AIBU?
To be fed up of being left out
littleme2017 · 29/06/2017 19:33
I have two friends , lets call them T and C. We have been good friends since childhood.
As expected, we have all got our own lives now and are busy with our own things but have made a pretty decent effort to stay in touch especially after one of the girls mums died suddenly a few years ago.
Anyhow it was mentioned by C few months ago that we might arrange for a night out end of June. I said 'great, I'd be up for it. Let me know'. C said that she would need to speak to T re a date but would get back to me.
Both T and C have been in contact with me last few weeks about stuff unrelated to night out. Heard nothing about night out, assumed it didn't suit and didn't want either to them to feel obligated so didn't mention it.
Typically T only contacts me when she wants something, C is a bit better at keeping in contact. They both know I've had a bit of tough time over the past wee while (relationship breakdown, injured foot, sick family member - all good now) and was looking forward to a night.
Cue tonight, have seen both of them 'checked into' the pub on Facebook. They've clearly gone on ahead without me. This happened last time too and when I mentioned it (in a jokey sorta way) I got told 'You are more than welcome on the next one' and now this...
I appreciate it's a bit of a trivial thing to be fuming about but I am. Torn between taking the moral high ground and saying nothing, saying something or just deleting and blocking...
Any advice or views would be greatly appreciated.
Jinglebells99 · 29/06/2017 19:44
Oh I'm sorry to hear you are feeling left out. Would it be possible to see either them on their own instead? Sometimes. I find threesomes difficult. I have a couple of friends that I see separately usually for walks and coffee, but find if the three of us go together, even though they are both more friends of mine rather than each other, I find if we go out as a three, I end up being left out, of the walk and the conversation, i.e. They end up two abreast, and I'm in front. And if I mention it, they say oh we knew you'd be like that, it's only because we walk slower, etc. I prefer now to see them individually to be honest. Also, with the pub thing, maybe they have bumped into each other and arranged something in the spur of the moment.
Chloe84 · 29/06/2017 19:52
I would speak to C (keep it all light) and say you were hurt that they went out without you, even after you had told them that you would love to join.
Tell them if they prefer to go out without you, that's fine, but could they please not allow you to think you would be invited, only to find out they have arranged to go out without you.
Honestly, you have to be direct (in a calm, non-confrontational way), otherwise this stuff will just fester in you until one day you decide to block them on your phone/FB.
CoraPirbright · 29/06/2017 19:59
Oh I am sorry. That sucks. I think I would do a colossally passive aggressive "have fun guys" and then block them.
(Quick question for you Fb aficionados - if you block someone, do they know they are blocked? I would want these two to know they're blocked).
littleme2017 · 29/06/2017 20:14
Keira - not the local, it's a pub in town.
Really torn between 'have fun guys' and I am hurt message. Think I have to say something though...if the latter will leave it to the morning.
Cora - People don't get a notification to say they are blocked as such, it's just like you have disappeared from Facebook or deleted your profile or something. They just won't be able to find me...
DancesWithOtters · 29/06/2017 20:43
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
littleme2017 · 29/06/2017 20:51
Just left a passive aggressive "have fun guys"...couldn't help it.
Seriously I'm generally a nice person but if you annoy me, I'll hold a grudge.
Just seems funny how when we were kids, C and T used to fight with eachother and I was the peacemaker. Now the tables have turned.
Facebook has its uses but I really hate it sometimes..
Achoopichu · 29/06/2017 20:57
TBH I'd not initiate contact again. Yes it can be desperately sad but if they don't contact you you've lost them anyway
Give them some distance and they might realise they miss you. If not, their loss.
It can be desperately upsetting, but nonuse clinging on to something not real
I've been there
. But sometimes best to move on
TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 29/06/2017 21:02
I am still close with two friends from school, and they do far more together than I do with either (or both). Ultimately I made the decision to just accept that they (and their partners) simply get along better than they do with me. It sucks, sometimes, but I like them both, and it saves me getting upset (most of the time).
If you want to maintain a friendship with both T and C, you may find you have to accept they do stuff without you sometimes. But you're not BU.
DancesWithOtters · 29/06/2017 21:05
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
NataliaOsipova · 29/06/2017 21:19
Honestly? This could well just be down to the problem with Facebook. Is C a big Facebooker? Here's what we had for Sunday lunch/#soproud that little Charlie has passed his grade 1 flute sort of person? If so, remember what you see is.... well, what you see. You see no context behind it.
If I'm right, then I have a friend like C. Everything goes on FB. I was having a coffee with a mutual friend a while ago (let's call her D), when C came into the cafe. We all had a chat and got talking about an event that I was taking my DDs to and D had decided she would like to come along. C said she'd really like to do that, so I said I'd book some tickets for her as well. Completely spur of the moment, because we'd bumped into her.
Later that night ? A FB post "So lovely to catch up with Natalia and D today". And when we all went to the event discussed above a couple of weeks later, several photos appeared on FB with the caption "Super day out with Natalia, Natalia's DDs, D and D's DDs". Nothing controversial there, you might think. I didn't either, until I heard from D that at least two other of our mutual friends had been really upset that we hadn't invited them on this big day out we'd planned.....
.....except it wasn't like that. I was going somewhere, D said she'd like to come....and, on the spur of the moment, we met C, who said she'd like to come as well. We hadn't organised something and deliberately excluded the wider group....but that was probably what it looked like.
I'd be hurt in your shoes too, OP. It's a human reaction. But don't discount the fact that C and T bumped into each other in, say, the post office and made a quick, casual arrangement. It wasn't necessarily a big deal from which you've been deliberately excluded. Facebook shows no context and has no filter...
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