Who is BU - friend or the school?

[Momzombie]

DD starts high school in September. They have just been told what class they will be in. One of her friend's mums has gone ballistic because she apparently supplied the school with lists of children she would like her DD to be placed with as well as children her DD has issues with and did not want to be with. School have ignored these lists - she has been placed with none of her friends but 2 children from the blacklist!

She has complained but school have said they will not change the classes, that doing the classlists is a logistical challenge and they made it clear from the outset they could not guarantee children would be with friends (true). This mum is not backing down and wants me and others to contact the school to support her case.

Thing is, I'm happy with the class my DD has been given. I'm secretly glad she's not with this girl as she can be very difficult and I think it would be good for her to make new friends.

So, what do I do???? Arghhhh

At our school they got to choose one friend to be with - that way most people get their choice. I think that's a strange thing to do - ask not to be with a list of people; quite offensive really. We all have a few in our mind we're hoping they won't be with - but you can't go writing lists like that.

I wouldn't get involved myself - this isn't a great wrong doing by the school imv.

purple
It Wouldn't be strange if she had been bullied perhaps, or she wasn't neurotypical, or suffered from anxiety/other MH issues.

I will admit it's weird if she's just a precious mum with a little snowflake.

As someone who had to deal with this logistical nightmare for several years, your friend will already have been marked out as one of 'those' mums, if she went ballistic.

There are children arriving from lots of different schools sometimes. You ask the children for suggestions and you ask the primary school too. You look at the children that don't know anyone and try to put them together because they're in the same boat. You look at the ability spread and try to make it equitable across the tutor groups. You try to make sure that the children have at least one friend they have mentioned, but you also have to be conscious of a boy/ girl split.

You juggle it all and then discover that it works, except for one group. You try again and again and again and in the end you go for best fit.

It is not an exercise that is undertaken lightly and it does literally take hours and hours and hours. Oh- and when they come for their induction day, they're put in a group for that day. It isn't their tutor group because that hasn't been finalised yet. No matter how many times you explain that it is for ONE day only, there are always plenty of phone calls at the end of the day.

Keep out of it is my advice. If it turns out that there is a group that doesn't gel (and sometimes it does) changes can be made at a later date.

When I sort out form groups, the advice of the primary school ALWAYS trumps that of the kids or parents.

Sounds like she is someone a lot of people want to avoid.

To be clear, neither we or the kids were asked to provide a list. This mum did without being asked. She gave 2 lists - one of kids her DD gets on with, the other of kids she doesn't. The latter was somewhat bigger I believe!

My DD is with one child from primary, not a close friend. Some seem to be with several from primary, others with none! Clearly which school you come from & who your friends are was low priority when doing these class lists!

Flamingo - if that were the case, wouldn't you just make an appointment to go and discuss it beforehand?

Logistically they couldn't possibly accommodate everybody to that extent. They'd be there weeks.

She's unreasonable the way she's going about it.

However from my experience:
Dd2 is classed as a vulnerable child due to medical conditions. The secondary school requested from the primary the names of at least a couple of close friends.

I had a meeting due to her SEN beforehand and I asked who the school had put her with as I was little concerned as she had a very close friend whose dm had just let me know that they were moving away (but she hadn't told school yet) and I thought she might well have been put down as a friend who, if she then wasn't coming, would leave dd2 on her own.

Primary school had put down as her "close friends" one who she'd had no contact at all during primary (150 children a year so they don't know everyone well) and one child who she'd had minor issues with all the way up.

My jaw dropped when told as I really couldn't see how they could have said that-random would almost certainly have been better.
Now the SEN teacher offered to move the child she'd had issues out of the form, and I made a huge mistake. I didn't want to make a fuss, and also felt that maybe the other child would be okay at secondary and also that maybe it was unfair on her that she might well be moved to a form she knew no one. SO I said don't worry.

This time last year dd2 was suicidal due to the bullying from this child.
She moved form, had CAHMS involvement and had been fine until a couple of weeks ago when it's come up again.

I really wish I'd had the confidence to say at the time that I did want the other child moved, as they could have moved her to the other half of the year and then they'd have had no contact.

If I am in that situation with dd2 or another of my dc again I will be prepared to make a fuss and I don't care if it makes me one of those mums. The difference it has made to dd2 I suspect will stay with her for the rest of her life.

My middle child is moving on to secondary school this year and the primary schools do not ask children who they would like to be with. The schools though DO make recommendations - although along the lines of "Keep Claire and Connie apart, total nightmare" or "Steven has bullied Sam consistently, separate them". Also my child has a friend on the autistic spectrum - this child will struggle more with transition to secondary than others. So the parent was asked to list a couple of people she'd like her child to be with and the school said they would do what they could.

Your friend is being ridiculous.

Good grief, steer well clear of this woman and quietly celebrate that your DD isn't with her.

As for it being important that yr7s are with at least one friend... am I the only one with a DD who'll be starting a new school where she knows no-one??

Fwiw, I have no doubt that she'll be happy and settled and friended-up within about 5 mins because she's excited at the new opportunity and sees it as nothing but a positive.

Wtf? She provided this list without being asked?! Jeez.

Firstly, yy to what everyone else has said - schools don't need this shit.

Secondly, has it occurred to the mother that the girls on her list maybe didn't want to be in the same class as her daughter? Maybe their mothers sent lists too and were hoping their daughters wouldn't be in her class.

That's why this kind of list causes problems. No school could possibly accommodate all requests and many requests might actually contradict each other.

Witchend
I'm so sorry to hear about your DD
This was exactly the context I was referring to. Logistical nightmare or not, this has the ability to make or break a child and in my opinion that's more important.

Obviously though the op's DC shouldn't have to be with anyone they don't want either x

Sorry but she is pathetic.

Sounds like the mum is going to find the transition pretty hard going. We have a friend like this - she is in the school every week about one "problem" or another.

You really need to keep right out of it, and let the school sort it.

This woman is clearly batshit. She needs to back off and accept that the school has done what they see is best for ALL the children. Her precious little snowflake will be just fine. My son who is ASD went to a different secondary school from his primary class mates so knew nobody in his year group never mind his class. He was put into a really lovely class and settled within weeks.

I'm LOLing about what my sons' school's reaction would be if I gave them such a list. If they didn't just outright laugh in my face they'd file it in the circular filing cabinet the minute I walked out the door.

My kids had visits from their senior schools when in year 6, one of the things they did was write a list of who they would like to be with and every child was promised they would be with at least one of their friends. My DD had been badly bullied at primary school and I requested that she not be with any of the kids from her class at primary school. It was no big deal and I can't imagine why asking for her not to be with kids who had made her life a misery for 3 years would mark me as "that parent". If the school couldn't see that was setting up problems I don't think it would be a school I would choose.

At the same time OP it isn't your problem.

I don't think it's something you should or need to get involved with. However, some schools will try to keep some children apart if there has been a history of bullying so I don't think it's unreasonable to request that your child be put in a different class. A list of children that they 'don't really get along with' is a bit OTT though!

That reads terribly! I don't think it's unreasonable of someone to make a request that their child be put in a different class to someone who has bullied them in the past.

granny having a legitimate reason to request to not be placed with certain pupils is not the same as making demands. Nobody would label someone 'that parent' if the request and reasons were reasonable. I'm sure you will appreciate that many high schools might struggle to place one children away from say 30 or 60 others. I'm glad it worked out for your child though.

This is so weird! When my son moved to secondary school, they deliberately put children from the.same primary school in different classes! It's a grammar school so they did all of their lessons in form groups. It's been perfectly fine.

This woman is certainly something special, isn't she? OP, do you have any idea what the criteria was for other pupils to end up on her 'do not want' list? Unless they were bullying her DD then she is being beyond ridiculous. That said, maybe the kids on the 'naughty list' are the lucky ones if they do end up being placed away from the crazy woman's kid.

I have no idea how the classes were designed at my kids' secondary schools. I never really gave it much thought TBH, although I do think subject selection came into it a lot.

I think it's fair enough for parents to approach the school if their child has had tremendous problems being bullied by certain child/ren in the past, but other than that, they need to just let the school get on with the job. It's bad enough trying to work out classes when you're actually acquainted with the kids. It must be an absolute nightmare trying to do it for the first year of high school when it's probably just a lot of guess work and hoping you get it right!

I think it's good to be with one friend.
I was deliberately split up with my friend and to be honest I never really made another close friend at secondary school.

It is unfair she has been selected from her friends - but her mum cannot dictate the minor detail of trhings and it's really nothing to do with you so would just step away from it

We have a parent at our school who sounds a bit like her.

After every tiny hiccup in her child's day she insists on huge meetings to unpick every second of what happened, dissect and judge every element of everyone's reaction with her daughter being the poor innocent and everyone else's child being the devil incarnate. Her child of course is incredibly annoying and disobedient but lies all the time to her parents about things. She will always be "silently getting on with her work" when the teacher picks on her for no reason. But then if you had her parents, who make a massive production out of every second of her life, wouldn't you lie?