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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nanny contact.

69 replies

funkky · 22/06/2017 15:25

Nanny has been with us for a few days. A bit of background, she was on holiday and I interviewed her a few times over FaceTime. She's been nannying for over 10 years , older lady and had the most amazing references from three of her previous employers who she was with for approx 3 years each and I actually met one of the mums who had nothing but praise for her.
I call her once everyday at my lunchtime as it's zilch communication from her if I don't. Yesterday, she says to me, are you going to have to call me everyday? You don't have to I'll contact you if anything is wrong or you can send me a text.
I'm miffed and almost in tears , I've left a baby in her care. Conversations have been awkward and she is really set in her ways insisting on doing certain things in certain ways.
I terribly miss my kids as I have been home with them for a year before returning to work and I am away 11 hours a day to not even hear a peep from her about what's going on. She does give me feedback at the end of the day but does not like to take instructions e.g. About what to give them for lunch or been passive aggressive whenever I try to provide any input.
I Didn't discuss my communicating daily during the interview as surely a parent should be able to call for updates if needed as no big deal.
AIBU to think this is a deal breaker and I have to find someone else. She is lovely with the kids, house is clean and honestly she does more than her fair share of work, she just likes to not get any input from me and its really awkward between us now.
Do parents with nannies just leave them to it the whole day? Dh thinks I should just let her get on with it and be thankful the kids are fine and she's good with them. but she is quite bossy and I see further issues if I let this one slide I mean she's upset about one phone call a day?!

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 22/06/2017 15:29

It isn't usual to keep calling. You are making her feel untrustorthy and checked up on.

If your baby was at a nursery there is no way they would take daily calls beyond a couple of settling in days.

However they would usually have a daily diary. that they mark down nappy changes, things baby/child will have done/milestones reached etc.

Would you feel happy if she did something like this?

Sweatingcobbles · 22/06/2017 15:31

She needs to follow your instructions and routine and I think it's fine if you want to make sure the kids are okay the first couple of days but in no nanny job I have done have I contacted the parents daily while they are at work or been contacted by them unless there is an issue. Or any nursery I have been in for that matter.
I would have felt I wasn't trusted or constantly being checked up on and it could upset the kids if they hear you on the phone.

So yanbu to expect her to follow your routine and rules but yab a little u on the daily phone call imo

dinkystinky · 22/06/2017 15:33

Its definitely not usual to keep calling - and can be disrupting for the kids who are getting used to her. She should follow your routines though.

When I came back to work after having my children, for the first couple of days my nanny texted me to let me know all was going well but otherwise there is no contact unless I need to tell her something re the kids/house or vice versa.

user1483387154 · 22/06/2017 15:36

It completely depends on what you want from your Nanny. I have worked with families who just left me to it and I have worked with families who would contact me multiple times a day and loved getting photos, updates and funy stories throughout the day. These parents often phoned to speak to their children too (2 years and 1 yr) and would get very excited when they heard my phone ring cause they knew it would be the parents.

Finding a Nanny that fits in with your familiy requirements is challenging especially if you are not sure to begin with exactly what you want. I would hope that speaking to her about it so she understands where you are coming from and that it is not about checking up on her, would mean that the relationship can continue

Snap8TheCat · 22/06/2017 15:37

I've been a cm for 8 years and literally looked after dozens of children. No parent has checked in daily aside from a few days settling in and even then they were texts

FreeButtonBee · 22/06/2017 15:38

I would explain that you are just missing your baby and would like to check in briefly every day until you are all a bit more settled. This is the advantage of a nanny over nursery! Maybe check if there is a good/bad time for her (would be annoying if you phoned just as baby was down for a nap and she was having her lunch, for example).

Perhaps set up a what's app or photostreaming group so that she can send you photos throughout the day? I love this.

A daily diary is also very useful. I have an A4 day to a page diary and nap time/meals/any other important info gets put in there (eg if sick, times of medicine, dentist/haircut/playdate/classe/family visits etc etc)

And do remember that you are her employer and that you need to work on your relationship too. Try to see things from her perspective and how your actions could be viewed differently.

BeachyKeen · 22/06/2017 15:38

Not at all normal to call all the time, implies you think she can't manage.
Either she is as good as you say, in which case let her get on with it, or she isn't capable and you let her go, and start your search again.

PinkFluffs1 · 22/06/2017 15:38

You are micromanaging her. How is she supposed to take care of the children AND soothe you every day for whenever you want a chat?

No.

You're going to lose an amazing nanny if you carry on like this.

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 22/06/2017 15:39

My nursery has always said that you can call as often as needed, but I admit that after a few days. I started only calling if they were upset as I left. And after that only if there was something usual like they'd been unsettled the day before or something.

I don't know that it's the phonecalls that are really the problem. You sound like you are having a personality clash.

I don't think I could cope with someone in my home - I'd want to tell them what was for lunch - but I can see why she might feel differently. It's one of the reasons I chose a nursery over a nanny even though it's probably more expensive with 3 toddlers.

Allthewaves · 22/06/2017 15:40

Let the nanny get on with it

RenaissanceBunny · 22/06/2017 15:42

I'm a nanny and I pick up after school, do homework, dinner, etc. I always text the parents when we get back to the house. Just what kind of day their DD had, what she had for lunch, any interesting thing that had happened, and to ask what they'd like me to give her for dinner. I've always done this since I started because if it were my child I wouldn't want to go 9 or more hours not knowing how they are. For your baby I would expect to write a nanny diary and text everyday around lunchtime just to let you know how things were going.

Original poster

funkky · 22/06/2017 15:45

Thanks for your replies and for being kind.....I honestly thought it was standard but I have obviously not been nannied or had a nanny before.
I will hands off a bit more and try to enjoy this experience

OP posts:

n0rtherrn · 22/06/2017 15:47

You need to unclench.

You decided to return to work and employ a nanny, you need to learn to adapt to that change and trust her.

Daily calls would drive me mad. I would feel like you didn't trust me, and I would feel harassed if I was trying to say make lunch, get the kids out of the door etc, and the phone was going and it was just Mum wanting a chat.

It's not unreasonable to expect her to feed them a certain way, but expecting daily phone calls and regular updates, no, that's not reasonable.

RelaxMax · 22/06/2017 15:47

It's not normal to communicate that much - nanny will let you know if there's an issue, otherwise you shouldn't expect to her from her during the day.

Look at it from her point of view - would you like it if your boss rang you once a day, when you were busy working, to just check you were doing your job and nothing disastrous had happened?

I suspect your sadness about missing your children is colouring your views here - it really is normalto hear nothing from childcare for the day.

The refusal to follow your instructions is the bigger issue. Sometimes you can find that very experienced nannies have a bit of an attitude that they know best (and they sometimes do!). If you really feel like she's not doing as you say, you need to sit down with her and say you were expecting more control over routines etc. She may think that you want more guidance from her than you really do.

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 22/06/2017 15:48

Maybe other people more experienced with nannies could answer this:

Would it be possible to request a daily text update at lunchtime? Then you wouldn't need to phone and disturb her (it is frustrating when you're halfway through a nappy change or have just got baby off to sleep), and you'd get a little update to set your mind at ease?

It might not be what she's done with previous families, but to me it doesn't sound an unreasonable request. What say more experienced nannies/people who've had nannies.

eurochick · 22/06/2017 15:50

I only check in if they are ill. Otherwise the nanny is left to it. She sometimes sends us texts or photos if she has done something unusual or funny.

cakesandphotos · 22/06/2017 15:52

I usually send the mum a couple of texts during the day, letting them know how the kids are doing, particularly there has been an issue at school and she just wants to know everything is ok. Sometimes I send photos of the kids. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting updates but maybe calling every day is a bit much? My boss would only call me if she needed to contact me urgently or if school had contacted her for something like one of the boys being poorly and needing picked up

LaurieMarlow · 22/06/2017 15:53

I had a fabulous nanny. I learnt early on the way to keep her on side was to let her get on with things as she saw fit. I never regretted that for a second, even if it wasn't exactly as I would have done.

So back off. Asking for one daily update text probably isn't unreasonable, but beyond that, let her get on with her job.

NataliaOsipova · 22/06/2017 16:02

You decided to return to work and employ a nanny, you need to learn to adapt to that change and trust her.

This is it in a nutshell, I'm afraid. And I think that she's taken the stance she has is a good sign, actually - in as much as it shows that she is a confident professional.

whatsleep · 22/06/2017 16:05

I'm sure if you had a chat to let her know that your struggling to let go and would really appreciate if she would send you a few pics or nice comments as to what the kids are up to. Reassure her that in no way is it because you don't trust her or want to check up on her. I nannied for several families over the years and my thought would be that she probably feels a little defensive, thinking that you are checking up on her rather than the kids. Just be honest with her, if she's great at her job she must be a pretty caring person.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 22/06/2017 16:05

I'm a nanny and in my last role I'd only contact my boss if I needed too, she'd contact me if she needed to (e.g. A call from school or club etc) and we had a catch up at the end of the day but she just let me get on with it and I really appreciated that

When I started in my My current job my boss rang once or twice a day and text several times and if I didn't answer within 15 mins (although I try to text back quickly there are times when I can't-bath time, story time, walking down the road with buggy and toddler holding hand etc) would text "is all ok?!?!?!?! " and then phone...she's calmed down over the last year but still calls almost everyday during naptime and it's an absolute pain. I'm normally in the middle of something (cooking, tidying etc) or just sat down for some lunch for 10m...texting would be so much easier then I can reply at my leisure (within 30mins) and not have to stop what I'm doing in that precious 1h I have, to talk for 10+ minutes and if she calls at other times then the kids are in the background and the conversation takes even longer...I feel like she doesn't trust me quite frankly

BewareOfDragons · 22/06/2017 16:05

I'm glad you've taken the advice on board, OP.

It sounds like you have found a really good, experienced nanny for your children and your home.

unfortunateevents · 22/06/2017 16:05

How did you end up only interviewing her on FaceTime? I suspect you are a loving mother who is missing her children and readjusting to the world of work and she is a loving, very experienced nanny who is getting on and doing a good job. The problem is that, without knowing very much about each other, you have a mismatch of expectations which might have become clear if you had interviewed in person. Had she not met your children before accepting the job?

You need to sit down and explain to her that you are not doubting her judgement or experience but that you are still adjusting to this new routine and she needs to try and accommodate you, for as long as it takes. I hope you won't still be calling her in a month's time on a daily basis! If she can't or won't accommodate that, then best you part ways early on.

MarcelineTheVampire · 22/06/2017 16:11

OP I don't think YABU - my CM sends me texts throughout the day and photos of what they are doing.

I realise that nurseries wouldn't do this and that is why I wanted a more personalised service and opted for a CM.

I would have a word with the nanny and set your expectations - I don't think it's micromanaging her at all, you just want to know your kids are safe and happy.

Original poster

funkky · 22/06/2017 16:12

No - she didn't meet the kids before hand. I naively went with her references as she was on holiday and I was interviewing for a new job so couldn't really nail down a start date until the last minute and it was all very tricky.

I did interview a few in person and she did surpass them even though it was facetime) but I have learnt that a personality match is also important when getting child care especially as she is a live in nanny.

I will in this case put my kids first as long as they are getting on well..........

OP posts:

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