Negging

[6079SmithW]

There's lots of talk about negging, but I'm not sure I really understand what it is or can spot when it's happening to me as opposed to someone just making a joke. (I'd like to think that I can laugh at myself as much as the next person, but I also know I can be over sensitive at times).
What counts as negging? How do I spot it? AIBU to not really understand?

Have you read Bridget Jones? When women do it, its called a jellyfish. Its intended as a put down, to make you feel less sure of yourself, or actively upset. Its a form of control.

If you can laugh it off, it was either a joke or failed negging attempt. If it makes you feel bad it was negging and it hit the mark.
You only need to worry about it if its someone trying to chat you up or someone you are in a relationship with. Its not something you do to people you respect.
One good tip from Gavin de Becker is to say no or turn someone down. If they take it badly, you did the right thing.

practicalfreespirit.com/2011/09/01/the-jellyfish-friend/

elitedaily.com/dating/why-negging-needs-to-stop/1666301/

Surely negging and all that pickup artist stuff is so exposed that at this stage it's a parody of itself.

It's like a card trick, which ironically these twats also encourage, but once everyone knows the trick it it's effectiveness is nil.

Anyone still engaged in that stuff are opening themselves up to ridicule

Surely negging and all that pickup artist stuff is so exposed that at this stage it's a parody of itself.

I don't agree with this. I think it's like all things. If it is done well and subtly by someone practiced in the art, you almost won't notice it - any more than you would notice well done NLP. It's subtle psychological manipulation.

Plenty of idiots have read The Game or a couple of websites and have a cack handed attempt which is always obvious.

My manager is a jellyfish.

Generally a backhanded complement. "I love your skirt, I've seen 2 other girls wearing it this evening"

An example of negging that happened to me many years ago from a witchy new colleague.

Colleague: I like your engagement/wedding rings.
Me (surprised): Er, thanks.
Colleague: It's a good thing you have really small hands because it makes the diamond look bigger than it is thank goodness!
Me: ?????? (speechless).

Thanks for the replies and DJ thanks for the articles too.

The issue I still have though is supposing someone makes a comment which really upsets you, how are you to know if they meant it in an upsetting way or whether you're just being over sensitive?

Rainbunny your colleague was just outright rude

how are you to know if they meant it in an upsetting way or whether you're just being over sensitive? Are you generally oversensitive or just with certain people? That's normally a good indicator.

Terry Lots of the time I'm ok. My DSis is always having a go and I can ignore her. It's people I don't know very well I tend to second guess. I suppose you can only tell in the end by observing people over time.

As a side point, I wonder if people who jellyfish/neg do it to everyone or just have a chosen few like a regular bully?

helpimitchy how does your manager behave?

Well, every day's a schoolday. I have learned two new expressions today. I have never heard of "negging" before, or "jellyfish" other than a blobby mass with tentacles that lives in the sea.

About 10 years ago I had a boyfriend who used to 'neg' me and say things that would make me but I couldn't articulate what it was that made me uncomfortable. Usually about my appearance or clothes. As soon as I read about negging I was like YES IT WAS THAT. I remember once he said something like 'You look stunning in that dress, it makes up for your accent.' (He used to tease me about my regional accent). It was all done under the guise of 'it's only a joke!' but it was only later when I had more confidence that I realised what a misogynistic bellend he was.

From what I've read, when used purposefully, negging is meant to reduce your confidence in a way that'll make you want to gain a man's approval. And sleep with him. Ugh.

you almost won't notice it - any more than you would notice well done NLP. It's subtle psychological manipulation

I know someone who lives her life by trying to subtly manipulate people with pseudo NLP. It's the reason I don't see her or many of our other friends anymore, I cringe at the way she does it and I cringe at the way some of the others seem to fall for it. Unfortunately for her she's not very good at it, so I'm not the only one who sees through it and she fairly often trips herself up and makes a fool of herself. No one tells her though.

Have just realised that my former flatmate is a jellyfish. I always just had her down as a passive aggressive bitch, but jellyfish is much more succinct!

My ex had a copy of the game and was convinced that the begging tactic would work he never tried it on me but I really don't understand why if someone you don't know said something even vaguely mean to you you would then want anything to do with them, let alone want to jump into bed with them. I would be entirely put off and not just because I know what negging is, if someone wants me then they should be bloody nice to me!

I cringe at the way she does it and I cringe at the way some of the others seem to fall for it. Unfortunately for her she's not very good at it, so I'm not the only one who sees through it and she fairly often trips herself up and makes a fool of herself. No one tells her though.

Yes - that was my point. If it's done badly (as is it often is because there are loads of pseudo science trainers and people trying it after having read one book), it is very apparent.

Derren Brown is an example of someone who does it very well and very subtly.

An simple example is if you ask someone "how fast was the car going?" as compared to "what speed was the car going at?" , on average you get a 10% higher speed response by using the word "fast" in the question. No one would notice the difference between those two questions asked naturally.

If you asked "how slowly was the car going?" (assuming you are not talking about a very low speed collision) you are flagging it up because that's a weird question. People don't normally ask how slowly a car was going.

If someone said "you weren't built for running" how would you take it?

Context: I hate running, I have huge boobs.

I get this a lot from a colleague I think. (Is this negging or just being a dick?)

Comments like: get Chilver on to them (regarding unpaid invoice on his client I have never had any involvement with), she's like a dog with a bone, she has the bark too'! Or

(regarding mistake by colleague on schedules) 'you sort it out Chilver, you can tell them to read their f diary like you'd say to me' all incorrect as I have never, and would never behave in such an unprofessional way and all done with a laugh and air that he is complimenting me.

As a result I'm currently looking for another job because it is constant and upsetting.

speedinglight that's definitely a comment on your boobs. If your DP said it that then ok, but if it were a colleague for example I'd be at bit

Chilver that sounds awful. I hope you find something new soon.

If you pull someone up on this kind of behaviour and they insist it is just their sense of humour would you believe them?

It was DP

At first I was a bit then I saw the expression on his face and cracked up laughing. And agreed. We were going to run for a bus at the time...we decided on a cab instead

Just wondered what others would think, whether it would cross a line for any others (I very probably have issues with boundaries due to being in some choice relationships in the past where I was mercilessly taken the piss out of)

If you pull someone up on this kind of behaviour and they insist it is just their sense of humour would you believe them?

Hard to say, it depends on the personality of the person, and their relationship to you. And your instinct on it.

I know what posters mean!

Oh I love your earrings, you must too as you wear them all the time
I love your bag, you use it all the time,is it the only bag you have?
I like the way you wear your hair, makes your face look that bit slimmer

Also, if it doesn't sit right with you, it doesn't matter if its just their sense of humour. What matters is how it made you feel.

What I find with people who 'neg' is that they can't take any sort of negativity back. So they can say whatever they like to you, and it's all a 'joke' but you say one vaguely negative thing to them and you're overreacting, you're a bitch, you've hurt their feelings.

DH and I have a well-worn set of insults we use on each other. We both know they're jokes and we both find it funny. If DH ever said he was upset by what I said I would stop straight away.

Subtly criticising someone is really nasty and cowardly. It's never acceptable.