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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL being stupid about allergies

61 replies

MILCrap · 26/06/2017 13:07

So Ds (2) has a delayed gluten allergy -throws up a lot after few hours. MIL invited family over the weekend for his birthday where she had pizzas, and all sorts of gluten stuff all over the place at really close proximity of my toddler.
I had already asked her to keep these stuff out of reach and have gluten free close to him, she agreed but she didn't do it! Boy screaming his head off as he wasn't allowed a pizza, cake and all that (I had brought my own but obviously he had to have what he wasn't allowed!). I ended up being locked away to keep him away. I repeatedly asked her to move these stuff a bit further but she wasn't having any... At the end I felt bad and I stopped asking I just kept him away in another room in his own party

I'm quite upset, she puts others above him! Her being a nice host is more important than my ds allergy! I don't get it she's supposed to be family... AIBU? WWYD in this case?

OP posts:
TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 26/06/2017 13:10

Why was she hosting his party? I would take back control for next year, you do the party, you do the food. It sounds like he had a miserable time at her house anyway!

Shoxfordian · 26/06/2017 13:10

If it was a big family party then it probably didn't revolve around your child to be honest.

I think it's up to you to keep your child away from food he can't have; maybe you could have fed him beforehand? I do think you're a little unreasonable

BertrandRussell · 26/06/2017 13:11

Sit down with her and show her the letter from his consultant. Make sure she understands.

Then discuss how you're going to manage things like parties in the future.

Original poster
MILCrap · 26/06/2017 13:12

She insisted on the party! Because she doesn't do much for her grandchildren anyway she wanted to have this party for him

Shox what do you mean it did t revolve around him? It was for him! How I can control a 2yo from grabbing cakes and pizzas right in front of him??

OP posts:
TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 26/06/2017 13:12

If it was a big family party then it probably didn't revolve around your child to be honest.

I understood it as being a party for his birthday. So perhaps it should revolve around him as it was his party.

Sirzy · 26/06/2017 13:12

It is hard though as you can't expect everything to be allergy free so as tough as it is he needs to realise he can't eat things.

Lilmy3 · 26/06/2017 13:13

Shoxfordian, but it was his birthday party

eurochick · 26/06/2017 13:13

It was a party for his birthday! It's surely not unreasonable to take his needs into account!

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 26/06/2017 13:16

It is hard though as you can't expect everything to be allergy free so as tough as it is he needs to realise he can't eat things.

He is only 2 though, he is still in the process of learning. Surely his own GM could have taken that into account at his own party?

SaucyJack · 26/06/2017 13:16

YANBU.

Why do pizza and cake of all things?!

Chips and ice cream would've been fine.

Urubu · 26/06/2017 13:17

I am on the fence about this one, I understand you POV but you need to keep in mind that she had other guests in mind as well.
Asking for all gluten food to be kept away is too much IMO, asking for a gluten free table is fine.
My DS is allergic to eggs, he had to see numerous buffets of cakes where only one was fine for him to eat - in these occasions I was just grateful the host took the time to bake one "just for him". Of course he wanted the other ones as well, but the solution is to explain the situation to him not to hide all the other cakes.

jay55 · 26/06/2017 13:17

I'd be pissed off if someone threw me a party and only included the foods I was allergic to.

But I'd be able to leave in a huff. A two year old can't and can't understand why they can't have anything. It was a cruel choice of party foods.

RiversrunWoodville · 26/06/2017 13:18

Argh that's awful for your DS op! As a child I was allergic to chocolate so he has my sympathies wrt being miserable at parties (thankfully I grew out of that one but am now allergic to meat and poultry so have become a very sudden and surprised vegetarian at 35 which makes family BBQs interesting "you ate it last year")
I think in a case like this I would be telling MIL in no uncertain terms that if she can't put her DGS first she won't be hosting anymore. You aren't being ungrateful but a child doesn't understand why something is put out that they can't have, especially at their own party. From experience this doesn't get easier for a good number of years so if Mil isn't going to co-operate then hosting isn't for her

BarbarianMum · 26/06/2017 13:19

Its a shame she's not more understanding or helpful. But this is the very worst age - he'll soon understand he cant have what others have. I'd avoid parties at hers until this happens (be sure to tell her why). And remember it's fine to leave a party/situation he can't cope with or that isn't safe for him.
Obviously you don't want him to miss his own party - so you need to host/organise it because this will be the only party that will be run to meet his needs.

MarcelineTheVampire · 26/06/2017 13:20

It was his birthday and he is 2 - I'm a bit baffled why some people think that the party shouldn't revolve around him and expect him To understand and accept he can't eat any of the food presented to him at his own party?

Your MIL was selfish and YANBU - don't let her host a party again.

Bonnylassie · 26/06/2017 13:21

My son is dairy and egg free due to his allergies. We have a big party at home for his birthday and his sisters birthday, all the kids food for both parties are free from his allergies. They also have a friend with a particular nut allergy non of the kids food contain her allergy either. Its a kids party its one of the few times I shouldnt have to tell him he can't eat food at his own party!

pringlecat · 26/06/2017 13:22

What a crap party. As has been said already, given this was a party in his honour, more consideration should have been given. Would have been slightly different if he wasn't the birthday boy.

Urubu · 26/06/2017 13:23

Oops sorry I missed that the party was for him! Definitely changes things

TakeMe2Insanity · 26/06/2017 13:25

Seriously it was his birthday, that should have been the one day that everything was gluten free for him to feel normal. He is only 2, that must be hard for him to understand.

Wolfiefan · 26/06/2017 13:25

I would expect his own party to be gluten free. BUT you're going to have a real issue with other people's parties. They won't be gluten free.

DrowningSeas · 26/06/2017 13:27

There seems to be a generational gap between those who just don't understand what an allergy is and sensible people

If it was me. I would ask once, then do it myself i wouldn't risk a sick child for the sake of being polite to someone with an absolute lack of respect

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 26/06/2017 13:27

My dc are vegetarian and I always hover over the table when there is meat things on offer too. Unfortunately it is up to you to monitor him until he is old enough to assess for himself I feel. Your mil is prob out of order this time as it was his party but ultimately this is how eating away for your own table is going to be.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 26/06/2017 13:28

What does your DH think? Did he speak to his Mum?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 26/06/2017 13:30

YANBU, do you think she enjoyed the drama? Does she have narcissistic tendancies?

Frankley · 26/06/2017 13:34

I love the Morrison's advert on TV. The little boy asks his Gran --What can I eat? She answers -Anything on a green plate. He realises everything (all gluten free) is on green plates. Your MIL is unreasonable, but I have found many people/cafes just think it is a choice and not a medical neccessity

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