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Original poster

Is there anyway to make kids come to my DS party ?

149 replies

Tearsonmypillow · 28/06/2017 22:01

What do you do when your 9 yo DS wants a party and he doesn't have any real friends ?

Last couple of years he didn't want one and in the past we had a shared party with a popular child. Which went fairly well.

He does play computers with one child on occasion after school but spends most dinner times on his own as that child plays football with his other friends at school.

I send my child to school with a drawing pad and pencils so he has something to do.

I tried clubs and football classes but he hates everything that is not sitting on his PC at home.

I am wondering about asking the cubs to his party. He doesn't know any of their names but they include him. They are very good at including everyone.

Or is there a way of distracting him...I would be heartbroken to organise a party to which noone turns up to and that is why I don't want to invite the people from his class as they are mean to him in front of me. They wouldn't show.

Any advice ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tearsonmypillow · 28/06/2017 23:22

I am listing the ideas of parties from this thread as they are fun. Probably end up being for his siblings rather than him.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 28/06/2017 23:27

I agree that the computer time isn't helping. If it's something he loves then I wouldn't ban it but I would severely cut back on the time he spends on it. It sounds as though he'd really benefit from practicing face to face interaction - even if that's just his siblings
And the emotional outbursts would likely reduce as well - excessive screen time is linked to problems with emotional regulation in children.
As for the party I would invite some of the cubs or ask if you can take a cake in like a pp said.

Original poster
Tearsonmypillow · 28/06/2017 23:28

I agree cubs is the way to go. I will mention to it to DS and go from there.

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 28/06/2017 23:30

OP don't actually invite the cubs to the party...no need...they'll be there anyway!

The leader can decide if she tells the kids the week before that next week will be a special birthday meeting....and then cake and games and maybe party bags.

It's the best solution.

MeanAger · 28/06/2017 23:34

It would be fantastic for your DS if the cub leaders didn't tell him they were having a party for him and just produced the cake! I wonder if they would allow you to pay for a bouncy castle in the hall for that evening? I'm sure he would love the surprise.

Original poster
Tearsonmypillow · 28/06/2017 23:34

I don't think cubs could give him part of a meeting. They are highly organised and usually have events every week.

But I was hoping the leader could give me the names of a couple of the kinder boys who would come to a small party.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tearsonmypillow · 28/06/2017 23:36

He does not like surprises. He likes to know what he is doing, when and where. He gets quite rude/upset if plans change.

OP posts:
sysysysref · 28/06/2017 23:39

Another one coming on to say that the Gaming bus is a brilliant ideas. My kids are totally led by the party theme and will happily miss a good friends party if they don't fancy the activity e.g my 7 year old hates entertainers and wouldn't go to a party with one even if it's was his best friend in the world and will go to parties of kids they barely know if it's trampolining / gaming / bowling

Notcontent · 28/06/2017 23:40

Is think there are lots of children who struggle with friendships - just as there are adults who do too. My 11 year old dd is a bit like that, although she does manage to make some friends. She did have a couple of years at primary school when she didn't have a friend - it makes me a bit tearful to think about it even now!

The Cubs sound great.

Seeingadistance · 28/06/2017 23:41

I know that this isn't what the thread about, and that you said he's already been assessed for ASD, but from everything you say he does sound very much as if he is on the autism spectrum.

Do you think it would be worth asking for another assessment/second opinion? My son has Asperger's and your son sound very like him.

At that age, he had a small party at 10 pin bowling - with his one friend from school, a couple of neighbour's children and my friend's son. My son tended to like the idea of a party more than the actual party itself, and would largely ignore the other children who came along.

Original poster
Tearsonmypillow · 28/06/2017 23:46

I am not going down the doctor route again, we have an answer, we accept it.

Just need help with the making friends bit.

Sounds like the games bus is the way to go (money permitting)

Yes, cubs are so wonderfull. They are so inclusive and no nonsense, I am so grateful to have found them.

OP posts:
blankface · 28/06/2017 23:47

I'd also say the party involving the Cubs would be the best idea, i'm sure the leader will help you to make sure he has a wonderful birthday.

With the best intentions OP, I'd push for a re-assessment for your son. Just from your posts on this thread there are a shedload of ASD traits apparent. Please ignore the posters who are telling you to treat him as NT.

MrsOverTheRoad · 28/06/2017 23:49

Please think carefully about booking somewhere like the bus....if you do and then none of his classmates come it will be very damaging.

I would not risk that personally.

lozzylizzy · 28/06/2017 23:49

You can get group on deals for laserquest too and take them to a burger place afterwards etc

blankface · 28/06/2017 23:51

x-post with Seeingadistance

Please, please reconsider an assessment, a diagnosis can help to put strategies into place to help him through school and FE. Without that he'll struggle.

monochromeunicorn · 28/06/2017 23:51

Are you friendly with any of the other mum's at school / cubs? Could you chat to them about this and appeal to their good nature? My DD has friendship issues, but has been invited to parties purely because I'm friendly with the mum. I know this isn't usually how it works at age 9 but worth a go.

Also, do you think your DS minds who comes? Or does he just want a party, with ANY children who will be kind? If this is the case could you invite family friend's children, his siblings friends etc to make up the numbers?

Lynnm63 · 28/06/2017 23:52

Your ds sounds like mine and we are currently trying to get him assessed for ASD. The only difference is my ds is quite happy not having friends and only wants to do something with us on his birthday. My ds refused point blank to do cubs or scouts even though this older brother had done both.

blankface · 28/06/2017 23:53

I've just posted some useful info about help and coping strategies on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2966603-to-think-that-trying-to-obtain-a-diagnosis-for-a-girl-with-ASD-is-like-banging-your-head-against-a-wall?msgid=70090490

Original poster
Tearsonmypillow · 28/06/2017 23:54

He will struggle but we love and support him.

The doctor made it clear I was a paranoid mother who wanted something wrong with my son. I am not going through that again. The experts told me he is fine, school tell me he is fine. I just need to support him.

I am looking at a small party with a few cubs invited. Or the family cinema trip...see what he prefers.

OP posts:
Colacolaaddict · 28/06/2017 23:55

My DS struggles too. I think one of those climbing wall places would be a good party for him. It's got a reasonably good cachet with the age group and doesn't require that much interaction between the children.

I think he has only ever turned down 1 party because he didn't like the child, in 4 years of school. I think you may be over-worrying about them turning down invitations for that reason. However it's a busy time of year and a lot of people may have genuine prior engagements.

alwayshungrycatapillar · 29/06/2017 00:02

If you're in the north west there's a place that does parties called Arcade Club in Bury.

There an entire floor full of retro arcade machines - every game you can think of. If he's into stuff like that he would love it!

Booboobooboo84 · 29/06/2017 00:03

Number 1 describing your child as 'normal' implies that those with asd and other issues are not. There is no such thing as normal.

But your main issue is that he wants a party but isn't prepared to give up the screen time to make friends. So he can't have a party. It will end in disaster if no one shows.

The kindest thing to do may be to say there isn't money in the budget this year for a party with friends just family. And really work with him on ditching the screen time. Your the parent take the bugger off him and then he will have to engage with the world. Maybe a summer holiday screen free will do him good, enrol him in some art clubs

seventhgonickname · 29/06/2017 00:04

Have a good talk to the cub leader.If it is at a meeting every will be there .She may be able to tie it in with earning badges,see if your son can come up with thing to do then no surprises.Party bags all around.A seperate family celebration.
It's hard as it is more to do with parents than the kids when invites go out dd got invites to parties where it was clear that she had been invited because their child had liked her and that I would let her come and support them if needed.It had a lot more to do with me being accepting as a parent,I met some fantastic women this way.

SallyGinnamon · 29/06/2017 00:07

What sort of things are you doing to help him make friends?

A couple of things you've said ring alarm bells in that he's a real stickler for rules and cubs are fine if he kicks off or is rude because plans change.

Does he understand / have you explained that these are the sort of things people in general don't like?

These are the sort of discussions I had with my DC when they were little along with looking for like-minded souls rather than focusing on the high profile in crowd.

blankface · 29/06/2017 00:08

The doctor made it clear I was a paranoid mother who wanted something wrong with my son.

Flowers You are not alone to have been treated like that, it happens often, but you can still fight for the support your son needs. please read the whole thread I linked to, there are other Mums in your position on that thread Flowers

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