Wanking!! Aibu?

[HiThereMandee]

Ok, I've been seeing my bf for about a year now and at the weekend he stayed over for the first time. I have 2 dc, both early teens, hence why I waited so long.

So we discussed sex before hand and I said I wouldn't feel comfortable, the walls are paper thin and they could walk in any time, and bf agreed.

Any way, after a couple of glasses of wine we went to bed and as I was dropping off to sleep I realised he was wanking! I was so shocked I didn't know what to do so I pretended to be asleep. After a couple of minutes he got fed up and whispered "are you awake?" I ignored him so he whispered quite loudly, right in my ear, "are you awake?" I jumped up saying what's wrong but he just said nothing and lay down. For the next hour or so he kept sighing loudly and was very restless.

I don't know what to do. I'm gobsmacked that he thought that was ok especially after we discussed it. I don't know whether to say something as the chances are he'll deny it. Am I over reacting though?

Help anyone?

[Neutrogena]

@BlahBlahBlahEtc

Other people may have found that erotic. Did he do it again, or just the once?

[Notknownatthisaddress]

Weird IMO. Nothing wrong with having a tug, but not with someone else in the bed, or even in the room. Odd.

I had a boyfriend once (didn't last long!) who wanted me to do mySELF while he watched (and wanked.)

Even typing that makes me cringe.

I didn't see him for much longer after that.

[bogofeternalstench]

I do that too Notknown.

Am I some kind of sexual deviant and I never realised? I always thought I was kind of dull...

[PetalsOnPearls]

I am a bit "ewwwwwww" over this.

The reason why is that the OP made it clear that there would be no sex, and he agreed this beforehand. It seems like he was trying to push the OP out of previously-agreed boundaries. I also feel a little bit icky at the thought of having someone in bed with me, wanking next to me, without very clear signs from me, or involvement from me, that I was interested in that kind of behaviour.

But mostly the breaking of pre-agreed boundaries. That's quite grim.

[ExConstance]

DH and I certainly didn't give up moderately noisy sex when our sons were at home, they curtail your leisure activities in other ways, with needing lifts to parties and work enough of a sacrifice.

[Notknownatthisaddress]

Am "I some kind of sexual deviant?"

No. Course not. But it wasn't for me. Especially as I had only known him about 2 months.

[Sallystyle]

I would hate for my husband to wank in bed while I'm asleep.

I would have a lot to say about that.

I agree with it being odd that you won't have sex with him because you have teens though.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

Trying to wake you up for sex, and then huffing and puffing over not getting it, like Kevin the teenager, is a terrible look.

That would well put me off a bloke.

[ElusiveDuck]

I don't see the issue. I have a wank in the same room as DP.

[ElusiveDuck]

I mean... if he knew you weren't OK with him wanking then it's an issue. Tell him you aren't OK with it for future reference.

[Sallystyle]

Actually OP. I take it back.

It isn't odd to not want to have sex with him the first time he slept over because of the children. Thinking about it a few seconds longer it seems like you have been great at thinking about how a new relationship could impact your children and you wanted them to get used to the idea of having a man over for the first time without them accidentally hearing you have sex on top of that.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

The wanking is really the least of the issues here...

[Sallystyle]

I don't see the issue. I have a wank in the same room as DP.

Good for you?

I would never masturbate in front of a new partner while they were sleeping without making sure they were ok with it first.

[BeyondDrinksAndKnowsThings]

I don't see a problem with anyone, male or female, wanking in bed while their partner sleeps. Probably less acceptable in a bed that is not jointly owned, but I've still done that as it honestly didn't occur to me. If it were a deal breaker for me, I'd probably point it out beforehand, however I can see some think it's something beyond pointing out - obviously you wouldn't point out everything that you don't find acceptable!!

I do think though that the "are you awake" and the huffing and puffing were unacceptable.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

I really hope the OP hasn't taken the first few responses to this thread as gospel, and then ditched the thread.

The sensible replies are the more recent ones.

What U2 said.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

u2
How exactly would that conversation go?

Hey, mind if I have a quick release when you sleep?

I think it is one of them where people have different boundaries. Wouldn't bother me somebody wanking next to me. It would the huffing and signing because he's just trying too guilt you. You get to decide where your boundary is.

[ElusiveDuck]

U2

Sorry, I wasn't aware it was abnormal to do so. I don't think the wank is that big of a deal. The issue is more the grumbling and signing and basically sulking about not getting any when it was pre-agreed. I agree he would have been better doing it in the bathroom... He probably figured if she was asleep, and he wasn't touching her or doing anything to her, that he wasn't doing anything wrong.

So, one part him being a massive twat, and one part miscommunication.

[Gemini69]

kick him to the Kerb.. he disrespected your previous conversation about thin walls... what a selfish creep his is... it's clearly all about him huh x

[Figaro2017]

I'm not sure how a male hopes to get away with a surreptitious wank. Unless well prepared, how is he going to explain away the crusty sheets in the morning?

I think in this case its more of hoping she will relent. If it was clear that sex wasn't on the menu right from the outset then he is in the wrong.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

If a man tried to initiate sex by wanking, sighing and jerking about in the bed I'd find it a complete turn off.
I hope that isn't his style.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

wombling

Whether they were having orgies up til this point or hadn't been sleeping together at all it really doesn't matter.

The way op speaks is as if it was a huge big deal him staying over yet had already put massive obstacles in the way of the relationship progressing to staying over and having sex whether that was tonight or another years time.

I absolutely think that the amount of thinking she has done about it isnt necessarily a bad thing.

BUT as it was clearly a huge deal they waited a year and she discussed the walls I so think that it's a little strange that the boundaries and all the things they were uncomfortable with hasn't been discussed befire. Of wanking is only permitted on a Thursday morning in the bathroom in a full moon then she should have said.

And of course he should have asked too they should both be trying to make eachother feel comfortable with the arrangement at the moment they seem to be setting eachother up to fail

[Sallystyle]

It could go like that Kung

But you are right, it isn't very likely to happen that way. OP definitely needs that conversation now though.

For me, it would just be something I wouldn't dream of doing unless I knew my partner was ok with it and I would have hold off the first time I wanted to do it then asked him his views so I know for next time.

The grumbling etc is the biggest problem as you said.

[OverthinkingSpartacus]

If he just wanked without bothering the OP that would be one thing, he didn't do that though, He wasn't trying to have a quick solo wank though was he, he kept trying to involve the OP, and then got arsey when OP Didn't want sex.

Having a wank, fine, trying to involve someone who has said no, not fine. Getting annoyed when it's still a no, not fine.

Him having a wank isn't the issue here in my opinion, it's him getting arsey with OP fir sticking to her boundaries. If he is doing this on the first night he stayed over, the first night he's been told no, when he's on his best behaviour so to speak, then it doesn't look good.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Your reasons for not wanting sex with him aren't really relevant to the issue here. You had discussed with him his staying over and that you didn't want sex. I would find the wanking on the first night he stayed over to be Fairly rude, though I don't have a blanket dislike of it, I don't think it's not the sort of thing you should do in someone else's bed when they're there without knowing what their attitude to it is, especially when it's just one night. If you lived together and it was his bed too, if he'd be in the same position every night, if he washed the sheets too, if he'd asked you if you mind etc. then I think that's different. But just as you don't help yourself to whatever is in the fridge the first time you go to someone else's house for dinner, I don't think wanking in the bed when your partner has said no sex the first night you stay over shows much concern for your partner and what their boundaries might be. The waking you up and sighing loudly over the no sex is juvenile behaviour and would really put me off him.

If you haven't had him stay before would I be right in thinking that you pretty much have sex every time you're in bed together? He sounds like he was expecting sex despite you having told him you didn't want it and that his attitude to sex is somewhat entitled. I think you may need a very frank conversation, despite a year with him, it may be there's a bit to him here you don't know very well at all.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

The outrage you feel StrangeLookingParasite proves my point though. No means no right, so does that only apply to PIV or everything else as well. The OP didn't want any sexual activity. He wanked and then huffed and puffed and tried to guilt trip her into sex. Posters suggested that he can't be expected to go a night without sex and that the OP is weird. This is the kind of attitude that contributes to a rape culture.

Goalposts moved, all kinds of ideas all concatenated together, you make no sense at all.