DB puts family phone calls on speaker when his wife is there, is this normal??

[Evelight]

We are four siblings, and despite ups and downs, quite close. Two of us live in different countries. This DB is the only one married, the rest of us unmarried/divorced.

Anyway, when of one of us other siblings calls to talk to DB, sometimes about sensitive family affairs (divorces, illnesses, family quarrels, sometime money issues), if his wife is there, DB puts the phone on speaker. TBF, his wife doesn't sit in on the speaker, but the conversation is broadcast.

he says they do the same when her family calls.

From our point of view, this is unnecessary, and there are plenty of things we would like to (and sometimes need to) talk about with DB which we wouldn't necessarily want DSISL privy to. I should hasten to add, she is a perfectly nice, normal woman and we have no problems with her. We don't even mind if he later tells her what we were talking about. This speaker phone business just seems bizarre.

From his point of view, they are one unit, and they don't keep secrets from each other.

they are both fairly young (late twenties), and have been married for two years, so some honeymoon period thing? But it also means, since we are in different countries,we don't really "know" his wife, it's not like we have a long, established relationship with her.

Thoughts? Is this normal?

Maybe he loves his wife and shares everything with her....
Maybe it is easier for her to listen then for him to have to repeat it after you have gone...doesn't have to remember it all then

This is what I don't understand. Why would he have to repeat it all!?
It's a conversation with his sister! It's just a chat with a sibling!
What on earth does it have to do with his wife?
It's not in the same territory of 'sharing everything' with a partner
in the name of love.

"I love you so much you can listen in to all my phone calls"
It all sounds bloody ludicrous to me.

"Hey, come into the kitchen DH. I want you to listen in to my conversation with DB"

"Why"?

"Because I love you"

"I'm watching the Rugby"

"I'm sort of intrigued to know what all the sensitive stuff is that other families chat about, we must be very boring (and possibly lucky?)"

@user: Lucky. just very, very lucky.

over the last couple of years, we have had, as an extended family:
-two divorces
-sudden unexpected death, and consequent emotional/financial stuff
-horrible child custody issues, at one point involving police and emergency protection stuff
-overseas move
as well as more mundane stuff (minor hospitalizations, family quarrels).

We didn't used to be like this! I can't wait to be boring again!

"just that I empathise with that concern that your intimacy will be eroded due to this issue which is both minor and important. "
yes, yes,yes- again, in an accurate nutshell.

Is it mainly women with low self esteem who are desperate to hear what their husband is talking about to his family and get paranoid it's about them or feel excluded if they can't hear? I find it odd. My husband's family are his family not mine. If they want to discuss private stuff that's fine, they have a much closer bond with each other than I have with them. If they're discussing his dad's cancer or gambling problem or granny's dementia (all hypothetical) then that's fine, i don't need to be included.
I doubt many men get wound up if they don't hear their wife chatting to her mother and are happy to be left to watch the rugby.

I think there may be something else going on here TBH. When I get home at night or at the weekend I really do not want to have a long convo with my siblings about family stuff. In fact when one of them calls me up, it is usually for about 45 minutes and I put them on speaker or put in an earpiece and get on with some chores whilst I am talking to them. I can't afford the 45 mins to 1 hour out my day.

It does come across as if you want your 4 siblings to have this kind of mini club where you all talk to each other and no one else is included. As someone mentioned upthread, this is a fools errand. People in my DH's family have said similar things to me such as they want DH to join their WhatsApp where they share photos of their DGC/ DC (including mine) and I am not invited because "it is just family" or "only blood relatives". I used to include his family in everything we did but have stopped doing so because if I am not part of their family, then that must mean that they are not part of mine.

That sounds odd. I can't imagine being happy for my brother to comment on social media stuff but not his wife, although my brother and his wife don't want their kids on social media until they're old enough to consent to it, which is fair enough so they don't really do social media just phone calls, cards and texts

rebecca2

"Is it mainly women with low self esteem who are desperate to hear what their husband is talking about to his family"

What has it got to do with self esteem? My DH and I chat about our families. We just naturally pass on the important/interesting/scandalous parts of a conversation with our parents or siblings.

We've been together a very long time, we're pretty integrated into each other's families.

My DH would always rather hear the gossip than watch rugby.

And I have excellent self-esteem.

It may be that the wife doesn't actually want to be included in the phone call. My DH speaks to his parents everyday on FaceTime so I am in a bizarre situation where I feel like I am listening in on their phone conversation. I hate it and have asked him to go into a different room if he is going to do it but he gets huffy and seems to think I should enjoy listening to his parents as much as he does when really I just want to be able to watch tv in peace!

If she's not bothered about being included & he is making a point of including her-why would that be?

Perhaps as said, he puts the phone on speaker so that he can get on with other stuff.

If that's the ase then he probbaly won't be bothered about being left out of the loop.

We (me/dh) live our lives in speakerphone. Me because I usually have a 6 month old attached to me and it's far easier to have an actual conversation with ds trying to use me as a climbing frame if I don't have to hold the phone. All of my conversation is mundane, it's mainly with dh or my Dad.

Dh puts everything on speakerphone because he's partially deaf and refuses to go get his ears tested and misses a lot of what is said. He relies on me to listen and then asks my opinion. I'm not bothered either way, it's easier to listen the first time than try to make sense of what he's saying when he's retelling half of a story that he's misheard.

YANBU though, if I'd asked to be taken off speakerphone it would get on my tits to be ignored too.

YANBU. I won't speak to anyone when their phone is on loudspeak. I don't understand why his wife needs to be privy to his conversations with siblings. Is she insecure?

If my sister put the phone on speakerphone so her partner could "hear the gossip" I'd stop phoning. I don't phone her for his entertainment

My DH would always rather hear the gossip than watch rugby

Horses for courses.

If my sister put the phone on speakerphone so her partner could "hear the gossip" I'd stop phoning. I don't phone her for his entertainment

Indeed. It's a very strange way to carry on. I certainly have never come across this spousal phone call sharing before.

My PIL do this. It's so annoying. They end up talking over each other and you can't tell what they're saying half the time. They borrowed our phone once when at our house and tried to use it as if on speaker (old-ish cheap landline phone, doesn't have that function) and DH just snapped "use it like a normal phone like a normal person". I guess he finds it equally as annoying.

In terms of the dw possibly feeling excluded? Absolute nonsense, excluded from what? Your personal family matters? If so, then so be it. I agree with the idea that dh's and dws shouldn't have secrets but that's HIS deal with her. You're not married to her. You still get to decide who you want to have privy to your actual real life conversations, if not how that information gets passed on.

I think it is controlling to insist your partner isn't allowed private phone conversations. Are they not allowed to talk to friends privately either? I'd find it odd if my friends broadcast our conversations to their husbands and I view some of my family members as my friends.