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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to be a mum anymore.

72 replies

YellowCushions · 30/06/2017 15:21

I don't enjoy it. It's hard work and DD never smiles. I think I make her unhappy. I try so hard but it doesn't seem enough. She deserves a mum who enjoys her.
I miss my job. My career was my identity and I resent OH getting to leave us for seven hours a day. I'm so sad this is how I feel because DD is beautiful and brings everyone so much joy. I just wish I was her auntie or something so didn't have all the responsibility.
I have no one to talk to. None of my friends have babies. My one mummy friend is very much a yummy mummy who seems to love every second of it and it all seems to come so naturally.
I'm sorry I just needed a rant. I'm so tired, bored and anxious. Sad

OP posts:
elelfrance · 30/06/2017 15:26

how old is your LO ?

Original poster
YellowCushions · 30/06/2017 15:27

She's 10 weeks. I was hoping things would get better once she wasn't a newborn anymore. Sad

OP posts:
alpacasandwich · 30/06/2017 15:27

OP could you be suffering from PND or depression?

alpacasandwich · 30/06/2017 15:28

Sorry, cross posted. This could be PND then Flowers

Please seek help and chat to us on here, this must be so tough for you.

leedy · 30/06/2017 15:29

You sound awfully like I did when I had postnatal depression with my eldest. I was anxious, miserable, felt like my child deserved a better mother. Once I got help/treatment it was like a grey cloud lifted and I was actually able to enjoy parenthood to the extent that I had another one (though I'm still not a big fan of the tiny baby stage).

Checkingusername · 30/06/2017 15:29

Yellow, I actually wrote a post like this VERY recently.

I feel as you do, every day I wake dreading the day.

My boy smiles but sometimes I wonder if there's a chance my mum loves him more than I do. I've had thoughts of wishing I was his auntie or maybe visiting him each day but leaving the responsibilities to someone else. It's bloody relentless.

witsender · 30/06/2017 15:29

10 weeks is still nigh on newborn in my eyes, go easy on yourself. Worse almost, as the novelty has worn off for others so you don't get the visitors and help. 😂

Ilovecoleslaw · 30/06/2017 15:29

You need to seek professional help OP, talk to your GP, they can help Flowers

nogrip · 30/06/2017 15:30

Umm she is still a newborn, give it time

AreWeThereYet000 · 30/06/2017 15:30

She is still a little baby, have you been checked for PND? I felt like this with my first and was diagnosed.

Even if not it honestly does get better, the older they get and the more independence they get the less you feel the responsibility or that's how I felt (I now have 2)

Babies also properly smile from 6 weeks onwards - it may be she's just not there yet with the smiling and not anything to do with yourself.

Are you planning to be a SAHM? Is there any chance you could go part time to feel like you still have your 'non mum' life? X

Smarshian · 30/06/2017 15:31

Oh cushions. How old is DD? Sounds like you're struggling a bit. Do you have anyone to talk to? It can be tough when they are little. Is it possible for you to have some "me" time once a week to feel like you are not just mum?
I'd also advise maybe speaking to your gp/he about how you're feeling. Could be PND in which case you can seek some help to get better. Big hugs. It's so tough.

Original poster
YellowCushions · 30/06/2017 15:31

I have had depression in the past.
When I got into my career I was so happy. I had been training for seven years and a lot of my depression was about not being "where" I wanted to be. Then I fell pregnant and I had to leave. I love DD but I feel like I've spent years trying to get my dream job and it lasted less than 6 months. I'm not a mummy person so I'm finding clubs and that hard. I'm just not that interested in talking about DD's eating ect let alone other people's babies! Blush

OP posts:
GooodMythicalMorning · 30/06/2017 15:31

That's tiny. It does get better I promise. Might be worth talking to your HV about how you are feeling x

RollingGreenMarble · 30/06/2017 15:32

Oh I know exactly how you feel. It's hard work with little thanks and its never ending. Except one day it will end.
It's taboo to talk about but many women feel like this, dads too im sure.

Although 10 weeks really is still a new born and its a particularly tough time. It gets easier as they get older I promise. Just make sure you don't beat yourself up for feeling like this and if you feel depressed in other ways get thee to a doctor.

Original poster
YellowCushions · 30/06/2017 15:32

Also and I am aware of how selfish this sounds, nobody wants to hear about me anymore. When ever anyone texts (family ect) it's just asking after DD Sad. I'm still a person. I'm still cushions. I'm not just mummy.

OP posts:
SprinklesandIcecream · 30/06/2017 15:33

OP, 10 weeks is still very much newborn. I found my DC hard work, tedious and struggled up until a year at least.

Speak to your GP and be assured it gets better. Flowers

Swizzlegiggle · 30/06/2017 15:34

How old is your DD?
You're not alone in how you feel. I really struggled to bond with my DD and didn't until she was around one. I remember how tough those early days were and looking at my friends who seemed to make parenting look easy and feeling an utter failure.
Things only really improved for me when I went back to work.
Looking back I probably had undiagnosed PND.
Please speak to your GP or HV who will be able to help and support you. If you do have PND it's really common and you shouldn't feel scared about seeking help.
Having a baby is a life changing thing but it does get better I promise.
Please don't carry on feeling the way you do there is support availableFlowers

LaurieMarlow · 30/06/2017 15:34

This is so, so normal, trust me. I've felt all those things. It sounds like your DD is still very small. The thing to remember is that motherhood torpedoes your life. It breaks you down completely, only to rebuild you as a completely new person. You're in that period of transition now and it can be absolutely brutal.

But once the transition is over and you become comfortable with your new identity, you'll start to enjoy the blessings. My DS has just turned three and he's the light of my life. Every single day I wish I could give up work to spend more time with him. And I used to be completely defined by my job as you are.

So rest assured it will get better. In the meantime, go to your GP for a chat about PND as you may be suffering from this. Get out of the house everyday, to baby groups/coffee shops/baby cinema is a godsend if you have one close. And make sure you take decent chunks off as time for yourself.

FooFighter99 · 30/06/2017 15:34

It's normal to feel like this in the beginning. It's something to do with your hormones I think but I felt exactly the same when DD(5) was born, totally regretted having her, felt I was doing shit job and was desperate to get back to work! Got myself all worked up over not being able to BF and used to sob to DH that I couldn't do it (even used to daydream about killing myself).

When DD was about 5 months old I eventually began to come out of the fog that I then realised was PND, and looking back, I wish I had spoken to my HV or GP for some help as I really missed out on her first few months by being depressed.

OP, please talk to someone about how you feel. Please tell your OH that you are finding things difficult, he can give you some support Flowers

PM me if you want

CheapAndCheerful100 · 30/06/2017 15:35

I know how your feeling OP. I was diagnosed with PND but things got easier when my DD grew. She's 7 now and I'm pretty happy again (her brother is two). I can remember thinking "what the fuck have I done? Why did I have this tiny human?"

It passes, I promise Flowers

SummerMummy88 · 30/06/2017 15:37

I think what your feeling is pretty normal with the hormone change, the lack of sleep, the life adjustment and the realisation of what is involved being a new mum not forgetting having your identity changed to just being 'baby's Mum' I would get checked out for PND but I honestly don't anybody who enjoyed being a Mum 100% of the time in the first few months. It will get easier once baby sleeps a little more. If you really want to go back to work, why don't you? X

welshweasel · 30/06/2017 15:43

It might be PND and I would definitely have a chat with your HV or GP just to check.

However, some people just don't enjoy looking after tiny babies. I hated it. I felt protective of DS but didn't feel any love for him until he was a few months old. He's 17 months old now and the love I feel for him is immense. I found looking after a newborn utterly relentless and dull as fuck. I was lucky to have a good NCT group and we went out and did stuff every day but just got no fulfilment from it.

I love my job and went back to work when DS was 4 months old and was so much happier. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone.

splendide · 30/06/2017 15:44

This was me, completely. You can find very similar posts I made with a baby. I utterly regretted the whole thing. It does improve massively.

All started getting a bit better around 6 months then massively better at about a year and now I am blissfully happy with my 2.5 year old.

AfraidOfMyShadow · 30/06/2017 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSleeperandTheSpindle · 30/06/2017 15:47

It's so hard when they are that tiny, they don't give much back so it just feels so relentless. It's a cliche but it does get better. I remember when my DS was about 15 weeks old and it seemed like all I did was feed him or try to get him to sleep. As my DH was about to leave for work one morning I just sobbed, big proper breathless sobs, and said that I'd never felt so lonely and miserable in my whole life. I then made a real effort to leave the house each day, even just to walk around the block, and start taking up my DM's offer to watch DS for a few hours.

Mums are made to feel like they need to be superhuman - look after DC, lose baby weight straight away and keep a tidy house, all with a smile! Truth is most of us are making it up as we go along and end the day saying "thank fuck that's over"

Look after yourself and definitely see your GP if you feel it's more than 'just' feeling down Flowers

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