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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pop a white feather in mums room?

74 replies

WhiteFeatherHeather · 29/06/2017 11:59

My mum's partner is terminally ill. Has a few weeks at most left Sad
My mum is caring for him at home. My mum and her sister lost their youngest sister when they were young and are big believers in the spiritual side of things and have found great comfort in finding white feathers in the past as a sign things will be ok.
I visit my mum and her partner every day and talk on the phone every night to make sure she's doing ok as can be. I feel like leaving a white feather for her to find will give her a little bit of comfort at a time when she does really need it. Would it be wrong to 'plant' a white feather in her room one day and let her believe it's sent to her from her sister who passed (or an angel or spirit etc) .

OP posts:
AnnieOH1 · 29/06/2017 12:01

I think if you know you won't be caught and it will bring comfort to them at this time then go right ahead. Try to find a bird feather in your garden though as opposed to a shop bought one as that might be a little too obvious xxx

justilou · 29/06/2017 12:01

I'd do it.... as long as you can keep your mouth shut and never, ever tell another soul as it would be bound to come out.

BeeFarseer · 29/06/2017 12:01

As long as there's no chance of being caught, I think that would be a kind thing to do if it'll give her comfort.

LTBiscuit · 29/06/2017 12:04

It makes me feel uneasy tbh to plant one.. but I think it's a very caring and thoughtful idea xx

PinkHeart5911 · 29/06/2017 12:06

You know your Mum and if you believe it will comfort her at what must be a bloody awful time, You do it!

Letsgohome · 29/06/2017 12:07

I'm a bit like your mum, I don't think you'll need to plant 1 x

Titterofwit · 29/06/2017 12:08

I would do it. Anything that brings comfort at such a stressful time can only be a good thing.

When I was having a test prior to my mastectomy I was in a waiting room in the oldest part of the hospital so the windows were both high up and non -opening. As I sat there in the otherwise empty room a single feather came floating down towards me. It wasnt a white feather though - just a brownish feather but it brought me comfort and I remember the feeling even now 12 years after that strange day.

If you have trees there will probably be some white feathers around under them at this time of year.

Toysaurus · 29/06/2017 12:10

I wouldn't. If they are believers they will find their own signs. This feels like a lie. I wouldn't want someone to do this for me.

Coddiwomple · 29/06/2017 12:10

Bringing her comfort without hurting anyone in any way, there's no way that could be wrong. You are trying to do a lovely thing!

I hope this comes across right, I mean well: is it better to do it now, or to wait until her partner is gone, so it could be a sign that he is ok?

BuzzKillington · 29/06/2017 12:24

Even if she found a feather - it's not going to have come from anything spiritual, so I see nothing wrong with planting one for her to find.

echt · 29/06/2017 12:25

It's a lie. Why would you lie?

If she finds comfort in the significance of chance findings, then let those be chance.

PetalsOnPearls · 29/06/2017 12:26

Please don't. It's very cruel to let your mother believe in a message from someone deceased that was actually "planted" by a living relative.

Your mother may feel connections to your sister in other ways; let her feel those without anything being planted. A fakery could mean she loses her confidence in the sense that your sister is close.

Perhaps take her out for long walks or give her a break regularly from caring so she can look after her spiritual side.

justkeepswimmingg · 29/06/2017 12:30

I think that's lovely OP. Of course everyone's going to have different options about it though. As long as she never finds out it was planted, I don't see what harm it could do. Sorry to hear about your mums partner Flowers.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/06/2017 12:30

I thought giving someone a white feather meant that you thought they were a coward Confused

lookatmenow · 29/06/2017 12:30

i have a thing about the feathers too and they do bring me comfort but i'm also thinking at the same time "silly sod for believing such things" and will wonder how the feather has come about (and there is usually an explanation) but if i was to come across one where it wasn't possible for it to just be, i would think someone has put it there and it wouldn't then be the desired effect IYGWIM

If you feel it would help, do it where it could have blown in so to speak, a reason why its there if she needs to look for one.

Firstimefreaked · 29/06/2017 12:31

I think it's wonderful that you are wanting to be so caring but manipulating someone's beliefs is a big no no, especially if they find out they could end up losing or doubting it which could have severe negative effects on their mental health. A safer option which would let her know that you care and understand would be to give it to her or maybe jewlary like this www.etsy.com/uk/listing/215844161/white-dove-feather-pendant-glass-and?ref=pla_similar_listing_top-2.

Coddiwomple · 29/06/2017 12:31

I don't think it's cruel, no more than telling your child that everything will be ok. It would only be cruel to mock her about it.

Bringing comfort is a lovely thing to do.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 29/06/2017 12:33

Either take her for a walk or look after her partner for a short while so she can take herself for a walk. White feathers drifting from the trees are plentiful at this time of year. So are pigeons shitting on your head (three in the past month), but you take your chances... I think if that,s what she believes, she'll get a lot more comfort from a brief respite, a walk in the fresh air and a chance feather on the breeze - but the most comfort will come from you caring about her and offering to shoulder some of the burden/giving her a bit of a break Flowers

Firstimefreaked · 29/06/2017 12:34

Or go for a walk and find a white feather and give it to her, maybe a flower arrangement with a few white feathers or a card...I think the thought it's self would mean a lot. X I'm sorry to hear that your mum is going through this, I worked in a elderly care home and saw many people pass on so I get how upsetting,stressful it can be. X

EastMidsMummy · 29/06/2017 12:35

It feels manipulative and mocking to me.

Even if your intentions are good, what if she found out you had done it? How would that make her feel?

MrsOverTheRoad · 29/06/2017 12:35

Do it. My MIL finds comfort in a certain species of bird....she thinks it's related to her late Dad...so I always tell her if I've seen one..she'll say "Ah! That's Dad..."

It means something to her.

Firstimefreaked · 29/06/2017 12:35

Giving her a chance to find her own is a great idea too.

BoysofMelody · 29/06/2017 12:38

don't think it's cruel, no more than telling your child that everything will be ok.

That is cruel, because it sets up unrealistic expectations in a child that they can get over a loss and carry on exactly as they did before and sometimes 'everything isn't okay' in life. It also sets up an expectation that a parent or another adult can fix everything.

BastardGoDarkly · 29/06/2017 12:38

I wouldn't plant it op, although I can certainly see your intentions are good.

I feel the same about white feathers.

I think if you keep your eyes open and see one, you could post it in a card to her?

echt · 29/06/2017 12:40

I'm trying to imagine just how this thread would pan out if someone was proposing to mess around with the beliefs of a Jew/RC/Muslim to cheer them up. Hmm

The non-woo suggestions to support and receive the cares of the mum are excellent, and have the advantage of being valid and inoffensive.

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