To think this is actually a Millstone not a favour?

[EssieTregowan]

I will preface this by saying it's not a PIL bashing thread at all, they are wonderful and mean well.

They are obsessive gardeners. Their garden is utterly amazing, the sort that could be opened to the public.

Our garden was up until a few weeks just grass and patio, which suited me brilliantly as I am not a gardening person. I always buy a few ready planted pots in the summer, but that's my limit.

A few weeks ago they came over with their tools and six shrubs that they'd lovingly grown for us. Dug out a couple of borders and planted them. They assured me it would all look after itself. I was quite happy with this, and very grateful obviously.

They wanted to come over today to replant my pots as they consider buying plants a waste of money (fair enough).

But they've actually planted loads in the garden as well! MIL took me round and told me what needs dead heading, that it all needs watering at least twice a week, what needs digging out in the autumn and what can be left etc etc.

Now, I'm really not trying to be ungrateful but this is not at all what I wanted. It's the opposite of the low maintenance garden we discussed. The shrubs were all nicely spaced so the bit of weeding needed was a doddle. Now there's all sorts of different things mixed in and I'll have no idea what's meant to be there or not.

I had left them to it (DH was helping them) so didn't realise until it was too late. I was obviously outwardly very grateful and enthusiastic when they proudly showed off all their hard work, but inwardly crying with exhaustion at the thought of it all.

I know the obvious answer is to leave it all to dh but he works crazy hours and I'm a SAHM so that wouldn't be fair.

This is just a whinge really and I'll suck it up. But AIBU to think it's not really a favour when it involves ongoing hard work for me?

Just ask them. Say that it looks wonderful but you are bit overwhelmed with what you need to do and would be glad of their expertise.

Those of you who think that the OP just do the gardening, let me ask you this. If someone close to you gave you a quilt kit (or a macrame kit or something else that you don't like) would you actually do the work and make the thing to show gratitude? I doubt it, but you think that the OP is obliged to a never-ending, sisyphus-ian task out of gratitude. At least a quilt would eventually be finished, a garden is a never-ending drudge unless you enjoy gardening.

Of course the op could spend an hour a week on it. But that's an hour of her free time she can't be spending on something she actually wants to be doing.
And some people don't particularly get any enjoyment from looking at plants.

They definitely did it to be nice, I think they just can't imagine that anyone wouldn't want to tend a beautiful garden.

And compared to theirs (which is basically a full time job) it is still really low maintenance.

I would never insult them by ripping it out or complaining though.

I hear you, OP. Gardening is basically outdoor housework.

Lovely thing for them to do, but not helpful to you!

I'd act totally useless and keep asking for help!

YANBU.

My PILs are also keen gardeners. MIL is happy to spend the equivalent of a full-time jobs time pottering around in her garden.

They came to visit and help out DH with childcare while I was in hospital for a week after having a baby (mostly because baby needed some extra treatment).

I came home and there was a lot of "we've done xyz to the garden, this needs doing to the garden, we've bought you these plants that need to be planted in the garden etc etc" 😫

I do not enjoy gardening. I have very little interest in looking at pretty gardens. I don't want to spend more than the bare minimum of time gardening. Being landed with extra gardening work was the absolute last thing I wanted when arriving home from hospital with a newborn.

And as for comments like "surely a SAHM could find time for it" - well yes, I'm sure most people could. But its time taken away from other things that need doing, or things that you'd rather be doing. If you don't like gardening, it's just another unwanted chore.

YANBU.

When we bought our house, the previous owner was clearly a keen gardener and thankfully the stuff that was planted looks after itself and flowers every year. But I hate the weeding and the fact it looks shit really quickly. I bloody hate gardening and I have my nan giving the DCs plants, where there is nowhere decent to plant anything and I tell her it will end up dying. She gets a bit huffy and says "well you only have to do this and this" which to her is nothing but there is no way ever I will remember to water plants regularly and then repot the bloody things later. She really doesn't get that I have zero interest. But I like a nice looking garden .

Alas, people who love gardening have no understanding of how loathsome it is to those of us who hate gardening. My mother promised me faithfully that I would feel differently one day when I had my own garden... Well, I have my own garden now and I still loathe gardening with a passion. I'm forcing myself out there, tomorrow, because I want the garden always to look presentable, and I enjoy looking out at the plants and at the birds and animals that come into the garden to enjoy it, but really, in all honesty, I prefer cleaning toilets to gardening...

Is it possible they did it so that there would be something for them to do regularly when they come to visit?

'They probably won't mind tending to it.

Ignore the weeds etc and just say you haven't had time, if asked and remind them it was supposed to b no maintenance. They'll probably offer as they won't be able to bear it being spoilt.'

This needs to happen! If not, love this approach -

'Come autumn,if you can't be arsed deadheading or cutting back etc. just leave it or dig out if they look crap. Leave until next spring and see what survives. Anything that can 'cope' with you 'hands off' approach is a keeper, antyhing else goes in the garden waste bin'

'A few evenings of weeding every month and it really did look amazing, and did indeed look after itself.'

A few evenings of weeding per month is NOT looking after itself!

Just have them over to teach you a couple of times.
But I understand your position.

I feel your pain OP.

I totally appreciate a lovely new garden and understand how some people love the process of making it lovely but I detest it.
Our current garden in trees and grass. My mum mutters about flower beds every now and then and I ignore her.
I am a SAHM, I do have time to garden but I regard it as a PP has stated as Outdoor Housework and I find indoor housework tedious beyond belief.

I can't totally relate to your post. My parents sound exactly like your PIL - obsessive gardeners with the sort of garden that could be opened to the public.

When I bought my house 13 years ago I just had a plain rectangular piece of lawn with a few shrubs - fine by me as I have zero interest in gardening nor the inclination or time to learn.

However, my parents said they'd come round with a few clippings from their garden to "liven it up a bit". They've since dug 3 deep borders and planted over 100 different varieties of flowers, all of which are high maintenance and need constant watering and deadheading. Don't even get me started on the hedges, both front and back...

Granted, it looks beautiful but I hardly have time to relax in it because I'm always trying to maintain it. What is exasperating is that nothing I ever do is up to their standard and at least once a fortnight they turn up to get it "up to scratch" which usually involves at least 5 hours of chastising me for being "idle" and not knowing all the latin names of the plants.

I'm currently pregnant and experiencing extreme exhaustion and dizziness, blacking out every time I go from a crouching to a standing position so as you can imagine, gardening is not top of my agenda right now, but this is me being ungrateful apparently.

.... And breathe.

God, I so feel your pain, OP. I was a junior doctor in the early 2000s, working 100+ hours a week and up to 72 hours in a single shift. Some weeks I only spent 7 waking hours at home. My DM was always going on about my jungle garden and offering to get it cleared. I always turned her down - the last thing I needed was another item on the sodding To-Do list.

It was annoying because it was her caring about what mattered to her, instead of thinking about what was actually important to me.

The recent threads on why do sahms do all day is so easily explained on this thread. People assume they've got nothing to do so give you a few hours a week gardening. Or manning the PTA stalls or picking up someone else's kids.

The op isn't ungrateful she's not slagging off pil. She just doesn't want to devote hours her life to a pointless exercise. The previous poster who asked if you'd spend hours on a macrame kit was dead on.

Get the dc onto it. They can water the plants. Older dc can deadhead with scissors.

@4yoniD - we have a soaker hose arrangement, we also have a self timer for the tap! It's genius. It's set to come on in the morning, then in the evening.... that's it. No more remembering to turn it on and off.

LadyFlumpalot thats genius! Shall investigate. Thanks :D

How old are your kids? And would PIL like to come around to teach them to garden? While you go out?

It's not a lovely thing to do to saddle someone with responsibilities they don't want and didn't ask for. It's thoughtless, even if they did 'mean well'.

The one thing I will say, is that I find watering the garden very relaxing and therapeutic.

You go out in the cool of the evening wafting the hose about.No kids, no chatter.

.Lovely,

I'm glad it looks amazing. But I also question your PILs' motivation for doing this. They might have meant to be kind but they haven't considered your wishes, and they've stomped all over what's reasonable by doing this to YOUR garden without YOUR permission, and ignoring YOUR wishes to have a low-to-no-maintenance garden.

You are under no obligation to do anything to maintain it. If they complain that you're not putting the effort in to do so don't give in to feeling guilty or apologising.

Years ago when I was expecting, my PILs turned up with half a dozen hanging baskets they'd made to brighten our house up a bit. We didn't have time to look after them, we couldn't hang them out front as we lived in north London and they'd have been nicked within moments, and our back garden was a mess as the house was being renovated so it was full of scrap and piles of old bricks and things. They said of course we had time to look after them: just water them twice a day and dead head, shouldn't take more than half an hour each time. But I was working 10 hours a day and commuting an hour each way and I didn't want to spend another hour of my time looking after sodding hanging baskets.

I asked them to take them back home and they said I was being unreasonable. I didn't even have anything to hang them on. So they left them on the floor outside, and for a few days they stayed there, getting kicked about by the builders. So I put them into the front garden and they were all gone in an hour, and I was glad. I hoped the people who took them enjoyed them.

I get you. It is annoying. But kind of them also. I am not in the slightest bit green fingered. I'd be happy with paving and a few fake plants that I absolutely can't kill 😂. But we have a lawn front and back (we rent) that we have to keep neat. I just keep the grass cut and weed a bit. No plants, nothing that requires more attention than strimming really. I would be a bit put out if I suddenly had extra jobs to do in it when I didn't really want them.

TBF the watering needs to regular in the first year but after that plants especially shrubs are a lot more forgiving. Gardens can cope with a fair bit of neglect and if dh enjoys it he can do stuff at weekend/days off.

If you enjoy gardening it's not work it's pleasure - unless of course your dh is a gardener.

You could also have a watering system set up linked to a timer - not that £££.

I'd be thrilled. Plants are £££.