DB puts family phone calls on speaker when his wife is there, is this normal??

[Evelight]

We are four siblings, and despite ups and downs, quite close. Two of us live in different countries. This DB is the only one married, the rest of us unmarried/divorced.

Anyway, when of one of us other siblings calls to talk to DB, sometimes about sensitive family affairs (divorces, illnesses, family quarrels, sometime money issues), if his wife is there, DB puts the phone on speaker. TBF, his wife doesn't sit in on the speaker, but the conversation is broadcast.

he says they do the same when her family calls.

From our point of view, this is unnecessary, and there are plenty of things we would like to (and sometimes need to) talk about with DB which we wouldn't necessarily want DSISL privy to. I should hasten to add, she is a perfectly nice, normal woman and we have no problems with her. We don't even mind if he later tells her what we were talking about. This speaker phone business just seems bizarre.

From his point of view, they are one unit, and they don't keep secrets from each other.

they are both fairly young (late twenties), and have been married for two years, so some honeymoon period thing? But it also means, since we are in different countries,we don't really "know" his wife, it's not like we have a long, established relationship with her.

Thoughts? Is this normal?

died. Not diesdl

She's not a bit paranoid/controlling is she ? Your brother puts you on speaker phone to 'prove' to her what you've been talking about ?

I can't cope with speakerphone, I can hear my voice getting echoed back to me. I end up holding the handset far enough away that I can't hear it and it ruins the flow of conversation.

IMO the worst is when people put you on speakerphone so that their kids can join in. No, actually the worst is when they pass them the phone and there is a three year old silently breathing down the phone at you while their parent coos away in the background.

I hate talking on the phone.

Agree if my sister phones my husband might say "how's x?" but he just wants a 1-2 sentence update and if she'd asked me to keep something quiet he really wouldn't want to know all about her personal problems anyway and would find it TMI.

YANBU.

General family stuff, fine to have on speaker. Your personal stuff, definitely not fine unless he clears it with you first.

I'm on the fence with this one. On the one hand, lots of people tell their partner absolutely everything. If you don't like that you have to stop telling them stuff.

On the other hand. I hate being on speaker phone. And if I tell my friend something, I don't mind her telling her husband "Sylvia is upset because x, y, z", but I don't want him to actually hear me crying.

All our family phonecalls are on speakerphone or Skype so that we can all join in and catch up on family news. This goods for my side of the family and DH side. The only exception is if it's sensitive news such as an illness or a death in which case the caller would ask not to be put on loudspeaker. All members of both families do it. I like it.

Ah, the dreaded speakerphone. I don't mind being put on speakerphone but DH puts one of his relatives on speakerphone because she talks for hours and seldom actually includes him in the conversation. His hands end up with pins and needles holding the phone up to his ear.

After the first 15 mins or so she has told him all her news then spends the next hour or two going back over everything again and again, he sits the phone down and gets on with what he was doing or watches TV and making what he thinks is appropriate noises now and then, he's even popped to the loo on occassion leaving her talking to herself. I hate it, it's cringeworthy because she must know he isn't listening anymore,

I head upstairs when she calls now because she has told someone else that she calls regularly that she thinks I make him put her on speakerphone...sheesh!

I would hate it. Once I wasn't talking to my MIL about something she had said she didn't want FIL to know about but she didn't tell me he was listening on the other phone. They do it a lot. The kids don't mind and that's fine with me but I prefer to know who is listening to me other than the person I've called. I know why it bothers me and that just upsets me more as it's another trigger.

OP, doesn't matter what others do or I feel it doesn't bother you. It bothers you. I'd talk to him again about it but ultimately unless he's willing to out his siblings feelings before his desire then you have to decide if it's worth not talking to him on the phone.

I think you'd have to be a bit weird to feel actually excluded by someone having a one to one phone conversation when you don't take part in the conversation anyway but merely eavesdrop, so I'm not sure I'd pander to that be worried about offending anyone. But with family that is easier said than done sometimes :(

It actually feels quite disrespectful to me as I would be concerned that DB isn't giving you his full attention OP.

A phone call is an opportunity for 1:1 chat and yet as mentioned up thread, they could be having their own private non-verbal conversation at the same time. I would feel I needed to be extremely careful what I said.

My mother used to do that. It's just so annoying. So I told her not to, because I don't like it as I don't want to talk front of my step dad that my period is awful this month. Also told her I can't hear her properly when she have the phone on speaker. She doesn't do it anymore. She done the same to my step dad as well when she was visiting us but I left the room, so I didn't listen in.

Maybe he loves his wife and shares everything with her....
Maybe it is easier for her to listen then for him to have to repeat it after you have gone...doesn't have to remember it all then

Why should he exclude his lovely wife..?

He sounds open and honest - a great quality

"TBF, his wife doesn't sit in on the speaker, but the conversation is broadcast. "

So she doesn't join in, just listens?

If so, that sounds as if she wants to be included for the sake of it, not because she's concerned/interested.

My husband trusts me to tell him stuff about my rellies if it concerns him/if I think that he'll be interested.

It's not about excluding him!

My husband loves me but it is possible to love someone and still have private chatty phone calls with your family.
I think the man who listens to a relative witter on on speaker phone for over an hour needs to grow a pair and finish the conversation after 15 minutes. I don't think I've ever spoken to anyone for over an hour on the phone. Life's too short.
I'm surprised so many people find other people's extended family conversations that fascinating that they are gagging to be included. My husband has no desire to listen to my dad chat about his gardening and plans for dinner, and I don't want to hear all about my MIL's shopping trips (neither does my husband but she's his mum so he can listen to it!)

Should have nipped this in the bud when he first tried it by saying being on speaker is too weird and echoey and gives you a headache. So you'll have to end the call if he insists on putting you on speaker.

I suppose you could lie and say you've got a new phone and the echoes etc mean now you can't cope with a speaker convo.

DH puts his family on speaker sometimes, usually when money is being discussed. But then they'll put speaker on too and the whole conversation gives me a terrible headache so I don't end up joining in anyway! I'm so bad with background noise.

"TBF, his wife doesn't sit in on the speaker, but the conversation is broadcast. "

So she doesn't join in, just listens?

As far as I understand, she's not "listening" as such, just doing her thing in the background. She doesn't join in. Except last time he did this, and I was talking about something confidential about our sister, and I realised she's there, and I called out to her "hey DSIS! How are you doing!" and started chatting about the weather/general affairs, and basically just changed the convo.

I would go with the new phone/echo excuse if I were you. This is one of those situations where it would be difficult to explain your reasons (which are perfectly valid imo) without causing unintended offence so giving a practical reason why it doesn't work for you is better all round.

I only use my iPhone for calls; we don't have a landline. I find it a bit tiresome to sit holding the phone when you don't need to do that anymore so I take every single call on speakerphone unless I'm in public.

I've probably got more into this habit working from home as I'm on work calls several times a day and will always use speakerphone as it's so much easier and more pleasant.

That means I end up taking calls from my DM on speaker...sometimes my DH will be there, sometimes he won't. I always tell her when he is.

If she said she had a problem with it I'd probably agree a compromise with her where if she had something to talk about that DH couldn't hear for some reason she texted me beforehand so I didn't put on speakerphone but I'd be fairly annoyed if she told me not to do it at all.

The reasons I'd be annoyed is that you don't get to dictate to someone else how they take your call unless there's a good reason for it. I tell DH everything anyway and TBH he would hear the conversation even if I had the phone up to my ear if he's sitting next to me on the sofa which he usually is when she calls.

Could it be that he cant be bothered following the conversation and by speaker phoning it he can switch off and let her do the listening. She probably doesnt want this either

Perhaps we are weird though as we don't really have sensitive stuff to talk about. There are no divorces or anything so we're mainly just chatting on about what we've been up to since we last spoke, how Grandma is, blah, blah.

I've only seen my DM cry twice in my whole life so she's not about to be in tears on the phone.

I'm sort of intrigued to know what all the sensitive stuff is that other families chat about, we must be very boring (and possibly lucky?)

I'm not sure a person should keep family stuff confidential from their spouse. If an unconnected friend has confided in you personally, that is fair enough. But if it is something the rest of the family know about, then it does sound like you are deliberately excluding her because she isn't 'family'.

My Mum and I had/ have a lovely close relationship, but since my Dad has retired all of our calls are on speakerphone. Obviously there are things I can discuss with my Mum that I don't want my Dad to know. My Dad is controlling, a narcissist and I think he is paranoid we will 'run him down' if he can't hear what we are saying. Although I must admit that since my Mum has taken to calling me if he is out for the evening, she does have her little rant about my Dad (personally I think she has the patience of a saint to put up with him!).

I have special phones as I have moderate to severe hearing loss. My hearing loss is such that I cannot hear normal speech if there is background noise. So often I need to ask my Mum to take the phone off speaker phone. Can you suggest that you can't hear your brother when on speakerphone? Alternatively can you call or ask your brother to call during his lunch hour?

It is a bit passive-aggressive but you could just act like it is all to hard to hear, you're getting too much feedback etc. Like others have said, the noise on speakerphone can be distracting.

Every time someone digs their heels in on something like this it compromises feelings of closeness because one of you is uncomfortable and the other is responsible for that discomfort.

I lost a very old and formerly close friend because of his extreme rigidity. You couldn't achieve compromise or be honest about any of it because he just wouldn't tolerate it, and I was tired of always being the one to follow him around and acquiesce to every whim while walking on eggshells in case I got something wrong. I'm not saying this will happen to you, just that I empathise with that concern that your intimacy will be eroded due to this issue which is both minor and important. So maybe that's why, when being upfront doesn't work, I may consider more underhanded methods.

Or as others have suggested send an email saying you'd love to include your SIL - via speaker - in all happy, chatty, family stuff but when it comes to personal matters you just don't feel comfortable on speaker. He is welcome to fill her in afterward, you're not cutting her out, you just don't want to relate important personal and emotional info under scrutiny and to an open space.

Good luck!