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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents that if they want to leave near my Son and I they can move

68 replies

user1498221998 · 28/06/2017 15:49

I have a good job where I live. I have a lovely little home. My parents have always said they want us to live nearer so they can be more involved in our lives and that it's better for my Son and he will be unhappy growing up where I live!

At the moment we go back to stay with my Parents for all my annual leave and I've always had the view to move back nearer them.

I applied for a few jobs near them and I have come to the conclusion that while I would love my parents to live nearer me, not at the cost of living in a city I love. It may seem materialistic but I couldn't be happy living near my parents. I would love to have them near and I do feel lonely where I live but I had such a boring childhood I'd not want that for my Son.

When I leave to return home after seeing my parents I can hear my Mum secretly crying and it breaks my heart. They love us and miss us.
My Dad has said my Mum is shy and the only company she has is me and I should move back. For years I failed to settle anywhere but now I've had a lightbulb moment.

My parents own their own home worth 170k, are both going to be retired in one year time. They could EASILY move. Yet they want me to give up my job, my home and get a new job near them and move to a new home which will probably be in an awful area just to be nearer them. They say they are settled in the area and don't like where I live.

I've decided to make it clear now that I have no intention of moving back to near them and if they want to live near us they can move to me. They were very strict parents and I spent my teenage years feeling like I was in prison. They're not bad parents and love us both but they were very strict and I didn't feel able to be who I really was. I feel if I stay here I will keep control and if I move back they may start trying to control me again. AIBU to say they should move to me if they're that bothered?

OP posts:
Fightingthefire · 28/06/2017 15:52

You've made the right decision. I wouldn't encourage them to move closer either tbh.

natwebb79 · 28/06/2017 15:53

YANBU. Your parents' behaviour sounds manipulative, bordering on emotional blackmail. As harsh as it sounds your mum needs to take steps to sort out her social life as it is not your responsibility. You spend more time with your parents than most people I know and it sounds like they want you closer to retain the control they had over you when you were younger. Stick to your guns.

SmitheringSmithison · 28/06/2017 15:54

You're not responsible for your parents social life or happiness. You and your son have a life where you are, why should you give that up for your parents? Their needs and wants don't come before yours.

SweetLuck · 28/06/2017 15:57

my Mum is shy and the only company she has is me and I should move back

Err, she's got him,, hasn't she?

Tell them to get a dog.

They sound like a nightmare OP.

If you can hear it, it's not 'secret' crying, is it? It's manipulative twatty crying.

StormTreader · 28/06/2017 15:57

"I can hear my Mum secretly crying"

Ok this is quite an over-reaction, its not like youre moving to America! And you spend ALL your annual leave with them, thats plenty of face-time.

It really doesnt surprise me to hear that they were controlling when you were younger if such a small case of "not what I want" gets such an emotional reaction.

Notknownatthisaddress · 28/06/2017 15:57

That is disgusting, manipulative behaviour from your parents. Shame on them.

DO. NOT. MOVE.

Stand your ground OP.

Wolfiefan · 28/06/2017 15:57

The only company she has is you!! Wow. Manipulative much.
You have moved away and made a life for yourself. If they want to be closer that badly then they can move.
I would rethink spending ALL your leave there too.

EdmundCleverClogs · 28/06/2017 15:58

Yanbu, and honestly? I'd wouldn't encourage them to move to close to you either (not for a few years anyway). They are adults, responsible for their own lives - it's not up to you to make their lives interesting/fulfilled. Sorry, but this screams controlling behaviour to me, especially how you describe your childhood. I'd even suggest you perhaps consider counselling. Keep your freedom, enjoy it. Don't bloody move.

stella23 · 28/06/2017 16:00

They sound very selfish and self centred

alltouchedout · 28/06/2017 16:00

When I leave to return home after seeing my parents I can hear my Mum secretly crying and it breaks my heart. They love us and miss us.

Secretly? No. That crying- you're supposed to hear it and be upset by it and react to it by doing what she wants you to do.

laundryelf · 28/06/2017 16:02

What everyone else said and start spending some of your annual leave elsewhere. They are emotionally blackmailing you to have control over your life still. I have a feeling that they would end up controlling your son's teenage years in the same way they did to you if you move closer.

FidgetSpinner · 28/06/2017 16:05

Don't do it op! They sound horribly manipulative and controlling.

ToadsforJustice · 28/06/2017 16:05

I think I would probably move further away from them.

Cakeycakecake · 28/06/2017 16:06

I was faced with similar recently after having been ill, parents nearly had me moving near them.
Lucky my tablets started working 😂
I have made it clear that I wouldn't move since, and for months was told I hadn't said I wasn't still looking to move- immediately followed by me saying (again) 'I'm not moving my dc from their home and my friends'
It's only stopped after about 6months and I get digs every time I go there about how much better an area they live in, how much safer, the schooling is better... I smile and say yes but it's not my home. I was raised in the area I'm in, they moved away. I'm not about to up and move.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant. I know how you feel though op, just be firm and ignore the emotional blackmail

TooGood2BeFalse · 28/06/2017 16:09

Do not move!!!Easier said than done as they are your parents and you love them Flowers But you are an adult with a child.If you move and YOU are unhappy, this will negatively impact your son.I have always been close with my parents (my mum passed away 3 years ago so just my Dad now) but they always encouraged me to make my own choices and do what was right for me, no matter how far away it took me.It sounds really rough for you and I really sympathise, but you are under no obligation to change your entire world to suit them Flowers

Original poster
user1498221998 · 28/06/2017 16:10

They're not manipulative. They're just a bit eccentric and don't have any friends. Their life revolves around me basically!

They miss us both terribly but then they need to move nearer if that's the case.

I have a brother. He's very close to them and has a mild learning dsability. They say they need to live near him but he could also move if he wanted to and has said he would if my parents moved.

They're very devoted parents. My Mum was a stay at home mum all her life but I think they should have more to their life so they dont live for our visits.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 28/06/2017 16:11

Even if they do move to be near you (and my parents did this when ds1 arrived) you cannot be a substitute for them having a life and social life of their own - you'll suffocate.

I love having my mum close by. We get on really well, she's a fantastic help with the children and we see her at least once a week. But she has new friends, the Ramblers, the U3A, the theatre group etc to make sure she doesn't just sit waiting for the next visit.

So yes, don't move. But think carefully about how it will work if they do.

DownTownAbbey · 28/06/2017 16:13

This sounds like the opening act of a horror film.

I can hear the guilt coming through in your OP. As a pp said get some counselling. They have no right to manipulate you like this. They actually sound abusive.

expatinscotland · 28/06/2017 16:13

Do NOT move. Tell them that, too. And please, start using your leave to take your son to some new and different places. You are well in the grips of FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. Get over the Stately Homes threads and get back some of your power and freedom.

Original poster
user1498221998 · 28/06/2017 16:15

My Son adores my parents. But I think if I moved I would feel resentful as deep down I'd be moving for them. I miss them very much and feel jealous when I see people with their parents and I am lonely.

But I would be miserable in my hometown.

I visit 5 weeks of the year, my son also goes for a few weeks of his schools holidays. So they see us quite a bit.

They suggested I move to the nearest city as a compromise and while I would consider this as it's a lovely little city this needs to be a choice I truly want and not something I'm doing for them.

I'm not in a position to move yet anyway. I'm only just starting out in my career.

On another note they have never ever been to visit me except once when I was in hospital. it's a 10 minute walk to the train station from their house, 2hr5 minutes direct train journey and a 5 minute taxi to my house and neither ever come up so they could see me more if they wanted. If they REALLY wanted they could stay overnight every fortnight or similar. They haven't made any effort. My Dad came up once and said he couldn't sleep as he didn't have his own room.

OP posts:
SweetLuck · 28/06/2017 16:15

'They're not manipulative'

If you are aware of your mum's 'secret' crying, then trust me, they are manipulative.

SaS2014 · 28/06/2017 16:15

YANBU. Not at all.
You have a good stable job and live somewhere you are happy. Why move back to an area you were never happy in, to live in a worse area and for no significant benefits. Yes seeing your patents more regularly would be lovely but there needs to be more benefit than just that. And as you say if they are so keen they can move nearer you, especially if it wouldn't involve them giving up extensive social life etc.
And their behaviour does sounds manipulative and attempting at controlling your life even now.
That's if no benefit for you or your ds.

EdmundCleverClogs · 28/06/2017 16:16

They're not manipulative. They're just a bit eccentric and don't have any friends. Their life revolves around me basically!

You really can't see how unhealthy their relationship with you is. Please arrange counselling Flowers.

waitforitfdear · 28/06/2017 16:18

Honestly love don't let them guilt trip you it's not fair and it's not what loving parents do.

My 4 are grown up and we have grandchildren near but if they decided to move we would completely support them and validate their decisions as it's their lives now.

They can Skype and keep in contact they are trying to manipulate you even if they don't mean to be nasty it's wrong.

Pr1ncessPeach · 28/06/2017 16:19

ahh I think you have done the right thing for you OP

It does seem manipulative as other posters are saying, this crying 'in secret' thing and I am glad you have seen things as they actually are

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