to believe a nearly 8 year old should be able to do this

[Dreambee]

DS1 is nearly 8 but his behaviour means he is still not able to independently get ready for bed or for going out anywhere without constant reminders, countdowns, warnings, threats, rewards, time-outs and full on arguments. He is physically fine, however can be easily over-stimulated and has the short-term memory of gnat. He is generally a lovely and caring boy and is usually good with his younger siblings, but he is extremely focussed on himself (like all children I know) so he often refuses to bend his will and can become very slow and passively obstructive. He is also quite immature and while he often thinks in imaginary way, he is also very logical and often very bright.

So DH and I really think that by this age he should be able to put on clothes, brush teeth, and put on shoes without finding a distraction, laying on the floor, messing around or claiming that he doesn't know what to do. I have been reading Alfie Kohn and I like his ideas but DS is often so uncooperative I don't see how to get him to want to do these basic and unavoidable daily activities. I am not interested in reward charts or focussing on punishment as I think they lead to short term motivation that is often not sustained.

Are my expectations unreasonable?

My 6yo DS and his 47yo DH are both exactly like this. In fairness, DH does dress himself without reminding during the week, but it does take him an extraordinarily long time.
We're pretty sure DH has ADD and DS is on a waiting list for evaluation.

Arrgh! His DF, my DH. Just to be clear.

I wonder if OP is like my DH: barks out 6 orders, walks away, 20 minutes later nothing happens. DH either does nothing for another 20 minutes or throws a temper tantrum about the undone things. The kids learn it doesn't matter to respond the first time.

Anyway, if I need something doing I don't leave DC alone until it's done.

I think he sounds normal, Op. My ds is older than yours and can focus easily on what he wants to focus on and does not focus easily on brushing his teeth, getting ready for bed, doing what he needs to do, etc. I think that is totally normal for him and for many kids. Was I like that at his age? No. But children are different. There is a range of behavior and that's ok. Some kids are making up their crib bedding when they're tiny (I actually know of such) and others won't make up their bed at 16 unless you're standing over them after you've reminded them a dozen times. It's a level of maturity more than anything and kids are different. They eventually get it (I hope.) It's annoying yes to have to keep reminding but it may have something to do with personality and maturity. It's not necessarily something wrong. I think people jump to some condition too easily sometimes.

My 8 yo DS with ADHD is like this. Every day, without fail he will come out of the bathroom with having either washed his face OR brushed his teeth. He has never done the two without being reminded.

He can concentrate on one thing in particular, like nobody I have ever met. He's amazing.

ragged has a good point. If a parent tells a child over and over to do something, the child is trained to know that he can just wait and not do whatever it is, and it goes in a circle. Tell the child once, then consequences.

The difficulty with telling a child once and then consequences is that if the child is not NT them it just won't work. That is the crux of the whole matter here.

cakes I'm sorry, should probably know but what's NT?

Lots of good advice on this thread. I do visual time tables with my ASD dcs as they find transitions very difficult. You need to push for an assessment op.

dreambe I thought ADHD too when I read your post. An Ed Psy could easily miss it. My son has been diagnosed by a Clinical Psychologist after displaying all the signs you mention, but it really was a surprise as he can focus for hours on things he likes, it's actually called "hyper focus". Also extremely clever, incentive, articulate and curious, incredible memory, very logical, but I have to remind him to put his shoes on for school, or put toothpaste on the toothbrush or he'll leave the house with no shoes on, and brush teeth without toothpaste. How is your son doing at school?

Not RTFT yet but sounds like my DS who is also nearly 8. He is very likely to be diagnosed with ASD next week, and I'm wondering about ADHD (inattentive type) as a dual diagnosis.

However I do think a lot of the behaviour you've specified is also just young kid stuff - there are a heck of a lot more issues with DS that scream SN much louder than those in your OP, if that makes sense.

That said I agree it is worth looking into, both in case you felt something is going on, and to find strategies that may help him regardless of any diagnosis.

I'll be doing a visual timetable soon for both my DCs :)

little NT means neurotypical ie without special needs like autism :)

My son has ADHD + ASD and can focus on things he wants to, being able to concentrate when interested is not a reason to rule ADHD out.

My son needs constant remidrrs to get dressed, it drives me wild sometimes!

NT is neurotypical. So an NT child is one with no neurological difference like autism, ADHD etc. Standard parenting techniques just don't fit with kids with ASD etc in a situation like this because their brains process information differently and trying to judge them by 'normal' standards just leads to frustration all round and confusion for the kids.

Thanks cagliostro

It seems like everybody's child has ADD or ADHD or something, I'm NOT talking about the ones who have it, if that makes sense, it just seems like everybody thinks their child has it now...don't flame me!!!! It's getting a little strange, like everybody has to get on the bandwagon, this may be my averseness to giving children drugs unless absolutely necessary? I don't know. NOT that every child who has it has to be medicated, please don't jump on every word. It's like it's become a status of some kind to say your child has this that or the other of these disorders when sometimes they're just being a kid. Not speaking to Op's concern, just in general sometimes....PLease don't start cursing or coming down on me because I have a different opinion. I'm going to duck for cover now.

X post cakes thanks for the information.

DD is 9 and exactly the same. I've fought for several years to get her assessed and finally have an Ed Pysch assessment next week.

She doesn't concentrate, can't remember anything, gets obsessive, screams when her hair is brushed, won't wear any tight or scratchy clothes, won't sit still, is very loud, very defiant, hyperactive, finds it hard to play with others if they don't do what she wants, is often in trouble at school for not doing what she's told, i.e., sit down, listen etc.

Friends and all her various Clubs leaders have all suggested she has a problem but school wouldn't assess her until now.

I'm now hoping for some sort of diagnosis so she can get extra help. Fingers crossed.

He's 7, sounds like my ds. I think it is normal and he will get there.

LittleBeautyBelle, you say not to jump on every word, but it's sort of hard when your entire post is a load of hooey.

I understand what you're getting at, in the sense that lots of NT kids do have individual traits. Like I said, my almost certainly autistic DS has the same issues as in the OP but on its own that doesn't necessarily mean ASD/ADHD. The whole point of the assessment is to see if there are enough of those individual traits to cross the diagnostic threshold.

But it's important to remember that awareness is HUGELY improving all the time. I am autistic, I was diagnosed a couple of years ago (I'm 30). Would I have been diagnosed as a child, absolutely no way. I was a clever kid who didn't make any waves. I have never had any of the stereotypical behaviours like echolalia, spinning etc. I was nerdy and unpopular, that was the end of it.

People get it now. That there are as many ways to be autistic as there are autistic people. It is particularly the case with girls (like my DD who is also facing diagnosis very soon) - there is more understanding of the way girls present and function highly until cracks start to show (often when they hit puberty or social pressures increase e.g. Bigger school etc). In the past much of this would have been put down to depression or even misdiagnosed as personality disorders.

It is also likely IMHO that the numbers genuinely ARE increasing - high functioning adults growing up able to be independent and have relationships, most likely with no diagnosis due to lack of awareness when they were young. Maybe more likely to end up with people similar to themselves and the chances of having autistic kids is increased. But I do think the main perceived increase is due to better training and awareness.

Apologies for the most likely nonsensical rant above 😳

*LittleBeautyBelle+. It's actually very difficult to get a diagnosis of ADHD, it takes many months of gathering information and observations. Trust me saying your child has ADHD is not a status symbol and has many negative connotations.

I'm really pleased there is more awareness around these type of conditions and that children are getting the help they need. Many of us don't give our children drugs, sometimes understanding and the right adjustments for the child can make a huge difference. Some do medicate and it can help a child enormously. It really isn't a bandwagon we have chosen to jump on.

Does he get away with it when he claims he doesn't know something that he does? I think you need to set clear boundaries, honour your threats and promises, and see if the behaviour improves. Sometimes kids this age can attention-seek when they have younger siblings. You need to honestly review your parenting and dynamics at home.

My very bright, NT 8 year old needs reminding every step of getting ready. She's just distracted I guess.

Yes, hazey how dare I suggest your children might be normal, however tentatively!

I disagreed as agreeably as humanly possible.

It could be that sometimes it's the parent with the problem not the child, did you ever consider that possibility? Maybe you should.

LittleBeautyBelle - my children are as normal as anyone else's children, unless you consider children with additional needs to be abnormal?

Now, now, LittleBeautyBelle, you talk about people whose children have developmental conditions as..... jumping on bandwagons.....medicating children......using developmental conditions as some sort of status. Then you say you are going to duck for cover, you know full well you are stirring it up with a big ol' stick, so don't be disingenuous, by saying how agreeable you are being.