To buy ds none of the things he really wants for his birthday due to hs behaviour

[theduchessstill]

I am at an utter loss with his behaviour and just don't know what to do.

His favourite thing in the world is fucking Shopkins. They are an utter pile of over-priced shit, but fine. He has been collecting the cards, which are good because they cost a lot less than the bloody two packs and he's been spending pocket money on them and earning them by doing little chores.

However, over the last few weeks he's got more and more obsessed and goes on morning noon and night about when he get his next pack. Every time we go near shop he starts a tantrum and it's become unbearable. As a result he hasn't had any at all for about 2 weeks, yet he still goes on and on and on. We had a deal that he could have a two-pack this week if he went from Tuesday-Sat without whining for them, but he had a massive tantrum in Sainsbury's yesterday so that's off. I'm fine with standing my ground, though it is getting really wearing because he goes on and on every fucking day.

The complication is his birthday is in three weeks. For the first year ever he is going on about that too - or much more than in previous years, and everything on his list is Shopkin related. The stuff is utter tat, but that's not the point - it seems to me this stuff has a really bad impact on him and it's like an addiction. I don't want to hand over a pile of the stuff; it's of no worth whatsoever, the stories & cartoons have absolutely no plot and there is no point to it whatsoever. It makes Disney Princess look like the work of a towering intellect. Obviously that wouldn't matter if his behaviour around them wasn't so appalling.

Every tantrum he has he starts on about his birthday and how I better not get him 'random stuff', as I did last year and at Christmas, ruining those events for him apparently. He didn't act like that at the time - he gratefully received all presents which were, as usual, a mix of things he'd asked for and surprises.

He's just being so utterly foul at the moment and has spent the best part of an hour hitting out at me, pinching me and telling me he hates me - all triggered by another Shopkin request that was refused. I haven't bought him anything yet and I really can't get in the mood to as he's being so awful and I feel he might be horribly ungrateful if it's not Shopkins related but I can't bear to buy a load of the tat.

What has happened to him - he's turning 8 - it shouldn't be like this, surely ?

[lovelysquish]

Tbh I'd be telling him no shopkins ever again.

That really is addictive behaviour isn't it. Blimey. Good luck OP!

Maybe tell him he can have one requested thing for his bday (but iinform him before that f he requests shopkins, he'll be getting Disney princess socks).

The other stuff will be what you want to get him.

DD is only 4 but she started behaving like that with peppa fucking pig. I outright banned it. She had a few weeks of having tantrums but stopped after that. Mainly because when she screamed and screamed I told her she was behaving like a brat. (She doesn't like being called a brat and I use it only when I mean to call attention to her bad behaviour)

Since he's 8 could you try talk to him on a 'grown up' level?. Say that he shouldn't really behave this way over something

good luck!

[MycatsaPirate]

I'd get him some shopkins stuff but I'd also chuck in a couple of Lego sets. Try and wean him off the shopkins habit so to speak. They go through so many phases and what is important to him now will be of little to no interest in six months.

I'd look at giving him pocket money based on good behaviour. That way if he behaves he gets max pocket money (enough for a packet of cards) but if he kicks off then it gets reduced by 10% each time. Let him learn that good behaviour brings good rewards.

And I don't think it's odd to ask about SEN. My DD has autism, only just diagnosed (she's 11) and one of the things that really does stick out with her is her absolute obsessions with things. Therefore her room is a mish mash of spiderman, wildlife creatures, cushions/pillows/teddy bears and books. She also has a ton of other 'things' which are arranged carefully and she knows the location of everything.

So not odd to ask, autism does tend to lead to some kids being really obsessed with something and it can be really hard to just try and distract them with something else.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

I wouldn't use his birthday presents as a punishment. I'd just get him what you were going to get him. Using his birthday presents as a consequence isn't going to help his day to day behaviour.
You obviously need to get on top of the tantrums though. I'd try shorter term rewards and consequences for his behaviour. If he's behaving badly daily then waiting best part of a week for a reward might not be attainable for him now. Maybe he could have an episode of Shopkins at the end of the day on the days he's behaved well. And a Shopkins he already has could be removed for the day for each episode of bad behaviour?

[Goingtobeawesome]

I have a child who liked things I felt were too young for him. But his money, his choice and he bought them. Why should I dictate to him? It's the bad behaviour here that's wrong, not the fact he likes things that some people decree are for kids younger than him.

[theduchessstill]

Gosh what do people mean by "allow tantrums '? Surely no parent does that? I'VE got all the books though more for his older brother and there are no other Sn symptoms and no previous for tantrums at this level even when younger.

I'm lost and doing it alone is so much harder.

[blankface]

I'd be very concerned with his level of emotional (?) attachment to these toys, his constant monologuing about them and his behaviour which is bordering on addiction/obsession.

Do all his peers share an interest in Shopkins, particularly the boys?

I'd be concerned if that's all he got for his birthday some of his partygoers, classmates and friends would make fun of him at every opportunity.

Have you found out what triggers him into violence when he hits you?

I'd be having a word with the GP, describing particularly the obsession and the violence and let them refer you to someone that can help you.
his Father needs to be on board with any interventions you're given.

[theduchessstill]

Just feel so defeated as what ever strategy i try will be undone at his dad's. He is very obsessive.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Dad is obsessive too? Have the school said anything. Just like @MycatsaPirate my DBro was obsessed with things. And got distressed and violent when those things weren't as he liked them.

[theduchessstill]

Sorry no dad not obsessive just ds.

[NetflixandBill]

Rather than threatening to take the whole collection away if that feels too drastic, you could try taking one or more items from him every time he behaves in this way. He then has to earn them back with sustained good behaviour and cannot have anything new while he has items confiscated.

For the birthday, maybe buy him one small thing and then the rest can be things you want to get him. If he complains, you can say again that the way he has behaved towards you because of the shopkins stuff has caused you not to buy any more.

[Hassled]

How recent was the divorce? Is that something your DS has completely accepted, or a source of anxiety? I gather you don't have the sort of relationship with his father that you can discuss this - so is there actual conflict? The fact that these Shopkins are so, so important to your DS makes them seem a bit like a security blanket - a reassuring comfort thing. The fact that you say the stories are dull and bland sort of backs that up - he's embraced something completely unchallenging, because that's easy and something he can process.

Does your DS's school have a Parent Support Advisor? The Head or the school office could point you in the direction of someone with that sort of a role - and that could be the route to getting your Ex to understand that your parenting has to be consistent.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

Well you can't stop a child becoming upset but you don't have to let them repeatedly hit you. You can remove yourself or them from the situation.

[NuffSaidSam]

I would be making him go cold turkey.

I would sit down and tell him exactly what was going to happen and why. I would frame it as 'in his best interests' rather than as a punishment. I would explain to him that his unhealthy interest in them is making him unable to control his behavior and that isn't good for him.

Then I would take all of his shopkins stuff away. I wouldn't allow him to watch it or play any Shopkin games online. There would be no Shopkin stuff for his birthday.

I would expect a huge meltdown initially and a few difficult days. Beyond this I would expect a big improvement in his behaviour.

[SecretNutellaFix]

What attitude does his dad have about shopkins?

[Confusedandintrigued]

Does he play with them?

Or does he just WANT them?

[Angelicinnocent]

It's a shame dad is not on side as that does make it so much harder.

In regards to the shopkins, pp have suggested several ways of weaning him off them, maybe give them a try.

In regards to the tantrums, stick to smaller consequences that you can stick to. Instead of throwing them all away, tell him you will take them away for the weekend and he can have them back if he can behave. Then stick to it.

If he tries to physically attack you, hold him tight so he can't and say that he can not hit mummy. If he does hit mummy then you will take his shopkins away for a week. Ask him if he understands and don't let go until he says yes. When you let go, if he tries to hit or hurt you, go immediately and get his shopkins and put them away from him. Explain that he can have them back 1 week after and if he tries to hurt you again it will be a week from then.

If he keeps his hands to himself, thank him for doing as you asked. Then suggest a drink and he can go play etc.

Keep it small but be prepared to follow up with consequences every time.

[Bluesrunthegame]

You seem to be implying your son's behaviour has changed recently, are there some changes in his life or could there be something going on at school, maybe in the playground, that is bothering him? Do you know how things are at his dad's? Yes, his behaviour is horrible, but if it's new, something could be triggering it. Could you have a chat with his teacher and see if she/he can shed any light?

Good luck, you don't sound like a bad parent at all to me, just someone doing her best on her own.

[AntiopeofThemyscira]

My child has autism and to be honest what you describe is him to a tee. I see others have the same thoughts. I'd be visiting a GP if I were you OP.

[theduchessstill]

Thank you for that detailed advice Angel.

I should clarify that he didn't hit me for an hour- I kept taking him to his room and he kept trying to start again. Think Angel's way would have been better. Sorry, I wasn't clear and can now see why people thought I was sitting there letting him hit me.

[missymayhemsmum]

I'd be tempted to put all the shopkins in the bin as a consequence for his behaviour, and to refuse to buy any more. And to ban any that his father buys from the house as they are a crappy, boring waste of money. If you think they are bad for him, remove them.
But as other posters have said, he may be being put under peer pressure at school, or have something else going on. Have you asked him why he likes shopkins?
Hopefully this is a craze and will soon be over.
Obviously, any mum who doesn't instantly supply a worldbeating collection of whatever overpriced tat is the latest playground craze is going to be hated forever, (or for at least until teatime), as a matter of course, but this sounds like it's out of hand.

[MusicForTheJiltedGeneration]

I'm always bemused at parents buying their children what they think they should have rather than what the child actually wants. Do you do that for adults too? "Oh, Mum wants a nice scarf for her birthday so I'm buying her a pair of oven gloves"

He's not asking for a pet elephant or a Rolls Royce for his birthday, it's fucking Shopkins.

No idea how to deal with his behaviour tbh but a bit of consistency from you and ex-H, plus carrying out consequences may help.

[RoseTico]

I'm hesitant to say it, because I know people are accused of "crying autism" at every issue, but he sounds a lot like my oldest DS who has ASD - Liking things only younger children would usually like, the obsessive need to collect everything.

It sounds like you may be making his birthday an issue too? If he needs to behave well every day to get the gifts he's hoping for and he's agitated about that, he will get stressed quickly when he feels he can't measure up. I'd choose a different, more immediate punishment and leave his birthday out of it.

[StarryCorpulentCunt]

I'd have put him over my bloody knee to be quite honest. For every tantrum or shopkin related bad behaviour he would lose a shopkin. And I mean permanently. Straight in the bin. Like fuck would I be having that from an 8 year old. And he wouldn't be getting any more either. Ever. I would explain to him that that is a direct result of his behaviour regarding them. If he is ungrateful for his birthday presents then they would get taken away.

Angel's advice is good but is more appropriate for a 2 to 5 year old. At 8 years old he knows well and good that he shouldn't be carrying on like that.

[Didactylos]

Not sure what your birthday budget is but could you come up with a surprise birthday present that is cooler/better/directs his interest away from the plastic tat?
Something active? bike, scooter, even some interesting or imaginative experience like circus skills sessions? or assisting a zookeeper or something that might be so unusual and exciting he enjoys it more than his original ideas

I have an 8 year old DS, mostly good behaviour but can get obstinate and obsessive over the exact thing he NEEDS right now. Have spent a good few years pointing out the difference between needs and wants, and how you cant take up every craze. He gets a little pocket money if chores are done, so can save to buy tat things out of that; but I cant really encourage the continual drip drip of money on short lived enthusiasms stuff, so I try and direct him to more active present ideas and challange him rather than just adding to his lego collection.

[MusicForTheJiltedGeneration]

Actually, I do have an idea though I know lots of people are very 'sniffy' about it.

Instead of punishing the bad behaviour which will just cause him to be more angry and likely to lash out, reward the good behaviour. How about a reward charts using Shopkin stickers (if they exist, if not print out some pics and use those). That way he gets to 'indulge' his obsession by getting a Shopkin sticker every day his behaviour is acceptable to you. X amount of stickers in a week = a pack of Shopkins.