Negging

[6079SmithW]

There's lots of talk about negging, but I'm not sure I really understand what it is or can spot when it's happening to me as opposed to someone just making a joke. (I'd like to think that I can laugh at myself as much as the next person, but I also know I can be over sensitive at times).
What counts as negging? How do I spot it? AIBU to not really understand?

If it's just their sense of humour then you can make a similar joke back and see how much they laugh.

So with Rainbunny's bitchy colleague she could have said "God, I know - imagine how much money you'd have to spend to get a diamond big enough to make your man hands look dainty!" My guess is that bitchy colleague would be upset because actually she was making a personal comment and can't take the same back.

Cross post with Sparrowhawk there who made the same point I did without sounding like a massive caaah.

Just spat tea at the "God, I know - imagine how much money you'd have to spend to get a diamond big enough to make your man hands look dainty!" comment

ha ha ha ha ha ha

Dodo.

My MIL is a terrible one for 'negging' but she does it because she has such low self esteem that she is entirely unable to express any sort of negative opinion in a healthy way. She feels she always has to be positive and upbeat so people won't hate her. Except she's very opinionated and judgemental so her real thoughts leak out all the time in the form of extremely rude comments. She doesn't even seem to realise she's doing it. If anyone is in any way negative back to her it's the end of the world and everyone despises her. It's fucking exhausting.

I like my man hands - I can do chin ups and stuff. They're nice and big compared to the rest of me!

Why is it bad to wear your favourite earrings a lot or have a skirt that other people out in town are wearing too?
If someone used that sort of thing on me to be a bitch or to neg or anything else it would go straight over my head and I'd just go away happy.
Yes I do wear these often.
Oh two other women have great taste like me.
That's all I'd think.

I may also have man hands GeekLove - sadly I'm appalling at chin ups but it's very useful for stretching a full octave on the piano...

I got this from a guy trying to chat me up.

"I find girls in glasses very sexy, you know there are some very attractive styles of designer frames out there that you could try..."

I laughed in his face, told him I was wearing Prada frames (true) and he could get stuffed with his poorly executed attempt at negging. He went off with his tail between his legs, but not before expressing surprise that I knew what negging was. He was really unattractive (to me) too, why do they resort to that kind of shitty behaviour? It doesn't work on anyone with the slightest iota of confidence.

I think negging is when someone says something like "It's so cute, when you smile, you can really see your laughter lines!" or "It's so great that you feel comfortable wearing a swimsuit at your size! You must be really confident!"

The idea is to take you down a peg while hiding what they're doing.

Sorry I may be slow but what is negging?

Negging is a technique used by a "pick up artist" (lol) to get in a subtle little dig or two at a woman who they think isn't yet receptive to their game. The idea is to throw her off balance a bit, make her feel less special so that she wants the PUA's approval. It's basically trying to get someone to sleep with you via back handed compliments.

It tends to be adopted by rather unappealing people who harbour huge grudges against the whole female population for previous perceived slights and rejections.

It's a way of being nasty and trying to get 'one up' on one as many women as possible.

They also tend to go home alone as honestly, it's repulsive behaviour. They reveal their nasty attitude to life, people and their own over valued selves, as they don't do it well, especially as they get more and more angry and drunk.

I actually find it really pitiful that these men are setting themselves up for more failure as they attempt a way of interacting which is extremely hard to pull off.

I suspect the negging aficionados don't like the men that they are claiming to initiate into the club much more than the women they want to take down.

The traditional neg is "Normally I don't like [insert feature], but it looks nice on you", and men do still try it

A guy I know does this. Goes to conferences etc on this and arguest it's fantastic. He'll say it gives average guys a chance with really good looking women. Sp I asked why he thinks he served a good looking woman. It really really annoys me.

What I find with people who 'neg' is that they can't take any sort of negativity back.

This. With bells on.

Someone once said to me 'that dress looks lovely. From a distance' ...

Cheeky mare!!

Boss picks my coat off the peg turns it and says "This is lovely, suits you so well. It's a size 10 though, I do wish they didn't do this vanity sizing nonsense" Erm, thanks I suppose?

If someone said "you weren't built for running" how would you take it? Context: I hate running, I have huge boobs.

In the context you describe, I'd think it was just trying to make you feel better about not being very good at running.
That's how I'd take it if coming from another woman, at least. Probably same with your DP?

If someone used that sort of thing on me to be a bitch or to neg or anything else it would go straight over my head and I'd just go away happy.

Me, too.
Or I would realize they were trying to insult me, (because I read a lot and therefore sometimes know about such weird things some people feel insulted by) and pretend I didn't notice.
"Yes, I only have this one bag, it's great, isn't it? Fits all occasions! So much more practical than buying a bunch of them! Glad you noticed!"

I had someone try to recommend an anti-wrinkle cream to me because "It'd be a shame if you lost your beauty".
Not even sure he intended to "neg" or just felt really obsessed about my looks, was a weird dude.

I suppose it works on some women, who haven't much self-esteem to begin with, and base their entire feeling of self-worth on what men think of their looks.

But for the average woman, it just kills any attraction.

Oh I wish I'd known this was a thing when I was younger.

eg ''you're hot for a short girl with british teeth''

Haha. by this token I must have been a veritable goddess at High School!
I just thought it was standard bullying with some extra sexual harassment - never thought it could be mistaken for courtship. Sadly for many people it seemed to work!

"Normally I don't like [insert feature], but it looks nice on you",

No no no tell me this isn't negging - i have said this and been very genuine about it

Paul Calf "What your daughter lacks in looks, she makes up for in stamina."

JeffVadersMum, when they do it in a negging way, you can tell. I'm sure the people you've said it to knew you were genuine.

The idea is they make you think something about you is undesirable e.g. brown eyes, then make myself look better by expressing that they like your brown eyes anyway

oh ok then - i've done it with clothes (never with features) as in 'i dont normally like those kinds of tops, but it looks really nice on you'

(thats ok????)

I was 'friends' for a couple of years with a jellyfish and always came away from our meet ups feeling down and not great about myself and wondering why, until I cottoned on to the jelly fishing! The comments were so small and subtle, and disguised as a compliment, but were actually barbed and acidic and designed to make me feel like shit!

One day we were talking about uniforms at the schools our DCs went to and I said something along the lines of DD's blazer being washable and was her DCs school blazer washable, and she sort of did an eyes narrowed, head tilty "Aww bless" expression and said something along the lines of "No, theirs aren't washable, but they go to a good school".

Plus there were always loads of comments about my youngest child, making out that he was some kind of dunce and that her youngest, of the same age, was some kind of genius. And the comments about my appearance, dressed up as friendly, caring concern: "Wow I can't stop staring at the dark circles under your eyes, are you sure everything's ok and you're not ill and that you're getting enough sleep?", or "Ouch, that spot looks awful and so sore, bless you trying to cover it up like that, all that foundation caked on it, you've tried so hard". When it'd be a tiny little pimple that I'd not even noticed and had just put my foundation on as normal!

I ditched her BTW!

Come to think of it, a family member that I cannot avoid is behaving more and more like a jellyfish towards me at the moment, with lots of put down comments about my clothes dressed up as compliments. And a mum from DD's school year always used to do it to me too when she saw me on school runs, still does if I see her in town and haven't hidden to avoid her!

I think I must just be a Jellyfish-attractor!

Just don't say the "I don't normally like x, but" before saying "this is a nice top", JeffVadersMum. That way, it can't be misinterpreted.