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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is there anyway to make kids come to my DS party ?

149 replies

Tearsonmypillow · 28/06/2017 22:01

What do you do when your 9 yo DS wants a party and he doesn't have any real friends ?

Last couple of years he didn't want one and in the past we had a shared party with a popular child. Which went fairly well.

He does play computers with one child on occasion after school but spends most dinner times on his own as that child plays football with his other friends at school.

I send my child to school with a drawing pad and pencils so he has something to do.

I tried clubs and football classes but he hates everything that is not sitting on his PC at home.

I am wondering about asking the cubs to his party. He doesn't know any of their names but they include him. They are very good at including everyone.

Or is there a way of distracting him...I would be heartbroken to organise a party to which noone turns up to and that is why I don't want to invite the people from his class as they are mean to him in front of me. They wouldn't show.

Any advice ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tearsonmypillow · 29/06/2017 00:12

No. I have to find our own route.

I am hoping to take him camping this year (no screens) and see how he copes.

I am hoping that high school might have a computer club to help his bond with people if not he will definitely find his tribe at college. Long term he will be fine, it is just getting him though these next few years.

OP posts:

PippaFawcett · 29/06/2017 00:29

Also remember that some parents, like some of us on this thread, are also delighted to receive invitations for our DC for various reasons. So you might be dreading organising it but some of us are just waiting to receive an invitation! We have moved house and it seems like my DC often just don't make the cut when it comes to being invited, which makes me sadder than them I think, particularly as we did a full class party for both of them so thought that might spark a few reciprocal invitations.

For what it is worth, I was popular in primary, not popular in secondary after a painful house move, and then really found a great group of friends at College and Uni so see primary as a phase of his life, good things will still come.

PippaFawcett · 29/06/2017 00:29

X post with OP! Yes, he will find his friends somewhere!

SuperBeagle · 29/06/2017 01:09

OP, I had very few friends in primary school, but wanted a birthday party at around the same age as your son is. I invited a few people who I knew weren't really my friends but who I wanted to be friends with, and, surprisingly, the majority of them RSVP'd, showed up and had a good time. I think it's very easy to assume that because your son doesn't have friends, that must mean that either the other children are mean or inclined to exclude him wilfully, or that they would choose not to go to the party. I think you'd be surprised to see that it's neither for the overwhelming majority of kids. Some kids are just naturally more popular, confident etc. and it's a matter of like attracts like. Often it's not a conscious choice to exclude the quiet/unpopular child, but a factor that simply doesn't cross their mind when forming friendships.

I had fallen into my own groove by high school and made many more friends, but those early years can be difficult.

Rainbowqueeen · 29/06/2017 01:31

Hi Tears, I am sure he will find his tribe eventually.

In the meantime would you be able to afford a movie party?? You talked about doing a family trip to see Minions 3, could you take a few friends and do a cake afterwards in a nearly park or similar?

My DD went to a party like this, they just had cake outside the theatre by the car park after.
So your son still gets the party, he doesn't get stressed by having huge amounts of interaction and kids would definitely come.

I hope no matter what you decide that he has a brilliant birthday.

youarenotkiddingme · 29/06/2017 06:39

My ds has asd to only a small number of friends at school.

He does get on really well with a neighbour.

So instead of spending £100+ on a party with lots I've done something for whole day the 2 of them (theme park or cinema/lunch out then swimming or fair)

It's the same money but he doesn't have to spend time with lots of people or people he only really hangs around with because they are 'there'.

BlackeyedSusan · 29/06/2017 07:43

ds would come. he hasn;t been invited to any parties for two years.

Original poster

Tearsonmypillow · 29/06/2017 07:48

(((BlackeyedSue)))

I understand, neither has my son :(

He had a couple of class wide ones in reception and that was that.

OP posts:

PippaFawcett · 29/06/2017 10:32

Blackeyed,

At parents evening, we were told that my DS, in Year 4 in a new school, was the first person EVER to invite a particular boy to his party.

Apparently his parents had cried. I'm not sure the teacher should have told me any of this, but she did to illustrate how DS arriving at the school had been good for the class which was nice of her.

DS doesn't know. The boy, according to DS, can be a bit of a hand full in class, but he was a delight at the party; polite and joined in very well and I didn't discern any issues between him and the others. I think he had got himself a reputation that he hadn't been able to shake.

monochromeunicorn · 29/06/2017 13:15

OP have you posted about your DS before under a different name? If you are the same poster, then I've said this before, but it's my opinion that you and your DS have been massively let down by the professionals you went to for help. I hope you are ok. I know i would be really angry in your position. I don't know what to suggest as I know you're against seeking further asessment, I'm sure you have good reason for this. I hope you have some RL support.

Original poster

Tearsonmypillow · 29/06/2017 14:41

Yes.

No more assessments as they don't help him find friends. I need to help him find a friend.

OP posts:

firawla · 29/06/2017 14:57

This is so sad. Your boy sounds lovely, I don't understand why classmates wouldn't come - if invited and we're free, my kids are happy to go to any classmates party even if they're not the closest friends. Does his school mix the classes around at all? I wonder if moving or mixing would help him - could it be worth speaking to school to see what they think?
I hope you manage to sort it out and that he's able to have a party that he can enjoy
Fwiw even though your dr has said no, everything you're saying screams asd to me too. I wonder if it would actually be worth getting in touch with any local asd parents groups too. I know he doesn't have a diagnosis but some of the parents may be dealing with some very similiar issues

blankface · 29/06/2017 15:05

Please see Vickibee's post on this thread, it mentions a 'Circle of Friends' intervention that school can implement, which might help your son.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2966603-to-think-that-trying-to-obtain-a-diagnosis-for-a-girl-with-ASD-is-like-banging-your-head-against-a-wall?msgid=70101453

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 29/06/2017 15:07

OP please don't beat yourself up about this, it will get better as he gets a bit older.

My DS was the same at primary, he had one special friend and that was it really. He hated football so wouldn't join in but I pointed out to him it was his choice not to join in and as long as he wasn't being excluded then it was ok. My DS wanted everyone to do what he wanted to do, he didn't seem to understand that he had to put himself out a bit too.

However, he is almost 15 now and is the polar opposite of his 9 year old self. He is very social, very popular and has many lovely friends both boys and girls.

When DS had some bullying issues in year 7 I found out the names of some of the boys whom he seemed to get along with and I put a note for their mums inviting them to go laser shooting - was a lovely day, it forged new friendships and really started my DS off on a new road.

JigsawBat · 29/06/2017 15:08

I know you've gone over and over this on this thread, but as an autistic person I urge you to consider that you cannot assume that 'long term he will be fine'.

And I know you say that you 'need to help him find a friend', but the fact is that you can't force friendships. The experience of endlessly trying will be painful for DS, and there's a good chance that as time goes on you'll be doing this for you, not for him. He'll learn that he doesn't connect with people, and to keep trying for 'normality' will be painful for everyone.

As some others have suggested, I would try to focus on the things he enjoys and suggest ways for him to enjoy those activities in an extra-special way for his birthday, if that's what he wants.

Long-term, I would be looking at pushing for more help from the ASD perspective, because his friends may be waiting in autism support groups where he will be more able to be who he is.

user1495025590 · 29/06/2017 16:03

What the heck! Do not go down the school party route ! These kids are mean to him.You should not be bending over backwards to produce an exciting party that they will deign to attend! that will not win him friends they will just think he's a doormat, an will probably play together and exclude him.
I would do something really amazing with him as a family for his birthday.
Also what are the school doing? they cannot force children to be his friend but they should insist they are kind and respectful.

user1495025590 · 29/06/2017 16:05

But Jigsaw he is not autistic! he has been assessed by professionals, and they say he isn't

LatinForTelly · 29/06/2017 16:31

I sympathise with you, OP, so much. My 10 yo boy has similar problems and they've come to a bit of a head recently.

I can understand you feeling very bruised by the medical profession.

I hope you can work something out with the cubs. And yes, even if you don't want to pursue a diagnosis again, if your son has a lot of the traits, can you implement some of the strategies for children with ASD (sorry if you're already doing this)? I'm off to read the linked thread myself now.

to everyone on this thread with lovely children who are having a hard time.

Original poster

Tearsonmypillow · 29/06/2017 16:31

Exactly. He has no difficulties and the school say there is no need to help him with friends as he has loads !

Not that they can name them.

Plus small village school, no other classes to try.

OP posts:

JigsawBat · 29/06/2017 16:36

user1495025590

Look through the thread though, user, and you will see (as many of us are saying) that he displays (according to the OP) many of the traits of autism.

Now, if the OP's descriptions are accurate, then there is a chance that his assessment, for whatever reason, did not pick this up. There is also a chance that his traits were slightly below the diagnosable level, or that he did not display enough of them. But all of this is irrelevant.

OP's DS is showing many of the traits. To the point where he is being treated negatively by his peers and doesn't fit in. This is very unlikely to go away.

I did not say in my post that her DS was autistic. I said as an autistic person, someone that has been through that childhood, this can't be assumed to just get better in a few years. Nor can she force friendships to happen. So she needs to be prepared for this being an experience that her son has over and over again through his life, even if she does not reach out for another professional opinion, and brushing it off as 'I'll find him a friend and it'll all be better soon' isn't helpful to anyone.

user1495025590 · 29/06/2017 17:18

I think we have to assume that a professionally trained and qualified expert who has spent time with and assessed the boy is better placed than us , who have never even clappeded eyes on the the kid, to decide whethr he is autistic or not!

blankface · 29/06/2017 17:32

@user1495025590
Can you offer the OP any practical help please?

Original poster

Tearsonmypillow · 29/06/2017 17:41

I agree with you User.

However what I am trying to do is navigate organising a successful party and it hurts me that he is unhappy that he doesn't have friends to invite.

I am thinking of trying to include computer child, family friend child and couple of friendly cubs (if possible).

My friend suggested bowling with small numbers of kids and us adults can join in too.

I am not glib about finding him a friend, it is my hearts desire but I don't know how I could do that. If I did, I would of done it by now.

OP posts:

Eggplantsundays · 29/06/2017 17:51

Even if he doesn't have a diagnosis it may well be worth dealing with him as though he does, as he clearly has some big traits. I'd get reading, Steve Silberman and Temple Grandin are very accessible.

Shelby2010 · 29/06/2017 18:06

Why don't you also invite a couple of his siblings friends if you need to make up the numbers?

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