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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny contact.

69 replies

funkky · 22/06/2017 15:25

Nanny has been with us for a few days. A bit of background, she was on holiday and I interviewed her a few times over FaceTime. She's been nannying for over 10 years , older lady and had the most amazing references from three of her previous employers who she was with for approx 3 years each and I actually met one of the mums who had nothing but praise for her.
I call her once everyday at my lunchtime as it's zilch communication from her if I don't. Yesterday, she says to me, are you going to have to call me everyday? You don't have to I'll contact you if anything is wrong or you can send me a text.
I'm miffed and almost in tears , I've left a baby in her care. Conversations have been awkward and she is really set in her ways insisting on doing certain things in certain ways.
I terribly miss my kids as I have been home with them for a year before returning to work and I am away 11 hours a day to not even hear a peep from her about what's going on. She does give me feedback at the end of the day but does not like to take instructions e.g. About what to give them for lunch or been passive aggressive whenever I try to provide any input.
I Didn't discuss my communicating daily during the interview as surely a parent should be able to call for updates if needed as no big deal.
AIBU to think this is a deal breaker and I have to find someone else. She is lovely with the kids, house is clean and honestly she does more than her fair share of work, she just likes to not get any input from me and its really awkward between us now.
Do parents with nannies just leave them to it the whole day? Dh thinks I should just let her get on with it and be thankful the kids are fine and she's good with them. but she is quite bossy and I see further issues if I let this one slide I mean she's upset about one phone call a day?!

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 22/06/2017 16:13

It sounds like your are really struggling with going back to work - have you gone back too soon do you think? Or how about a part time job?

Original poster
funkky · 22/06/2017 16:15

Not really, I love being back to work thank you.

OP posts:
MarcelineTheVampire · 22/06/2017 16:15

However, I would suggest text rather than calls as that may get tiresome- I hate it when I have to answer a call when busy.

Funnyface1 · 22/06/2017 16:15

I have no experience with this, I'm a sahm at the moment, but here's my opinion.

This lady is being employed by you. I think that gives you the right to communicate with her how you would like things done. I'm assuming you're not asking for anything outlandish, just the basic way that things will work best for you and the kids etc. If it were any other job, hair dresser, cleaner, gardener, you would tell them what you wanted doing. There is nothing more important than your children, so surely this applies.

You have a long working day, of course you should be able to check in with her. I don't care what a nursery would let you do. Surely that's one of the perks of hiring a nanny instead, a more personal approach? I find it hard to believe that no previous employer ever wanted to check in on their kids.

Trust is a must in this so if you like her and want to keep her, have a talk with her soon. Just explain how much you like her, but that you are the parent and want the input. If it doesn't go down well you'll know to find a replacement and be explicit from the off. Good luck.

RandomMess · 22/06/2017 16:16

Could you have a chat with her and ask if she could send you little text updates as and when because you are missing the baby and just want to here what the baby is up to whilst you get used to not being with him/her 24/7. I would directly tell her that you're not checking up on her you're just finding the transition emotionally difficult.

So a text "Off to the park", "Bit grumpy after her nap this afternoon but all smiles again now!" - if that is the sort of thing you need?

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 22/06/2017 16:17

Funkky it's absolutely fine to text (as long as you don't expect a response immediately) or ask for the odd picture throughout the day (I always say I will send them when I can but it may not be everyday) but calling everyday does feel like your being checked up on. Talk to your nanny and explain that you're not checking up on her, you're just finding the transition a little harder then you thought and could she send you a pic or two or a little update IF she gets a chance

sailawaywithme · 22/06/2017 16:24

I must disagree with most posters. We've had a nanny for the past 5 years. I don't call her often but text at least once a day, sometimes just to say "How is the day going?" She will send me random photos or cute things that have happened, or that the kids have said. It would feel rather odd, almost aggressive even, if she was resistant to my "check-ins." As long as you're not asking for a daily run down of everything that was said and done, I don't see an issue with it.

Actually, it would be a red flag for me if our nanny actually said to me, "You're not going to call every day, are you?" My first instinct would be to wonder what she was trying to hide. These are your children - why would you not want to check in every day? I think it's kind of odd that so many parents are happy to go a full day without any contact.

LaurieMarlow · 22/06/2017 16:26

If it were any other job, hair dresser, cleaner, gardener, you would tell them what you wanted doing. There is nothing more important than your children, so surely this applies.

Spoken like someone who's never hired a nanny.

Yes, you would tell these people what you want done. However, you wouldn't tell them how to achieve it. I'll tell my hairdresser I want highlights, but I won't tell her how to mix the chemicals to make this happen. That's her job, where she has expertise and my opinion isn't helpful.

Same with the Nanny, You tell her you want happy, healthy, secure, well cared for children. You don't micromanage how she achieves that. For example, my Nanny loved to be out and about with DS all day. If I'd told her she had to stay in the house, she'd have been miserable and so would he. They both thrived doing things her way.

Trust is important, but it has to work both ways. If the nanny doesn't feel trusted and supported, she'll walk.

Southeastlondonmum · 22/06/2017 16:31

I agree with sail away with me. Had several nannies- the last one was literally Mary poppins and I miss her loads. They would naturally send me a few pictures throughout our the day. Or let me know if they were going out to dinner or something unusual. I loved it. I couldn't employ anyone that wasn't prepared to at least do this on request.

sailawaywithme · 22/06/2017 16:31

If nanny considers one phone call a day to be a sign that her employer is micromanaging, or doesn't trust her, nanny is the person with an issue. Regardless of the employment context, a manager checking in once a day is not a sign of lack of trust.

Spoken by someone who has had nannies for almost 10 years.

MinesaLattecino · 22/06/2017 16:33

Do you want to check up on her, or do you want to see/hear about your child?

Maybe look into some sort of app where you can see your LO for a set time during the day - a couple of minutes during your lunchtime/their nap time perhaps? I had a colleague have one for checking up on their dog Grin so it must be possible, you'd have to explain it to the nanny of course.

tissuesosoft · 22/06/2017 16:35

Do you have whatsapp? And does your Nanny? Most days my childminder sends a couple of pics of DD doing an activity. It's nice to see her having fun during the day!
Oh and the reason I say whatsapp is because it doesn't cost anything to send pics or a short video like normal messages do

KimKardashiansArse · 22/06/2017 16:35

As a mother rather than a nanny this would piss me off. It isn't asking much for a daily update on how your children are. The nursery my children are at have always said to call anytime.

To resolve it, I would ask her to call me at a convenient time. You shouldn't have to explain yourself, it's a reasonable request and she's your employee. Similarly I would expect her to do things in the way I asked.

As I said, I'm not a nanny or in childcare, and if I told my boss I wasn't prepared to give her updates on my work whenever she wanted and that I'd do things how I wanted to rather than the way I was asked I'd be shown the door. I never understand these threads that suggest a different set of rules apply to nannies.

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 22/06/2017 16:45

Laurie - I wouldn't expect to tell a hairdresser how to mix chemicals for a highlights, but I would expect to tell someone preparing a meal for my child in my house which food I had planned for use that day. How on earth can you mealplan if the nanny just looks in the fridge and does what she likes.

And I don't think semi-regular updates or photos where necessary is an unreasonable request. My preschool does tapestry, my nursery puts photos on a private Facebook group and I email pictures to my husband on days I'm at home with them.

Funnyface1 · 22/06/2017 16:49

It's true, as I said, I've never had a nanny. But I have children and can sympathise with op. I can't imagine spending so much time away from my children and not being able to feel like I can call once quickly to check in.

I don't think she should step on nanny's toes, I made that clear, but I still think she should be able to feel she can communicate for the sake of her children.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/06/2017 17:48

def not normal to ring every day and check all is ok

thats called micro managing, leave your nanny to do her job

if any problems i will let the mum know

we do have a group wats app that i send pics, not every day , to mum and dad and also any other important info so i know both get it and read it, unlike a diary, many times ive written a diary and parents query something and i say its in the diary, and they reply i havnt read it ...... Hmm

im more surprised that she agreed to take on a job without meeting your dc ......

idril · 22/06/2017 19:39

It may not be normal but that doesn't mean that you are in the wrong! They are your children and you are the nanny's employer.

I had a nanny for 3 years and I am probably more of an "interferer" than most so when I interviewed people I knew that I had to find someone who was OK with this. I found the most amazing nanny who understood that I needed to be involved even though I wasn't there and she always listened to me when I wanted things done a certain way even though it might not be the way she would do it.

Didn't mean that I didn't trust her and we did work together as a team.

We are still great friends now even though she is no longer our nanny.

I also interviewed nannies who I knew wouldn't be right for me despite being very good nannies. It's all about finding the right person for you.

livsmommy · 22/06/2017 20:04

I am a nanny (and a mum now) and have had a couple of jobs where mum would call at lunchtime. If I wasn't busy or was at home I would answer, but if I didn't it wasn't a problem. They knew I would let them know if there were any issues. It's about trust, you need to be able to trust your nanny to follow a specific routine, or trust that she is capable of making desicions involving the home and children. In my situation it was slightly different as I worked for a friendship group, (different families at different times) when my first family moved to London I went to their friends next door, when they moved back to America I went to their friends in the next village, so there was no interviewing I just moved on to the next family that needed a nanny when each job came to a natural end. If I felt I was being checked up on I don't think I would've felt comfortable with that, but they were just calling for a general chat about the day which was fine, but as I said, if I couldn't take the call they never minded, they would either leave a message saying what they needed to say, or I would see them later, as they trusted me completely.

HookandSwan · 22/06/2017 20:27

My employers would never ring me unless they had an emergency etc.

We have what's app group and I send photos and updates. I wouldn't expect to be rang everyday while I'm trying to focus my attention on their child.

And lunch time is busy when your trying to feed a baby and get baby down for a nap and have a break uourself.

AvoidingCallenetics · 22/06/2017 20:36

I disagree with the majority view. She works for you and if you want to check in at lunchtime or decide what your dc are fed, then that is entirely your prerogative. The nanny shouldn't take that as a sign you don't trust her - of course you do as you have left your children with her. But they are your children and of course it's okay to want communication during the day.

In no other job would an employee be able to tell their boss not to give them instruction or check in during the working day. This, to me, is the upside of havong a nanny and not a nursery!

Gremlinsateit · 22/06/2017 20:38

I've had two lovely, well-qualified nannies, and one in particular was very long term. Both have been more than happy to text updates or take phone calls, and to consult about meals, even as the children grew older. It's not "micro-managing" in the least. Don't feel embarrassed about ringing - it's perfectly reasonable.

Personally I would reconsider the nanny if she is willing to make you uncomfortable in the first few days of the job.

Jengnr · 22/06/2017 20:42

One phonecall a day and she's complaining? SIBVVU. She works for you, she looks after your child. You're not checking up on her, you just miss them. She needs to get a grip.

My kids' nursery are happy to take calls whenever because they understand children and parents. If answering a call once a day is too much trouble I'd be a bit :/

working925 · 22/06/2017 20:47

I don't think you're wrong in the slightest. Your children and you're paying her but I do wonder if you'd be better off with a nursery.

Tallulahoola · 22/06/2017 20:50

Ringing home once a day is fine, in my view. Mine are at nursery so I don't ring to check on them, but I think the advantage of having a nanny is that you can call for a quick update.

I'm pretty shocked she would complain about it, particularly as she has glowing references. So in the nicest possible way OP, do you think in the course of these phone calls you might be bossing her around a bit? Or sounding overly anxious?

youaredeluded · 22/06/2017 20:51

Are you sure you are ready to be back at work? You don't sound like someone who is ready to hand over the majority of the parenting to someone else. Could you go part time maybe? At least you would get some time with the kids while they were awake then. So sorry for you all :(