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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanking!! Aibu?

77 replies

HiThereMandee · 29/06/2017 14:03

Ok, I've been seeing my bf for about a year now and at the weekend he stayed over for the first time. I have 2 dc, both early teens, hence why I waited so long.

So we discussed sex before hand and I said I wouldn't feel comfortable, the walls are paper thin and they could walk in any time, and bf agreed.

Any way, after a couple of glasses of wine we went to bed and as I was dropping off to sleep I realised he was wanking! I was so shocked I didn't know what to do so I pretended to be asleep. After a couple of minutes he got fed up and whispered "are you awake?" I ignored him so he whispered quite loudly, right in my ear, "are you awake?" I jumped up saying what's wrong but he just said nothing and lay down. For the next hour or so he kept sighing loudly and was very restless.

I don't know what to do. I'm gobsmacked that he thought that was ok especially after we discussed it. I don't know whether to say something as the chances are he'll deny it. Am I over reacting though?

Help anyone?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 29/06/2017 14:50

wombling

It's of course not unreasonable to not want him wanking next to ger. Some people woukd be ok with that some not.

What seems strange however is that after a whole year neither is aware of eachothers boundaries or seem to have the ability to communicate at all.

Which perhaps means one or both aren't ready for the relationship which of course is fine however hiding behind things that just aren't going to change ( unless they buy a place together with thicker walls) And ergo mean that the relationship is quite possibly going to go nowhere because of these reasons just seems a bit strange

Datun · 29/06/2017 14:50

ems137

I agree with that. You can't help getting turned on, you can help where you have a wank.

TheSeaTheSkyTheSeaTheSkyyyyyy · 29/06/2017 14:55

YANBU. Whether it would be possible to have sex without your kids knowing or not is irrelevant - you BOTH agreed not to, and then he pestered you in a really disgusting and creepy way.

Most men do not wank, sigh and grumble next to their sleeping partners in an attempt to coerce them into having sex with them. Gross.

RebeccatheOld · 29/06/2017 14:57

Its odd and I personally would chuck him for that. I had a friend who is a sports therapist. He offered to help me out with a bad back and then had a wank quite literally behind my back. There was absolutely no romance between us as far as I was concerned.

I would not feel comfortable continuing a relationship with someone who was going to behave in that way.

bogofeternalstench · 29/06/2017 15:00

I've wanked in bed next to my sleeping husband before. It's one thing that sometimes helps me fall asleep if I'm struggling. I don't want sex, I just want to quickly orgasm in the hopes it helps me drift off. I don't see why that's odd, and I know husband doesn't mind.

However, OP, trying to wake you up to get you to change your mind when no sex had already been agreed is a different kettle of fish altogether. That would piss me off.

FrogsLegs31 · 29/06/2017 15:00

Wanking, sighing and grumbling next to me in bed while he thinks I'm asleep would be a deal breaker for me at any point in a relationship.

If he has such an inability to communicate without guilt and manipulation, so little respect for your boundaries it might not be the relationship for you after all.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 29/06/2017 15:01

I understand your discomfort about the dc hearing you.. my dd is 12 and I couldn't relax knowing she was listening to me and her father have sex, her father feels the same though so it's not an issue and he doesn't any of the heavy sighing thing. Honestly, my Mum has been married twice and from the ages of 5 upwards at least once a week I was treated to sounds of stepdads grunting at best, or saying things that would be at home in a poem film about my Mum and what he wants to her pussy etc.. proper grim.

I actually think your boyfriend was grim, youd explained why you didn't want to have sex that night, had clearly said it's off the table yet he tried initiating anyway and then got huffy with his heavy sighing when you stuck to your boundaries. He knew you didn't want to, but still tried to get you to anyway, not a good sign, it kind of shows he outs his wants above your enjoyment too.

Not wanting your dc to listen to you have sex doesn't mean you can't ever have sex. I get that it's difficult for someone new to the family but there's plenty of ways to have sex without them listening, it just might not be in bed at night and you'll have to get creative.

WomblingThree · 29/06/2017 15:03

But then people on here can't win Gileswithachainsaw. She waited a year because she didn't want to drag random men in and out of her childrens' lives. To me that's a good thing, and yet she's getting berated for it.

Maybe they haven't even had sex yet? There's nothing wrong with that, same as there's nothing wrong with having sex with 50 people in a week. Maybe they've been shagging in the back of the car in a lay by? I would be massively uncomfortable having sex with someone new while my teenagers were home. I don't see what's so weird about sharing a bed and not having sex, especially if one partner has said no!

WomblingThree · 29/06/2017 15:05

Yes bogofeternalstench but the massive difference there is that your DH doesn't mind. The OP does mind.

bundleofleaves · 29/06/2017 15:05

For the next hour or so he kept sighing loudly and was very restless

That sounds really theatrical and passive-aggressive and would piss me off. Like he wanted to make a big display of how annoyed he was that you didn't have sex with him.

Datun · 29/06/2017 15:09

Today 15:05 bundleofleaves

For the next hour or so he kept sighing loudly and was very restless

Yep. That's a guilt trip. Which is a boundary violation all on its own.

bogofeternalstench · 29/06/2017 15:11

To be honest, I'd still do it if he did mind. Mainly because I can't see how it would affect him and I need to sleep.

WomblingThree · 29/06/2017 15:13

Right bogofeternalstench so if he had sex with raped you in your sleep then that would be ok because it wouldn't really affect you 🙄

StrangeLookingParasite · 29/06/2017 15:15

I had a friend who is a sports therapist. He offered to help me out with a bad back and then had a wank quite literally behind my back. There was absolutely no romance between us as far as I was concerned.

WTF???

bogofeternalstench · 29/06/2017 15:15

How is that in any remote way compatible? Don't be silly.

StrangeLookingParasite · 29/06/2017 15:17

Right bogofeternalstench so if he had sex with raped you in your sleep then that would be ok because it wouldn't really affect you 🙄

Yes, because those two things are really equivalent (having a quick fiddle to help you fall asleep vs being raped). Are you for fucking real?

WomblingThree · 29/06/2017 15:23

I'm way too old to be "silly" thanks, and yes I'm quite real.

The outrage you feel StrangeLookingParasite proves my point though. No means no right, so does that only apply to PIV or everything else as well. The OP didn't want any sexual activity. He wanked and then huffed and puffed and tried to guilt trip her into sex. Posters suggested that he can't be expected to go a night without sex and that the OP is weird. This is the kind of attitude that contributes to a rape culture.

thenightfiddler · 29/06/2017 15:24

@WomblingThree I quite regularly have a quick fiddle as it helps me to fall to sleep. DH is fast asleep and is not aware. I had no idea that it is something I should run past him first, and it is akin to raping him in his sleep...As long as he is asleep and I don't disturb him I don't consider it any of his business, Surely it's something that a lot of people do to relax?

OP - I do find your situation disturbing, and I think you need a frank conversation with him and put some boundaries in place. How is he otherwise?

astoundedgoat · 29/06/2017 15:26

The teenagers in the house are a complete red herring here.

If there had been nobody about for MILES and the OP had said "Sorry, mate - I'm not feeling the vibes tonight and I want to go straight to sleep" and all this sulky, ostentatious wanking was going on she would be well within her rights to send him packing.

It's utterly grim, OP, and if this is his usual carry-on, then I wouldn't be having him over to the house again.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/06/2017 15:31

I suppose your partner assumed you were asleep and wanted to "relieve" himself so to speak. He did stop when he realised you were awake? The dramatic sighing must have been annoying though. No one has died of an erection. Has he got a problem with communicating?

In the first few months of a relationship, a lot of couples can't keep their hands off each other. I'm surprised you couldn't have done it quietly if you'd wanted to. He probably assumed you would be up for that even though you'd expressed your wish to refrain earlier.

bogofeternalstench · 29/06/2017 15:36

Wombling, one can be silly at any age. As you are demonstrating. ;)

In my case, my husband is not experiencing any sexual activity. He is asleep. I don't touch him. I'm usually not even thinking about him while I do it. It's purely a means to a snoring end, and about as sexual as a satisfactory fart when you're had a rumbling tum.

That is in no way akin to rape and I think you're insulting those who have been raped by suggesting it is.

witsender · 29/06/2017 15:39

Yeah, I'd find that grim and disrespectful.

Figaro2017 · 29/06/2017 15:44

I'm usually not even thinking about him while I do it

Steady!! You'll be accused of being unfaithful!

Cantspell2 · 29/06/2017 15:44

If you have 2 teens they too were probably having a wank before falling asleep.

bogofeternalstench · 29/06/2017 15:51

Figaro, I'm usually not thinking about anyone! It's a very perfunctory wank! Grin