Yes, I know. I'm taking my own life in my hands posting this on 'Aibu' but a decision is being forced on me quite quickly and I need to know if Iabu.
Background: DH and I started going out when dsd was six. Dsd's mum had left DH for another man two years previously.
Fast forward to today, dsd is now 14. We now have dd 4 (who is autistic and was diagnosed last year at 3, she is in the more severe side of the spectrum) and ds who has just turned 1.
My relationship with dsd used to be really good, however around two years after me and then do got together we started to have trouble with Dsd's mum.
This first post would be miles long if I went in to all that, it's going to be long enough as it is. Suffice to say there was conflict (police involved at one point after she assaulted Dh) and that it really affected poor dsd.
We went from being very close to her practically ignoring me these last few years. As we didn't get to see her except during school holidays (her mum moved her very far away) Dh was a bit of a Disney dad, which he admits.
As examples:
If I leave any cosmetics on the bathroom she will empty them all out and refill them with water.
She doesn't tend to eat any of the meals I cook and willl sat she is not hungry (then eat from a Bombay of crap, chocolate and crisps, that comes along with her)
She will not come downstairs until 3pm at least, every day she is here, then has tea and goes back up until I and the dc are upstairs. When she will come down.
Over the last year or so I've stayed upstairs after seven, because I hear he happily chatting to her dad and think she needs that alone time.
She won't pick up after herself, she leaves wads of chewing gum stuck under sofas and tables that I have to find before one of the dc chokes on them. She leaves rubbish where it falls.
She spends every moment, literally from the second she opens her eyes to 4am on her phone.
Anytime I've attempted to talk to her about this she starts crying to her dad or just goes silent and blanks me.
I'm not a monster, I hope I'm not. It's just feels so unfair when I'm trying to teach dd to pick up after herself but can't say a word to dsd.
Anyway, to the heart of the matter.
Dsd's mum has just called DH on the phone, the first time she's spoken to him in four years!
Dsd has been hurting herself, truanting from school (the police have been involved numerous times) and is now being helped by cahms. She says she is being screamed at by dsd.
Also apparently this has come about because of Dad's mums partner (the same om she left Dh for) has attempted suicide. And she has gotten in to a bad crowd at school who all do this sort of thing.
Dh's ex wants him to call dsd and talk to her. It's all a bit of a shock as none of us knew this was going on (Dh has regular skypes with dsd but she never mentioned it)
Dh is, this moment, talking to mil on the phone about going over to get her now. And he has also just said that his ex said that dsd cannot be shouted at or upset in any way or she might commit suicide.
Mil and fil are on their way here to talk with us.
My head is spinning. I'm trying to figure out how to voice my concerns without sounding like an evil witch. I undertand how Dh feels, I love her too, but I have to think of ds and dd too.
I just want to say,
'No, Dh hang in a minute. I know your upset but I feel like you aren't considering everyone else in this family.
I agree dsd needs help but I do not want her living here if it's going to be business as usual.
If she comes she follows the rules of the house, including no devices upstairs, learning to clean up after herself and spending some family time with us.'
Aibu?