Dh wants to get dsd here, right now!

[FishyCustard]

Yes, I know. I'm taking my own life in my hands posting this on 'Aibu' but a decision is being forced on me quite quickly and I need to know if Iabu.

Background: DH and I started going out when dsd was six. Dsd's mum had left DH for another man two years previously.

Fast forward to today, dsd is now 14. We now have dd 4 (who is autistic and was diagnosed last year at 3, she is in the more severe side of the spectrum) and ds who has just turned 1.

My relationship with dsd used to be really good, however around two years after me and then do got together we started to have trouble with Dsd's mum.

This first post would be miles long if I went in to all that, it's going to be long enough as it is. Suffice to say there was conflict (police involved at one point after she assaulted Dh) and that it really affected poor dsd.

We went from being very close to her practically ignoring me these last few years. As we didn't get to see her except during school holidays (her mum moved her very far away) Dh was a bit of a Disney dad, which he admits.

As examples:

If I leave any cosmetics on the bathroom she will empty them all out and refill them with water.

She doesn't tend to eat any of the meals I cook and willl sat she is not hungry (then eat from a Bombay of crap, chocolate and crisps, that comes along with her)

She will not come downstairs until 3pm at least, every day she is here, then has tea and goes back up until I and the dc are upstairs. When she will come down.

Over the last year or so I've stayed upstairs after seven, because I hear he happily chatting to her dad and think she needs that alone time.

She won't pick up after herself, she leaves wads of chewing gum stuck under sofas and tables that I have to find before one of the dc chokes on them. She leaves rubbish where it falls.

She spends every moment, literally from the second she opens her eyes to 4am on her phone.

Anytime I've attempted to talk to her about this she starts crying to her dad or just goes silent and blanks me.

I'm not a monster, I hope I'm not. It's just feels so unfair when I'm trying to teach dd to pick up after herself but can't say a word to dsd.

Anyway, to the heart of the matter.

Dsd's mum has just called DH on the phone, the first time she's spoken to him in four years!

Dsd has been hurting herself, truanting from school (the police have been involved numerous times) and is now being helped by cahms. She says she is being screamed at by dsd.

Also apparently this has come about because of Dad's mums partner (the same om she left Dh for) has attempted suicide. And she has gotten in to a bad crowd at school who all do this sort of thing.

Dh's ex wants him to call dsd and talk to her. It's all a bit of a shock as none of us knew this was going on (Dh has regular skypes with dsd but she never mentioned it)

Dh is, this moment, talking to mil on the phone about going over to get her now. And he has also just said that his ex said that dsd cannot be shouted at or upset in any way or she might commit suicide.

Mil and fil are on their way here to talk with us.

My head is spinning. I'm trying to figure out how to voice my concerns without sounding like an evil witch. I undertand how Dh feels, I love her too, but I have to think of ds and dd too.

I just want to say,

'No, Dh hang in a minute. I know your upset but I feel like you aren't considering everyone else in this family.

I agree dsd needs help but I do not want her living here if it's going to be business as usual.

If she comes she follows the rules of the house, including no devices upstairs, learning to clean up after herself and spending some family time with us.'

Aibu?

It sounds like she needs a loving family, but also needs to know and understand that there are boundaries for her behaviour.
It's hard work looking after a child like this and it will take time.

Can your dh afford the time and energy to do this whilst you look after yours and his children?
He will need to clean up after her and be totally responsible for her, would he be able to go pt so he is there whenever she is?
It sounds like he'll have his work cut out and not much time for his other dc.

I think your DH should probably go and stay at your PILs with his DD, it will allow her change and space but it will also mean there won't be such an immediate pressure on you all.

Can you afford private therapy? If so I would suggest getting her help instead of waiting for her to be referred.

Did this little girls behavior change happen at the same time as your DD's special needs were diagnosed and your DD suddenly needed alot of attention?

don't give up on her or yourself.in mothers step or otherwise the strength that comes will surprise all. to have that given to a daughter is the most precious gift.love. to be love and shown boundaries.to love and shown kindness.to be given guidance rules and shown where the walls are and they wont break down no matter how hard you push is the most precious gift.
when she pushes harder it howunsafe she is and needs to feel someone will catch her that even though she feels out of her ind that others might be able to keep her steady.so don't give up.
and remember this isn't normal but it is normal behaviour for this type of illness/situation.your not alone,not the first nor last for this tragic set of circustances.
be there for eacohter.let your dh know you can do this togetr.
let her know your going to fuk up but will NEVER STOP TRYING because shes worth it.
that youll take no shit because you love her and don't want her to be hurting.
sadly if she is emotionly poorly and wrong crowd they will take advatagne of her and this is where it can be harder.because a lot of the time they are just as wholes.or can be wheras your daughter is a girl whos gotten lost.
keep going.keep finding branches to make this ok for all of your
you will have to bend and weave but don't do it alone.make sure its all together agasint this.
emotional or mental health lot of the time the illness like to devide so it can conqeor the sufferers.dont let it.its beaten when it cant fight the strongest thing...love

I won't put dd and ds at risk either
This would be the bottom line for me. Having the dsd around, with the attitude and the potentially killer gum would be absolutely unacceptable to me. Feeling sympathetic about her situation would not over-ride the need to ensure the safety of my own children.

Did this little girls behavior change happen at the same time as your DD's special needs were diagnosed and your DD suddenly needed alot of attention?

No, about a year and a half before that.

I agree, if she will come over it will be much better for her. Dh had been unable to persuade her though, she's insistent she only did it to 'fit in' and everything is fine.

Dd will miss Dh (only really as in his part of the set routines we have in place for her - there will be meltdowns but I can cope if I have to with help from my mum)

Ds is a complete mummy's boy anyway and is usually limpeted on to me so I can't see him having an issue with it Things are so much less complicated when you are a baby.

yanbu for the simple fact that you knew he was a father when you married and decided to have children with him.

Parenting is equally his responsibility as is providing his daughter with a home.

To be honest op her behaviour and the boundaries issues are not your dsd's fault or issue. They are 120% the fault of your dh.

That said, in your shoes I wouldn't want her living with me & my young kids either. Not because of the expectations of being waited on but because the suicide and self harming poses far too much of a risk. There would need to be guidlines about not being alone, getting help and attending support groups before I even contemplated it

I think you are in an impossible position but this could be the time to start to heal the divide by welcoming her.

The comments you made about her mum and saying your kids would replace dsd speak volumes. Now dh can't be the full time parent because of the move her mum is able to fill her full of poison. Give her some space . Teenagers are an odd breed.

Re the house you need a solicitor to draw up a document for him to sign to confirm he will make no claim to the house

Stay positive Lady.... your doing great x

So her mum has been telling her basically that you have shoved her out of her dads life, that youll have a baby to replace her, and that you are now the evil stepmother and will cut off all her hair.
Its no wonder she has been disrespecting you any way she can - leaving rubbish around, pinching her "replacement", refusing to engage.

It seems to me that your DH has acted entirely wrongly in all this, he should have been showing her that he still loves her BUT that he loves you too and the two of you are solid, when you spoke to her about her behaviour he should have been backing you up 100%, even if he needed to have "a word" with you about it in private later. Instead hes let her think theres space to drive a wedge between you to get you out so shes safe, and as well-intentioned as your "keeping out of the way to give them time together" probably hasnt helped, youve banished yourself out of the way and let her feel like youve been banished out of your own space.

Until the two of you can show you are a unit together, you'll be fighting a losing battle.

Sorry, I didn't make that clear.

Dh's ex told dsd that dsd should 'cut all of Fishy's long blonde hair off'

She did a right mind job on her. Dsd cried and told me, I told Dh who called her up.

That's when she came round, drunk as a skunk and ranting and raving. I wasn't good enough for him, I would hate dsd, he'd never had it so good. She was fully deranged, and she punched Dh in the face. He was sat down on the front step calling the police and asking her to leave.

It was bloody horrible. I took dsd to the bottom of the garden to 'look at the strawberries growing' but we could still hear her.

I have no idea what started it, whether dsd's mum was in a dark place herself (she was still with the OM, so I don't think it was jealousy)

But soon after that was when they moved much further away, and again in quick succession after that. Dsd had to leave her school, friends and start all over again. Twice!

And the next time she came over was when I first started sensing that our relationship had 'cooled'.

Ah sorry, I misunderstood.

So its more "if you hadnt been there, mum wouldnt have been angry, she wouldnt have punched dad, and we wouldnt have had to move away and lose all my life." No doubt her mum has filled her head with how everything bad thats happened to everyone is all your fault.

She loves her mum and dad and cant blame either of them, so that leaves you.

Yes, l am concerned that dsd and fishy's husband going together to granny's could make it look like she's 'won the battle'. Whereas what everyone wants and needs eventually (and it has to be in little steps) is for op's husband to spend as equal a time as possible with all three of his children. Moving the teenager and dad to granny's can only be seen as an interim measure. Until things settle and everyone has time to discuss the issues. OP is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't by some of the posters here. She has to protect the interests of the younger children- that is a vital role though it's by no means her only role.

Yes, it really does sound like the mother is a big part of the problem. And there's not a huge amount that fishy can do to sort that. Fishy, you need to just keep calm and firm and keep the lines of commmunication with your stepdaughter open. Easier said than done though?

It all sounds very complicated and I really think that it needs a professional to begin to unravel some of dsd's issues. It's a heady mix of unstable home life, adolescent hormones and perhaps her crying out for help with all her confusion.

It's great that you are prepared to be supportive of dsd where you can. I think you're being level headed and realistic about the logistics of uprooting her and moving her in with you.
I hope all the adults in her life can work together to help her.

I remember you op. I can't believe she is now 14. The last time I read your post she was twelve and it seems to have escalated. I remember it being so shocking that I didn't forget your thread.

I am amazed you stayed with your Dh. From what I remember you were not allowed to say anything to her. Even when she ruined your belongings, you kept quiet because of what your Dh would say. She took your shower gel that was given to you as gift, used it all then filled it up with water. I don't think you told your husband because he would be on her side.

From your previous posts if my memory is right, Your Dh was the problem. Your daughter who was one at the time was not liked very much by her step sister who was favoured by the dad. Most did say to LTB because of how he was treating you and your child.
Mn could have seen this coming.
Apologies if this was the wrong person. It just sounds too familiar because of how shocking it was to me at the time.

The usual amounts of bleeding hearts are out in force again I see. Plenty of offers to take on a disturbed teen I'll bet? Coz it's so easy n that.

You can't have her living there, it's too late you'll be out of your depth and it doesn't sound as if your bloke has much in the way of substance. He might be hung ho now while the adrenaline is going but that shit wears off.

Your suggestion of them both going to the grandparents is far the best one but again I fear it's too late. This shit should have been nipped in the bud not ignored and hope for the best.

Early intervention via her school is probably your blokes best shot at straightening her out before she goes completely off the rails. He needs to contact them Monday.

I also, remember when the op was too scared to say anything about the dsd spilling water all over the floor and the op not being able to say anything to Dh about it because of his reaction. But he was telling a one year off for the same thing. Which every one at the time found appalling. He expected so much from a toddler.

I do feel really sorry for you OP. I agree you can't have your DC living with anyone who is violent and unpredictable, no matter who that person is.

I hope it all works out

I never get when people marry a partner with existing children and don't treat them as their own

Oh please. Op wants the some boundaries and rules to be put in place which she would expect of her own children, but then she would be told that she isn't her parent. Sorry but if she treated her as her own child then the dsd wouldn't be allowed to get away with that behaviour. The step parent is expected to behave like a parent but can't actually parent her.

Agree with gamer chick. The step parent is always wrong here but not when it comes to her own children. Op I wouldn't want her there either. You've had to endure her behaviour before this, imagine how much you're in for if she does come to live with you. Your Dd who has her own challenges is your priority. Living with her gps is the best option and don't let your dh guilt you into bringing her there. She doesn't want to anyway.

Gamer is spot on x

Bit of an update.

Dh has been calling and Skype-big dsd regularly. He said she seemed quite cheerful, told him there was nothing wrong and no, she doesn't want to come over until the summer holiday.

I joined in on one of the chats and told dsd I knew we hadn't talked much but that I was here for her. We even had a long chat about getting some new furniture/computer for her attic room. ( It not a small dusty attic the evil step mum shoved her into, nice big converted one with an ensuite)

The day after, this morning, we got a call from her stepdad telling us she was in hospital, she seriously self harmed with a razor blade about an hour after getting off Skype with us.

We're in bits, no bloody clue what to do for the best anymore.

You dont know that the reason she self-harmed was anything to do with you.
It could be that after the skype call, she got a message from her boyfriend breaking up with her, or from someone at school being nasty, or anything - youre not necessarily responsible for everything that she does.