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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to be a mum anymore.

72 replies

YellowCushions · 30/06/2017 15:21

I don't enjoy it. It's hard work and DD never smiles. I think I make her unhappy. I try so hard but it doesn't seem enough. She deserves a mum who enjoys her.
I miss my job. My career was my identity and I resent OH getting to leave us for seven hours a day. I'm so sad this is how I feel because DD is beautiful and brings everyone so much joy. I just wish I was her auntie or something so didn't have all the responsibility.
I have no one to talk to. None of my friends have babies. My one mummy friend is very much a yummy mummy who seems to love every second of it and it all seems to come so naturally.
I'm sorry I just needed a rant. I'm so tired, bored and anxious.

OP posts:

Babbitywabbit · 30/06/2017 18:12

I think the advice you've had about PND is really helpful. I'd just add that although sept is not too far off, you could always inform your employer you intend to return sooner. Don't feel guilt tripped by anyone making you feel you 'should' take a certain length maternity leave.

Although i didn't have PND I well remember that feeling of the relentlessness of being in sole charge of a young baby. At this age you're not getting a lot back either... it's hard because you meet up with friends and they'll be cooing over her because a young baby is a novelty, and then you're the one going home to the reality of the daily grind. I found it all much more rewarding when mine began toddling around and interacting more.

I returned to work 3 days a week when dd was 12 weeks; not a choice in my case, it was just the length of ML back in the day. Hard work physically but mentally I never looked back. It's not about work being more
Important - I knew dd came first every time and I knew I loved her beyond measure. But work can be a big and rewarding part of your life, particularly if you're in a career you've worked hard for, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to be back there

Babbitywabbit · 30/06/2017 18:22

And YY to playingsardines point about how society elevates motherhood as the ultimate fulfilling experience and answer to everything. I found being a mother wonderful, and my child was definitely the most important thing in my life, but she wasn't the only thing that mattered. You are still YOU, and your child won't thank you later if you allow your identity to become completely subsumed

MissionItsPossible · 30/06/2017 18:43

Aww OP I hope you feel better soon. Maybe see your GP about it?

Also why did you have to leave your job? Were you not covered by Maternity Leave?

MissionItsPossible · 30/06/2017 18:44

Oh oops just saw your message about going back in Sept.

Notonthestairs · 30/06/2017 18:48

I remember standing in the lift in Boots with my DS in his buggy. A woman got in with us and I must have looked dreadful because she patted my arm and said "It gets better at 12 weeks, how old is he?" "14 weeks..." Then thankfully I got the giggles - probably hysteria to be honest.
it does get easier and you will go back to work. It will work out but please do speak to your GP. i had PND with my second child and I dithered for months about telling my GP how I was feeling - it was such a relief when I did and he really helped me.

KimchiLaLa · 30/06/2017 18:49

But ten weeks is a newborn?

KimchiLaLa · 30/06/2017 18:51

Sorry pressed send too soon
Definitely talk to the visiting midwife, it sounds like you are doing your best and of course it is hard x

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 30/06/2017 19:04

I was there at the beginning too. It does get better.

FATEdestiny · 30/06/2017 19:04

splendide: This was me, completely. You can find very similar posts I made with a baby. I utterly regretted the whole thing. It does improve massively.

I remember your posts splendide

OP - becoming a parent the first time around is a learning curve like you will never have experienced before. Go easy on yourself and lower your expectations.

motherinferior · 30/06/2017 21:19

Another one signing in to say been there done that. In retrospect I had mild PND. I was so miserable.

That baby is now 16. And she is nice. She is so delightful. So is her 14 year old sister. They are gorgeous interesting teenagers.

This bit I can do. Not the bit when everyone says "enjoy it while it lasts" and "it goes so fast" and all the other sententious shite.

Branleuse · 30/06/2017 21:23

is there any chance you could put her in childcare and go back to work earlier?

April229 · 30/06/2017 21:31

OP - you will get your career back when you get back to work and find your feet again, where you are is just a big change is all. Get some PND support and try and get together with some work friends for a coffee. I found it really helpful to feel like is was still connected to what I had before.

When they are this age it feels like it's forever, but slowly things change and your back at work and feel more like your whole self again rather than just a mum. You're doing amazing to hold things together you feel like this, don't feel bad, speak to GP and don't hold back on how you feel x

Scrowy · 30/06/2017 21:34

I have a 20 something week old. I've lost track exactly.

They don't smile reliably until about 3.5 - 4 months old so don't take that to heart at all. I know how you feel. I'm just willing DD to grow up quickly, my mum confided with me that she felt exactly the same. I love her but I'm a very solitary person and I find it difficult being so needed and so tied.

It's ok to not enjoy this bit. Honestly. It doesn't make you a bad mum, it just makes you someone who doesn't find the newborn months 'magical'. Lots of people don't. Get yourself out to playgroups etc. They are also generally shit but you usually get a cup of tea made for you and you the mums with older children will occassionally offer to hold the baby

redcaryellowcar · 30/06/2017 22:09

Please talk to your gp or health visitor. They will help and support you. In the interim, I wish people had been a bit more honest about how exhausting and all consuming parenting is. I found it hard. Previously I had managed to hold down a tricky job working with odd and difficult people all sorts of long and strange hours, I thought foolishly I was well prepared. It's totally different to anything you might expect, give yourself time to adjust. Do you have any baby groups nearby, you might need to try a few, before you find one that suits you? I found one in a church hall, run by granny aged ladies, who were lovely, a few little activities, cups of tea and biscuits for the mummies, they admired your babies, were kind to you, remembered your name, did a little sing song. Was just about perfect for a Monday morning. In all honesty you need to make some mummy friendS, they don't have to become your best mates, just people who you can meet up with a baby groups and say hello to in the supermarket. If you really like them meet for a cup of tea and a walk. Talking of walking, try to go out at least once a day, I found around 5pm this time of year was lovely, cooking down, but enough evening left to use a bit more of the day? A bit of fresh air will do you both good. Some areas have buggy fit, you might enjoy that too??

missymayhemsmum · 30/06/2017 22:11

When you feel trapped and overwhelmed, try to remember that this new baby bit is actually quite brief. In fact your maternity leave is quite brief. You're exhausted, hormonal, all at sea and learning the most demanding new job in the world. Compared to the endurance challenge that is being a new mum those blokes who climb mountains and run marathons have done nothing, been nowhere. It's a slog, and you're hitting the wall. Talk to your OH, tell him how you feel. Go out and do fun, non-mummy things. Babies at 10 weeks old are quite portable. Go out and have adventures, go to galleries, go and meet your non-mummy friends, take yourself to festivals, whatever floats your boat, with baby in tow. Or park her with a grandparent and go to bed for an afternoon. Whatever you need.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/06/2017 22:19

19 weeks is nothing

I was so lonely after DC1 too

It's not the mummy it's the unfamiliarity , the loneliness and the lack of peer group

Looking back I wish I had put them in a sling and braved a few days out on my own

Where are you ?

It's will get easier as the older they get you go back to work and through nursery etc they make friends . And as time progresses you will
Meet people

Hang tight

Effic · 30/06/2017 22:38

Me too. I seriously thought/fantasied about running away and leaving DS.
Go back to work! There is lots of nonsense written about 'abandoning babies' when mums decide this but it is nonsense. I went back after 8 weeks as I was literally going out of my mind with boredom and frustration. Formula feeding usually (not always before someone jumps on me) means a longer sleep so you can feed late evening (11am) and hopefully get till 4/5ish. Quick second feed and you might get lucky like I did and get another 90 mins. Still tiring but not impossible to work on.
My gorgeous lovely DS is 14 and a delight. I enjoyed him more after about 18 months but loved loved loved being a mum after about ages 3.5 ..... some people adore the baby phase - others not so much!

Original poster

YellowCushions · 30/06/2017 22:51

Thank you all.
I can't return to work any sooner as I am a teacher. Also annoyingly the baby clubs around here are all term time only so none run in the summer.
Had a lovely cuddle with DD this evening. She is gorgeous and I utterly adore her. Just wish it could be different. I think I was expecting a doll? Just a lovely little poppet that I could put down and get on with other things 🙈

OP posts:

TenForward82 · 30/06/2017 23:25

I get you totally, cushions. I have PND and it's taken me over a year to start feeling normal and enjoy my DD. I agree you should see your GP. You can call PANDAS or APNI and pour your heart out. Where in the world are you? There's a an app called MUSH where you can meet local mums if (like me) you find groups intimidating x

Brown76 · 30/06/2017 23:27

It can be isolating and frustrating being on your own with a baby. I've always felt that it's much more fun being around other adults whilst looking after kids, and ideally with other children in the mix too. I always enjoyed the days the most when my mum or a friend was hanging out with us (me and the baby) having cups of tea, chatting etc, it didn't feel like a chore but it wasn't exactly having help, it was that it felt more natural for looking after kids to be a social group activity than a solo one. Even now a day on my own with my 3 year old can feel much harder to me than a day with him and a friend with a child the same age. I suppose what I'm saying is that it's not you, but that in modern British culture a lot of us are parenting alone and it can be a lot more fun as a social activity.

PandoraMole · 30/06/2017 23:44

I can empathise with so many of the comments on this thread.

I felt I was in auto pilot for the first few months with my very much wanted DD, and actually 10 weeks in is bloody hard! You feel like you should be getting the hang of it but tiny babies change so fast it's impossible to keep up, plus you're knackered and it feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. DD was 18 weeks when I returned to work p/t and it was a massive relief tbh. She's now almost 13 and we couldn't be closer.

I read After Birth when she was about 3 months old and it was hugely helpful.

You will get there

LunaLunaDot · 01/07/2017 00:07

My DP and I talked about it recently and both admitted it was really a fucking awful time. Our DD's 19 months now and it's so so much better. Do what you need to do to survive, and you'll soon be through the worst.

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