To think this is actually a Millstone not a favour?

[EssieTregowan]

I will preface this by saying it's not a PIL bashing thread at all, they are wonderful and mean well.

They are obsessive gardeners. Their garden is utterly amazing, the sort that could be opened to the public.

Our garden was up until a few weeks just grass and patio, which suited me brilliantly as I am not a gardening person. I always buy a few ready planted pots in the summer, but that's my limit.

A few weeks ago they came over with their tools and six shrubs that they'd lovingly grown for us. Dug out a couple of borders and planted them. They assured me it would all look after itself. I was quite happy with this, and very grateful obviously.

They wanted to come over today to replant my pots as they consider buying plants a waste of money (fair enough).

But they've actually planted loads in the garden as well! MIL took me round and told me what needs dead heading, that it all needs watering at least twice a week, what needs digging out in the autumn and what can be left etc etc.

Now, I'm really not trying to be ungrateful but this is not at all what I wanted. It's the opposite of the low maintenance garden we discussed. The shrubs were all nicely spaced so the bit of weeding needed was a doddle. Now there's all sorts of different things mixed in and I'll have no idea what's meant to be there or not.

I had left them to it (DH was helping them) so didn't realise until it was too late. I was obviously outwardly very grateful and enthusiastic when they proudly showed off all their hard work, but inwardly crying with exhaustion at the thought of it all.

I know the obvious answer is to leave it all to dh but he works crazy hours and I'm a SAHM so that wouldn't be fair.

This is just a whinge really and I'll suck it up. But AIBU to think it's not really a favour when it involves ongoing hard work for me?

They've been well meaning but forced their thoughts and likes upon you and your home and I would be annoyed by it too. I like looking at pretty gardens, my dad spends a lot of time tending to his established garden, but I have zero interest in filling my own garden with plants that need tending to. We have a large lawn that needs mowing regularly and we have planted some seeds with the kids in a small area for them to learn about and that's my limit really!
If your husband was present when it all happened, long hours or not he needs to pull his weight maintaining it.

I'm glad I live in a flat, I have enough 'mental load' without adding gardening to it
To me gardening is work not recreation

I sympathise- you're not into gardening and you didn't ask for it. If you don't enjoy gardening then the maintenance will just seem like ANOTHER domestic chore to add to your list..
However, I would say just do what you can.... go out in the garden when the weather is nice and your children are playing out. Just potter for half an hour every now and then. You might even get into it! Sounds like your PILs will step in if it gets too untidy..

I'm with you OP, it's a millstone, however kindly meant.

Don't weed. Buy a bag of chipped bark and put it down thickly on any bits of bare earth, at least 3 inches deep.

Keep telling PIL " I need it to be low maintenance" . This is hard because what you mean by this and what they hear are two different things. I say this as a keen gardener. They hear " one or two hours a week " when you mean " nothing ".

You want lots of shrubs as they are easy. Mostly just need pruned twice a year and you can get PIL to do this, because if you do it at the wrong time you won't get any flowers . This is a good excuse not to do it yourself.

Tell them no more herbaceous perennials unless they are low maintenance. You can joke and say you don't have green fingers / kill plants looking at them.

It's hard for those of us who really love plants to understand that others see them as a chore. A bit like children.

Gah MIL does this - every time she comes up she has her car boot full of plants and vegetable growing shit.
She's adamant we are going to have a massive veg patch. Our garden is tiny and I'd far rather have a swing there but no, we have Fucking courgettes instead.

NavyandWhite I swear serial killing cannibal zombies would sound like lovely in laws to you!

Forgot to say - you only need to water anything that's been planted this summer. After this autumn you don't need to water anything except the pots you did yourself .

Plants in pots ( unless they are the size of a half barrel) are high maintenance as they need fed and watered for ever.

Of course they've forced things on the OP. She's forced herself to be kind to them about it, but clearly they have gone beyond what was originally discussed.

Yes, the PILS may come along and do the work for her, but really, it's the assumption made that what they like, the OP will like. They really haven't taken her views onboard at all and that is really thoughtless.

Her DH is also thoughtless here. He was helping his parents and didn't take a moment to think on what needed doing and crucially, who was going to do it.

The OP has been landed an additional chore, taking time away from what she wanted or needed to do elsewhere.

You need to talk to your SH and get him to tell his parents to back off.

DH.

I have no idea who your SH is.

Sexy Husband maybe ? Stupendous Husband ?

Depending on the existing relationship between OP and PIL, it's either thoughtlessness (a lot of people assume that what they like, other people will like as well, they just have to be 'shown' the whatever it is) or it's controlling (you are not behaving in a way they consider appropriate. You must be trained, like a dog, to perform certain tasks and spend your time in the way they, not you, see fit.)

A lot of people who think a family member should be spending time on a particular activity that the person either has no interest in or actively dislikes, think they can make this happen by spending money on the relevant equipment and dumping it on the person as a 'gift', thinking this will make the person obey, because it's unacceptabe to refuse or ignore a gift.

I would just leave it tbh. Is actually watering a garden a Thing now? Surely it doesnt need it, it rains practically every day here. I have never done anything to my garden, I am ill, and have no interest in gardening. I pay a man to cut the grass and hedges during the summer and thats it.

it is not something you have asked for so just leave it and dont feel guilty about it, I wouldnt

I don't think it is thoughtlessness, I suspect it's them genuinely thinking that they're setting up a low maintenance garden.

Someone else said that many shrubs needs lots of care in the first year but then every year after, can live without any involvement from you. This is probably what your IL's are thinking.

I'd do what Invisiblekitty suggests and just do it if you remember it and can be arsed and if not, don't worry about it. What survives survives and what dies, dies.

That's my general approach to gardening and it means that I've got lots of grass and long-standing shrubs and very little else it works for me.

Navy, the op probably feels like she had to say yes to what was proposed has to keep on top of it out of politeness and that's not really fair is it?

My garden is my own personal space to enjoy with my dh and dc, it would stop being my personal space if I felt put upon by my FIL to have it how he wants it, however well meant it was.

I'd just leave it tbh, not to purposely snub but just because I'm shit at gardening and really don't enjoy it.

Most will probably thrive and for the stuff that doesn't it sounds like your PIL will be more than happy to sort when they're visiting.

I'm sure that's the case Navy, the op pretty much says that herself. However, I'll bet if op doesn't keep the garden how her pil would like it kept there will be resentment building up.

Sorry - only read the OP's posts. I have this to a small scale with my neighbours and garden too. I have no guilt about only doing what I want to do - if the plants they have foisted on me die because I haven't watered them or it looks a bit messy because I haven't bothered to dead head or weed then so be it - I want low maintenance and no need to water unless its a drought. (Oh and they do know I want a very low maintenance garden)
Once a year I will buy a few plants that over time I have learnt fulfill my criteria of colourful foliage, cover the ground so no need to weed and seem to cope without watering and I will replace the plants that don't meet those criteria. That one weekend of the year is the extent of my gardening!
I smile, thank them, repeat what I am trying to achieve and go on with my life while knowing that at heart they are trying to be nice but just haven't got a clue.

I'm sorry Navy, I'm projecting. My FIL would hold me wholly responsible for upkeep as I'm a SAHM and my dh works.