sulks, frosry atmosphere, the works. Im into spirituality not christianity and he "was very seriously thinking I cant be with you anymore'. But at the same time banging on and on and ON about christianity being the RIGHT religion. He had to be right about everything. So many things. I had to get rid of him. Fair exchange.

Get rid of this man find better people and things to deal with in life. Somehow I loved (aspects of) that man but when I got rid..honestly..after a good while I likened being with him as akin to having a radio incessantly playing the same droning song, driving you nuts. & then one day - you decide to turn the radio off. Just like that, the noise of their 'absolute rightness' is gone. Never to return. Oh, the bliss. ..

Do yourself a favour no man is worth the hassle. They are mere mortals after all. Nicer ones out there, as I found out Smile

Besides..imagine going into your elder years with that kind of man as your partner and company...misery and blight would be your reward. Get rid.

MistressDeeCee · 01/07/2017 00:30

& no, not all men are like this, as Ive seen mentioned here and there. Plenty of men arent rude and gaslighting, and do love and respect their partner as their equal. They can debate seriously & non seriously, and not go into crisis mode because theyre not The Big Man Who Must Be Right At All Costs. aka boring pain in the arse.

Amazes me when men who act like dickheads to their partners are described as awesome in other ways. As if that somehow cancels out their unkindness. If he were awesome to you, you'd be happy.

Carolinesbeanies · 01/07/2017 00:44

"with each row my respect for him in diminishing."

I agree with the pp who said , why are you so adamant to be right? It really does sound like 6 of 1 half a dozen of another.

Hes wrong about something. So what? What do you really want him to do?

I do wonder if he were on here you may get a post like this.

'My wife constantly belittles everything I say. Its not about anything important, but if I even say Im sure Brad Pitt was in Lord of the Rings, for example, she not on,y waves google under my nose, but she demands I apologise for being so stupid. My esteem is on the floor as I cant even be trusted to read the cooking instructions on a packet. Its every little thing that then blows up into a huge argument, her adamant she wants to 'win' cause shes the clever one and right, and me utterly pissed off at being belittled, ridiculed, told Im stupid and expected to kneel at her feet telling her just how smart she is. How would the world turn without her. The 'right' and the 'wrong' is irrelevant, she just loves to undermine any opinion I may have. Do I just leave her now, or how can I stop her belittling everything I say and do?'
Im at my wits end, I cant even pick up a mop without being told Im doing it wrong. What can I do?'

So OP, what would your advice be to a post like that? Clearly Ive made huge outrageous leaps, but stopping for a moment and looking at this from his position wouldnt be a bad thing.