To struggle with being a mother

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Name changed, people are on here and know my situation personally.

3 months in & omg it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

When he cries, when he fights going to sleep, when I have to go in and out, when I have to stop doing what I'm doing to put his dummy back in.......I feel like my insides suddenly twist in actual pain when I hear him cry.

Single mother doing it without the help of his DF.

Help from DM only have no other family.

I hate going to sleep solely because I know I have to get up and do it all again, I know people say it gets easier but right now I just want to pack a bag, get in my car and disappear!

I get told constantly I have to just get on with it, this is the life I have and basically tough luck....I say the same thing to myself all the time but it doesn't make it easier to deal with on my own.

I'm drowning & I can't ask for help because il be branded post natally depressed, a mother who clearly cannot cope and should have her DS taken off of her.

Why is it socially acceptable to leave the family and only see the DC every other weekend but if I rang SS and said "I'd like someone else to care for my DS and I visit him every other weekend" I'd have him removed from my care and adopted 😣

I'd be classed as mentally unstable & would deserve to have my DS removed! Why is it soooooo unfair??

Yes I had sex, okay, I fell pregnant but I didn't plan for anything that happened after to actually happen! He left, not me, I planned my entire life with him 😔

Sorry! Just need a rant, I'm so bloody deflated, stressed and exhausted with the sole responsibility on my shoulders.

The very fact that you've come here for a rant shows that you are resourceful.

It does get easier. You and DS are still getting to know each other.

Hang in there. It's bloody hard but it's worth it. You are doing everything you can for him. Nobody is perfect. You've got the basics down fine.

Yes you are knackered. But you are also now a Mum.
And that is special.
You are your sons world.
Keep going.

Oh OP.
So many of us on here will be able to relate to what you are going through. It is very, very common.

That doesn't change things for you but you'll get tons of support and advice from a million parents who have been there, survived... and can prove that it does indeed, get easier.

You are already brilliant. Despite every bone in you wanting run away from the utter relentlessness of those early days, you haven't. You get up. Get on. And get through. And you've done it alone for four months. That makes you pretty amazing right there.

Being a parent for some of us is the hardest thing we have ever done or will ever do. It's made harder as its one of those life choices that you can't undo.

So honestly, no one will try and take your baby away for feeling utterly ground down.

Get on the Internet and find as much support as is on offer in your area. You'll find if you can reach out, get out and speak out, you'll find the nights alone easier to cope with. Try as many baby groups, parent meet ups, coffee morning s as you can stomach until you find something that you enjoy.

Many, many people feel like you do now. You'll feel better for finding people who get where you are zooming from so you feel able to get things off your chest.

Don't despair. Day by day, imperceptiy, things will change. Good luck. X

And I mesnt 'coming from' not 'zooming from' damn you, autocorrect!

"I can't ask for help because il be branded post natally depressed, a mother who clearly cannot cope and should have her DS taken off of her." - That's just not true. You can ask for help - you may well have PND and all that means is that you'll get treated appropriately in a way that gets you feeling more like yourself so that you can cope more easily. No-one's going to take your DS off you. Becoming a parent is overwhelming and relentless and bloody hard work - and if you need more help then go and see your GP and explain how you're feeling. It will get better, I promise.

I'm drowning & I can't ask for help because il be branded post natally depressed, a mother who clearly cannot cope and should have her DS taken off of her.

You won't, you know. Utterly crappy, neglectful parents keep their children because SS are so overstretched. And while you may have PND, it's perfectly possible you don't and that you just feel terrible because being a mother to a three-month-old is just awful for a lot of people, even those with supportive partners.

I didn't have PND, I just hated every second of the first few months. I kept googling foster and adoption services. I once walked out of the house at 3 am. My main thought was how to rectify the appalling mistake I had made, and for DS to have someone who would love him and look after him properly - and this was a planned baby. What we didn't plan was that DH was made redundant a week after DS was born, and had to grab the first job he could find in a very thin field, which was a hugely-demanding, long-hours-and-weekends affair a lengthy commute away. He did his best, but I hardly saw him.

Talk to your GP/HV/anyone through whom you can access some support. Your baby won't be taken away. And you're not in the least unreasonable for feeling this low. It's a horrifically difficult time. I can hardly bear to remember it now DS is five and I adore him, and only wish I had realised when I was alone and panicking at 2 am that I would eventually fall in love with him. But it took ages.

Try not to panic. You're not abnormal. You may or may not have PND, but anyone would struggle with suddenly finding themselves a single parent to a newborn. It will eventually get better, but get yourself some help now. No one will deem you an unfit mother.

I didn't have PND, I just hated every second of the first few months. I kept googling foster and adoption services. I once walked out of the house at 3 am. My main thought was how to rectify the appalling mistake I had made, and for DS to have someone who would love him and look after him properly

I feel like you can read minds.....I've been doing the EXACT same thing!

I left to put the rubbish out & couldn't bear to go back in, it took me several attempts to finally go in & act calm.

When my DM has him, I literally breath a sigh of relief, knowing I've no bottles, no nappies, no crying to deal with.....I'm just me for a few hours.

I was diagnosed with PND with DS1 after feeling very much the way you describe. (Although I'm not suggested you do have PND) I felt exactly the same as you but after breaking down to my HV and GP I actually felt very, very supported. I was put in touch with the right people and the right treatment very quickly and, although it wasn't an over night fix, things got better. The main thing I remember is never once being made to feel like I was an unfit mother.

Being a parent to a 3 month old can be horrible, I too used to cry whenever he cried and not see the point in going to bed. The main thing is you are seeking advice (posting on here) and you clearly care about your baby. You are not an unfit mother, you need to be kind to yourself and never be afraid to speak to someone about how your feeling.

being a mum is so so tough. In a lot of ways it gets easier, new challenges arise but on the whole it gets less relentless. I felt just like you do at the same point with both my two and the best thing I did was get in touch with my local childrens centre. they have bee incredible!

Im a very lone single mum of a 2 year old and an 8 month old, always happy for a chat if you need to talk babies or just inane rubbish.

Can't add to what's already been said, but how you feel is 100% normal. More new mums feel like you than not!

It will get better, and soon.

Look after yourself, and try to get some 'me' time.

If you can't get much, go for a few long walks with baby. Or take baby swimming.

I feel so bad because I actually just sit and think "I could cope if I just spent my life drunk", I've actually started smoking again already!

I'm not even a drinker but when I get time to myself I make sure I drink! It's like I have to make sure I make the most of my time off.

It's really hard being a mum. Especially the first few months. And yeah, it is shit that some men basically dump all responsibilities on the mum. But you are doing a good job. And it will get better. Please speak to your health visitor first thing on Monday. In the meantime, can your mum watch baby for you to get a few hours break.

Being a mum is bloody hard, let alone on your own. Sounds to me like you need some quality you time. Is it possible to get this weekly? Would your mum take your little one one night a week? Remember she has been through it all before, probably with the support of a partner.. she will understand 100%. Ask for help, there's is no shame in it, just shows you are a good mum as you recognise that sometimes you need some help. Big hugs to you 😘 It also does get better, I promise.

OP I think I know who you are from earlier posts? I am so proud you have kept soildering on. I recognise so much of what you are saying and I have a fantastic support system so I really feel for you. It's so hard and the one life decision you can never take back.

Well I was never diagnosed with PND and found motherhood with a baby & toddler fucking bloody boring and awful 95% of the time. Never again. The sheer relentlessness of it - being a slave, basically.

But they do grow up and you see their little personality develop and the love deepens, and it becomes ok. It you're anything like me it'll get better and more manageable x

Those first three months especially are the absolute hardest! I promise you, it does get easier. I had a friend who had her baby about the same time as me but was a single mother. All throughout those first three months I obsessively said to my partner I don't know how she does it, she's incredible etc because I found it really fucking right tough even with having a really supportive partner who could give me a bit of respite! There are some really dark and low moments in motherhood, but you are really, honestly doing really fucking well. Hv's etc are there to help and support you, please speak out about how you're feeling - it's not out of the ordinary and you won't have your baby taken away just cos of how you're feeling atm. To be honest I am so so glad to be out of the newborn stage, it really wasn't all enjoyable and the sleep deprivation was killer. But everything is just a phase and it does pass, honestly (everyone kept saying that to me at the time but I didn't believe them then, ha!).

Thank you all for your supportive & very very kind words!!

My mum takes him when she can, I just feel so guilty because I have to take a deep breath before I go & get him knowing the shit storm is about to start again.

When I plan in advance as to when she has him, I honestly count down every hour until il be me again.....I actually get very excited, shouldn't I want to be around no one but my DS??

People ask me "how's motherhood?"

My reply??

"Absolutely shit, I wasn't prepared for how insanely relentless and hard it would be".

It is fecking hard work but I promise you are nearing the end of the real shitstorm. Cliched as it is, it does get easier, they do get more fun and you settle in to it all.
I remember after I had my second, who was a real whinger, going over to my lovely MIL's for some respite. She had 9 children (!!) and said to me 'I always thought after each baby if I'd remembered how bloody awful those first few months are, I'd never have done it again'. But she did and we do and that's because it gets better and easier and you get enjoyment that you never dreamed of from them. Good luck.

It DOES get easier. The first few months are the hardest, but it's all new and it's bloody hard work! My DH wasn't supportive at all and I was basically doing everything on my own, which was totally draining. Hang in there. You're doing great

You are doing doing so well! Everything you have described is just how I felt in the newborn days. I had/have a husband and we were both on our knees at times, it's so hard. The fact you are doing it alone is amazing I think. Don't feel guilty about how you feel, and don't feel guilty about needing a break. I can relate so much to the feeling of dread at facing another day of repetition. I remember feeling sick from about 4 in the afternoon at the thought of the bedtime routine and all it entailed. Anyway, I just thought I would chip in and let you know it sounds as though you're doing a smashing job and you should go easy on yourself.

I'm no mind-reader, Checking, just trying to reassure you I felt precisely that awful. It's like a bomb growing off in the middle of your life, and if you're naturally solitary, independent-minded and work-focused, as I am, I think it may be even harder. You're never alone. No, I don't think all mothers, or anywhere near, only want to be with their babies. All I wanted was to be by myself.

You may not find it easy to believe at this dark patch, but you will be exactly the person you used to be again, parenthood more normal, and the love for your baby will come in time. Got the help you can now, though. Very best wishes.

Also, I sure as he gets older you will enjoy spending more time with him. 3 months is still so young and if you are at home all day with him it can be so draining. For me, maternity leave was the worst time ever!

OP I am not a single parent , I have 4 children under 7 and DH is in the forces and so works away for months at a time.

My ds1 & 2 were very " high needs" and basically cried about 15 hours a day with undiagnosed reflux and no other family to help at all.

It is very hard and without a doubt the first 6 12 months are the worst without a doubt.

Do everything you can to help, ask the HV, your mum, even look into a childminder or nursery for a few mornings a week as this was my life line with no family support.

All my friends had very easy going babies and partners who were home by 5pm or worked 4 days a week , had all 4 grandparents helping out on a daily basis etc and had no clue how difficult it can be to truly struggle.

You are not alone and you are doing a great job

On a side note where is the father? why is he not having any contact? Start off as you mean to go on if he is not a risk he should be having some contact. I hope you are claiming CMS too x

Everyone struggles with being a mother - do not believe anyone who tells you otherwise. They are lying! We all out a good face on it to those on the outside, but no-one has a smooth ride in this new role.

I struggled many times, especially with my first - and I had a supportive husband by my side - so it is not surprising that you are finding it hard.

Take every bit of help and support that is on offer - from your Mum and also from HV and other HCPs. These folk have been Mums themselves in the main and they know how tough it can be. Things will change and the rewards of parenthood will gradually become apparent. Hang on in there and give it time.

Relentless is it in a nutshell. The constant, always, non stop having to be 'on', having to be responsible for a vulnerable little life. It's utterly exhausting. You are absolutely not alone. You are not in any way 'bad' for feeling like this. You just need a break from the relentlessness in order to function. We all do, it's completely natural. You have your DM to help you so do see that you have a great support in that. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I often feel that some days it's just about surviving