Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To pop a white feather in mums room?

74 replies

WhiteFeatherHeather · 29/06/2017 11:59

My mum's partner is terminally ill. Has a few weeks at most left Sad
My mum is caring for him at home. My mum and her sister lost their youngest sister when they were young and are big believers in the spiritual side of things and have found great comfort in finding white feathers in the past as a sign things will be ok.
I visit my mum and her partner every day and talk on the phone every night to make sure she's doing ok as can be. I feel like leaving a white feather for her to find will give her a little bit of comfort at a time when she does really need it. Would it be wrong to 'plant' a white feather in her room one day and let her believe it's sent to her from her sister who passed (or an angel or spirit etc) .

OP posts:
Changedtocovermyass · 29/06/2017 13:14

I agree with the sentiment that you shouldn't plant something. But showing your support/ that you're thinking of her in getting a piece of jewellery with this symbol or finding one to give to her is a small way to show she is in your thoughts.

RoseTico · 29/06/2017 13:18

Why would she find out? Let's face it, no white feathers are going to magically appear in her room. If you can give her comfort, why not? It won't hurt anyone.

BuzzKillington · 29/06/2017 13:24

I don't see it as being much different from leaving money from the tooth fairy, or making footprints from Father Christmas.

hackmum · 29/06/2017 13:25

" It won't hurt anyone."

Unless her mum thinks about it rationally and realises that someone must have placed it there. The whole business hinges on the mum being so gullible that she'll believe the feather is a message from her dead sister. I don't think that's a forgone conclusion - though obviously I don't know the OP's mother.

snotato · 29/06/2017 13:36

I've heard this,if you find a white feather it means your guardian Angel is watching over you.
I don't think it will do any harm op.i know hackmum said unless your mum thinks about it rationally and realises someone must have placed it there.but if for some reason your mum thought it wasn't a sign,I don't think she would think it has been planted there.she would probably just think it came from a pillow or duvet.iyswim.

Notmyrealname85 · 29/06/2017 13:40

Hi OP - sorry to hear your mum is going through so much right now Flowers

Maybe instead you could get her some supportive gifts now - bath oils, chocolates - or just be sure to spend as much time with her (or call etc). Send her little cards to know you're thinking of her and what an amazing job she's doing.

There are a lot of grief/sympathy cards out there with feathers, when that time comes: www.clintonsretail.com/catalog/product/view/id/62262

I'm torn about whether you leave one with her - is there any chance any of her friends or other family could see this post?

OrgyofSausages · 29/06/2017 13:46

Don't do it. You are clearly a very kind and thoughtful person but it would be wrong IMO. It would be a deception.

Coddiwomple · 29/06/2017 13:47

That is cruel, because it sets up unrealistic expectations in a child that they can get over a loss and carry on exactly as they did before and sometimes 'everything isn't okay' in life. It also sets up an expectation that a parent or another adult can fix everything.

what a great way to fuck a childhood! Yes, things will be ok, times heals. We survive. Even if things will not be ok, what's the point of bringing unnecessary sorrow to a child when it's not needed.
It's not cruel to comfort your child.

Some posters have a very strong reaction to someone only hoping to bring their mum some comfort, I know it's AIBU, but still.

RoseTico · 29/06/2017 13:50

Unless her mum thinks about it rationally and realises that someone must have placed it there. The whole business hinges on the mum being so gullible that she'll believe the feather is a message from her dead sister. I don't think that's a forgone conclusion - though obviously I don't know the OP's mother.

I suppose so. But some people are that gullible!

(But that's a good point, if you do it OP, make sure it's by an open window.)

calli335 · 29/06/2017 13:52

I don't think you should. Despite your good intentions, it would be a lie. If something spiritual is going to provide a sign in some way then it will happen.

waitforitfdear · 29/06/2017 13:57

I would in a heart beat love. Flowers

R2G · 29/06/2017 14:00

Sorry for what your family is going through. I wouldn't, but there is some lovely feather jewellery and things and I think something like that would be nice x I am a believer in signs too and think they will come naturally x

Coddiwomple · 29/06/2017 14:01

Unless her mum thinks about it rationally and realises that someone must have placed it there.

No offence to anyone, but I find white feathers in my bedroom all the time (small ones, obviously from the pillows or duvet), and in the garden too (white pigeons/ doves are making a racket around here). It's not an extraordinary event in this country.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/06/2017 14:08

I wouldn't. I think you mean well but it could cause hurt if your DM realised what you had done.

From a slightly different perspective, my family have a belief that when you dream about the person who has died then they are OK. I have always seen it as part of the healing from your grief process when you are starting to allow yourself to think about the dead person rather than something woo. I wonder if your DM finding signs is part of her working through her grieving process and by planting the feather you would actually be disrupting her moving through her own personal emotional cycle.

WhiteFeatherHeather · 29/06/2017 14:17

Thankyou there are some really beautiful ideas on this thread Smile

OP posts:
iloveeverykindofcat · 29/06/2017 14:24

I know you mean well, but it makes me uneasy. I wouldn't call it a lie exactly but I suppose its a kind of deception. What did you decide? Or are you still thinking about it?

Lucysky2017 · 29/06/2017 14:29

"Symbol of cowardice

As a symbol of cowardice, the white feather supposedly[1] comes from cockfighting and the belief that a cockerel sporting a white feather in its tail is likely to be a poor fighter. Pure-breed gamecocks do not show white feathers, so its presence indicates that the cockerel is an inferior cross-breed.
World War I

In August 1914, at the start of the First World War, Admiral Charles Fitzgerald founded the Order of the White Feather with support from the prominent author Mrs Humphrey Ward. The organization aimed to shame men into enlisting in the British army by persuading women to present them with a white feather if they were not wearing a uniform.[2][3]

This was joined by some prominent feminists and suffragettes of the time, such as Emmeline Pankhurst and her daughter Christabel. They, in addition to handing out the feathers, also lobbied to institute an involuntary universal draft, which included those who lacked votes due to being too young or not owning property.[4][5][6]

While the true effectiveness of the campaign is impossible to judge, it did spread throughout several other nations in the Empire. In Britain it started to cause problems for the government when public servants and men in essential occupations came under pressure to enlist. This prompted the Home Secretary, Reginald McKenna, to issue employees in state industries with lapel badges reading "King and Country" to indicate that they too were serving the war effort. Likewise, the Silver War Badge, given to service personnel who had been honourably discharged due to wounds or sickness, was first issued in September 1916 to prevent veterans from being challenged for not wearing uniform. Anecdotes from the period indicates that the campaign was not popular amongst soldiers - not least because soldiers who were home on leave could find themselves presented with the feathers.

One such was Private Ernest Atkins who was on leave from the Western Front. He was riding a tram when he was presented with a white feather by a girl sitting behind him. He smacked her across the face with his pay book saying: "Certainly I'll take your feather back to the boys at Passchendaele. I'm in civvies because people think my uniform might be lousy, but if I had it on I wouldn't be half as lousy as you." [7]

Private Norman Demuth, who had been discharged from the British Army after being wounded in 1916, received numerous white feathers after returning from the Western Front, and decided that if the women that handed them out were going to be rude to him, he was going to be rude back.[8] One of the last feathers he received was presented to him whilst he was travelling on a bus, by a lady who was sat opposite him. She handed over the feather and said, "Here's a gift for a brave soldier." Demuth replied, "Thank you very much - I wanted one of those." He then used the feather to clean out his pipe, handed it back to her and remarked, "You know we didn't get these in the trenches." The other passengers subsequently became angry with the woman and started shouting at her, much to Demuth's amusement.[9]

The supporters of the campaign were not easily put off. A woman who confronted a young man in a London park demanded to know why he was not in the army. "Because I am a German", he replied. He received a white feather anyway.[10]

Perhaps the most misplaced use of a white feather was when one was presented to Seaman George Samson who was on his way in civilian clothes to a public reception in his honour. Samson had been awarded the Victoria Cross for gallantry in the Gallipoli campaign.[11]

Roland Gwynne, later mayor of Eastbourne (1929–1931) and lover of suspected serial killer John Bodkin Adams, received a feather from a relative. This prompted him to enlist, and he subsequently received the Distinguished Service Order for bravery.[12] The writer Compton Mackenzie, then a serving soldier, complained about the activities of the Order of the White Feather. He argued that these "idiotic young women were using white feathers to get rid of boyfriends of whom they were tired". The pacifist Fenner Brockway claimed that he received so many white feathers he had enough to make a fan.

The white feather campaign was briefly renewed during World War II.[13][14]
In fiction
The Four Feathers

The adventure novel The Four Feathers (1902) by A. E. W. Mason tells the story of Harry Faversham, an officer in the British Army, who decides to resign his commission the day before his regiment is dispatched to fight in Sudan (the 1882 First War of Sudan, leading to the fall of Khartoum). Harry's three fellow officers and his fiancée conclude that he is resigning in order to avoid fighting in the conflict, and each send him a white feather. Stung by the criticism, Harry sails to Sudan, disguises himself as an Arab, and looks for the opportunity to redeem his honour. He manages this by fighting a covert war on behalf of the British, saving the life of one of his colleagues in the process. On returning to England he asks each of his accusers to take back one of the feathers.

The romantic idealism of the novel has been popular for over a century and it has been the basis of at least seven feature films, the most recent being The Four Feathers (2002), starring Heath Ledger. It was also parodied in the Dad's Army episode The Two and a Half Feathers.
The White Feather
Five years later P. G. Wodehouse published The White Feather, a school story about apparent cowardice and the efforts a boy went to in order to redeem himself by physical combat."

hackmum · 29/06/2017 14:44

Coddiwomple: "I find white feathers in my bedroom all the time."

I don't think I've ever found a white feather in my bedroom! I probably have synthetic pillows. Smile

SofaToad · 29/06/2017 16:21

People believe and find comfort in different things. I would be in two minds about planting a feather because she may find one anyway, it may not even be a white one, sometimes they are light grey and they mean just as much as the white ones. They are not always in the room either, they can just be there, by a door, on the floor of another room, in a corner.
They still mean the same.

EastMidsMummy · 29/06/2017 19:20

They still mean the same.

i.e. Nothing

SofaToad · 29/06/2017 19:54

That is your opinion, you are entitled to it. However if it brings someone comfort at a sad time I see nothing wrong with it, I have an open mind. That is my opinion which is equally as valid.

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2017 19:56

Don't worry. She'll find one. Most of the feathers in pillows are white. It's very convenient of them.

Confusedandintrigued · 29/06/2017 19:56

Lovely thought, but no, I wouldn't.
It would make me feel uneasy about misleading her at such a time in her life.

silkpyjamasallday · 29/06/2017 20:03

My DPs family believe in the white feathers being a message from people who have passed on. I know they found it very comforting when we found white feathers when his DM was in a hospice, we were always covered in them as we had accidentally split our duvet and not realised, I didn't mention this even when I knew, and I don't think your plan is dissimilar. If you won't get caught I would do it, it will undoubtedly bring the comfort that is so vital at times like this.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread