to believe a nearly 8 year old should be able to do this

[Dreambee]

DS1 is nearly 8 but his behaviour means he is still not able to independently get ready for bed or for going out anywhere without constant reminders, countdowns, warnings, threats, rewards, time-outs and full on arguments. He is physically fine, however can be easily over-stimulated and has the short-term memory of gnat. He is generally a lovely and caring boy and is usually good with his younger siblings, but he is extremely focussed on himself (like all children I know) so he often refuses to bend his will and can become very slow and passively obstructive. He is also quite immature and while he often thinks in imaginary way, he is also very logical and often very bright.

So DH and I really think that by this age he should be able to put on clothes, brush teeth, and put on shoes without finding a distraction, laying on the floor, messing around or claiming that he doesn't know what to do. I have been reading Alfie Kohn and I like his ideas but DS is often so uncooperative I don't see how to get him to want to do these basic and unavoidable daily activities. I am not interested in reward charts or focussing on punishment as I think they lead to short term motivation that is often not sustained.

Are my expectations unreasonable?

My top of the class bilingual, very clever DD needs chivvying every bloody step of the way.

She put her cereal on a plate instead of a bowl the other morning

I think it's normal OP

TBH I think we spoil them

littlebeauty, in the good old days people used to suffer from what we now know to be specific illnesses and conditions that had no name only 50 years ago. It's the same with ADHD, autism, dyslexia.

You have no idea what my family has gone through for the last 4 or 5 years, knowing there was something wrong, watching our son fail at school while being astonished at his intelligence, hearing some teachers call him lazy, other teachers also feeling there was something very wrong, other teachers saying he's the brightest child they've met, and cannot understand what's holding him back. Having to console a 6, 7 , 8, 9 and finally 10 year old who didn't want to go to school as he couldn't cope, developing nervous ticks, having nightmares and saying he hates his life. All because of the anxiety of not being able to concentrate in class, and waiting to be told off, and his vanishing self esteem...

And begging the school for an assessment only to be refused as there are children who are doing worse than him. Never mind his wellbeing and the unexplained disparity between his obvious intelligence and his poor results.

And finally paying privately for an assessment and being told there and then that my son has a neurological condition, a chemical imbalance in the brain, that makes it absolutely impossible for him to achieve at school without proper help. This diagnosis has changed our lives, thanks to scientific research in the last 10/15 years.

You have no idea what you're talking about. You're ignorant and arrogant. It makes me very angry. But hey, who needs experts?

Sounds very much like my NT dd(8) she just doesn't like being told what to do and would rather play in her room than get ready for school/bed etc. She also doesn't like being rushed so we've learned to give her time to get ready which works

Sorry about my rant op, I'd say, if you have concerns and you know in your heart that there's something wrong, look into it, don't be brushed aside. It could be developmental, or not...

Sounds pretty typical for that age to me too! I recommend "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" as a book that's easy to reconcile with a Kohn-style philosophy, but with much more in the way of practical advice. The one someone mentioned upthread, saying "Shoes!" rather than a long sentence about shoes, is one I've found very helpful.

It is a matter of the degree to which this is a daily problem for your ds, Dreambee. Yes, a lot of kids this age do the things you describe, but how typical it is depends on the level to which he does it and the impact it has.

If an Ed psych has already been involved, are there other issues? Difficulties at school or home?

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Sound like my ds, very like him.
He saw an Ed psyche last year, and nothing came up.
Then this year, just after turning 10, he has suddenly got it, it's like he has arrived in the world. Previously he has never known when anything is happening at school, but he has started saying things like " oh good, it's Tuesday, so swimming today". He would never even have known what day it was before.
He still needs to be nagged to brush his teeth though......
So give your boy time, he may surprise you.

LittleBeautyBelle aka goady.

Read your posts and substitute any other medically diagnosed condition for the SN conditions you are criticising, then see how ludicrous you sound.

"It seems like everybody's child has a broken leg or arthritis or something, I'm NOT talking about the ones who have it, if that makes sense, it just seems like everybody thinks their child has it now...don't flame me!!!! " etc.etc"

Sheesh, someone may just be irritated enough to report your original post for being disablist.

Actually, many parents do not divulge their childrens' diagnoses to anyone apart from their school and support services.

ASD, ADHD and all the co-morbids are medically diagnosed by guess who - medical professionals, often after a series of investigative appointments.

Additional Needs covers a huge area and you would be much more useful on a thread concerning them if you educated yourself and posted with advice for the OP, rather than trying to dismiss medically diagnosed conditions you know absolutely nothing about.

H'es 7. and distractable. It's perfectly normal, why do we have to pathologise and diagnose absolutely everything?

He's a child.

sleeponeday very interesting point that add can feature hyper-attention.

Thank you for all the replies - a lot of food for thought. I think the key is understanding from us parents and using correct strategies.

At the age, I'd say it's not unusual. DS was still doing the same thing at 10 (and driving us up the wall with his inability to hold on to 3 simple instructions).

He has auditory (and visual) processing difficulties, diagnosed just before he was 11. Suddenly everything made sense. No medication; listening and concentrating exercises daily plus we changed how we spoke and worked with him. The change in the last 15 months has been amazing. I wish we'd known earlier.

jaws5 school is mixed. Favourite subjects are good but writing is a challenge - I suspect dysgraphia here but no professional assessment. Working memory and organisation challenges can make starting and finishing tasks tricky. But he is not defiant or particularly resistant. I agree maturity is a huge factor.

Thanks Ohyesiam I like your description of your son "arriving in the world". It's true that some children take longer to connect with the real world because they are imaginary thinkers for longer than others.

So far I have had two 8 yr olds that can be like this. I got really stressed and canvassed all the other mums and dads and it turns out, this is how they all are.

I think the question to ask is. Can he do it? Or is it a case of he just doesn't want to? Lids are lazy and self absorbed i'm afraid. If you think it's a developmental thing, as in, he's NEVER put his own shoes on etc, then that's a different issue.

My oldest (10) is worse than my other kids for these things. He's recently been diagnosed with dyslexia. People just think it's about writing/reading but the problems you've described are also attributed to dyslexics. Does he have any problems writing/spelling?

If the Ed Psych thought there were elements of Asperger's did you not ask for a referral for a full screening for this?
I'd go to your GP asap - or even just have a telephone call - and explain what's going on. Ask for a referral to paediatrician on the basis of the Ed Psych report and the behaviour.
As said up thread you cannot punish an autistic child for autistic behaviour because you are expecting NT behaviour.
Check it out and then come back to ask.
I'm the mother of two autistic DC - one diagnosed when Asperger's was still a dx, the other other a plain HF AS kid. Both highly intelligent, one exceptionally so, but both have considerable issues. Please don't punish the meltdowns.

Sounds like common-or-garden farting about to me.

My same age DD also needs chivvying as she admits these things are "boring'. Often find her with her nose in a book when she's meant to be getting changed etc

dreambee my son also has dyslexia , and low processing skills, this makes writing very slow, he also has hyper mobility in his fingers so it is physically painful too. There are many probable causes as well as normal developmental reasons, but if there is anything it must be spotted before secondary school.

For those who think there is too much ADHD/autism flying around these days it's also worth remembering that MN is not representative of the population. IME there is a much higher proportion of parents with kids with SN here, perhaps because life with a neurodiverse child can be incredibly tough, draining and isolating, and MN is great for support that is often lacking in real life. Even this thread specifically, to me the title said "OP is wondering if there's a development issue" and my experience made me more keen to read the thread - it resonated with me.

My DCs used to go to school but had an awful time due to their needs. Words like autism were pretty alien to most of the parents, in the sense that they hadn't experienced it and didn't know much about it at all. Switched to home education and saying someone is autistic or has ADHD is no different to stating their hair colour. Most of the DCs' friends have SN of some kind. If you looked there you would think oh everyone has autism these days, but it's just that we were all drawn together by it. In more general society it's still not that common.

Ds1 has ADHD and needs CONSTANT reminders to stay on task. He knows he needs to get dressed but takes absolutely forever about it.

And if he doesn't want to do something or go somewhere he will make it almost impossible for anyone else to get it done.

He's 9 and I think having a hormone surge too. Basically right now he's being completely impossible to handle and I have no idea what I'm doing!! He also has ODD and is waiting for an ASD assessment.

Not saying that your ds has any of those things, but perhaps you could try using a visual timetable or an egg timer that usually help ds1 stay a bit more focussed.

My son just turned 10 and also struggles massively with tasks like getting ready for bed - I have to direct him and sometimes do countdowns as he gets so distracted.

He's generally a lovely, confident, bright boy (grade 5 & 6 in two instruments, top maths group, but less keen on writing and struggles with spelling) but I have always worried that there's something else going on...

when adults are talking to him, he often finds it really difficult to process the information fast enough - it comes across as though he can't hear what has been said or doesn't understand the words being said. Does anyone recognise this as anything?

He also can't accept that his 5 year old sister is treated differently to him in that we expect better behaviour from a 10 year old, compared to a 5 year old. This causes massive rage in him and he can't let things go with her. They can be the best of friends, but he also can argue terribly with her (and she does wind him up too)

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?!