Was I BU or were they?

It's your business to manage your alcoholism, so they shouldn't have embarrassed you like that.

But has your drinking embarrassed them so they thought you shouldn't be given any alcohol?

You were an alcoholic, yes they all knew. As did everyone you know! Alcoholics are not difficult to spot and as much as the alcoholic has blinkers on the rest of society doesn't even if people are too polite to point it out.

His comments were nasty and unnecessary. Regardless of what you may or may not have done in the past he sounds very angry to have such an extreme reaction.
Well done for getting sober OP.

What a knobhead. I'd have been mortified. Poor you op

This makes me angry for you OP! Your sisters husband was completely out of order, he had no right to talk about your business - and you were very right to let him know. Not only nasty to you but making your cousin and wider family uncomfortable as well.

Well done for getting sober - very pleased for you.

I'm confused tbh. Yes, it was handled terribly but family members don't know about your alcoholism, you occasionally drink etc? Sounds like mix ups are inevitable tbh. He was a dick but does it stem from your previous behaviour to his wife? I'm in no way condoning what he said but trying to understand it.

YANBU! What an absolute tosser. Sounds like he couldn't wait to stick a boot in even though you've come this far.

While I don't agree with what he did, but I can understand his issue.

My dad is an alcoholic, he has put us through a lot over the years. Anytime I see him​ drink I get anxious and angry.

He knows the consequences of his drinking just appears to continue to do so. I do logically understand that it's not that simple, but emotionally every drink feels like a slap in the face and a big fuck you to all the harm he has caused.

It sounds as though your addiction is a lot more obvious than you realise. Also as though you might be basically still hooked as that sounds like a lot of denial (a couple and I'm fine, people looking at you oddly and being very defensive about the problem). Lots of denial. Surely you need people to know, keeping it a secret is still in the sway.

Pretty much anything you hear about alcoholics says they can't drink at all any more. You've never talked to your BIL about your circumstances so how is he to know you are an alcoholic who can have a drink and stop. He probably thought that the cousin was about to trigger a relapse right there at your sister's party. I expect he panicked.

If you put your DM though hell, then I am sure that whole family knows, including the cousin, who will genuinely have been mortified that she handed a glass of prosecco to the alcoholic.

BIL didn't plan it. He saw a disaster about to happen to his wife's sister at his wife's party, unexpectedly and he reacted.

The effects of addiction last long beyond the end of the drunkenness.

I think it very telling that you could only think of your own embarrassment and went so far as to text him to have a go at him without any attempt to see it from his point of view.

Selfish, rude, primary focus on hiding the addiction, no consideration of anyone else's feelings. Are you sure you are recovered?

From personal experience - my DM was an alcoholic. She manged to stop drinking for around 4 years, then had 1/4 of a glass of bubbly at my sister's wedding, and never stopped drinking again. Twenty years later she is now dead because of it.

It sounds to me like this is a slippery slope you're on, and soon 1 or 2 glasses might turn into 3 or 4 etc. It's not an addiction you can 'beat' if you don't stop completely.

Oh, and if you're an alcoholic, people know. They can see it and smell it. They may not say anything, but they know.

Often part of the recovery process for many alcoholics is admitting that most people around them know and knew about their drinking and breaking down the idea that they managed to conceal their addiction. I can understand that you may be upset with your brother in law but it might be worth revisiting your feelings around the addiction and trying to work on reactions to it.

I think anyone who has dealt with an alcoholic in the family will be put on edge seeing them accept a drink from all the decit that has gone before... that's not justifying his actions but will likely be the reason he reacted. It is very hard to rebuild trust around addition so even though you feel confident only having one - your family are likely to feel concerned seeing you with one.

I would think everyone knew you were an alcoholic but that is not an excuse for your BIL to be rude to you or embarrass you in public. Maybe he has seen or heard what you can or have been like when drunk and wanted to avoid a scene so unintentionally caused a different type of one altogether.

londonfeather is right, when you've lived through someone's alcoholism and come out the other side of it, the fear that they'll slide back into drinking again is terrifying.

My OH is a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober for nearly 10 years but I still have horrible dreams in which he starts drinking again. If I saw him with a drink in his hand I'd be devastated. Even if it was just one drink. I'd probably overreact as well.

You sound like you're in complete denial about your drinking and its effect.

*affect

Yes it was unnecessary.

You should have refused the Prosecco because you are an alcoholic who caused great distress to your family and you were at a family party.

Surely your first instinct on being handed a drink in front of them would be to say "no thanks" out of respect for their past pain and ongoing fears.

You are only concerned about hiding your alcoholism. I don't think any recovery programmes recommend that approach.

You owe your BIL an apology. He was trying to help. Maybe he was a bit loud about it but he was trying to do the right thing.

Do you have a sponsor or someone like that you talk to?

Two things strike me as unusual op.

One,,you can now have a drink and walk away from it,
Two, you are more concerned about people knowing you are an alcoholic than about what drove his concern and reaction.

How long have you been sober for please?

I think you might be in a bit of denial OP.

And I am astonished that as a recovering alcoholic you can have 1 or 2 drinks and walk away. That's like a drug addict saying they have recovered but occasionally have a line of coke.

Maybe her DH just said what everyone else was thinking?

Nothing constructive to add... but you were right with 'effect' MadMags

Part of recovery is 'owning' it. If your close cousin doesn't know are you owning it enough?

Have you been recovered (as in no alcohol) for at least 5 years?

I'm wondering if you felt ashamed/embarrassed? And have turned that into anger against your BIL.

for you. What you have to do is hard.

Perhaps your BIL is aware of the stress your alcoholism caused his DW, your sister, and doesn't want your immediate family to have to deal with it all again. You having a drink or 2 to throw people off the scent seems a totally skewed way of thinking. Your alcoholism may not have been evident to everyone, but your unhealthy relationship with drink will have. And still will be. Having a sober alcoholic at parties can be uncomfortable. Having an alcoholic there who is having 'just a couple' is very uncomfortable.

Aw man! Merchant, I thought I had it the first time then doubted myself!