To think I can't punish myself

[fuckmyfuckinglife]

Forever? Basically me and h were friends before a couple. In that time he saw me behave quite badly. I was young, stupid. I drank excessively took drugs and was very sexually promiscuous. I admit I was a slut.
10 years later though I'm still being punished for it. He's used me being a slut as a reason to be unfaithful. Which I accepted.
But now he's basically saying I should be ashamed and disgusted in myself forever. I should be making every effort to 'prove' I am not that person. Prove being no social life, no social media, no male friends. Nothing.
I'm not proud of my behaviour and I definitely don't think it was okay but I can't change my past. He married me 😔

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Get the fuck out of there. What a horrible scumbag.

[user1476869312]

This man is dangerous. He really, really hates women and is profoundly sexually inadequate.
I would genuinely suggest you have a word with the local police, on the non-emergency number and ask to speak to the DV unit. Tell them you are going to leave your controlling partner and you may need some help.
Because you are going to need to move fast. A man as shitty as this can escalate very fast if he thinks he is losing control (and that fact that you are realising what a ridiculous, obnoxious loser he is may be fairly obvious to him) - so there is a possibility of violence or harm.

Remember, you did NOTHING wrong by drinking and having consensual sex. These are fun things to do. Even if you did make the odd mistake, these are not crimes perpetrated against your husband and therefore none of his business whatsoever.

[EssieTregowan]

He is using your past to justify his own cheating.

If it helps, my past was probably 'worse' than yours. Men, women, drugs etc. DH knows as we talk about each other's lives before we met. The past is the past. He couldn't give the tiniest of shits, and plus he gets the benefit of my wealth of experience . I'm very boringly grown up and middle class these days mostly.

[Willow2017]

Run for the fecking hills.

He is not your 'judge & jury' what you did had nothing to do with him, nothing to do with here and now either.

Why the hell should you spend the rest of your life 'proving yourself' to him? He is controlling, manipulative and wants you totally seperate from anyone but himself so he can control everything you do, put you down when ever he wants to make himself feel better, and keep you feeling bad about yourself and questioning yourself. Typical abuser behaviour.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
HE HAS NO RIGHT TO PUNISH YOU.
HE HAS NO RIGHT TO JUDGE YOU.
TELL HIM TO FTFO AND EXAMIN HIMSELF BEFORE HE JUDGES OTHER PEOPLE AS WHAT HE DID IS NOT EXCUSABLE.

Please, please get rid now, leave, kick him out, block, ignore, tell other people what he is doing, get protection from him, whatever it takes just do it today.

[winglesspegasus]

from those of us who came of age after THE PILL and before hiv.
hes an absolute jackass and probably had his share of the other woman out there.
you need to rethink this so called relationship/
that sort of treatment is abuse.

[Froggybedlegs]

He is being abusive, putting you down and making you feel crap about yourself because of choices you made when you were younger. He has absolutely no right to do this to you. Time to move on I'd say!

[EezerGoode]

Ltb

[fuckmyfuckinglife]

I'm not proud of the 20+ men I let use me 😔 I'm sure he thinks I fucking am 😡

[EezerGoode]

I agree with user 1476...

[fuckmyfuckinglife]

I say use me they weren't all one night stands

[StormTreader]

fuckinglife that is YOUR call - you can be proud, you can not be, you can have regrets, you can have times when you might wish you were back there partying again! Its up to you how you feel about these things, and no-one else.

[HappyFlappy]

You may not be proud of it OP, but you don't need to be ashamed of it either. You learned a valuable lesson about being discriminating your choice of partners from it. Put that lesson into practice now, and also learn a new one of self-respect. Choose not to be with someone who doesn't treat you with consideration.

No-one deserves the life he is giving you. And as for 20 men - I thought you must run to six figures when I saw how much guilt and self-contempt you have had piled onto you. He has undermined your confidence and self-esteem - he has no right to do that.

[Birdsgottaf1y]

"". Tbh I'm just wondering whether I am being unreasonable and I SHOULD allow the controlling behaviour to appease him even though I know deep down he's wrong""

You made some mistakes now make sure that you don't make a mistake for the rest of your life by staying with him.

[Fibbertigibbet]

OP when I was younger I was a lot like you were- I don't know how many people I have slept with, and my DH was my friend and would talk to me about these people, has seen me with other people and we even had casual sex ourselves once or twice. DH has never EVER called me a slut, judged me poorly for my behaviour, or doubted me being faithful, because at the time it was what I wanted to do and now it isn't. That is a normal and healthy response to this. What your H is doing is nothing short of abuse. Please LTB.

[DeadGood]

Oh for god's sake, plenty of women have slept with far more than 20 people. Your husband is an absolute prick - like, a proper abusive arsehole. Not an "is he or isn't he?" abuser, or a "he's not that bad, really" abuser. This is proper, actual, genuine abusive behaviour.

Get out as soon as you can, and make sure you have as much support as you can. From Womens Aid, your family, your friends, anyone. Tell them; they will help you.

[pandarific]

OP before doing anything that may tip him off to you planning to leave please contact Women's Aid, they'll have advice for you to protect yourself.

As you're married you're relatively protected but it would be ideal to gather everything you need, get a solicitor etc before he is aware you plan to leave. Post on the relationships board on here and they will help you.

[Madwoman5]

He was happy to marry you knowing of your past.. if he wanted to sleep around he should have done this before vows, this is not acceptable behaviour in a marriage. If he cannot let go of the past, you have no future.

[Quartz2208]

You seem to have low self esteem linked to giving away and letting men use your body. I would not equate ONS and a more promiscuous past to letting men use your body rather that you were single and enjoying life.

[fuckmyfuckinglife]

His magic number is well into triple figures

[Lilmy3]

OP, there isn't anything wrong with being a "slut" or a "slag". You were young and unattached, you behaved like young people do. You haven't cheated on him, you just did what you wanted with your body and had a great time doing it

He's destroying your self esteem, don't let him win

[Lynnm63]

It wouldn't matter if you'd fucked the entire Rugby XL on the steps of the Town Hall. He knew your past BEFORE you got together. Maybe you're not proud of that period in your life but you have nothing to be ashamed of.
The quicker you kick him into touch the better.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Jesus 20 people that's it?
I was expecting the reveal too be triple figures.

You can't spend the rest of your future beating yourself up for you past - especially since your past doesn't concern your husband.

Do you really want your children growing up thinking his behaviour is normal? A son thinking that's how a woman is to be treated. A daughter thinking that's how a man is meant to speak to her and treat her.

Run. And never look back.

[fuckmyfuckinglife]

I don't think it's even 20 you know 😔

[AnathemaPulsifer]

So he has slept with triple figures, you've slept with 20 and he's using it as an excuse to both cheat and emotionally abuse you like this?

LTB. And I don't say that lightly. He is a misogynist git.

[DistanceCall]

OP, listen carefully.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

So you had sex with men. Lots of sex, if you like. So what? You were single and didn't cheat on anyone. Yes, you may regret some of that now, but, seriously, it's not such a big deal, and it's strictly YOUR business. You didn't hurt anyone (other than perhaps yourself).

Your husband is an abuser. He expects you to cut all ties to society and friends so he can keep you under his control by appealing to your shame - BUT THERE IS NO SHAME IN WHAT HAPPENED. He has absolutely no right to feel hurt by it - it was before his time. (And even if it wasn't, it's absolutely no excuse to demand that you become a recluse. There is no excuse for that).

Please leave at the earliest opportunity. He's an abusive cunt, and this is hurting not only you but your children.