To buy ds none of the things he really wants for his birthday due to hs behaviour

[theduchessstill]

I am at an utter loss with his behaviour and just don't know what to do.

His favourite thing in the world is fucking Shopkins. They are an utter pile of over-priced shit, but fine. He has been collecting the cards, which are good because they cost a lot less than the bloody two packs and he's been spending pocket money on them and earning them by doing little chores.

However, over the last few weeks he's got more and more obsessed and goes on morning noon and night about when he get his next pack. Every time we go near shop he starts a tantrum and it's become unbearable. As a result he hasn't had any at all for about 2 weeks, yet he still goes on and on and on. We had a deal that he could have a two-pack this week if he went from Tuesday-Sat without whining for them, but he had a massive tantrum in Sainsbury's yesterday so that's off. I'm fine with standing my ground, though it is getting really wearing because he goes on and on every fucking day.

The complication is his birthday is in three weeks. For the first year ever he is going on about that too - or much more than in previous years, and everything on his list is Shopkin related. The stuff is utter tat, but that's not the point - it seems to me this stuff has a really bad impact on him and it's like an addiction. I don't want to hand over a pile of the stuff; it's of no worth whatsoever, the stories & cartoons have absolutely no plot and there is no point to it whatsoever. It makes Disney Princess look like the work of a towering intellect. Obviously that wouldn't matter if his behaviour around them wasn't so appalling.

Every tantrum he has he starts on about his birthday and how I better not get him 'random stuff', as I did last year and at Christmas, ruining those events for him apparently. He didn't act like that at the time - he gratefully received all presents which were, as usual, a mix of things he'd asked for and surprises.

He's just being so utterly foul at the moment and has spent the best part of an hour hitting out at me, pinching me and telling me he hates me - all triggered by another Shopkin request that was refused. I haven't bought him anything yet and I really can't get in the mood to as he's being so awful and I feel he might be horribly ungrateful if it's not Shopkins related but I can't bear to buy a load of the tat.

What has happened to him - he's turning 8 - it shouldn't be like this, surely ?

You want vile? How about 200 fricking Trashies. Small pointless rubbery bogies that came with orange dustbins and did absolutely feck all except replace the Lego on the floor with something slightly less painful underfoot.
He would get two Trashie pressies and then other stuff like David Walliams books, Lego, Minecraft models, etc. Try the simple... you have x gifts coming. Each time you are rude, disrespectful or violent, one will be removed and given to x charity/person Worked for me when I followed through and handed over a Trashie pack to another child in front of him.

So Dad wouldn't stick to the rules? Fine send the whole lot to his house and totally ban them from yours. Your son sounds spoilt complaining about gifts he got for Christmas and needs to learn that he can't demand gifts. They are not an entitlement. Control him now before you end up with an undisciplined thug by the time he reaches his teens. Give him a couple of small gifts to open and put the rest of what you would have spent into a savings account for him.

Hiya Op, I don't think you are a rubbish mum, you sound caring and trying very hard. Sometimes it feels that everyone else's kids are perfect, can go into shops and even help with the shopping, while your wee one is rolling on the floor howling (I know it won't be that bad, but it may at times feel like it), but I'm pretty sure every now and then everyone's kids do this.
My son was like this, we had: Thomas the tank engine/gogos/football cards/Lego and Pokemon. Every single Pokemon evolution I knew at one point, every single feckin one. Drove me bonkers, but it passed.
I don't have any great advice, other than try not to stress too much, it will pass. Good grief, you may even look back and wish for shopkins, your wee ones next fascination may be worse!
I'm not trying to make light of your situation, I know how hard it can be, especially on your own and if your sons dad is not helping, that will make it much worse. Just keep reiterating that bad behaviour will mean a loss of the things, but good behaviour will get him more and follow through with it. I also wouldn't stop his birthday presents being what he wants and I loved 665s idea of giving him masses and knocking the excitement out of them.
Good luck Op and try not to doubt your parenting skills, they are the best for your son.

I don't have children so feel free to take my suggestion with a bucket of salt... however I've seen this approach work with a friend and her boy when his behaviour was getting out of control with tantrums etc.

I'd sit him down and explain that his behaviour is unacceptable and that if he has one more tantrum over the shopkins thing then you'll take the whole lot away and he will have to earn it back. When he throws another tantrum - follow through completely. Then make him earn the stuff back by good behaviour but only a little bit at a time. This has two effects: firstly, he has to moderate his behaviour and secondly, he will have to entertain himself with other things so it may result in him losing interest or at least becoming less obsessive. As for his birthday, maybe get him a couple of small things but the rest other stuff - if he complains then you can say that all his shopkins stuff is currently confiscated so you didn't think it right to give him a load stuff he couldn't enjoy.

If you think he will be resentful/ungrateful of other "toys" as such - could you make his birthday present some kind of fun "experience" rather than lots of "things"? That way encouraging him to focus on something else for a while?

Not sure what else to suggest - it sounds very difficult and full credit to you.

Had a DN like this - obsessed by an internet game which all DN's friends were playing some of them all day, and there were gifts and online chat if you were on there. DN had a tantrum when stopped from playing over lunch and spoilt it for all the family and it wasn't the first time. Finally his parents got together and resolutely talked DN through it. OP, suggest you discuss with school and find out whether it's a major obsession there and what can be done - and get his DP onside.

The fact it's shopkins is neither here nor there. Maybe letting him have some every Friday for instance. He knows he'll get them, no point asking another day or having a tantrum - it's un negotiable. Also don't worry him by using them as a threat. Be firm, ignore him if he throws a wobbly, the minute he calms down, chat to him nicely, not about the tantrum- ignore it completely- offer him a drink maybe, or a book to read- whatever, just act normally and completely ignore the fact he's just had a tantrum. Without a response he'll soon stop having them. Op, it's hard being a parent, tell yourself you're doing well, have confidence. Bad behaviour ignored, good behaviour rewarded with attention ( not stuff). 💐

Starry -its all very well taking the attitude, I can sort this child out in 5 minutes; but DD was diagnosed with ADD at 22. THE major symptom, and the only one we were aware of at 8 was the tantrums, which we put down to a stroppy personality! She too has only ever really had one (special) interest in life since the age of 12 - and quite frankly came across as an airhead, because she took no interest in the news, or anything else going on in the world, despite being extremely bright. She can't make small talk, because she does not know anything about anything else, except her special interest - and no, she is not on the autistic spectrum!

Do you think your DS may be dealing with some attachment issues OP, perhaps due to the shared care arrangement and the apparently different parenting styles? It sounds like he might be using the shopkins as a tool for emotional control (buy them for me to prove to me you love me, if you don't I will feel rejected and hurt all over again and try to hurt you in return).

If it is this, the shopkins are a red herring- just a pawn in his need for a secure attachment.

Maybe read some information about attachment disorder as see if any of it rings true?

Every so often, I get stuck in a rut with my 7 year old DS (who incidentally also likes Shopkins). What gets us out of it is making a big fuss of him when he reacts to disappointment in a mature way rather than whining. He really responds to praise. Most of the time he's lovely now, but in the past I have sent toys once or twice to charity for aggressive behaviour. I never binned them though - I think that would be an awful thing to do.

Your DS seems to be really anxious about when he will next get the Shopkins. Can you tell him that he can buy them himself when he has earned enough money? Then work out with him when that is likely to be? Obviously that will depend on whether he does his chores without fussing! But it does make things less uncertain.

To be honest, the thing my DS loves most is me spending my time with him, e.g. if we're out and about and he spots some little piece of tat he wants, I give him the choice of him spending his own money on it or me playing a board game or 20 minutes of kicking a ball around with him. He almost invariably picks the latter. It's made my DS realise that the novelty of the toy wears off quickly (10 minutes or so), whereas he gets a lot more out of spending time playing with me. His mood then improves, which means less whining!

Might be worth a try. Sorry if you do all this already. It's just I know I don't do enough of that stuff with DS and he's always grateful when I do.

I wouldn't deprive him of his birthday treats. The problem isn't the Shopkins as such (whatever they may be!) and no matter how worthless they are. For whatever reason they have become his happy place.

You can set out very strict rules about how earns them and when he can get them. Once or twice a week on a specific day(s) you go to the shop and buy them, with his pocket money or with tokens he's earned from you by doing little chores or other little bits of good behaviour, and that's the only time. You can ignore foulness, don't argue or scold or punish, it's all just noise. But don't weaken - he can earn his Shopkins tokens any time but he gets to buy his Shopkins on Shopkins day and no other day.

I would not punish whining for Shopkins by not getting Shopkins. Whining is communication - yes it's a shit form of communication but still communication. If you take that away from him then it's likely to be replaced by an even worse form of communcation - hitting. Let him whine.

And I would not try to physically restrain an 8 year old from hitting me because I couldn't do it safely. Fine if you can but I would walk away instead. I used to insist DS went to his room with a count to 10 and a threat of removing a toy (overnight) if he didn't go. And if he hits you then find some other punishment that's not related to Shopkins, so as not to make them even more of an issue than they are. Try to think outside the Shopkins box for punishments altogether. Let Shopkins be the reward he earns, not something he can lose as a punishment. Reasons why... it's to do with anxiety. Anxiety makes aggression worse. If he's in a constant ferment about will he get them/wont he get them/will he lose the right to them/when will he get them/etc that's going to fuel aggression. Let him be confident that if he does his chores he can have his reward at the set time.

And on the other hand, do be willing to discuss them with him and let him tell you all about them and which ones he wants to buy next etc etc etc no matter how pointless and boring they are. They're his big interest. And after all, they could be very useful as a reward. Remind him how nice it will be on Saturday when he gets to spend his Shopkins money.

I really do sympathise, physical aggression from your own kid is horrible. My DS has obsessions and could also get aggressive. For my DS it was just the result of an ASC. It may not be the same cause at all for your DS, especially since this is a new thing, but you might be able to manage it in a similar kind of way. I see you've had a variety of advice - good luck with whatever you decide to try

'I give him the choice of him spending his own money on it or me playing a board game or 20 minutes of kicking a ball around with him'.

I'm hoping you've explained that badly because it sounds an awful lot like emotional blackmail.

Why can't he spend his pocket money on some tat AND have his mum spend 20 minutes with him?!

You're blackmailing him into making choices you agree with (and not good or bad choices, but just personal preferences) by withholding you attention. That's not good parenting.

Thank you Kleinzeit. I take a lot of interest in his shopkins and, before the tantrum hit tonight, spent time on shopkins hangman and asigning them roles in his school play.

I think more structure would help and it's just a case of involving ex more in that.

You aren't a shit patent OP. Far from it. You are doing well and asking for help. Ignore the bollocks about "I'd soon sort that brat out"

I have a kid with ADHD so get those comments a lot. So ignorant.

I would do the same OP, good luck

Whatever you do, and whatever happens with this particular obsession. STOP buying random bits every few days. It'll just feed an obsession.

It's not necessary, and whether it's Pokémon cards, match attax, minions shit or minecraft. Stop feeding this need to get new shit every few days. Don't look at it as a treat. Kids do NOT need treats on this kind of level, with this sort of frequency.

I'm the evil parent that had literally never let her child have an ice cream from the van near school, but I'm reasonable. They can have one from the freezer after dinner.

Toys should be a special thing, not an expected thing every few days. Do whatever for his birthday, if anything, go overboard, but after that cut out buying this plastic crap all the time.

Love bomb him. Reassure him loads. Give him a shit load of attention. Stop buying him crap.

I think the posters pointing out how anxious he has become about the Shopkins things and how it might not be a good idea to fuel that by repeatedly threatening to withhold them, take them away etc, have a point. Let him have them in a regular and consistent way. Take some away for bad behaviour and let him earn them back. And I'd get them for his birthday - I agree with the person saying devalue them by allowing them, rather than building them up as an unattainable thing he will fixate on.

While you might expect them to be a younger kids' thing, I don't get the insistence here that he should be moved on from Shopkins. Why can't he be allowed to like what he likes? Don't we usually tell our kids to be true to their own likes/dislikes and not just follow what the crowd/their best friends do?

I don't think your problem is Shopkins. I think it could be a transference behaviour. You need to dig deeper and find out what this obsession is masking. Is it right that you are separated from his Dad?

I'd have put him over my bloody knee to be quite honest

I read this, and quivered in anticipation at the pummeling I thought you'd get, but so far you've got off.

What grabby says - he sounds distressed and out of control. Kids don't want to be at war with their parents. What is it really about? Because if he's got to 8 without being like this all the way through, it is about something.

Set firm limits about the hitting etc, but be there for him and don't reject him. Play with the Shopkins, ask about them, draw pictures of them together,,give him cuddles and don't let them become a power play.

The fact that your child is complaining about the Xmas presents etc you have bought him previously just seems extremely disrespectful to me!
Without understanding your history, it's difficult to say the background for his behaviour but you have mentioned you're doing it alone and that dad isn't much help?
Could this relationship dynamic be an influence in your child's behaviour? Is DS copying any "attitude" from dad? Is it a relatively new situation between yourself and dad and DS is acting out?
Either way - his behaviour is of a tantruming toddler, not that of an 8 year old.

I disagree with some of the previous posts, I don't think he should get them for his birthday as they seem to trigger and almost reinforce his destructive behaviour... you'd just need to make sure that no one else buys them for him either!
There's a reason behind his fascination with them, maybe an emotional connection, worth trying to figure that out.

Shopkins nonsense aside... you need to go hard core over the hitting. you don't say what consequences were of that behaviour. I would implement a very harsh punishment there and make it utterly clear he never lays a hand on you.. it anyone... ever again. this little 8 year old is going to be a teenager the size of a grown man.... if you can't control him now you are going to end up a real victim when he is 15 odd and still lashing out.

Don't withhold the shopkin stuff for his birthday. He sounds like he's really struggling with something to be obsessing over them and behaving like this.

I think in this instance you should think of the 'tantrum' as an attack of anxiety because that's what it sounds like to me. Kids can lose their shit when their worried or have something bigger going on in their head not to be naughty or disrespectful.

I know how hard It is. I'm along with dare I say two children with ASD and it took years for the anxiety hitting and meltdowns to calm down.

No one is saying your child has Sen but they recognise the obsessive pattern of behaviour which sounds a bit more complicated that typical disrespect.

Thank you for all the replies.

This morning he started on about a birthday sleep over which I have said no to as the children he wants have never even been to tea. I think his birthday seems to be causing anxiety this year and he may have been trying to firm up friendships with talk of how great it's going to be. I'm never sure how he's doing socially but he does seem happy at school.

He's put The Deep on this morning instead of shopkins videos and knows we are putting them away after this episode.

I feel like there may be other stuff going on with him but while the shopkins are around we can't get to the bottom of anything as his behaviour gets so bad.

I agree with music, praise the good

As for the birthday buy /make a shopkins cake and cards, then spend some of the money on shopkins presents wether that's from eBay or new, so if it a flying phase you can buy for the new theme later in the year, or into his savings account if he has one.
It's tuff when you don't like the theme but join in you've already said you have but share his interest and talk it to death, play him at his game, this just might turn him off!

Parenting is tuff but the things I've found, is they need boundaries consistency consistency consistency
and routine.
I would start saying "you can do that at dads house, but in this house we have to do xyz, on repeat if need be!
And catch them doing the good and comment on it,
we do marbles in a jar 50 marbles = something good.

Could it be the social stuff, and maybe social stuff associated with his birthday in particular, that is the big issue and anxiety more than the Shopkins as such? Shopkins is "easy" for him. If something got too hard for my DS to discuss he'd revert to gabbling on about one of his own interests.

It might be worth digging around a bit at school to find out he's doing socially. Does he have a friendship group, friends over to play? Has he been on sleepovers or had other kids over himself? If the children he wants to sleep over are not ones you've met does that mean something's going on in his friendship group?

If you're not sure how he is doing socially then one book you might want to have a look at is The Unwritten Rules of Friendship It looks at different kinds of social difficulties that kids can have (from shyness and over-sensitivity to bullying to unusual interests) and how to help kids along.