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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry boyfriend hasnt paid enough to ex? Does this arrangement seem fair?

82 replies

Sancerresanwine · 30/06/2017 09:23

I have been with new boyfriend and he seems very lovely, with a really good Co parenting relationship with his ex. It was a mutual split and he left the family Home and rents a place nearby.

I was under the impression he pays 900 pounds per month on top of the mortgage as his ex is mainly a sahm with a bit of woth. Last night we talked about the specifics and it emerged that he paid the full mortgage of the house and then 500 extra. I was a bit horrified as running a home with bills is surely about that, let alone petrol and living costs. She got a part tine job around the kids and now has a new partner and all seems OK but I felt she must have really struggled, and that concerned me. Bf is clearly a high earner. Is this a fair situation in others experience? I can't get my head round it for some reason and worry that he has not been as generous as he could have been.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sancerresanwine · 30/06/2017 09:24

Sorry that should read, he continues to pay the full mortgage

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 30/06/2017 09:26

Seems fair to me - he is paying for a roof over his child's head and a decent contribution to the living costs associated with raising a child.

I don't see why you are too concerned.

SquinkiesRule · 30/06/2017 09:26

I don't see why he is paying the mortgage, shouldn't he just use the calculators and pay her a set amount each month.
Sounds like a nice deal for her, no rent and 500 to cover the childrens food and bills, plus her job for the rest. Chances are she gets some child benefit and tax credits too.

WateryTart · 30/06/2017 09:29

I think he may be paying too much if she has a new partner living there. Advise him to look at what he would have to pay legally then take it from there.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 30/06/2017 09:35

It sounds like he pays quite a lot. £500 on top of the full mortgage (£400 from your figure of 900?). Of course it depends on a number of factors, but you've said nothing that suggests either he or she is unhappy with the arrangement, so why are you worried?

InDubiousBattle · 30/06/2017 09:38

If he's a new boyfriend then it's really none of your business. Sorry!

StinkPickle · 30/06/2017 09:41

He sounds very generous. Remember that the money is solely towards the costs for the child. So paying the full mortgage plus £500 for the child's share of the food/electric/heating oil sounds more than generous.

The child has two parents so the mother is responsible for half the costs too. She's not even having to pay half the mortgage!

Brandnewstart · 30/06/2017 09:43

I get £250 a month for two children and not a penny towards my mortgage! Ex is obviously a lower earner. It obviously depends on your boyfriend's earnings but hasn't really got anything to do with you if they are happy with the arrangement.

mygorgeousmilo · 30/06/2017 09:45

I think it's fair, unless he left/break up was his own choice in some way and he's on something like 10k take home pay a month! Just as a variation though, a friend of mine has mortgage paid by EXH and £1k maintenance for the 1 child per month. Really it just depends on each circumstance to know if it's fair or not. For pp saying it's none of OPs concern, I think it really is, and who could stand by while their new partner treats their ex like crap and/or doesn't support their kid?! I remember in my late teens I started seeing an older guy that had an ex and a child. I never was concerned about her at all, but it was only after a few years when we broke up that I was told he'd never given her a penny and had left her destitute trying to raise the child alone. He always went on to me about how much he loved his kid but only when I looked back did I realise he actually never really had her, apart from the occasional fun trip. I honestly felt so ashamed thinking that we'd been living it up and out every night partying while his ex wife and kid were struggling to get by. I have a really good relationship with his DD now, she's an adult. There's only a vaguely distant, but friendly enough relationship now with him.

Cakedoesntjudge · 30/06/2017 09:47

It depends on what he earns as to what he's legally required to pay but that sounds far more generous than the majority of arrangements I know of - for context, exdp works full time and is paid (roughly, I'm making an educated guess here) a salary between 23-26k and pays me just over £180 every month. That's the legal amount he is required to do so.

Of course, the legal requirement is often called the bare minimum and some people choose to pay more than that.

But, honestly, that sounds more than reasonable to me. As others have said, she'll probably be in receipt of some benefits which tops it up as well.

LDN17 · 30/06/2017 09:48

I'm not sure why you're so concerned. He's paying a fantastic amount if he's paying the mortgage plus £500. If he was paying like £50 then yes you could question if that's enough, but even then it's not really your problem especially if you're a newish girlfriend.

newnamechange84 · 30/06/2017 09:48

I get £120 a month for two children, this is more than fair!

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 30/06/2017 09:49

It's great that he pays more than the minimum (which is frankly insultingly low and usually nowhere close to half the costs of raising a child).

Are they divorced? It may be that they have an agreement re the house that she can live there till the youngest DC is 18 and it will then be sold and the proceeds split.

sonjadog · 30/06/2017 09:49

It sounds okay to me. But really, it is between them. It isn´t something that you need to get involved in.

Birdsgottaf1y · 30/06/2017 09:51

How many children do they have?

If three, then it's about £40 a week per child.

If he's a high earner and the children are used to expensive hobbies, then I see your point.

He is maintaining them just above benefit levels.

I would take note of how he treats them and speaks about her.

""If he's a new boyfriend then it's really none of your business""

How someone treats and speaks about their ex should be a red flag.

Allthebestnamesareused · 30/06/2017 09:52

Also he may still have a beneficial interest in the property - that is why it is in his interest to ensure the mortgage is paid. It is quite possible that his ExW will need to rehouse herself when their children reach 18.

I think however it is very refreshing to find a current gf worrying that the ex isn't being paid enough unless you are working out what you might be able to take him for in the future

CaptainHarville · 30/06/2017 09:52

It's going to be impossible for us to judge. He's a high earner but for some that would be £40k for others it's £80k for others it's much more. For me it would be about living a similar lifestyle. I'd not be impressed if he's buying designer clothes and the child is kitted out in stuff from primark.

daisychainagain · 30/06/2017 09:53

I get £21 a week each for my 2 dc. Your new dp sounds like a dream.

PinkCosmo · 30/06/2017 09:53

It depends what they've agreed to do with the house when it's sold! Obviously if he gets 65% then paying the full mortgage is obviously in his interests more than hers although she is ''under the roof'' with their kids. If you have a roof over your heads, 500 a month isn't a fortune but it'd pay for shopping and bills in my household. And some stuff for the kids but not all.

Sunnyshores · 30/06/2017 09:54

If theyre on good terms still, presumably she's fairly happy with the arrangement, so I would keep out of it. Also Id be incredibly happy that this is the case and be quite proud that your bf seems to have a responsible, mature attitude to his ex and Dc

sonjadog · 30/06/2017 09:54

Tbh, it would also be a big red flag to me if a new partner was having strong opinions about how I organized my finances.

Welshmaenad · 30/06/2017 09:54

He sounds pretty generous. And I actually think it's nice you care. My ex pays nothing despite working and his girlfriend thinks that's absolutely dandy. I'd have no respect for my DP if he didn't pay for his kids-as it happens he pays half of all costs and has 50/50 residency.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 30/06/2017 09:55

Is this one of the posts where you are trying to get people to say he's paying too much?

harderandharder2breathe · 30/06/2017 09:57

OP said he's a high earner. Presumably the ex and child are in a house that reflects his income as it was previously the family home. Her being mostly SAHP enabled him to go out and be a high earner. It will also impact her ability to now get a job. So I think it's fair that he pays the mortgage and a significant contribution to costs while there's a dependent child/children involved.

If he's paying her £500 and has thousands a month spare to do with as he pleases, that's a bit mean. If he pays her £500 and struggles to pay his own bills then it's too much.

It's technically none of OPs business but far better than some of the people on here who post wanting their new partners to reduce payments for their child from previous relationships! And it says something about a person whether they are generous to their ex for their child. I wouldn't want to be with someone who has thousands to spare each month while their ex struggled financially to raise their child.

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/06/2017 09:58

He's paying the full mortgage and 900 a month and you're worried he's not generous enough?

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