Was I BU or were they?

[1drink]

I've NC, it's very identifying anyway but here goes.

It was my sister's birthday last week so on Saturday we all had a get together. I'm a recovered alcoholic. I can now drink 1 or 2 drinks and leave it be. I have no intention of ever getting 'smashed' again.

On Saturday my cousin was handing out glasses of Prosecco and handed me a flute. My sister's DH then said "What the fuck are you doing [cousin], [1drink] can't drink anything at all! You know she shit she's put [my DM] through these past few years." Cousin then apologised, looked embarrased as she had no idea and then took my flute away.

My aunt and uncle whom also had no idea then spent the rest of the evening watching me and asking what was going on. I now feel like my personal life has been put on show for all to glare mawkishly at. My sister knew about my alcoholism and I'm under no illusion that she kept it hidden from her DH but for him to show me up at like that really riles. I did send him a message saying that he was out of order and now sister thinks I was BU. I'm now wondering did they all know and I've just naively been thinking I managed this and got over it without my whole family knowing everything.

[user1496273889]

I have not drank alcohol for over twenty years, the taste just doesn't appeal to me at all. I have had many an evening out and party without drinking alcohol and nobody has looked at me funnily when I have told them I don't drink, in fact many congratulate me and say they couldn't do it themselves in a social environment and others just tell me not to remind them of their drunken behaviours the next day as I will be the only one who will remember it!
Nothing wrong with partying sober :)

[RiotAndAlarum]

I'm afraid your embarrasment doesn't come into it, just as others' embarrassment probably didn't come into it for you when you were drinking. Embarrassment, smoothing things over, and speaking in code are all enabling behaviours, and maybe your relatives just don't want ever to go back to it.

[Groupie123]

Regardless of whether they knew, calling you out in public like that was uncalled for.

Also it is possible to drink as much as you did and have everyone remain clueless. My ex-manager died of alcoholism (it came out she used to drink vodka in his water bottle) but nobody knew. She was able to hold it together.

It's also possible for some addicts to drink a few. The total abstinence method is what AA recommends, but if you take other forms of therapy and counselling then they don't. It all depends on the reasons behind your alcoholism.

[Troubleshootingforever]

I've been sober for a while now

How long?

[Troubleshootingforever]

Its impossible to consume 1L of vodka before midday and have no-one notice.

^^
This. Most definitely this.

OP part of recovery is owing it. Truly owning it. I get a sense there's an element of denial around for you? No acknowledgement that your behaviour when drinking has likely caused your family worry, hurt and anxiety in the past. No acknowledgement that for them to see you with a drink in your hand may bring all that anxiety up suddenly for them.
The pain to family that is caused by an alcoholic is enormous. Please don't underestimate that.

Also why why why are you dicing with having a few drinks if alcohol had such a grip on you before that you drank a litre of vodka before midday? Dangerous ground and can be a slippery slope. Recovering alcoholics are not still in denial and drinking.

This also seems to be a taboo subject for you regarding other people knowing... why not own it. Just say casually "oh no thanks I don't drink anymore". And if asked why you again casually can say "it became a bit of problem for me before so now I don't bother." Really what are you missing out on by not having those 2 drinks

You've done so well. But recovery unfortunately it's a work in progress and never ends

[StormTreader]

"What the fuck are you doing [cousin], [1drink] can't drink anything at all! You know she shit she's put [my DM] through these past few years."

There are discreeter, kinder ways of doing this than shouting about the shit someone has been put through.

[deffoncforthis]

Some really ignorant comments here, in my opinion. Whatever the reality of the OP's recovery, her BIL has no right to physically remove her glass and embarrass her in public with loud comments about her alcoholism. He was rude.

I actually disagree with regard to this specific issue.

Family and/or friends that have experienced the fallout of your alcoholism are completely justified in not allowing you to sit there drinking in front of them, it is really better for you and them if they don't, and since you have decided to pick their party for a relapse, it is not incumbent on them to shut up and swallow the truth to make you look good - again it is really better for you and them if they don't.

In the end there is practically zero chance of them curing your alcoholism with this, but sitting there and watching you drink in silence would not be passive, it would be a decision to hurt you and those around you.

[emmyrose2000]

I agree with RunRabbitRunRabbit

This is coming across as very self centred, OP, and not about how your alcoholism and resultant behaviour has affected other people over the years. It sounds like your BIL was having flashbacks to the horrible things you did in the past and was fearing a repeat performance at the party.

I know a couple of sober alcoholics. They wouldn't even attempt to have 'just one or two' as they know it'd be only a matter of time before it would lead to three, four, 10, 20.

The idea that you need to have a glass of alcohol in hand to stave off people pressuring you to drink is ridiculous. I don't drink as it tastes disgusting, yet I've never felt the need or pressure to pretend otherwise. It's called owning your decisions.

[junebirthdaygirl]

We have someone in extended family who is an alcoholic but sober for 3 years. If anyone in the family did that to him l would be absolutely shocked. People on the edge of family circle dont know but if they offered him alcohol he would always say no thanks. There is no way he would drink . So your bil was rude and out of order but you also should not be having one drink..You dont have to care what others think if you dont have a drink..Lots of people dont drink and they are not alcoholics. I think you were right to let your bil know he was rude. He could have been discreet. But you need to realise how anxious it makes family members seeing an alcoholic accept a drink.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

It's impossible to consume 1L of vodka before midday and have no-one notice.

What happens at midday? Most people would pass out and be asleep for the rest of the day. You can't hide that.

On the other hand, if you went on to drink even more, it's impossible to hide that too.

Everyone knew. Everyone knows. Accepting the odd drink here and there isn't wise.

Your BIL embarrassed you, but - gently - if you were perhaps more open and frank about things, you wouldn't need to worry about being outed, and you wouldn't need to worry about family members freaking out, on seeing you play out your little charade...

[JemandScout]

Your BIL was rude and inappropriate.

[Rhubarbginisnotasin]

Some really ignorant comments here, in my opinion. Whatever the reality of the OP's recovery, her BIL has no right to physically remove her glass and embarrass her in public with loud comments about her alcoholism. He was rude

Yes. Regardless of the rest of it that was down right ugly.

[WhatToDoAboutThis2017]

Your entire family knew already, OP, whether you want to acknowledge it or not.

Alcoholics are blindingly obvious, and it seems to me you care more about people knowing you are one than the shit you have put everyone through by being one.

He panicked and blurted out because of the shit you put people through; he didn't want to see it happen all over again.

You ought to be apologising to him, not having a go at him.

And I agree with pp; it doesn't sound to me like you're recovered at all.

[SuperBeagle]

There's no such thing as having "been" an alcoholic. An addict is an addict always. You can be in recovery for any period of time, but you will always be an addict. I have never known an alcoholic who could go on to drink moderately for the rest of their life. It's an addiction like any other. No one would rationally think that a heroin addict could get clean for a few years and then start using heroin "every now and then". Alcohol is no different.

[OliviaBenson]

He might have been rude but then how has the op behaved in the past which has embarrassed everyone/ also been rude when under the influence?

I also think you are in denial OP. Everyone will have known you were an alcoholic- it's really obvious.

My dad is an alcoholic. He's had periods where he was in recovery, only to then convince himself that he could cook with alcohol, or just have one as it was a special occasion. It didn't stop there.

You need to stop completely op and face up to the damage you have done to your family.

[Tootsiepops]

If you were drinking a litre bottle of vodka per day, there's not a chance you were hiding your drinking from anyone.

My brother was an alcoholic. He was a big bear of a man and had been drinking solidly for 10 years, but a litre bottle could still knock him sideways.

Well done on getting out of that place, but please be careful with your recovery. My brother didn't make it - he died a month before his 30th birthday.

[RadioGaGoo]

Wow RunRabbit, that is some real anger you are displaying there towards a stranger. Maybe you find it easier to be rude to an unknown than someone closer to home?

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

There's no such thing as a recovered alcoholic. There are only alcoholics who have been sober for X amount of time.

[marfisa]

I've heard of alcoholics recovering and being able to have the occasional drink, but by all accounts, this is very rare. AA says an alcoholic in recovery can't drink again, and this is clearly the safest way to play it.

That said, I think your BIL behaved appallingly. Recovery means that you face up to your addiction and to the people harmed by it -- not that you go round wearing a big label saying ALCOHOLIC. People have as much right to confidentiality about a past of addiction as they do to confidentiality about any other part of their medical and psychological history. There are loads of different ways BIL could have managed the situation. He could have said for instance, 'Ah, I don't know whether 1drink drinks prosecco? 1drink, what would you like? There's lemonade and apple juice..'

That's the kind of thing my friends would say to me (knowing I'm a sober alcoholic). What he said in your case was rude and disrespectful.

[EssieTregowan]

I'm an alcoholic and I successfully stopped drinking for a year. I was doing so well that I started having a couple here and there. It was great.

Until the first bad day I had, when I fell crashing back into old habits. That was two years ago. I have been drinking daily ever since, and am now two weeks into new sobriety.

I can NEVER drink again. There is no such thing as sensible drinking for me. And honestly, what's the point of one or two glasses? Have a glass of something delicious and non alcoholic instead.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

Yes I don't think it was malice. He was just trying to protect your SIL and yourself.

Tell the cousins and aunts that you're not going to discuss it with them. That part of your life is over.

[Chapterandverse]

I was under the impression that alcoholics were always recovering, never recovered.

My brother is a recovering alcoholic, he's been almost two years without a drink. He knows he can't touch it. I think if someone handed him a drink he would clearly refuse it.

But he has been very open with us from his problem came to light. He lost his wife to alcoholism.

Anything I have read with a view to supporting them both says alcoholics can never only have one or two drinks. To recover, you need to stop entirely.

I think your BIL reaction may have been out of concern rather than malice.

[deffoncforthis]

"Recovered". What does this mean.

To many, especially the people around an alcoholic, giving a recovering alcoholic a drink is like giving a former heroine addict a hit.

It's two signs of still being under the yoke of alcoholism if you still drink alcohol and believe it's fine, and if you resent people for speaking the truth about your alcoholism rather than owning it.

Good luck in your continuing fight against this potentially fatal illness. Hope you manage to stop drinking soon and stay off it

[LexieLulu]

Umm alcoholics cannot have "one or two". You would have to stay tee total to be "sober" again