AIBU? Just need a rant

[MollyBear]

I just need to get this out as I've been cross about it all day.

This morning was ds2's concert. He's in reception, and has been excited about it for weeks. I planned to go, along with one of my uncles (who is really good at stepping into quasi-grandparent role), and had to take ds1 (12, severe ASD) along too due to logistics. Been planned for ages. Ds1 was fine about it - meant him getting to school a bit late, but all good, and he likes going along for the snack, and having a chat with other parents/teachers.

Yesterday, STBXH suddenly asks me what this concert is that ds2 is talking about, and gets stroppy that I haven't told him about it (we are recently separated, still live in same house, and I bloody gave him the school calendar the day after it arrived back in April, and have repeatedly pointed him in its direction since). Then announces he will come along too. Great for ds2, not so for ds1 with last minute change of plan etc, but hey ho, I'll get him through it.

So, come this morning. Stbxh appears 10 minutes before I am due to leave with my uncle and the dc, and says he thinks he should have a lift too ((he NEVERcomes on school run, so another change, and other concerts he has attended he took his own car, and met us there), and that my uncle should walk down and meet us there, because it's too hot for H to walk down in his suit (wtf? My uncle is almost 70, and umm, a guest?!). Plus another change for ds1 to deal with.

But we get on with it, and get ds2 to school, meet uncle there, no worries. Ds1 doing really well, considering.

We get into the hall, sit down, and within 5 minutes, Stbx announces that he thinks he'll have to leave halfway through (it's a bloody reception concert, fgs, it only lasts about 20 minutes!) because he has a meeting he really can't miss at work. Ds1 hears, gets really anxious, I manage to tell Stbx that I don't think it's a great idea - ds1 will hit the roof, and go overboard asking where's daddy going? over and over, and ds2 might be a bit upset to see his dad walking out in the middle!

Stbx argues, saying I didn't tell him how long it would be, and ds1 goes into meltdown as can't cope with yet another plan change. I take ds1 out, Stbx stays.

I couldn't calm ds1 enough to go back in at all, so I missed the whole concert, but had to wait for Stbx afterwards so ds1 could say goodbye before going to school - as he came out, Stbx hissed 'we need to coordinate this better, this whole thing could have been avoided' said goodbye to ds1 and strode off.

Sorry, that's all really long! But just needed to rant about it, as I'm still fuming.

(ds2 was a trooper, btw, and despite seeing ds1 and me outside as he went in to perform, took it really well that I wasn't watching, and didn't get put off, which is the main thing)

I totally get that you shouldn't have to spoon feed him the information, but for the sake of your DS's then I think I would probably do so. Just a quick email so there is clear evidence that he did know and also to make it clear your arrangements for the event (so no lifts for him etc)
I the future it may also be useful to prove that you have not deliberately excluded him from his children's lives.

Your ex is a prick but I'll be honest you don't help yourself or your DC's at all. I cannot believe you just said "ok" when he said about coordinating better, why did you not take the chance to say "we are separated, I make my plans and you make yours, you will not disrupt me or the children like you did today etc etc " and you should have said no to the left, besides being very rude to your uncle you should have just said no and stuck to your plans. You not wanting to be unreasonable in front of your children when you weren't the unreasonable one has meant you were rude, both of your children have been effected and your ex has gotten what he wanted surely being seen to be unreasonable is the lesser or two evils there? You need to stop being so submissive and letting him walk all over you. I really feel for your poor ds and his concert, all because his father is a knob but his mother didn't want to be "seen to be unreasonable"

I'm sorry but I can't believe you let your uncle walk. It doesn't matter how healthy he is, you know it was wrong.
Of course your wanker of an ex is going to keep throwing his weight around if you keep giving in

Cross posted with cabbage who summed it up perfectly

Things like this will only get harder to coordinate when he moves out of the house.

I suggest you set up an online calendar and put the DC things in there. You can also add who has the DC when, so it's absolutely crystal clear. Ok it's not ideal that you're coordinating, but if it stops uncertainty for your DC that is good. You can both set up the calendars on your phones - then he has no excuse about not knowing.

I know you feel as if you shouldn't have to be the one organising stuff - but a small time sacrifice of just adding stuff to the calendar means everything might be calmer in the longer term for you all.

But if it's changed in plans that upset DS1, then don't change your plans.

DS1 expected to go in car with Uncle = Stbx has to walk

Next week - book babysitter, stick to your plan despite whether STBX can be there or not.

Make it crystal clear to him - changes in arrangements distress your DS. So, from now on I shall plan arrangements to suit me and the DC. If you can come, arrange yourself. If not, fine. But planned arrangements I have made will stand, and will not be altered despite your plans.

When he moves out you won't have the "lift" scenario but you'll have other stuff - draw your line in the sand now.

I'd set up an online calendar and then leave him to check it. You're not his personal PA. you need to draw a line in the sand as to what you won't stand for as he'll continue to try and walk all over you.

He's a twat who wants attention and to wind you up. You ended up missing a concert you had put a plan in place for due to his dickish attitude.

He refuses to use an online calendar, and has ignored all attempts from me to e.g. have a family calendar in kitchen from me with all info on. Believe me I've tried! I put all the info there, and he still ends up not looking/not paying attention and asking me anyway. My line in he sand now is to not be responsible in any way for his part in arrangements, it's the best thing for my sanity.

In future, I will not attempt to take ds1 along. It will mean some fairly major changes, but it's the fly in the ointment, unfortunately. I know some pp has seen me going along with Stbx' last minute changes as weak, but there really isn't another way when severe ASD is involved. E.g. I had to agree to the lift changes, because otherwise there would have been an unpleasant atmosphere and it's unlikely I would even have got ds1 out of the house and into the car, even though I was trying to stick to the original plan.

Likewise, when he said about coordinating plans, I said 'ok' because I didn't want it to escalate into a row, with him knowing how annoyed I am. He is looking for a reaction, I am trying not to give him one.

I will ensure the school puts him back on distribution emails, and that all correspondence is sent to us both separately. He is an adult, and it is up to him to make his arrangements. I will make my arrangements as best I can so that I am not left over a barrel because of ds1's issues, and that is all I can do.

He never attends any events at ds1's school anyway, so that's ok, and I can't take ds1 to dd's events (not accessible for him, and too long/boring), so it's only ds2's stuff I have to rearrange for, and that only for the next year or so as after that it stops all being in the morning/after drop off as he gets older.

I can't stick to my plans for next weeks concert because it involves leaving ds1 and ds2's with a babysitter while I go to the concert, and Stbx will then come home from business trip (he is away for a couple of nighths, coming back he evening if concert, timings are tight), go home, probably wind ds1 up, and I can't leave a babysitter to cope with that.

Molly it sounds really tough, and you know your DS1 best so of course you must do what you think in the moment. Just try not to let STBX use it as a way to fuck with you.

I would tell him firmly, one more time, that he MUST NOT disrupt plans you have made fir the benefit of his DC, that he is an adult who understands full well the issues DS1 has so he must agree to taking his parental responsibility seriously by planning his involvement properly in advance.

When will he/you move out and separate properly? Do you have mediation in hand? If not worth looking into?

I have told him till I'm blue in the face that he needs to step up and act in ds1's best interests. He won't. He just says that ds1 can't expect everyone to do everything his way, and that he (stbx) won't be controlled in that way. He says it isn't fair on the younger ones. What isn't fair is ds2 expecting me to be there, (and I could/would have been able to be there, even with ds1) and then I can't watch because stbx screws it all up. But he won't see it that way, and turns it all back on me.

Separation is very recent - dc don't know yet - so a while to go yet before separating properly/separate homes. Ive seen a solicitor, and am waiting initial letters to start divorce. Must chase that up, actually.

Yes it was incredibly rude of YOU to let your uncle walk while you gave his seat in the car to your ex at the last minute.
You are accomodating his shit. stop it.

I have been upfront with the dc about why I didn't watch ds2's concert today ('daddy said something which upset ds1, and we had to leave')

Was that necessary? What's wrong with just saying that DS1 got upset and you had to leave.

LiveLong it's incredibly rude of young not to RTFT. OP has explained that if she said no to STBEX getting a lift he would created tension which would have led to her DS having a meltdown, and therefore meant she could not go to the school event.

Tiegrr, yes, imo it was necessary.

Ds1 was doing really well dealing with being at the concert (change in routine, noisy, lots of people). We have managed them before (or I wouldn't have contemplated taking ds1 in the first place). We only had to leave because stbx upset ds1 with th his poor planning and ridiculous idea that he was going to stand up in the middle of a reception class concert and leave.

I don't want ds2 (or dd, in different circumstances) blaming ds1 for things which are not his fault. Ds2 was sad I hadn't been able to watch his concert, and I don't want him thinking that it was because of ds1. I have seen other assemblies/plays/harvest festival etc - with ds1 - and there was no reason why this should have been any different. Until stbx started dicking around.

Dd and ds2 do have limits and restrictions on their lives because of ds1's disability. You can't live with severe disabilities and not have limits and restrictions. I do my best to get around them, and for the most part manage to do so, with a bit of compromise from all of us. If something is absolutely not possible, I am upfront with them about it, and usually manage to arrange things differently to make at least part of it possible. What I didn't want ds2 to take from this experience was that ds1 had spoiled it for him - he didn't. If stbx wants to muck ds1 around, he can own it. I will deal with the immediate aftermath (because ds1 needs me to), but he can shoulder the responsibility for messing it all up.

Livelong, I agree, it was rude. I have repeatedly said so on the thread. But I really had no choice. I had two dc to get to school (dd and ds2), and I needed ds1 to be as calm as possible in the face of already changing plans. Even a split second hesitation would have seen ds1's anxiety rocket, let alone a conversation about manners, or controlling behaviours. That's the nature of ds1's ASD. So, in the moment, I had to take the best decision for that time, which was my uncle walking (it's a 10/12 minute walk, which he was happy to do). I don't like that I did it, but there would have been an almighty blow up if I hadn't, meaning dd would have been late for school, ds2 would have been upset, ds1 would have been in meltdown - really not a great result.

Tbf, if ds2 (at 4 years old) knows not to mess ds1 around with changing plans etc, then I certainly expect stbx to manage it too.

We're not talking about a little bit upset. We're talking about ds1 feeling so scared it makes him question everything he knows. Feeling so scared it makes him want to control everything and everyone around him. When, instead, making a plan and letting him know what to expect and what will happen means he is able to live a happier, more fulfilling life. It's not rocket science.

but he can shoulder the responsibility for messing it all up.

But are your kids going to understand that or are they just going to be upset by their parents blaming each other whenever something goes wrong.

My concern is not about your ex's feelings, but that soon enough, your children are going to have to deal with your and your partner separating. There's going to be a world of hurt and confusion in their lives and this kind of sniping at their father won't help them navigate it.

I'm coming to this with the perspective of someone whose parents haven't split up, but who had to watch their mother blamed for causing problems whenever something didn't go to plan. And it was awful.

I can see your point.

Sometimes, plans don't work. It's happened to us, and we either try to adapt the plan, or abandon. If I had had to leave because the hall was too noisy for ds1 (or a million other reasons, which were ds1's "fault") I would have told ds2 that, and also told him we would work out a way to make it happen next time/fix it/whatever. Our lives are ALL about compromise.

This wasn't about plans not working out. It was about stbx's complete inability to plan whatsoever, from beginning to end. And so he can step up and take responsibility for that. If I had even known he was going to attend, I would have planned it all very differently in the first place, because ds1 needs weeks of planning to even attempt the smallest of 'normal' activities.

You are right, their whole lives are going to change, and I do not want them to put any of the changes which will come about at ds1's door. Dd and ds2 do have to accept that we do things very differently due to ds1's disabilities. Essentially, I guess, I am trying to foster their sibling relationship as much as I can.

I haven't gone into specifics with ds2, just lightly said 'ds1 got upset at something daddy said', and turned the conversation around and got him to describe the concert for me etc. I don't blame stbx all the time - I defend him if/where necessary (trains running late, having to be away for work, whatever), but this one time, I thought it better for ds2 to know a bit about why I could watch, so that he didn't blame ds1 for something which was in no way his fault (and could, and SHOULD, have been avoided)

I haven't gone into specifics with ds2, just lightly said 'ds1 got upset at something daddy said', and turned the conversation around and got him to describe the concert for me etc.

That way of phrasing and talking does sound a lot more reasonable to me.

It sounds like a complex balancing act you've to keep going all the time. Hopefully things will get easier for you once stbx is out of the house and that source of tension is no longer there.

Mollybear I can't see how you can be criticsed here. You are between a rock and hard place. And especially having to still live under same roof. Your STBXH sounds like a complete ** (insert swear words of choice)

There are just some people who will scupper or poison or twist or provoke no matter what you do or don't, and you are clearly the only responsible, reasonable adult here. You feel and dispaly waaaaay more responsibility to care for the DCS and their wellbeing, and to sort all this out than he does, and because you are responsible you care, you can be guilt tripped into thinking what you can do or what you should have done.

Don't waste time or energy working out how you should handle or manage his unreasonableness, just press on with the divorce and get some new living separate arrangements ASAP. The you can start to set some boundaries without him being able to pressurise you infront of the children.

I agree that random or unjustifed criticsm in front of kids is damaging, but a lot of the time it is obvious even to children who is at fault so I wouldn't worry about sometimes having to point out that it is STBXH did something that you disagreed with or that upset DS1. The way you did it sounds fine. Simple and to the point, and (miraculously becasue you are only human) not loaded with judgement and emotion.

These next few events might be tricky but think of next year when you are free of him and although I'm sure there will be some frustrating instances with him in the future, it won't be anything like as bad as it is now.

I think you are incredible to be honest, and an inspriation in your handling of this really difficult situation.

LiveLong it's incredibly rude of young not to RTFT. OP has explained that if she said no to STBEX getting a lift he would created tension which would have led to her DS having a meltdown, and therefore meant she could not go to the school event

I did read it, enough to see that taking the ex with her led to exactly that, she missed the event while the child had a meltdown outside. Sticking to the original plan of going with the uncle would have been a better plan all around, and letting the ex do his own thing would have been less disruptive to all concerned.

speedywell , thanks. I am neither incredible, nor inspirational, just trying to get through a difficult time.

Livelong, if I had stopped to discuss the lift thing with Stbx, then it would have been a miracle if I'd managed to get ds1 in the car at all. As it was, I did, and we got through 2 school drop offs, negotiated a crowded and busy hall, got through snacks and chats, before it all went truly tits up because Stbx kept being an idiot. Please trust that I know my children. Being rude to my uncle (who is not at all put out, believe me) was by far the easiest and best thing to do in that situation.

In your scenario, I would have had Stbx trying to have a row before we left the house, an agitated ds1 who, if I managed to get him into the car would have spent the next 20 minutes stressing over where his dad was, would he be late, can't see him, does he know where to go, where is he, getting more and more wound up, and it's not as though I could have relied on Stbx to do what my uncle did - be where he said he would be, when he said he would be there (i.e. 5 minutes before we got there, so ds1 didn't have to worry).

As other posters have identified, he does have me in a situation where he gets what he wants, as I try to minimise the stress for the dc (esp ds1), but in reality it is just strengthening my resolve and adding to the list of unreasonable behaviour. I have spoken to my lawyer, and papers should be with me early next week to get started on divorce.

I've got two with asd and I'm careful about sibling resentment. Your ex is the grown up and he needs to bloody act it! I think unless you live with asd and rigid routines and anxiety it's hard to understand.

msqueen, it's tough isn't it? Dd and ds2 also have ASD, but much higher functioning than ds1, and not particularly relevant to this thread/situation. Trying to protect sibling relationships, and avoid resentment can be tricky, when they all find it hard to see another's point of view!

Why are you the one left looking after DC1 all the time? Why can't he?