To tell my parents that if they want to leave near my Son and I they can move

[user1498221998]

I have a good job where I live. I have a lovely little home. My parents have always said they want us to live nearer so they can be more involved in our lives and that it's better for my Son and he will be unhappy growing up where I live!

At the moment we go back to stay with my Parents for all my annual leave and I've always had the view to move back nearer them.

I applied for a few jobs near them and I have come to the conclusion that while I would love my parents to live nearer me, not at the cost of living in a city I love. It may seem materialistic but I couldn't be happy living near my parents. I would love to have them near and I do feel lonely where I live but I had such a boring childhood I'd not want that for my Son.

When I leave to return home after seeing my parents I can hear my Mum secretly crying and it breaks my heart. They love us and miss us.
My Dad has said my Mum is shy and the only company she has is me and I should move back. For years I failed to settle anywhere but now I've had a lightbulb moment.

My parents own their own home worth 170k, are both going to be retired in one year time. They could EASILY move. Yet they want me to give up my job, my home and get a new job near them and move to a new home which will probably be in an awful area just to be nearer them. They say they are settled in the area and don't like where I live.

I've decided to make it clear now that I have no intention of moving back to near them and if they want to live near us they can move to me. They were very strict parents and I spent my teenage years feeling like I was in prison. They're not bad parents and love us both but they were very strict and I didn't feel able to be who I really was. I feel if I stay here I will keep control and if I move back they may start trying to control me again. AIBU to say they should move to me if they're that bothered?

How will your son form any friendships in that area??

I mean where your parents live if you were to move.

I'm stunned at the responses on this thread! There is nothing outlandish with the OP's parents wishing she lived closer, and asking her to. My father would LOVE for us to move back to my home city (my Mum is dead) and has said out straight that we could have his (gorgeous) flat and he would downsize to facilitate this. He loves us, he is lonely, and he suggested all this.

But being an adult with my own family and our own set of ambitions and desires, I said no, so he moved (country) to be closer to us instead. It has worked out very well for everyone.

The OP's parents would also like her to move closer to them, and would very much like this to happen, but being an adult with her own ambitions and desires for her family, she has said no. They now have the option of moving to live closer to her.

I'm not sure suggesting counselling for the OP to start recovering from her abusive relationship with her parents is the most rational response, unless there is a massive back story in the OP's previous posts that I have missed.

Please don't encourage them to move nearer to your home. Imagine if one of them gets ill, (or sadly dies) the expectation WILL be that YOU step up to provided support, physical and emotional support. You will be questioned and cross examined about your life, work, decisions and the way you parent.

Encouraging them to move closer to you will be like putting a noose around your neck and waiting...........

They have never ever been to visit me except once when I was in hospital ... They haven't made any effort

Well no, but then they've not been put in a position where they need to, since you're spending so much time travelling to them

I agree with everyone else about the manipulation and that you'd be very unwise to move back, but if and when they find out that you'll be staying put, please be aware that the "illnesses" and "emergencies" will very probably start

It's nice they want to be near and help out but the secret crying would unnerve me and make me suspicious that it was deliberate manipulation.
I have siblings who lived on the other side of the world and needed more help than they admitted to needing ( as we all probably do). Mum never cried about it (so that anyone of us would hear, anyway) although I'm sure she felt it very keenly.

MN is so dramatic sometimes. Someone will be along to tell you to go NC any minute.

OP, YANBU in your approach but I do understand your parents' view as well. They just want to be close to you and your son because they love you. Which is nice. If they've lived in their current area all their lives I can understand why they wouldn't want to move.

So don't feel guilty about staying put but also don't let strangers on the internet make out that there's a major issue when you have a good relationship with your parents on the whole.

I wonder how the dynamics would change if you met a new partner in the future and you could no longer spend 5 weeks per year visiting them?

Do not move and stop being emotionally manipulated by them!

ps my mum cried when I left for uni, because she was genuinely sad to see me go. Not because she's a manipulative bitch who didn't want me to be happy.

There's tearing up when you say goodbye for a big change and there's crying in supposed secret every time someone leaves with the purpose of being heard.

Another saying "don't move" and also "don't spend all your free time going there." If you didn't, they would be forced to visit you, and perhaps see it's not all that bad where you are. They cant imagine it, and they don't have to because you come to them.

Use your holiday allowance to explore your local area, let your DS play with local friends, go on holiday if you can afford it!

If you make it clear that you won't be moving and you won't be using all your leave to go to them, then they might start considering coming to you.

Word of warning though - it might not be healthy for your Mum to replace the hole in her life that her DCs growing up has caused with your DS.

Am I the only person who suspects that they want you nearby so you can be responsible for looking after them in a couple of years' time? It's all on their terms - wholesome, loving families split the travel, don't make demands, and certainly don't make you feel like a prisoner when you are a teen, then attempt to reel you back in as soon as you have escaped.
I challenge you. OP, to get out in the rest of the world a bit more, and get a partner and a life away from ma and pa who you are still shackled to.

Personally, I would focus on moving somewhere that had decent holiday club provision.

It's healthy you are enjoying your freedom right now.
If you are not careful, the story of your life will be one of fulfilling obligations you feel towards a series of needy relatives: first your parents as they age and become frail/widowed and then your brother.
It might be a good idea to make contingencies now, for example by checking with your parents they have made financial provision for the future to minimise the emotional and practical burden on you and your DS.

Send your mother this
Find your nearest WI branch

Your parents (and esp your mum) have build their life around you and your dbro.
The issue there is that she has nothing else and that, now that you have left home, she has nothing left.
The 'easy' solution for her is to ask you to be close by to fill the gap.

The problem is, it's not your role to make your life around them so that your mum isn't feeling lonely.

You need to make your own life what you want it to be and its normal to cut the umbilical cord and have your own life, where ever it is.

It doesn't mean that your parents can't look after your ds at hols (that's what my own parents do). It's doesn't mean you can't spend some of your hols with them (I do too). But it does mean that your life can not be dictated by their life's iyswim.

I think you are right to make it clear to them as well as saying they would be welcome to come closer.
Be careful that if they did that, you don't end up being 'all they have'. They need to build a life of their own.

How far is the car journey and how old is your son?

Their lives revolve around you, and they've not even retired yet?? Massive alarm bells. How much worse are they going to be as they older with more time on their hands and as their health fails.
This is not a healthy dynamic. Stay where you are. And I'd seriously rethink about spending all your leave with them too. Not normal.