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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanking!! Aibu?

77 replies

HiThereMandee · 29/06/2017 14:03

Ok, I've been seeing my bf for about a year now and at the weekend he stayed over for the first time. I have 2 dc, both early teens, hence why I waited so long.

So we discussed sex before hand and I said I wouldn't feel comfortable, the walls are paper thin and they could walk in any time, and bf agreed.

Any way, after a couple of glasses of wine we went to bed and as I was dropping off to sleep I realised he was wanking! I was so shocked I didn't know what to do so I pretended to be asleep. After a couple of minutes he got fed up and whispered "are you awake?" I ignored him so he whispered quite loudly, right in my ear, "are you awake?" I jumped up saying what's wrong but he just said nothing and lay down. For the next hour or so he kept sighing loudly and was very restless.

I don't know what to do. I'm gobsmacked that he thought that was ok especially after we discussed it. I don't know whether to say something as the chances are he'll deny it. Am I over reacting though?

Help anyone?

OP posts:
DopeyDazy · 29/06/2017 14:06

Has he been watching Due Date m.imdb.com/title/tt1231583/

EssieTregowan · 29/06/2017 14:13

I dont get it.

You've been together a year? Was he wanking because he thought you'd be up for sex, or joining in? Or having a wank because you'd said no sex?

Why did you jump up when he whispered?

It all seems a bit over the top. Is communication generally an issue between you?

GreenGoblin0 · 29/06/2017 14:14

would your teenage children really walk into your bedroom at anytime when you have a boyfriend in there ?

JennyOnAPlate · 29/06/2017 14:17

Do I have to stop having sex when my children are teenagers? Confused

NotTheFordType · 29/06/2017 14:19

Why bother having him stay over if sex was off the table? Jesus there's no way I'm sharing my comfy bed if I'm not getting orgasms out of it!

Blossomflowers · 29/06/2017 14:21

Jeez poor guy. OP you sound like sex is some disgusting act. Why on earth would teenagers just wander in your bedroom.btw You ABU totally

Original poster
HiThereMandee · 29/06/2017 14:24

Oh god am I? I know I have past issues which is why I wanted advice. Thank God for MN! Thanks people, I'm glad I didn't go in all guns blazing now!

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 29/06/2017 14:24

So you have been seeing eachother a year and you still want to act as if he has no business being there in that he can't be seen or heard?

Obviously no one has to have sex if they don't want to but your kids shouldn't just be barging into your room and do you never plan on having sex?

You sound like your making excuses tbh if you don't want sex fine but be honest with him

WingsofNylon · 29/06/2017 14:26

I would be a bit surprised. Wouldn't like the thought that he couldn't manage one night without touching himself. Then asking you after you had discussed it was off the table.

SeagullsStoleMyChurro · 29/06/2017 14:29

I think it's quite grim of him. You'd already told him sex was off the table.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 29/06/2017 14:29

I'm all for sexual freedom, have no issue with porn or wanking. But there's something about wanking in the presence of someone else, without them being involved or told that makes me uncomfortable. And waking you up for sex (even though you were already awake) isn't really on. I think you certainly have a right to be a bit annoyed, but it's your house, if you want to have sex with your dp in it, don't let the DC stop you! 😊

PinkHeart5911 · 29/06/2017 14:31

Surely teenage children don't walk in to your room that often, I mean they aren't 3! And you wouldn't need to scream the house down during sex so I see no need to not have sex becuase children are in the house. Sex is natural anyway, nothing wrong in doing it.

He should of had a wank in th bathroom I guess.

You need to talk to him really, if you can't communicate no point in the relationship continuing.

Figaro2017 · 29/06/2017 14:36

Has everyone lost the art of stuffing a pillow behind the headboard and biting the duvet during orgasm?

WhyShouldYou · 29/06/2017 14:36

He sounds a bit creepy to me. What else does he get up to?

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 29/06/2017 14:37

Erm regardless of the no sex issue, having a wank next to you whilst he thinks you're asleep is not on! How far would he have gone exactly? If you hadn't of "woken up" I mean.. I had a guy do this to me and then cum over my side whilst I was asleep. It's degrading and upsetting.

BreconBeBuggered · 29/06/2017 14:39

Time, perhaps, to start to enforce the practice of nobody barging into anyone else's bedroom without knocking and waiting for a response.
I don't think it's about the guy not being able to stop 'touching himself' for one night - if I understand correctly, there has been no sexual contact under the OP's roof for a year.

Assuming you want to, can you practise having sex very quietly elsewhere, till you have it down to a fine art, OP? Abstinence seems a bit rough to me, especially this soon in a relationship. Teenagers can certainly put you off your stroke, but we learn to adapt. Perhaps that's what your BF thought he was doing.

MrsOverTheRoad · 29/06/2017 14:40

Your teens need to know they can't just walk in! That's not on.

But he's a bit grim wanking in the hope of catching your attention.

And you're a bit uptight for pretending not to notice!

It doesn't sound like you're ready for a relationship or...it might be that he's not the right person.

Datun · 29/06/2017 14:40

I can totally understand you not wanting sex with your children in the house. It's different if you've been together years, and you can shush each other, stop if you think they're on the landing and generally be comfortable with the whole scenario of keeping it down.

That's little harder if you're not used to it.

And yes, he probably was turned on by being in the same bed. But I would suggest having a wank in the bathroom was better than doing it with you lying there. I too would feel a little uncomfortable.

That and the determination to wake you up, despite agreeing to no sex.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing though. I would explain again.

It's tricky. Because it's not a scenario where you would feel comfortable swinging off the chandeliers. So communicating that sex might be ok, but only if he's aware of any possible constrictions is necessary.

I wouldn't bother mentioning the wank. Otherwise he will start the discussion on the back foot. You can just start the discussion again.

Branleuse · 29/06/2017 14:42

I dont understand why having teenagers means you cant have sex. Of course you have to be quieter, but still, surely they will know not to walk in?

That said, if you dont want to have sex, thats up to you. You dont need to be wierd with him for getting horny though

deckoff · 29/06/2017 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WomblingThree · 29/06/2017 14:44

Fuck's sake, if she doesn't want him wanking in her bed, she doesn't have to have him wanking in her bed. Have we really got nowhere over the last god knows how many years?

No means no. It doesn't mean "oh poor little man, fancy expecting him to abstain for one whole night".

WomblingThree · 29/06/2017 14:45

And why can't her teens just walk in? It's their house as well, and if the OP has always had an open door policy till now, that's her bloody business.

deckoff · 29/06/2017 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ems137 · 29/06/2017 14:48

It's the wanking in bed next to someone without their knowledge or participation that I always find weird in threads like this. I'd find it really odd if DH did this and would also feel massively uncomfortable

Datun · 29/06/2017 14:49

Also I've lived in paper-thin places before, it's not about "walking in" it's about hearing whispered moans and groans no matter what.

Yeah. It's a bit of a passion killer.

But unless you want no sex at all, you have to just work on making him understand that sometimes one has to employ little stealth.

As you haven't had to do that up until now, it is tricky.

Worth it though.