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AIBU? Just need a rant

56 replies

MollyBear · 22/06/2017 22:22

I just need to get this out as I've been cross about it all day.

This morning was ds2's concert. He's in reception, and has been excited about it for weeks. I planned to go, along with one of my uncles (who is really good at stepping into quasi-grandparent role), and had to take ds1 (12, severe ASD) along too due to logistics. Been planned for ages. Ds1 was fine about it - meant him getting to school a bit late, but all good, and he likes going along for the snack, and having a chat with other parents/teachers.

Yesterday, STBXH suddenly asks me what this concert is that ds2 is talking about, and gets stroppy that I haven't told him about it (we are recently separated, still live in same house, and I bloody gave him the school calendar the day after it arrived back in April, and have repeatedly pointed him in its direction since). Then announces he will come along too. Great for ds2, not so for ds1 with last minute change of plan etc, but hey ho, I'll get him through it.

So, come this morning. Stbxh appears 10 minutes before I am due to leave with my uncle and the dc, and says he thinks he should have a lift too ((he NEVERcomes on school run, so another change, and other concerts he has attended he took his own car, and met us there), and that my uncle should walk down and meet us there, because it's too hot for H to walk down in his suit (wtf? My uncle is almost 70, and umm, a guest?!). Plus another change for ds1 to deal with.

But we get on with it, and get ds2 to school, meet uncle there, no worries. Ds1 doing really well, considering.

We get into the hall, sit down, and within 5 minutes, Stbx announces that he thinks he'll have to leave halfway through (it's a bloody reception concert, fgs, it only lasts about 20 minutes!) because he has a meeting he really can't miss at work. Ds1 hears, gets really anxious, I manage to tell Stbx that I don't think it's a great idea - ds1 will hit the roof, and go overboard asking where's daddy going? over and over, and ds2 might be a bit upset to see his dad walking out in the middle!

Stbx argues, saying I didn't tell him how long it would be, and ds1 goes into meltdown as can't cope with yet another plan change. I take ds1 out, Stbx stays.

I couldn't calm ds1 enough to go back in at all, so I missed the whole concert, but had to wait for Stbx afterwards so ds1 could say goodbye before going to school - as he came out, Stbx hissed 'we need to coordinate this better, this whole thing could have been avoided' said goodbye to ds1 and strode off.

Sorry, that's all really long! But just needed to rant about it, as I'm still fuming.

(ds2 was a trooper, btw, and despite seeing ds1 and me outside as he went in to perform, took it really well that I wasn't watching, and didn't get put off, which is the main thing)

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 22/06/2017 22:26

Your stbxh is a selfish cock. Youre well rid. No bending over backwards for him again!


EatTheChocolateTeapot · 22/06/2017 22:28

He sounds like he is trying to create drama to get attention. I think your best course is to ignore him as much as possible, and don't change your plans for him, he has ro fit around them.


TheSparrowhawk · 22/06/2017 22:30

You are separated. When he asked about the concert you should have said 'it's on the calendar' and then just completely disengaged. He is doing this to get a reaction. Don't give him one.


WhooooAmI24601 · 22/06/2017 22:30

Good god he is an arsehole. How you remained calm in the face of that is beyond me.

ChocolateTeapot is right; never let him dictate anything and don't arrange your lives around him ever again. He is awful.


honeysucklejasmine · 22/06/2017 22:33

Do not change your plans for him again


MollyBear · 22/06/2017 22:36

I haven't given him any reaction.

I had to tell him that leaving during the concert was not a good plan, because I didn't want ds1 disrupting the concert if he did. Not good for ds1 (who is well known and liked amongst ds2's teachers and other parents), and not good for ds2 and the rest of his year who have been practising hard for weeks for their big moment.

I haven't mentioned it at all to him this evening (which is why I ranted here Grin), but just went down to the kitchen to get some water and he said again that 'we' need to coordinate better, as he can't work out from the school calendar which events the dc are involved in. Like that's my problem! I just said 'ok' noncommitally, and wandered off.

He is expert at manipulating me into being involved - e.g. Will ask about timings of school stuff in front of dc, so I look stroppy if I don't tell him. Believe me, I have repeatedly pointed him in the direction of the school calendar, but he really doesn't know what to look for - he is so little involved in the dc's lives he has no idea what sports matches, events they are involved in, not even which year group to look out for.

It's pathetic.

OP posts:

speedywell · 22/06/2017 23:01

I really feel for you mollybear. He is a right royal arsehole.

Not changing plans etc is easier said than done when you got a manipulator like that who will just turn it round to make you look bad.

You are doing so well with not reacting. A masterclass in self control :)

Bet you can't wait for the day you get your own house. Hope it wont be too far away.


KoalaDownUnder · 22/06/2017 23:05

What a massively selfish prick. So glad for you that you're separating. Flowers


MollyBear · 22/06/2017 23:14

Thanks everyone.

It's nice to have it verified it's him being the arsehole, not me being U.

Have got one more concert to go this term (evening this time, so if he upsets ds1 again I won't be able to go again as can't leave him with babysitter if upset) and sports day. Which will be a loooong day, but at least I'll get to slope off early to collect ds1 from school. Stbx will stay, socialising his socks off, as that's why he's going - he doesn't have a clue what events the dc are doing.

Would be more useful if he could ever attend parents evening for any of the dc, but that's not as social an event, so not the 'place to be seen', so doesn't really hit his radar.

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 22/06/2017 23:16

In future I think I would just email him about each event and also say if you are planning on attending please arrange to make your own way there and back.

The onus is then on him.


PeaFaceMcgee · 22/06/2017 23:17

Ugh. What a fucknugget.


MollyBear · 22/06/2017 23:22

That's the thing, allthebest, I'm not his secretary! He has a responsible, high earning job. He can read calendars and schedules.

If he hadn't taken himself off every email,distribution list from the dc's schools, he'd get reminders from school too.

Hell, if he just paid attention to what his own dc say every so often, he'd also get wind of what is happening.

It's not my job to spoon feed him this information.

OP posts:

Summerisdone · 22/06/2017 23:34

Your STBXH sounds like a complete arsehole OP, and you did very well not to let him see how much he pissed you off.

My ex is very similar, I told him mid Nov last year that DS had his nursery nativity 16th December, I even mentioned it a couple of weeks later when I asked him to see if either of his sisters had any old shepherds outfits of their sons, he told me a couple of days later that they don't. Then on the Saturday before the nativity I text him exact timings of the play and explained how it was going to be at the church up the road from DS's nursery; he went berserk at me for apparently not telling him, insisting that I definitely couldn't have mentioned it prior as he would most certainly have booked the morning off work just to be there.
I was accused of being selfish and spiteful and called many foul names.

It actually turned out to be lovely not having him there though and DS's sports day is next week, I mentioned it 2 weeks ago when I found out but will definitely not be bringing it up again as I know ex will have forgotten, so I can enjoy the event on my own, just as I do everything else for DS.


Tazerface · 22/06/2017 23:39

He sounds like a bellend of the absolute highest degree and I'm sure this has only solidified in your mind that the split is the best thing for you and your boys.

My only suggestion would be to tell him YOU don't need coordinating at all - HE is the one that cocked everything up and from now on he can sort things out himself. Completely. No changes, no nothing on your part as you have your eldest to consider.

Good luck [flower]


Tazerface · 22/06/2017 23:41

Or Flowers even!


DoJo · 22/06/2017 23:48

I think you would be justified in using this as an example any time he asks you to do anything to accommodate his last-minute fuckwittedness in the future. If he wants to come to something last minute, say 'I thought we were trying to avoid the drama we had last time you decided to come along at the last minute' and repeat ad infinitum. He wants a lift 'I think that contributed to the issues we had last time which we both agreed we should avoid'.

If you can stand it, I would just leave it this time - he's clearly not going to acknowledge what a monumental bellend he's been, so just store it up ready for the next time (because I imagine that won't be long!) and use his own twattish attempt to spread the blame to your advantage.


NoSquirrels · 22/06/2017 23:52

Well, I can quite understand why you're divorcing him!

What PP said - tell him he needs to "coordinate" himself, as you'll be making your own arrangements from now on and expect him to do likewise. The school calendar is available to him, and he can ask the DC what year they're in. Perhaps suggest he contacts school and gets put back onto the mailing lists, as he will need to be more organised about his diary in future.

What an arse. The making your 70 yr old uncle walk was pretty appalling and you should have said no to him then. Sorry you missed your littlest in his concert- that sucks. Just don't let ex derail things for YOU from now on.


SomeOtherFuckers · 23/06/2017 00:23

Circle their events on the calendar - he's a cock but at least this way you can say you did


Chloe84 · 23/06/2017 01:33

I'm not sure why you gave him a lift, especially as he didn't ask but just said he 'should have a lift'.

Will he be moving out?


MollyBear · 23/06/2017 06:43

I have him a lift because, once again, he asked in front of the dc, and saying no would have made me out to be the unreasonable one. Never mind that he does pretty much the exact same walk every day to get to the station to commute (school is an extra 3 minutes walk, tops), and is in a suit when he does that. No idea why he suddenly needed to be in my car.

Uncle is fitter than both of us, so that is a bit of a red herring, I just found t incredibly rude - he has made the effort to attend his great-nephews concert (lives about 60 miles away), and to be turfed out of he car because Stbx thinks it's a 'bit warm' was a bit much. Uncle very much did not mind walking (but not the point, imo).

I will be contacting schools today to ask for separate mailings for everything from now on. It's not my job to make sure he knows what year his own dc are in, nor is it my job to highlight information he is more than capable of looking up/finding out.

It turns out that he missed the evening concert next week too, in his (clearly hasty) trawl through the calendar. I probably now won't be able able to go to that, as he is once again talking of 'might be able to make it' which will just leave ds1 sky high with anxiety, and I'll not be able to leave him with a babysitter. Uncle will go again, so dd will at least have someone watching, which is the main thing.

I have been upfront with the dc about why I didn't watch ds2's concert today ('daddy said something which upset ds1, and we had to leave') and will be again next week. He can fuck about as much as he likes, but I will make sure the dc know that my non-attendance is not because I am not interested, and I won't have ds1 blamed for it either.

OP posts:

abbsisspartacus · 23/06/2017 06:52

In this case I would deflect with I've already told you or I'm not sure can you check the calender for me

He sounds a twat


MollyBear · 23/06/2017 07:03

The nit letting him deflect things for me will not work for anything where ds1 is involved (in the event, or in any type of planning for it, like babysitter etc) because ds1 will get very upset easily by changes of plan, or uncertainty, and as esterday showed, it is all to easy for stbx to derail even at the last minute.

With ds1 (severe ASD plus learning difficulties) involved, I have no choice but to take the line of least resistance - better for everyone around us, much better for ds1, and ultimately better for me (ds1 is bigger than me, and if his anxiety rockets out of control can get physical. Not fun).

Stbx knows this, and whilst I would like to think he wouldn't play on it, I am not actually sure (yesterday's farce being an example of this - he knew the timings, and tried to blame me for him needing to leave saying id told him it would only be 5 minutes!)

OP posts:

gamerwidow · 23/06/2017 07:13

He is playing on your need to not be the bad guy in front of the kids. You are going to have to call his bluff and risk temporarily upsetting the kids in order to get him to stop this crap.
Hard to do but you'll only have to do it a few times before he realises he can't manipulate you like this anymore.


gamerwidow · 23/06/2017 07:15

To be fair I have no experience of ASD so I know my advice might be very poor in practice but all the time he has your fear of upsetting Ds1 to hold over you he will use it. What a dick though I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap.


Msqueen33 · 23/06/2017 07:26

What an utter jerk! I have two with asd so planning essential. He sounds like a controlling bastard.

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