Is there anyway to make kids come to my DS party ?

[Tearsonmypillow]

What do you do when your 9 yo DS wants a party and he doesn't have any real friends ?

Last couple of years he didn't want one and in the past we had a shared party with a popular child. Which went fairly well.

He does play computers with one child on occasion after school but spends most dinner times on his own as that child plays football with his other friends at school.

I send my child to school with a drawing pad and pencils so he has something to do.

I tried clubs and football classes but he hates everything that is not sitting on his PC at home.

I am wondering about asking the cubs to his party. He doesn't know any of their names but they include him. They are very good at including everyone.

Or is there a way of distracting him...I would be heartbroken to organise a party to which noone turns up to and that is why I don't want to invite the people from his class as they are mean to him in front of me. They wouldn't show.

Any advice ?

Star. It is not a place for us anymore. The biggest support was that all the children shared or potentially shared the same difficulties.

The differences between a child with ASD and a child who is poorly parented are massive and it would be insulting to the other parents to try and lump my problems in with theirs.

I respectfully disagree - even if your son doesnt have autism (which I really dont understand because I cant think of a single famous "autism" trait that you havent described), he clearly has something going on that is similar to it.

If the group was somewhere he loved, was accepted, fit in and was helpful, why would you take that away from him just because you dont have an "on paper" diagnosis?

Go to the group.
Fundraise for the charity if you're feeling guilty. Or donate.

I am a children's counsellor for a charity. We take on any child that wants support for as long as they want it. So sure, that means sometimes we spend a long time with children who are just a little bit unhappy, rather than the most 'severe' cases and there is a waiting list, but each child's wellbeing is as important as the next. CAMHS have to scale in order of who is likely to be severely harmed by their psychological state, and there is no money there for coping with low level long term misery, but charities are set up exactly to fill this gap. If your son felt accepted by this group and that he fit in there, it means it was the right place for him to be.

You're not failing as a parent any more than your son is failing as a child. You both sound awesome.

Hugs to you Tears, some of the things you have said, I can identify with my DS1. He had no friends and was different, sensitive to noise, telling teacher if anyone broke the rules. He was assessed for Autism but came back as negative although Aspergers was diagnosed later. DS1 much prefers adult company despite forced playdates. My DS1 is now 15 and is happy, mature, not academically gifted, but is talented in other ways that his peers are not. I wished I believed in my son years ago, just because he was so different and stood out. My son has become more confident as he has become more independant. I spent years trying to get him the right help. I also had to be blunt and explain about people's feelings and talking appropriately.
What I am trying to say is, you are a good mom, believe in your son, don't force playdates if he doesn't want them. Speak to Cubs and see if they can incorporate a bit of a party, cake, a few games.

Tears your son sounds a lot like my DS2 at the same age - sweet, kind, stickler for rules (I've lost count of the number of times I've had the "don't tell on rule-breakers unless someone's getting hurt" talk - never made a difference). Quirky personality (perceived by other kids as weird). To make matters worse he liked (still does really at 14) pretty colours, rainbows, soft toys etc. But very bright - wins Maths comps.

All through primary school he didn't really have friends, spent break times alone or on the fringes of the group who didn't tell him to go away. Never invited to parties or play dates, play dates I organised never reciprocated.

BUT he had parties every year and pretty much everyone he invited turned up. Kids that age just love parties. We did outdoor laser tag, indoor rock climbing, gymnastic centre, bowling, mini golf over the years. Things where they're organised and kept busy and social interaction is through the activity.

And just to give you hope for the future, he's now really happy in high school - he has found a small group of similarly quirky, geeky, lovely friends, who are also slightly unusual in their social interactions. The other boys leave them alone because they are so far outside the social mainstream. The primary years were the hardest for him, he just needed to be in a bigger pool of boys to find his tribe. And I disagree with making him get off the computer - you can't force kids to make friends, and for these type of boys their computer games offer ways to bond.

You mentioned that you live in a village, so do we and we find it hard going.
I think for children that have additional needs, it is far better to live in a big town for the variety of activities and the bigger mix of people to meet.
Is it too extreme to suggest moving?
Hope your DS has a lovely birthday though.

The last few posts are giving me hope. A bigger school at high school level will hopefully give him the tribe he needs.

We can't move or anything but it won't be long before he is going to high school. We will just have to see the best in every day and push forward.

This makes very upsetting reading OP. I feel so sad for both you and your son. You obviously love your son very much and are trying so hard to guide and encourage him.

Please don't take what I'm going to say the wrong way, but I think that with all you've been doing to try and help him you've lost sight of the fact that the one thing he was doing 'socially' which he fitted in to and enjoyed you stopped when you were told by professionals that he didn't fulfill the criteria for attending, despite the fact that a lot of the behaviours he displayed were the same or similar to others who were also there.
I can understand that you thought you should stop him going because he was taking a place from someone with a firm diagnosis, but my view is that as your son was deriving benefit from being there he had just as much right to attend as everyone else. In your shoes I think I would be biting the bullet and asking if he can start attending again.This would mean that as well as school and cubs he has another place to go which enables him to mix and perhaps forge friendships.
I've found that even with the most popular of children parties are fraught with problems and as things are so difficult for your son at the moment I think I would shy away from anything that needs a lot of arranging or is in danger of ending up a non-event with those invited not turning up. The cub idea would be a good one if you can give the leader a bit of notice and some idea of why you are asking if he could share his birthday cake with them.

I agree with millymae

I understand that you've been treated badly by the professionals, but the fact is that you found people like your son and he was happy amongst them. The charity will not begrudge you that. The other parents there will recognise that your son is like their children.

Autism Spectrum Disorders are not, as yet, diagnosed through genetic tests and brain scans. They are diagnosed by the traits that a child has. Your child shares the traits of autistic children. Take from that what you will, but the fact is that other children will have been diagnosed for showing the same traits that your son has, and there is a group available where he fits.

He said himself that those kids were just like him. You said that you felt comfortable and safe there. Others were kind, because they were going through the same.

You say that this charity is for children that 'really need help'. Your son 'really needs help'. He's talking of suicide and is clearly miserable.

Cubs sounds like a great party idea.

Re: the group you just mentioned OP. It's for the children not the parents. So, even supposing your child's difficulties were down to your bad parenting*, that doesn't mean he wouldn't benefit/have a right to it or something similar.

*On this thread at least you come across as the kind of parent I would love to be - kind, patient, committed, loving.

The only thing the doctor saw in DS was Hyperacusis (had to goggle that to get the right spelling) which is no surprise as I have similar intolerance of sounds and I knew he struggled a lot with loud sounds like traffic and hand driers etc. But again he has got much better with that as he gets older.

He loves computers and wants to be a youtuber when he gets older...bless.

OP, you sound very rigid in your thinking too.

Doesn't matter if he has a diagnosis or not, he's presenting with the same symptoms so treat as though he is!

DS1 is 7 and like this. I vetoed a birthday party this year as for the past 2 years we threw a class-wide party and in return he was invited to maybe 2 other parties. I saw invites going out so I know other parties went on. So far DS1 hasn't really noticed but I have and it makes me so sad. This year I suggested we go up to London and stay in a hotel which he loved.

He was sent for an ASD assessment but the team said he didn't meet their criteria so they wouldn't see him. He's changing schools in September and I'm hoping a fresh start will help him.

Over time a child's needs can change, if you remain concerned a school can fill in forms sent by specialists and these can be reassessed, I know this from experience and further investigations can be done but in the NHS resources are limited and there is always more needs than money. Even if you get a diagnosis there isn't always resources to treat children. It's very sad but we've tried to make sure our children have access to things like Cubs, they do such diverse and fun things which are affordable. As children get older they do so much which interests many different children. Beavers, Cubs and scouts is for girls and boys and if the first group you try isn't a good mix try another.

OP, you say you can't take him to the group because it's for children with difficulties, not for one who is poorly parented, but you know your DS isn't poorly parented - CAMHS (or your parenting course?) told you that.

I am another one thinking that even if your son doesn't reach the level for diagnosis, a lot of his difficulties sound very very similar to a child diagnosed with HFA. Phone the group and just ask.

It seems as though the assessment process has destroyed your self-belief and confidence, and that's hugely unfair on both of you. Please phone the group your son enjoyed, and just ask the question. Please.

ps Ginandplatonic your post gave me hope. It is what I am dearly hoping for for my boy.

OP, one of the shittiest things an expert can do is tell a parent it's her psychological make up that is the issue, simply because they can't make an accurate diagnosis. It happens SO often. It's unlikely to be you projecting. It's far more likely that your DS has a very complex set of needs and problems that aren't easy to pigeon hole. You sound very stressed. But who wouldn't be? It's such hard work to stay cheery when your child is in such pain and isolation and no one helps.
Why not ring that woman from the centre and explain the situation, see what she says. Also, why not invoite some of the kids he met at the centre to socialise with him, if he found them easy to get on with.

My thanks for all posts on this thread. I am going to have a think and get on with things.

My son is growing up, his needs have already altered so much. I have hope for the future and don't feel as desperate when I started this thread.

You all helped. Thank you.

Good luck, I hope whatever you do to celebrate your son's birthday is good fun and I wish you well for the future.

OP have a look at the itmustbemum blog if you haven't already.

He sounds so like my DS1, who has HFA/ Asperger's and is a couple of years older than your son. We did joint parties with his younger brother until his last year in primary school, for this reason. My heart used to break for him when he wasn't invited to parties or to play at other children's houses. Since he went to high school, things have actually got slightly easier for him - there are more children like him - intelligent, geeky types who are into the same things - and for the first time since the age of 5 he had his own birthday party, at the Retro Computer Museum near us - they all had a fab time playing 70s/80s/90s computer games together and it was a huge hit. It's been a massive relief for me that he's finally found people he fits in with.

I've not RTFT but your DS sounds awesome OP. My DD would totally go to his party

Hi,

I am sorry to read about your son, but as he loves computers I think this will be right up his street

www.arcadeclub.co.uk

You say you are north west and I really recommend. Maybe have a family day out.

Another recommendation for "it must be mum" blog. Awesome.