DS1 is nearly 8 but his behaviour means he is still not able to independently get ready for bed or for going out anywhere without constant reminders, countdowns, warnings, threats, rewards, time-outs and full on arguments. He is physically fine, however can be easily over-stimulated and has the short-term memory of gnat. He is generally a lovely and caring boy and is usually good with his younger siblings, but he is extremely focussed on himself (like all children I know) so he often refuses to bend his will and can become very slow and passively obstructive. He is also quite immature and while he often thinks in imaginary way, he is also very logical and often very bright.
So DH and I really think that by this age he should be able to put on clothes, brush teeth, and put on shoes without finding a distraction, laying on the floor, messing around or claiming that he doesn't know what to do. I have been reading Alfie Kohn and I like his ideas but DS is often so uncooperative I don't see how to get him to want to do these basic and unavoidable daily activities. I am not interested in reward charts or focussing on punishment as I think they lead to short term motivation that is often not sustained.
Are my expectations unreasonable?