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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents that if they want to leave near my Son and I they can move

68 replies

user1498221998 · 28/06/2017 15:49

I have a good job where I live. I have a lovely little home. My parents have always said they want us to live nearer so they can be more involved in our lives and that it's better for my Son and he will be unhappy growing up where I live!

At the moment we go back to stay with my Parents for all my annual leave and I've always had the view to move back nearer them.

I applied for a few jobs near them and I have come to the conclusion that while I would love my parents to live nearer me, not at the cost of living in a city I love. It may seem materialistic but I couldn't be happy living near my parents. I would love to have them near and I do feel lonely where I live but I had such a boring childhood I'd not want that for my Son.

When I leave to return home after seeing my parents I can hear my Mum secretly crying and it breaks my heart. They love us and miss us.
My Dad has said my Mum is shy and the only company she has is me and I should move back. For years I failed to settle anywhere but now I've had a lightbulb moment.

My parents own their own home worth 170k, are both going to be retired in one year time. They could EASILY move. Yet they want me to give up my job, my home and get a new job near them and move to a new home which will probably be in an awful area just to be nearer them. They say they are settled in the area and don't like where I live.

I've decided to make it clear now that I have no intention of moving back to near them and if they want to live near us they can move to me. They were very strict parents and I spent my teenage years feeling like I was in prison. They're not bad parents and love us both but they were very strict and I didn't feel able to be who I really was. I feel if I stay here I will keep control and if I move back they may start trying to control me again. AIBU to say they should move to me if they're that bothered?

OP posts:
Madonna9 · 28/06/2017 16:19

How about your parents try and find a hobby and make some friend their own age?
I would hate to be dependant on my son for my (social) life, such pressure to put on your child.

I wouldn't move either.

Creampastry · 28/06/2017 16:20

They seem quite selfish. Do not move.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2017 16:21

You are not responsible for your parent's happiness. Moving to be near them would be a massive, massive mistake because you'd be doing it only for them, and not for yourself and what you want.

littlebird77 · 28/06/2017 16:21

I had to make the same heart breaking decision. You need to focus on the future not the past.
If your parents miss you, they can move to be closer. Your son is the priority now.
In the end we all grow up and make decisions - and you can not be responsible for grown adults. So be happy where you are, make new friends and forget about moving.

Fightthebear · 28/06/2017 16:23

Even if they're not manipulative they're overwhelmingly needy.

It's unfair to say that you're your DM's "only company" so you should move back. None of us an obligation to be someone's only social life. Like pps have said, they need to take responsibility for that.

I'd think you'd be suffocated if you moved back.

228agreenend · 28/06/2017 16:25

I agree with the others, Do Not Move.

It's unhealthy that your parents life fully revolves around you. Not everyone needs a jet setting life, and are happy to be home birds, it that doesn't seem to be the dynamic here.

What would happen if you decide to have a holiday somewhere else? Would they kick up a fuss, either subtly or more vocally. If so, then that tells you it isn't right. Parents would respect your choice to,have a olidaynelsewhere, and it's good for your family dynamics.

Wolfiefan · 28/06/2017 16:25

I'm sorry but that's really unhealthy and I do think it's manipulative. They want you back under their control.
The life of a parent shouldn't completely revolve around their adult child. They need to find other things to fill their lives with and not try and guilt you into moving back to them.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2017 16:27

They are REALLY REALLY manipulative.They've certainly done a great number on you. You say openly that they gave you a pretty crap childhood in many ways and clearly are not great role models... but you still feel really strongly pulled by them.

Yes they're manipulative, no they don't want the best for you, but themselves. That doesn't make them monsters but it does make them folk that if you have any sense you will keep at arm's length. They won't do you or your son or you and your son's relationship any favours at all and I really hope you don't encoruage them to move closer. If they do, and get more involved than they are now, the obvious end point will be a fucking enormous falling out when they revert exactly to type and - as you so clearly see! - go back to trying to control you, interfere in your parenting and control your son.

You can see this, deep down. You are right. Keep your distance.

terrylene · 28/06/2017 16:28

Enjoy your city life if that is what you want! Your DS is getting plenty of time at their's to enjoy a quieter place, so isn't missing out. Enough is as good as a feast Wink

I would think about going for a week away somewhere else as he gets older.

HappyFlappy · 28/06/2017 16:28

If you would end up resenting your parents, then don't move from your home. If they want to move near you, that's their choice (but they could stifle you and your DS), but TBH I think they would be equally miserable leaving somewhere that they love to be near you.

Why not keep things as they are, and really enjoy each others' company when you get the chance, rather than risk simmering resentment and an eventual falling-out.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 28/06/2017 16:29

They want you to live nearer, they want to see more of your son, their life revolves around you - as long as it's all on their terms. As long as they don't have to put themselves out to travel to see you, as long as you are the one who has to move.

It's all very conditional and one way isn't it? So yes, fundamentally they are being manipulative. Stay put OP, if you are so important to them they can be the ones to make an effort for a change.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/06/2017 16:29

NO PARENTS' LIVES SHOULD EVER REVOLVE AROUND THEIR ADULT CHILDREN!!

They are independent, materially well off adults. Do not let them guilt you into thinking you are responsible for their happiness. Otherwise, where does it end? 'Oh no, don't go there on holiday, your mother will worry about you..' 'Oh, you can't send DS to that school, we worry about things we've heard..' 'Oh no, you can't apply for that promotion, you'd have to work longer hours and we'd never see you..'

See how it works?

FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2017 16:30

And really, really STOP using all your annual leave to be with them.

Part of the problem is that they feel entirely entitled to your adult time. This will get to be more and more of a problem as your child gets older, certainly as your life moves on. Again, you will end up falling out - or your son resenting them very deeply.

Cut the strings gradually, but firmly.

Everythign you say about your career, your life - it doesn't matter to them as much as their needs. They would happily see you poorer, less successful, if they got more time being pandered to. They are selfish and NOT good for you.

'
On another note they have never ever been to visit me except once when I was in hospital. it's a 10 minute walk to the train station from their house, 2hr5 minutes direct train journey and a 5 minute taxi to my house and neither ever come up so they could see me more if they wanted. If they REALLY wanted they could stay overnight every fortnight or similar. They haven't made any effort. My Dad came up once and said he couldn't sleep as he didn't have his own room.'

This says it all. Stop giving, it will never be enough. They will smother you and smother your son. He won't adore them for long. Get some distance.

BarrierST0P5 · 28/06/2017 16:31

I would suggest staying where you are

I would suggest NOT spending ALL your holiday time with your parents, find some other places you would like to go

Tell them if they want to move or visit they are welcome (providing they give you prior warning, incase you have something else organised)

Suggest if you are not going to visit so regularly communicate via other methods, email, phone, skype, postcards, letters from yourself and your child

Suggest telling them that your job and family life ensures that you are happy where you are

Moving costs alot of money ! (recently moved again)

NellieFiveBellies · 28/06/2017 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RatherBeRiding · 28/06/2017 16:35

Yes they really are manipulative, but you're not getting it because this is how they have always been. And they probably themselves don't realise that their behaviour is manipulative. To them, they love you and miss you.

However, they obviously don't miss you enough to get on the train now and then. It's all one way traffic. Literally.

I expect their excuse would be that they can't leave your brother (are they his full-time carers?) although you say he has a mild LD so perhaps he lives independently? In any case, what's to stop him visiting too?

It is manipulative, though. Your brother himself has said he'd be happy to move closer if your parents did. Truth is they don't want the inconvenience and are coming up with excuses. But they are quite happy for you to have the inconvenience, when you have a child in school and a settled job.

ppeatfruit · 28/06/2017 16:35

Parents don't own their children. If you felt imprisoned as a teenager that is abnormal . If it's difficult for you to recognise this , yes I agree with the poster who said you should get help or at least buy some books about how to treat children\teens psychologically and or go on line about it.

Original poster
user1498221998 · 28/06/2017 16:42

Thanks everyone.

I think my problem is I rely on them for support as I'm a single parent with no one. They need to have my son in the summer holidays (no holiday club near) among other things.

I do think they're good parents in some ways. I think their life just revolves around me too much. The main reason I made sure I got a full time job. I never want to do that to my Son.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 28/06/2017 16:44

Look into other childcare options. Seriously.

SheSaidHeSaid · 28/06/2017 16:48

Please don't move.

You don't agree but what others have said about your parents being manipulative is correct. You just can't see it because you're being manipulated.

Cutting a long story short, I had to have counselling for something and during that counselling I was encouraged to speak about my parents who sound exactly the same as yours. Without saying it in as many words I was told my parents have/do manipulate me and I shouldn't allow them to emotionally blackmail me any more.

Cavender · 28/06/2017 16:51

Sorry but they are manipulative and they behaviour isn't normal. It's pretty common for children to move away from their home town.

If you had a DP/DH they wouldn't expect all your annual leave to be spent with them would they?

It seems to me like they are still treating you like a child, not a grown woman and mother.

My parents who love me and adore my DC made less fuss when I moved to the USA. They smiled as they waved us off and told us to have a wonderful adventure.

That's love.

I'm sure my Mum had a little cry after we left but they would never tell me or guilt trip us for leaving.

StormTreader · 28/06/2017 16:56

If they genuinely missed you so much that they were sobbing at you leaving, theyd make the 2 hour train trip to visit you.

MrsBobDylan · 28/06/2017 16:56

I thought I needed my parents too op. Only now do my siblings and I see that they used and manipulated all of us. Do what you can to disentangle your lives (childminder in the summer hols?), don't use all your annual leave on them and never, NEVER move to be near them (or encourage them to move near you).

I do know it's hard.

krustykittens · 28/06/2017 16:57

Sorry, OP but I I agree with every one else - their behaviour is manipulative. It's all about getting you to jump through hoops to make them happy. And they will never be happy, even if you went as far as moving back in with them. With controlling, smothering parents, there is never a point where you have sumbitted to their will enough that they are finally happy. It won't happen. Keep your life and your independence. Even if they were the most living, supportive parents in the world, they still need to be responsible for their own happiness, their lives cannot revolve around an adult child.

MsSusanStoHelit · 28/06/2017 17:00

I think you've got a really solid plan and YANBU. I live 100s of miles from my parents and they miss me but they don't want to live here and I don't want to live there, so we just visit.

However, your parents ARE being controlling - they're not as bad as they were cause they can't get at you - but all this crying and wailing and telling you how terrible you are - that's manipulation and control. You're not standing for it, well done, but it's important to recognise it for what it is, too.

And stop wasting all your leave on them - they can bloody come and see you for a weekend or two if they want to see you that much.